Spotting

Why has my pregnancy become all about my spotting?

Because I'm pregnant, and pregnant ladies pee all the time (when was the last time I slept more than 2-3 hours uninterrupted for pee breaks? weeks ago), and apparently this lady right here has to see blood every time she pees. Okay, not every time. Like, 80% of the time. Which equals, oh, about 10 times a day.

It has even seeped into my dreams. Last night I slept fitfully, and woke up in a cold sweat. I'd had a nightmare that my constant anxiety led to the midwives "firing" me as a patient. Could that even happen? I've only called them a few times with my worries. And they have been so nice about it. But in my dream, they told me I was too high-maintenance and I'd have to see a regular ob-gyn.

Maybe some part of me wonders if the midwives are too laid back for me. Maybe an ob would order more tests, or say she sees this all the time, or do something else to put me at ease. I have no idea.

Meanwhile, this Friday I'll be 14 weeks, and most things I read say the spotting should have stopped with the first trimester, yet it's gone on now for almost three weeks. I have not had sex, exercised, or touched my cervix in any other way, other than the exam at the midwife's last Thursday. Do I just have the worst cervix in the world? Will it do it's job when labor comes? Am I not cut out for these kinds of worries for the next six months?

Sigh. I don't know. I lapse into daydreams about my future baby, and then I get up to pee and remind myself that I shouldn't get too confident. At work, my supervisor wants to discuss future planning, and thinks I am odd for not wanting anyone to know yet. She has rightly pointed out that I can't hide the obvious forever. But I've gained little enough weight that I *can* hide it for probably a good while longer, and it just makes me feel more comfortable. So we will see. I also feel bad for not wanting to celebrate and enjoy this pregnancy more. I think if I weren't spotting, I'd feel differently. And perhaps soon it will end. It's *very* light. No pantyliners needed, just a pale pink trace when I wipe after peeing, and sometimes some drops of pink/brown blood in the toilet. Nothing dire or scary, unlike how it started. It's just the longevity- almost three weeks- that continues to upset me.

I know this must seem stupid to those still trying to conceive that baby. I really do remember the grief, and though I feel I am tiptoeing around a possible loss, I know I am way further than I ever dreamed. And I know also this experience is not typical. 25% of women have spotting, which means that 75% of women do not. It's totally reasonable to take those pads and tampons and say goodbye to them for 9 months or more.

In other news... well, I have no other news. This is my busy time of the year at work, which takes my mind off myself, and I've been cooking and eating well in the evenings. I still won't allow myself to relax enough to exercise, but tomorrow I'm going to try prenatal yoga with a friend. Although yoga normally bores me, if it's gentle enough, and the only exercise that feels safe, then I think I will force myself to learn to love it. We will see.

I don't think there's anything to say about this, but my husband is growing tired of my anxiety (though he is trying to be good and comforting and is successful a lot of the time) and I just had to vent about it. Thanks for listening, anonymous blog world.

One Giant Sigh of Relief

Today was our first midwife appointment. I am 11 weeks, 3 days along. It is wonderful. I never, ever thought I'd be attending an OB visit. In my darkest hours, which were many, I imagined I would never be pregnant. I feel lucky beyond belief. And proud, that I kept plugging away, trying option after option. My bank account might be sad, but I am not (most of the time, anyway. I still have my share of anxiety and worries about everything, including being a mother).

Anyway, back to the appointment. The midwife assured us that nothing is wrong. I had no bleeding today, none yesterday, and feel totally fine. We heard the heartbeat and it's thumping away in there, healthy and strong.

The midwife did a quick exam, of my breasts and lungs and heart, and I guess she checked my uterus or something? I barely felt it, though she reported that I don't have a narrow pelvis or something. Huh? Well, whatever. Then we did my blood work, including testing for the first trimester screening (Down's, etc.). I scheduled the NT test/ultrasound for a week from this Friday, when I will be 13 weeks exactly. I am not too worried about it since my baby mama is 23 years old (or at least her eggs were- and will remain so, frozen for me). But I want the extra reassurance anyway.

I am very happy with the midwife practice so far. She didn't bat an eye about my repeated IVFs, and in fact, didn't ask one question about my having used a donor. In fact, it was totally irrelevant- I didn't even NEED to have mentioned it. Since I am under 35, prenatal testing is the same anyway, so it just didn't seem to matter. That was nice, not that I really care since I am okay with having used a donor. But today felt really like MY pregnancy and MY baby and that was nice.

The only thing different about an IVF pregnancy, the midwife told me, is that they'll do an EKG of the baby's heart, I think at the 20 week anatomy scan. That is because IVF babies have a slightly elevated risk of heart defects, so they just like to check.

So, I hope the scary spotting is behind me, though I think sex is going to be off the table for a little while. For now, I am just so relieved that the baby is still here, and that things are moving along okay.

A Phone Call with the Midwives

Since I will be released from my fertility center in one week if all continues to go well, my nurse had suggested I contact a provider who will be taking over my care. So this morning was my initial phone conversation/intake call with the midwives that I will use for my prenatal care. 

I was a little nervous about this choice. My original intention, years ago when I thought I'd be pregnant in no time, was to have a baby at the birthing center in town. It's a free-standing birthing center, staffed only by midwives, with no epidurals or other drugs or interventions offered, and a homelike atmosphere with birthing tubs, etc. I even went on the little tour and info session, 2 1/2 years ago when I thought we'd soon be pregnant after a few months of trying.

Well, ha. That didn't happen, and the birthing center now does not accept IVF patients. I've written about this before so I won't get into it again, but it's pretty fucked up in my opinion. Anyway, it's not an option and I'm not choosing to dwell on it. 

The next best thing seems to be the midwives who work in the same practice with an OB, and deliver at my local hospital. And actually, now that I have been through surgery and four IVFs, I actually think I want more options, more monitoring, perhaps drugs at delivery if I feel I need them. I've just been through so much, and I think I will appreciate a bit of increased testing and monitoring and the options of interventions. Of course, what do I know, this early in the game. I still don't even feel pregnant, just damn tired.

Anyway, this morning was my initial phone intake consult with the nurse who works with the midwives and OBs. I was a bit apprehensive, since it's true that my medical history is a bit more complex than most women's might be. But I was happily surprised! The nurse didn't bat an eye when I told her it's an IVF pregnancy and that I'd had four IVF procedures. She asked for my transfer date instead of my LMP (yes! she understands that the LMP question provokes some anxiety in me!) and was also nonchalant when I disclosed that we had used a donor so my own medical history is irrelevant in some ways- but I have all of the genetic testing for my donor and can bring that to my first appointment. She didn't ask me any more about that, but just treated it as normal, acceptable part of my medical history.  She also took a moment at the end to give me her own words of wisdom- she said a good friend had IVF and wishes someone had warned her that pregnancy care will seem really relaxed and laid-back compared to the personal, intensive monitoring done for IVF patients, and not to worry about this because most pregnancies are healthy and this is to be expected.

Whew. To have someone treat me just like any other pregnant woman, yet be understanding and graceful about all I have been through, was like a mini-healing session by itself. Sometimes it's still unbelievable that I am actually pregnant, as opposed to just tired or depressed (all the sleeping) or fat (all the eating!). But this call made my feel very normal, and that was such a gift.