Second FET Cancelled

As I wrote last time, my first FET resulted in a negative beta. My lining was thin, but they let me go forward. My doctor was convinced that it was just bad luck. Even in the best case scenario, FETs only have a 50/50 success rate.

But, the bad news wasn't over with that cycle. We tried a non-Lupron protocol this time, just estradiol pills, and unfortunately my lining was even thinner. Like, a 4. Nothing. We canceled this cycle.

So, it looks like I might be at the end of the road here. My doctor is trying one last thing, which is three weeks of doxycycline and then re-checking my lining to see if it made any difference. Sometimes inflammation can cause lining to not respond to estradiol. I don't know why I'd have inflammation though. 

But despite this treatment, he said it's likely that I might not be a candidate for further transfers. He didn't have any really great explanation why. Perhaps my uterus sustained some infection and/or scarring during my c-section to have Leo. He said this is not common knowledge, but actually scarring and adhesions can result in infertility in more than 2% of c-sections. But, he's not sure, and I'm not interested in exploratory surgery at this time.Frankly, I am terrified of more procedures. And tired. Oh so tired. 

Amazingly, I have had someone offer to be my surrogate. But I don't think we are interested. Honestly, having an only child is looking better and better, the more we think about it. Though I have moments of intense sadness when I look at my toddler and wonder what the other four embryos would have been like.

At this point, I'm just taking my doxycycline and waiting for my next lining check in about three weeks and if it's a no-go, we'll be seeking homes for our embryos. 

I am feeling... so confused. Why can't I grow a lining? I have never had great linings, but a 4?!!?  Also the argument that my uterus is scarred doesn't sit that well with me, since my last lining was enough to move forward with FET #1. So why now the sudden non-response to the estradiol? Why isn't my doctor interested in other forms of estrogen?

Dr. F, my former doctor and the one who I saw again when I had my monitoring done, seemed taken aback and called my uterus "special." My Atlanta doctor also said this is unusual. I have not gone down the google rabbit hole.

I am not distraught like I was before, with the first FET. I am constantly thinking about it, but not feeling the same sharp, biting grief. It's more like a dull thud this time. I can't quite explain the change. I just feel... tired. So tired of the constant struggle. And though I do not believe anything is "meant to be," I wonder if there isn't something positive about stopping now, and focusing my energy and love on the child I already have. My head says yes. I am not sure what my heart says. My heart leans towards fighting this lining issue. I don't know what will happen, but I will have some answers in about three weeks. 

It's A....

....BOY!

Which is what we thought it would be, from the sonographer's prediction at 13 weeks, but it was still really good to learn for sure. This makes it much more concrete that this is really, actually happening. My husband was so cute... he is fascinated by the ultrasounds and almost squeals every time the baby would move. As soon as we left and were in the hall, he had his phone out and was texting everyone he knows! His friends, his sisters, his study group from school, everyone! And of course many of them didn't even know I'm pregnant, so there were several confused texts back of "?????" in response to his "It's a boy!"  I had to remind him that we've been very cautious in sharing our news, so he needs to first tell people we're expecting! Anyway, it was cute.

More importantly than the sex, the baby is very active and healthy. Since we did IVF with ICSI, they did an echocardiogram of the heart. It looks fine. My friend's IVF baby was born with his urethra in the wrong place, so of course that risk remains (those are the two things that show up in slightly higher rates than non-IVF/ICSI babies: heart defects and urogenital abnormalities in baby boys). But hopefully all is well.

The sonographer also assured me that he is very active. I'd been getting concerned because I was 20 weeks at the ultrasound and had not felt any movement yet, which is a little on the late side. But just like I am not really showing yet, I guess I was late for that too. We saw the baby kicking and moving a ton, but I felt nothing. However, on Friday evening, I started to feel a strange bubbling in my lower abdomen. I thought maybe it was gas... but no. It has continued consistently now, and seems most noticeable after I eat, and when I am sitting quietly. It is definitely kicks. I have to say, I LOVE feeling this. Between the ultrasound and the kicks, I actually am starting to feel pregnant. Sometimes it has been hard for me to accept that I am pregnant after so many years of failures, so it's really amazing to me to actually be pregnant, and to start realizing I may really have a baby in my life in a few months....

Anyway, telling people has also helped me to feel like this is really happening. My mom has now told all her friends, and I did the dreaded Facebook reveal. I had been resisting for months, but as I talked about before, my husband really did want to tell his friends. He is five years older than me and most of his friends have one if not more children already. I consented, though we ended up posting very different things: he just announced it's a boy, whereas I felt an acknowledgement that it's not easy for everyone was necessary. So this is what I wrote: [my name] is thrilled to share that we're expecting a baby boy in early March. It's been a long, long journey to get here and we couldn't be happier or more excited.

