18 weeks and no news is good news

I'm two days shy of hitting the 18 week mark, and I have to report, I have very little to report. My spotting stopped three or four weeks ago, thank goodness. I had very, very cautious sex and nothing happened, other than me getting bored, so a couple of weeks ago while on vacation, I gave in, shut my eyes, and made love the way normal people do (or at least, normal for a semi-cautious pregnant person who might also be considered a basket case). Then, I only checked my underwear every five minutes for the next two days, ha ha. But the spotting has stayed away, and I am so beyond grateful.

My weight was up about six pounds two weeks ago, and then I got a bad cold and I think I stopped eating. I drank a lot of tea but it was hard to breathe and eat at the same time. Anyway, I lost a few pounds and didn't realize it immediately. I am now back up to what my weight had been, but I feel very small. No one can even tell I am pregnant. Naked, I just look like I had a big meal. Sigh. I know it's not good to be pregnancy-belly greedy, but I think having a belly would make this feel more real. I go to prenatal yoga and feel like a faker. Oh well.

Nothing else much to report. I have pretty much no symptoms, which is something I'm grateful for. Other than exhaustion and then spotting and then anxiety, I really have had about the easiest pregnancy I've heard of. My next checkup is in two weeks, and the 20 week anatomy scan is two weeks from tomorrow.

My heart goes out to friends who are still trying to conceive, both real-life friends and those I've followed on the internet blogs for so long. I still feel more infertile than pregnant, though I suppose that shift will continue as this goes along. I miss my support group, though of course I'm glad to have graduated. I do often wonder if there's anything I can do to still support infertility awareness and funding. Things to think about in the future...

First trimester screen

Today was the big day- we got to see the most of the baby yet! More than any blurry image at the fertility's doctor's (though those were cool too), this time it really was like a real baby. It kicked it's little legs, it waved it's little arms. It was really cool, and the sonographer gave us a guided tour for about half an hour. We saw brain, heart, lungs, ribs, placenta, etc.

Still a baby. Not a kitten. 

Several pieces of good news: combined with the blood work I did two weeks ago, the results of this ultrasound place us a in a very low risk category for Down Syndrome and Trisomy 18/13. I told them about using a 23 year old donor egg, and that placed us in an even lower risk category.

The other good news is that the placenta appears to be in the right place. Of course they'll check again at 20 weeks, but with the bleeding I've been having, the midwife did mention the risk of placenta previa. The sonographer does not think that is the case. And the midwife did more strongly think it was my cervix. I bled a lot yesterday afternoon, which was actually kind of reassuring, since she'd touched my cervix, so that furthered the feeling it's just my overly sensitive cervix causing the spotting. In any case, I have not had ANY spotting in about 24 hours now, so I am extremely grateful for this too.

Okay, on to the not as good news. The sonographer thinks, with about 70% certainty, that I'm having a boy. It's hard to describe why I am not presenting this as good news. I guess- I just almost don't want to know. I thought I did, but somehow now I feel like a bit of the magic is gone. I know it's too early to know for sure, but I wish I had not asked. Oh well. I'll just try to put it out of mind for the next seven weeks. And if I still don't want to know then, I can always ask not to be told. I thought I'd want to know... but now, it feels so real. I want this baby so badly that sometimes I want to fast-forward through pregnancy and be holding the little one already. I need to work on slowing down and enjoying.

Maybe if the spotting stops, I can relax and try to enjoy. I think having an IVF pregnancy, after so many troubles, has kind of scared me. It's taken away any oblivious, carefree attitude that I might have had. Or maybe I would always have had worry. I just still struggle with a deep mistrust of my body and it's ability to do what comes naturally to so many others.

But. But. I am being a brat. Even my lab slip said "normal first pregnancy." I made it to 13 weeks. The risks of Down's are low. I think I would like to slowly ease back into exercising and enjoying. That's my goal for this next month: exercise, relax, eat well, and try to allow myself some excitement.

[Ok, this was a really boring update. Sorry. I'm just a hormonal mess today.]