And immediately, I started getting "likes" and congratulatory comments. Nearly half of my total friends on FB actually "liked" it, which I find shocking. I usually get like four likes for typical cat pics (I can't resist! she's so cute!) or shots of what I made for dinner (yes, I am that person- cat and food pics). So this is what I am wondering: do people just like babies, or did anyone read the second part about the long journey?

Oh well, who knows. I just hope I didn't hurt anyone or ruin their day, as so many pregnancy announcements had to me for all those years. Oh, I'm sure I did upset someone, but my wish is that the second line spoke hope to anyone who is still trying or is frustrated with their situation. My pregnancy is still so tied to my infertility that I can't separate the two, nor do I want to. I am grateful every day that this is where I am, and that I was financially and emotionally able to undertake this long and harrowing path. I hope to appreciate my child every day, in ways that I might not have if I hadn't seen a future where this would not have been possible. I am grateful to my donor and to my doctors and my husband every day.

For those still considering donor egg, I can't say enough good things about this decision I made. While I mourn the loss of a genetic child, and I had these slightly sad thoughts as we tried to see the baby's face during the ultrasound, and I think of my donor quite often, this was the best decision I could have made and I don't regret it for a fraction of a second. I thank the universe every day that I live in a time where this was possible.

Today I am 21 weeks and 1 day, and grateful.

First trimester screen

Today was the big day- we got to see the most of the baby yet! More than any blurry image at the fertility's doctor's (though those were cool too), this time it really was like a real baby. It kicked it's little legs, it waved it's little arms. It was really cool, and the sonographer gave us a guided tour for about half an hour. We saw brain, heart, lungs, ribs, placenta, etc.

Still a baby. Not a kitten. 

Several pieces of good news: combined with the blood work I did two weeks ago, the results of this ultrasound place us a in a very low risk category for Down Syndrome and Trisomy 18/13. I told them about using a 23 year old donor egg, and that placed us in an even lower risk category.

The other good news is that the placenta appears to be in the right place. Of course they'll check again at 20 weeks, but with the bleeding I've been having, the midwife did mention the risk of placenta previa. The sonographer does not think that is the case. And the midwife did more strongly think it was my cervix. I bled a lot yesterday afternoon, which was actually kind of reassuring, since she'd touched my cervix, so that furthered the feeling it's just my overly sensitive cervix causing the spotting. In any case, I have not had ANY spotting in about 24 hours now, so I am extremely grateful for this too.

Okay, on to the not as good news. The sonographer thinks, with about 70% certainty, that I'm having a boy. It's hard to describe why I am not presenting this as good news. I guess- I just almost don't want to know. I thought I did, but somehow now I feel like a bit of the magic is gone. I know it's too early to know for sure, but I wish I had not asked. Oh well. I'll just try to put it out of mind for the next seven weeks. And if I still don't want to know then, I can always ask not to be told. I thought I'd want to know... but now, it feels so real. I want this baby so badly that sometimes I want to fast-forward through pregnancy and be holding the little one already. I need to work on slowing down and enjoying.

Maybe if the spotting stops, I can relax and try to enjoy. I think having an IVF pregnancy, after so many troubles, has kind of scared me. It's taken away any oblivious, carefree attitude that I might have had. Or maybe I would always have had worry. I just still struggle with a deep mistrust of my body and it's ability to do what comes naturally to so many others.

But. But. I am being a brat. Even my lab slip said "normal first pregnancy." I made it to 13 weeks. The risks of Down's are low. I think I would like to slowly ease back into exercising and enjoying. That's my goal for this next month: exercise, relax, eat well, and try to allow myself some excitement.

[Ok, this was a really boring update. Sorry. I'm just a hormonal mess today.]

Second Heartbeat

Today was the second time we got to hear the heartbeat, at 8 weeks and 5 days. It was steady, thumping in there at 185 bpm. The nurse practitioner says I am measuring just fine, and the baby is happy and healthy. I cried. Then we left and I cried some more.

It's really, really sinking in. Most of the time I'm just too exhausted to think of anything at all. I drag my sorry ass out of bed, get it to work and into a seat, and try to make it through the day or at least till 3 pm before I give up and go home to sleep. I wake before dinner, and if B isn't home, I subsist on frozen Amy's tofu breakfast burritos, and then eagerly await 10:30 or 11 pm when I can crawl back into bed. Pregnancy is way more exhausting than anyone had ever warned me.

But I don't mind it. It's just that it doesn't seem connected to anything larger. It seems like I've always been tired, and always will be. It's hard to relate it to the fact that somewhere inside me, a baby soul is growing. I'm not throwing up, I haven't gained any weight, and we've been extremely conservative in telling friends and family. So it's very easy to not feel pregnant at all, and to think of nothing more than napping and eating and regular stuff.

However, today's ultrasound felt real. Unlike last time, there was more to see. The blob has distinct parts, I could see a head and "rump," the yolk sack and umbilical cord were there, the heartbeat is like boom-boom-boom, and the nurse-practitioner was effusive in her excitement. So different from last time.

A slightly more distinct blob this time!

I can't say I've relaxed totally, because I know we're not out of the high risk danger zone. I am not even quite 9 weeks. I have a bruise inside my uterus that may still cause some bleeding (it hasn't yet, but she said to take it easy) and that's a little scary, though not risky to the uterus' inhabitant.

After we left the clinic today, I was crying again in the car. They were toys of relief and of joy, but with some sadness mixed in. I am so grateful to have this future ahead of me, but as the pregnancy becomes more real, I'm also struggling with the donor egg part becoming more real too. This baby that I am growing is thriving because of the healthy eggs of someone else. A strong, healthy 23 year old woman gave me her genetic material so that I might have and carry a child. It's amazing and mind-blowing when you think about what this means. I will never see my eyes reflected in the same dark brown, I'll never catch my mom's smile in a little girl's face. I was not able to grow my own genetic child, but this healthy 23 year old shared her eggs so that I can. It's sorrowful and wonderful at the same time, and it's really happening. I am a science experiment that may indeed succeed, and it's modern medicine and my donor that is giving me this gift. I still want to cry when I think of what I've given up, and scream with happiness when I think of what I am still going to have instead. I cried there on the table today because it's still hard to believe that something worked for me at last, that I really can have a baby. I cried on the way home because I really can have a baby, though not in the way I'd hoped and dreamed when I started all this over two and a half years ago.

To all those still fighting for their babies-to-be, I am there with you. I may not have as much to say as I used to, but soon I will exit the brain fog of the first trimester and will have more concrete things to share. I do plan on starting a pregnancy after infertility group, because I do feel differently than my friends who have conceived naturally. I feel close to those who have walked the same hard path as I, and those who still have the fears and worries that continue to stay with me.

But for now, the most important thing on my mind is what I heard and saw today on that screen. Hello, embryo with a little heartbeat. I am so, so glad you are here with us.

Heartbeat!

Yesterday was a big day. We saw the heartbeat!

Look! A vague tiny blob!

Okay, now that I've done the obligatory "wow!", I can tell the truth. Because this is my blog and I can whine if I want to.

The actual heartbeat appointment was very, very anticlimactic.

I feel guilty even writing that, because I know I should be grateful beyond belief to have a growing little embryo, and believe me, I thank my lucky stars each and every day. I thank the universe that after all my failures, luck finally shone down upon me. I tam thankful that I had the money to pay the ridiculous costs involved in this (buh bye, the better part of our savings from four years of marriage), the perseverance to keep moving forward, and the support from my husband to do donor egg.

BUT all that being said, I had a shitty visit to the clinic yesterday. I was so nervous that my knees were knocking when I got onto the table, and they made me wait a long time. Then the nurse practitioner came in, followed by a woman I'd never set eyes upon before. She apparently was an ob/gyn fellow, and had never given a transvaginal ultrasound before. Lovely. She messed with the wand a lot (ouch...) and had trouble using the controls. She showed me the heartbeat, at which point I burst out into relieved tears, but then she commented in an off-hand matter how "next week we expect it should speed up." Ummmm??? Are you saying it's not fast enough now??? I never did get a straight answer, except she also told me the measurements lead her to think I am a day behind (though she also said that doesn't matter, this early in the game).

In fact, she was having such trouble with the machine that the appointment quickly became all about her, and nothing to do with me and my husband. In fact, she even asked B to turn off the video camera, because maybe then she'd be better able to find the heartbeat again (uhhh, are doctors supposed to get performance anxiety still???).

There wasn't much more to it. They said "congrats" and told me they'd probably see me back in about a week. At which point I felt about to cry. I was under the impression that it was one ultrasound and then I'd be released.

Later, my friends reassured me that two or three are normal. I guess I was really jumping the gun, thinking this was my last visit to the clinic. Thinking I'd not be "high risk pregnancy with a history of infertility" for much longer.

The heartbeat checkup, therefore, was very anticlimactic. The little flickering light was cool, but it was sadly overshadowed by the doctor's incompetence, her offhand worrisome remarks, and my growing anxiety as the appointment went on. By the end, I had convinced myself there was something wrong.

Of course, nothing is wrong. My doctor in Atlanta told me the scan is excellent, and I'm right where I should be. I go back in two weeks for another one, then a final one at 10 weeks, and only then am I released. Another friend confirmed she had FOUR scans before being released, so I can relax now and the gratitude is seeping back in.

All of this is just so very hard. You think a positive pregnancy test is the end, but it's not. My friend who got pregnant the old fashioned way has a first doctor's appointment at 10 weeks. By ten weeks I will have had three beta blood tests and three early ultrasounds. I will have survived being "high risk" and I will have poured thousands of dollars of progesterone and estrogen into my body. But, I will have a baby. I need to calm down, breathe, and try to enjoy this period of my life. Somehow.

Next stop: Atlanta!

Sometimes I take a step back and just have to laugh at the absurdity of this whole situation. Who would have ever thought I'd be packing a huge suitcase, saying goodbye to the cat and my bed, and getting in the car for a six hour drive, just to get knocked up? What most people do in the comfort of their beds (or various other locations, I guess) is requiring a road trip and week away for me. 

But, on the plus side, I am super excited that I am able to get in the car. My lining check this morning left me in tears. I was SO anxious when I woke up today that I forgot to put on my watch and wedding band, and left my lunch at home. I never do any of these things. This might be the first time I've forgotten my ring in the four years I've been married. I really was nervous and distracted.

Anyway, the news is that my lining has not progressed. It's still at 7 mm. I was deeply disappointed that it has not thickened, but the doctor in Atlanta said it has not gotten smaller, so I can still proceed. 

I was hoping for better news, but I know that I need to calm down and focus on the good news. We are leaving in just a few hours, and hopefully the embryos will be healthy and happy in there. 

Today: leave for Atlanta

Tomorrow at 9 am: eggs are thawed and B gives his "sample"

Tomorrow at 10:30 am: I meet with my doctor for the mock transfer

Saturday: fertilization report- this is a big deal, considering we've had crappy fertilization with my own eggs, and I will be very anxious till I receive this call

Monday or Wednesday: transfer, hopefully

Wish me luck, and next time I post it will be from the ATL!

Countdown to Atlanta!

Last night, right before bed, I finally got my period. They say it should come 1-2 weeks after starting the Lupron. Well, mine took 2 weeks and 2 days. I'm never quite on schedule when it comes to fertility.

Anyway, I was happy to see it, and happy that everything was quiet on the ultrasound this morning. My blood work also showed a low estradiol number, and I was given the go-ahead to start the estrogen patches tomorrow! 

So, tomorrow is DOC 1 (day of cycle 1). I cut the Lupron in half, and start this crazy complicated pattern of adding and removing new patches. I also will take one baby aspirin a day. Two weeks from tomorrow, we drive down to Atlanta, and the egg thaw is the following morning. B gives his sample, and I meet with my doctor and do a mock transfer. Then we're free for the weekend, B flies home Sunday, and I return on either day 3 or day 5 for transfer. I can drive back home the next morning. In between all this, I'll be staying with a good friend from grad school, and we might take a little trip over the weekend before I'm needed. 

This is getting really real. and it's freaking me out. I'm really going into a procedure that comes with a 60% success rate (85% after two tries). I've never faced odds this good. I'm not sure how to deal with it. I have been pretty good at not dwelling on things these past few weeks, and I still have two weeks to go, but I'm letting myself fall back into the old place of Hope again. I catch myself imagining due dates, and testing out what it would feel like to have an actual baby. Considering that one day soon I could have good news for once, and in less than a year I could have a baby sleeping in the room above my head. It's exciting and terrifying, and I think I should probably quit it. I should try not to think about it, and try to protect my heart and head a little bit more. 

And yet. This is SO EXCITING. I don't even know how the next two weeks are going to be, but they just can't go fast enough. 

Bad Blood

On Friday I went to my primary care doc, to have some blood tests completed for the donor egg pre-cycle screening. Since I am completely out of fertility coverage through my insurance ($5000 doesn't get you very far when you've done 8 medicated cycles and 3 IVFs), I thought I'd try to see if insurance would cover it if done through my regular doctor.

Side note: I recently received a bill for over $700 for two measly ultrasounds. This is what happens when your insurance benefits for fertility run out. They don't TELL you, they just hit you with the bills later. This was particularly infuriating because I can see on my billing statement that my own insurance only pays $150 for ultrasounds. So why should I have to pay $350, as a self-pay patient? WTF. I called the hospital system to see about this, and why I should have to pay more than twice what my insurance would have to pay, and was told they will give me a 50% discount. To be honest, they should give more than that, since the insurance only pays $150, why should I pay $175? But, I am grateful to save $350 so I will take it. Still... WTF?

Okay, back to my doctor's visit. I went to the lab area to get my blood drawn for everything under the sun, thanks to the fact that all my bloodwork is one year and one month, and it has to be within one year. Sigh. So I roll up my sleeve and show the phlebotomist my one good vein, the only one that has ever been used, in my right elbow. Well, she wasn't able to get anything from it. Remember when I went to my fertility clinic for my pregnancy test three weeks ago, and they couldn't get anything (did I write about that? can't remember. it was awful)? Same story. Apparently my one good vein is covered in scar tissue due to the many, many blood draws that I have had in the past year. The needle goes in, but the scar tissue prevents blood from being accessible.

So, she tried other places, but I have really tiny veins. I must have been there for half an hour. Finally, she goes for my left hand and smacks it a few times (ouch!). At last, a vein pops up. But it's a hand vein and not an elbow vein, so it was slooooooow. She had to label the blood vials "special handling" so that the lab doesn't waste a single drop, since we didn't get as much as usual.

O.M.G. All I can say is, thank god I am doing donor egg, with a minimum of blood draws needed. IVF requires so many. From now on, I won't be able to donate blood, and any blood draws will need to come from my hand, which is way more of a pain than the crook of the elbow. My blood is slow and my veins suck, and it's just all really upsetting and reminds me of how much I have been through in the past year. Nobody tells you that your veins will be destroyed from IVF.

Sorry for so much complaining. I came home covered in bandaids and wraps on Friday, but the good news was that on my way home, the clinic in Atlanta called. I have a phone consult set up with the doctor on April 24th! I am very much looking forward to it- now I just need to spend the next 3 1/2 weeks gathering up all our medical records and writing down my questions. But, glad to be moving forward.

Trigger Day!

I haven't updated in awhile, not sure why. I've been emailing with friends to share my progress, and keeping track of it all in my little blue book (which Dr. M asked me about yesterday, as I was frantically writing down follicle sizes during my ultrasound- he probably thinks I am a totally neurotic weirdo). Here is my little blue book that goes everywhere with me nowadays:

And here is one page from inside, with my estradiol readings from all three of my IVF cycles:

Now, to sum up the past 4 days: on Friday we went in for an 8:45 appointment, where we saw that my follicles were continuing to grow but I was not showing a whole lot of improvement. I had 4-5 follicles measuring around 10mm. My lining was 6, which is thin but not terrible. I was disappointed, but later we learned my estrogen had doubled- which is a good sign. But it was still low, just 191, and you can see from the chart above that it was much higher my first cycle. 

We went back Sunday, and saw some improvement. My lining had gone up to 7, which is much better. Ideal for implantation is anything over 7, though somewhat higher is even better. As for follicles, they had really improved: I had six ones over 10mm, and two at 8.5mm, and about 4 under. They said I was getting very close. My lead follicle was 15.5*13, with some 13s and 11s. My estrogen came in at 489, which was a big step up from Friday. We were asked to come back again the next day to see about triggering.

So, we came back Monday, and things were looking even better. Lining was at 8.3, and I had a couple of follicles at 18 and 18.5 (lead one at 18.5*13.5), and a total of seven over 10mm, with six of those over 12mm. My estradiol came back at 765- a big jump, considering it was only 24 hours, not 48 hours like the others. 

To sum it all up, we decided to keep me on one more night of meds, but we dropped my Follistim to half what it has been. This morning was my last Ganerelix shot, and tonight I trigger at 7 pm. I go in for retrieval at 7:30 am on Thursday. Transfer will be Sunday.

I'm feeling really positive, much better than at the start of this cycle. This different protocol has led to similar results as my first cycle, but way, way better than my second cycle. Of course we won't know anything definite till retrieval, but I feel hope again. I also feel weepy- but that, of course, is mostly my high estrogen levels. I also want chocolate! And cookies! All the time! But I am trying to control myself  :)

In other news, my 97 year old granny is nearing the end. My mom just sent me this email, which is so sad. I had to put my head down and cry at work for a couple of minutes, but it's also such a sweet email too. My mom is wonderful and I hope I end up making this come true: 

"End of life is a very difficult thing.  I am hoping that the end of my mother's life will coincide with the start of my granchild's life.  Wouldn't that be a fitting gift of the cosmos? Did you know that you were conceived on my 32 birthday?  That is a cosmic gift too.

I am off to sit with granny for a bit now. 

I love you sooo much. you are wonderful.

xxxx ooo mom

Day 5

This morning we went in for my first check-up since starting stims. It's day 5, which means I've had 4 nights of shots already. I'm on 300 Follistim and 150 Menopur. I feel fine so far. A little tired, but not bad. And that could just be that it's winter, and cold, and I've been very busy lately. 

Anyway, the nurse practitioner just called. She started the call with, "Good news!" And she seemed totally fine with it, but my estradiol (also called E2) is only 88. 

It was 13 last week. She said all that matters is that it's risen.

But I feel funny- I mean, it was 99 on day 4 at my old clinic for my first cycle, and then 44 that second time I did IVF. And this is one day later than they tested at that clinic. So this number is higher than my second cycle, but lower than my first. 

Oh well. Nothing I can do but go back on Friday.

I'm pretty calm this time. I just feel resigned. What will happen will happen. I mean, I want to freak out, but I know it won't help.

The next two days are going to feel very, very slow.

Baseline: Good News & Moving Ahead

Yesterday was baseline, and I have good news about it. I had 16 antral follicles! 14 on the right, and 2 on my lazy left ovary.

For comparison, my first IVF cycle I had 11 total, and my second cycle I had 8. So this is actually DOUBLE what I had my last cycle.

Now, I know that antral follicle counts do not necessarily have a direct correlation with success of a cycle, or quality of the embryos that will be formed. But, having more is certainly better than having less, especially in my low-producer situation. And this webpage is giving me hope: http://www.advancedfertility.com/antralfollicles.htm

I don't know why I have more this time. I know that there is some natural variation that can be expected, and I also wonder if resting for several months has given my ovaries time to recover and heal a bit more.

In any case, I am feeling hopeful again. My last birth control pill was yesterday, B and I both started doxy today, and I start shots on Saturday night. My first ultrasound scan will be next Wednesday. I had a stomach-ache going in yesterday; I can only imagine what a mess I will be next week for the first scan! I have desperate, high hopes that this period of resting, my higher antral follicle count, and the new drug protocol (Antagonist) at my new clinic will all work to make this a successful cycle.

New Clinic: Appointment #1

Went in on Friday for day 3 bloodwork and a baseline ultrasound. I'm still not totally clear on why I had to do an ultrasound, since I'm not cycling this time. But the doctor had asked for one, and besides, I always like confirmation that I have no new cysts.

In any case, everything was fine. I had a 7.5 size follicle on the left, and several on the right, with the lead one of 11.5. I did not get a total antral follicle count- forgot to ask, I was so relieved about the lack of cysts. I will ask when I am there tomorrow, meeting with my doctor. It was the nurse practitioner who did the scan on Friday. I really liked her. In fact, everything went pretty well at this new clinic. I only waited 7 minutes from when I arrived till I was checked in and led to an exam room. Everyone was polite. The room was nicer than my old clinic's rooms, with a smaller table to sit on and an, um, smaller sonogram wand. Everything was fast- in and out of there in less than 40 minutes.

No other news. Had a pretty good weekend, and didn't think too much about any of it. Tomorrow is the hydro sonogram. I was terrified of it, and I'm sure I will be nervous tonight, but after the stress of NOT getting my period, I am actually more relieved than nervous.

IVF makes you tough. Most people have sex to get pregnant. I go through repeated painful or at least uncomfortable procedures. Scans, retrievals, transfers, and a million shots and blood draws. To hear women complain about pap smears now makes me laugh. Most people who haven't done this can have no idea, no clue how much it is to go through (and let's not even get started on how much it costs- they fall over in shock at that).

So tomorrow is the hydro sonogram, also called the 3-D sono, and then we talk to my doctor about the results from Friday and the plan to go forward in January. I am looking forward to having these details settled. And then, on Saturday, we leave for our trip! Feeling excited!

Update During the 2WW

I'm not sure why I stopped writing two weeks ago. This blog has been so helpful in expressing my hopes and fears and frustrations during my fertility troubles. This cycle was really hard, much harder than the first one, so that might be some of it. I've also been busier than usual, both at work and socially. Finally, having K to talk to has made venting on the blog not as necessary this time around. We have a little email chain going around for five of us in the RESOLVE group, and having people to give me this support has been so invaluable.

To update: when I last wrote, I'd gone to the Thursday appointment and had a low number of follicles, and a very low estrogen of 120. My first cycle, to compare, it was 362 on that day. They upped my dose and told me to come back Sunday. I went, and still only had a sad four follicles of large enough size. That explains why  my estrogen had been so low the whole time. In my first cycle, I had 8-10 playing ball, and this time I had 4-5. Part of it is that the first cycle I had 11 antral follicles to start with, and this time I had only 8. So I had fewer to start with, and they grew more slowly, I don't know why.

I was crying after Sunday's ultrasound, after I'd been told to come back again the next day and to see my actual doctor, who would make the final call on cancelling the cycle or going forward with triggering. In the middle of crying, I suddenly see B's eyes roll back in his head and he slumps, slowly, to the ground. I began to scream and cry, thinking that with my luck, he surely was dead. It was horrible! He hit a table that hit a wall, plus I was screeching, so the door to the exam room bursts open and two more doctors rush in. So we've got me, hyperventiling and pants-less on the table, a fellow and a resident in the room, a doctor and a fellow rushing in, and poor B passed out on the floor. Well, of course he was okay. He came to, and they wheeled him out on a stretcher, deciding that he'd just had a vasovagal response and he wasn't going to die! We were kept there for another 2 hours or so, monitoring his vitals, but he was feeling better and we eventually got to go home.

What an ordeal.

So, we go back on Monday, and Dr. F is ribbing him a bit, giving him a "special chair" to sit on during my ultrasound. By then we could all laugh about it. One more crazy adventure in this fertility mess. Anyway, Dr. F did what I had always thought he'd do: let us trigger that night, since I had 4 decently sized follucles. My estrogen was in the 400s on Sunday, and had risen to 679 on Monday. So, we triggered Monday night.

I didn't get sick at all on Wednesday morning, unlike the first time around. I don't know if it's because I had less estrogen in me, or if the first time it was a lot of nerves that caused it. In any case, I was okay, and retrieval last Wednesday (September 19th) went fine. Dr. F was very careful, he told B, and managed to get all 4 mature follicles.

I got the call on Thursday morning that of the 4, only 2 had fertilized. This was lower than we had hoped. So we trooped back in, depressed and sad, on Friday for transfer. No sense in waiting for a three day transfer when we only had two embryos anyway. However, we got words of hope when we arrived. Dr. F and the embryologist- mostly the embryologist- explained that last time I'd had 3 cell embryos, and this time I had a 4 cell and a 6 cell. Much better!

Also, there was something different during this transfer. Maybe because it was Dr. F and not unpersonable, cold Dr. M, who did it last time. But this time... instead of being as scared, and being wary of pain from the catheter (which I never had), B and I actually watched the monitor screen. Dr. F encouraged us too. He explained each thing that was happening, and we saw the catheter slowly deposit the embryos into my uterus. B and I both teared up. Something felt so special this time. It felt really like our possible babies on that screen we were watching. I cried, and cried even more afterwards, as the embryologist told us we had such strong embryos, especially the 6 cell one on a day 2 transfer. She and Dr. F both held my hands, and wished me the best luck they could. The last thing she said to me, as I tried not to all-out bawl, was: "This is your time." Even typing this now, I feel tears coming. I know they did the best they could, and it's just up to luck and chance now.

Trigger Day!

Today has been very emotional. We woke up and went to the doctor for another 8 am appointment, and as usual, had to wait for about 45 minutes to see anyone. It makes me so mad. Why not tell half of the women to come at 8 am and half of us at 8:30? My clinic has serious issues and doesn't care about wasting our time at all.

Anyway, we finally got to the ultrasound and Dr. F said today is the day! I was surprised- I really thought we'd go one more day. I have one 16.5 or 17.5 follicle on the left, lazy side, and 9 follicles on the right: from 11.5 to 18.5. At least 4-6 that were of really good size.

I asked about my bum left ovary, and the Fellow said that it's really poorly performing, but it might not in the future. She said there is no real good data on how long to wait for an ovary to recover. But she said that having 9 good ones on my right is amazing, since even with a 21 year old donor they'd be happy with 18 follicles, which is what I'd have if my left side were working. So, at least I am a good responder, once they adjusted my Follistim anyway.

My bloodwork came back a little low, at 1575 for the estrogen. But they still want to do this. I met with the Fellow and received instructions. Tonight at 11 pm we give me the trigger, the HCG shot. No more stims. Nothing tomorrow at all, but Tuesday I go in at 9 am for the retrieval.

I've been very emotional, which the blood draw nurse said is to be expected. My estrogen is high, as well as all the other hormones coursing through me. But, mostly, I think I'm just freaked out that it's actually time. We're actually here, at retrieval. As scary as all the shots were and the early ultrasounds, soon it will be all over, and it will just be waiting to see how the eggs fertilize or not. And then, just as scary, waiting to see if any implant and I'm pregnant in two weeks and two days from now.

I can do this. I can get through this. And I can do it again, if I have to.

Ultrasound #1: Moving Ahead

This morning was my first ultrasound since starting the IVF meds. I've had five nights of the shots so far. I'm currently taking 225 units of Follistim, 75 of Menopur, and 5 units of Lupron. I was only on 150 of Follistim but that changed two nights ago, when my e levels were low on Tuesday's blood test.

Today went pretty well! My ultrasounds showed six decently sized follicles on the right ovary, and one on the left. That's the side I had the cyst and the endometriosis on, and I guess that ovary is still unhappy. Anyway, the six on the right side are pretty good, all ranging from 9-11 mm. There are two largest, 11 mm ones. Is it mm? I am not sure.

Dr. F says that I am not a great responder, although I am not doing poorly either. Overall he seemed quite pleased with where I am. After all, we only need one great egg (though I'd like to have more to freeze).

Right now, we're on track for only three to four more nights of stims, and a retrieval next Tuesday or Wednesday (today is Thursday). I am still waiting on my e level from the blood test this morning, but I'll probably not change my meds again. Most likely I will go back on Saturday morning and then we'll know more about a retrieval date, I think.

So, feeling relieved- I was nervous, as usual. I was so worried because of my e level being low last time. I hope it's risen- but most importantly, today I had decent follicles. And I'll only be on the drugs 8-9 days, instead of 12, which also pleases me.

More news later, when I hear back from the nurse about the estrogen level.

UPDATE: my estrogen jumped from 99 on Tuesday to 362 today! The nurse sounded very pleased. We go back in another two days, Saturday, for more blood work and another ultrasound. Feeling great!

Good News!

I was so nervous that I laid in bed for over an hour after B fell asleep, worrying about today's appointment. We got in bed at 10:30 pm and I remember looking at the clock and it was 11:30 pm and I was still awake. This morning I woke up at 6:10 am and I was a bundle of nerves and stomach pains.

BUT: it all went well! My ultrasound showed quiet ovaries and a good endometrium lining. My estrogen is fine too, although I wasn't as worried about that part. The good ultrasound has calmed me down. I received my list of medication instructions and am scheduled to start the new shots this upcoming Saturday, July 7th. My husband starts his pills then too, and I go in on Tuesday, July 10th for bloodwork. Retrieval will fall sometime between Sunday, July 15th and Thursday, July 19th. Transfer will be 3 or 5 days after that. Pregnancy test sometime the first week of August.

Feeling a sense of relief after many days/weeks of being on edge, hoping and wondering.

Also, feeling okay on the Lupron so far. It's only been 6 shots but I am doing okay. I had one small freak-out in the airport last night, after I messed up my injection (which I then corrected), but overall it's been fine. However, I felt okay till after day 6 or 7 last time and then I crashed down and became a hormonal, crying mess, so there's no telling what awaits me.

But for now, relief.

Femara report

Had my much-awaited doctor's appointment today. My uterine lining is great, the three lines are very visible... and I'm either about to ovulate, or I have a big, complex cyst.

If I get a surge over the weekend, then it was most likely a follicle and not a cyst. If I don't get a surge, it was a cyst.

I might have gotten the LH surge this afternoon, but I am not 100% sure. I'll test again after work, and see if my temperature rises on Sunday. Here's hoping.

In other news, if I am not pregnant this month, then I'll be having an HSG test in about three weeks, followed by another ultrasound to check on the cyst and talk about the HSG results, and the next steps. For now, we're sticking with a second month of Femara if I do not conceive this cycle.

I am trying not to get my hopes up too much, and I am definitely less anxious than I used to be. Maybe I've gotten used to disappointment, or gotten tired of the stress, I don't know.

On the plus side, Dr. F. gave me his blessing to exercise in my normal manner during the 2WW. I had been toning it down those two weeks, but I think I am done with that. I don't think an hour of exercise is really going to prevent me from getting pregnant. It will either happen or it won't.

Tired but feeling okay with all this. I guess.

Waiting game

Well, 28 hours after I emailed my doctor, she finally found the time to call me back. She said it does sound like I've ovulated, since I've had five high temps. She didn't know how to explain why my ultrasound showed all small follicles, except the one huge 40mm cyst. She really didn't have any explanation for me. All I know is that I must have ovulated that same day.

Anyway, the huge cyst might be a problem, so I'm to come back for a baseline ultrasound if I get my period next week. Then we'll decide if I should stay on the Clomid, and what to do about dosage.

I'm telling you, if I have to take a month off of drugs, I am going on vacation! I need a break from all this, and it's impossible for us to plan our usual Xmas get-away, since we never know if I'll be pregnant or not, and I don't want to fly if I'm still in my first trimester. Ugh, all this not-knowing is very stressful. I've been handling it better than last month, my first one on Clomid, but I'm still eager for time to speed up and for it to be day 13 already. Hopefully day 13, 14, 15 and beyond- with no period.

Good night,

SICK OF ALWAYS WAITING in North Carolina.

Can an ultrasound be wrong?

So either I am pretty late ovulating, or I am 3 dpo (days past ovulation). I have no idea which one and I'm not sure what to think. Here's the deal: I had my mid-cycle ultrasound on day 18 (last month I ovulated on day 21 or 22). I had gotten what I thought was probably a positive ovulation test the day before- day 17. It was definitely as dark as the control line, though not darker like last month when I had a positive ovulation test. So I was unsure, and I told the residents when they did my ultrasound. They looked, and said they didn't think I had ovulated, that my lining was still thinner than it should be (7.5, when ideally it's 8-12, but at least I was above 6, what is considered the minimum), and that they saw one huge cyst (40mm) and a bunch of small ones, like around 11-14 mm (I can't remember if they said 11 or 14. forgive me, but it was 7:30 am and I am not human yet at that hour. I was also nervous and upset, as always at the doctor's when I have a huge wand up my wazoo).

Anyway, they said it looked to them like I had not ovulated, but that I was on track to ovulate on Monday, day 22, just like last month.

I accepted this, and carried on, and have continued to do ovulation tests. Today is day 21, Sunday, and I have not really gotten a positive test yes (today's was darker than normal, but not as dark as Wednesday's). However, this is the weird part: I got that positive test last Wednesday, and my temperature spiked on Friday morning. It's been high each day since.

So it does seem that I might have ovulated. I don't know why it wouldn't appear that way on my ultrasound, except that they don't seem very reliable to me. More an art than a science. Last month they told me I had already ovulated, when in fact I wouldn't for another week. So, I kinda think those residents might be, uh, not that good at ultrasounds. Or it's just hard to read. Or they did say that big cyst was making things really hard to see.

So, I'm trying not to obsess, and we're just continuing to try to make a baby every other day, and I'll keep peeing in a cup and temping. I'm hoping that I really am 3dpo and not just not ovulating. I think I will email my doctor tomorrow and ask, "Can an ultrasound be wrong???"

Has anyone else ever gotten mixed messages like this? Or had a similar reason to doubt the ultrasounds???

Thanks for reading, whoever you are. Good night.