Today is my son's 11 week birthday. I'm sitting in his room, which I used to never go into. It was a dreaded empty room, waiting for years to have a baby for it. But now it might be my favorite room in the house. We've fixed it up cute, and though he doesn't sleep in here yet, I spend plenty of time changing him, dressing him, and rocking him in here. Right now he's happily gurgling away in the swing next to me.
After the heavy last entry, I thought I should give an update. To summarize: life is pretty good. It was a dark, dark time for many weeks there. As I wrote last time, his birth went differently than expected, and we struggled with major feeding issues. At around six weeks, I made the hardest- and best- decision of our brief acquaintance. I quit pumping. I quit breastfeeding. It just wasn't working, and I was becoming non-responsive to the pump. I dreaded every pumping session, because sometimes he would cry, and once I was hooked up, there wasn't much I could do. I'd pray he wouldn't cry, and if he did, I'd have to jiggle him on my lap, trying desperately to get enough milk for his next meal. At night, we were forcing him to get up on the pumping schedule, not letting him wake naturally for meals. I was barely sleeping more than 2.5 hours at a clip. I was exhausted, and still mostly having to use formula anyway. This arrangement was making me a really unhappy mama.
So, I quit. It took almost three weeks to wean from the pump, because my breasts are really... responsive? I don't know. I just am really prone to clogged ducts and so I had to take it nice and slow. But life is SO MUCH BETTER NOW.
In a way, I think breast pumps are a scourge of modern life. I know many women who exclusively pump, and while some are willing to do anything to give their babies breast milk, many of us are miserable and live guilty lives, thinking we have to keep up these unrealistic schedules, trying to pump and care for a newborn. And I am totally not convinced breast milk is really the be-all, end all anyway (article link here, if you care). My son is healthy and thriving on formula, and my bonding has increased in a major way since I made the decision to stop forcing the issue. He's happy with a bottle, I'm happy with not being chained to my pump, and we've made the best of it. I chose donor egg partially so I could breastfeed, but it didn't increase our bonding, it just stressed us both out. Perhaps it will be different if I am fortunate enough to have another baby. They seem to think it's related to his breech presentation, and there's not a huge likelihood I will have another breech baby (though with my luck, I wouldn't be surprised...).
Anyway, enough about pumping. Being a mom is about more than feeding.
I LOVE MY SON SO MUCH.
I believe my postpartum blues clouded this for a while at the beginning, and it's only in the last three or four weeks that my love has fully blossomed, unclouded by the anxiety I struggled through at the beginning. I am now more deeply bonded to this little creature than I ever thought possible.
And you know what? This is weird, but he looks nothing like my husband. Okay, maybe his bad hair, ha ha (he has a weird receeding hairline at 11 weeks old- maybe the hair will still grow in!). He has my coloring, dark hair and olive skin, because we picked a donor who looks like me. But my son- he looks a LOT like our donor. He has her nose, for sure. My husband kinda has a big honker, and I have a medium nose, but my son has this cute little button nose that turns up at the end. And when I look back at the donor's photos, it's an exact replica of hers. It's unmistakable.
But this bears emphasizing: I do not care one bit. I see her every time I contemplate his features, and it matters not one bit to me. I really thought, while pregnant, it would be a bigger loss. But it's not. I remain grateful to her every day, and thankful we could pursue this treatment, but this boy feels 100% mine. I grew him, I sleep curled next to him every night, I cuddle him all day long, I feed him bottles while he stares deeply into my eyes and rewards me with the cutest, sweetest smiles. This boy is a true miracle child.
I go back to work in one month and I cannot imagine being apart from him. Unfortunately I can't quit, due to the expense of donor egg and also the scarcity of jobs in my field if I wanted to find a new one later. But I do hope I can cut my hours a bit so I can leave at 3 and spend some extra time each day with him. I'm not sure if I can, but I'll deal with it once I am back there.
And a parting word: postpartum depression is real. I'm not sure I had true depression, but certainly more than the regular baby blues. And having gone through infertility is a true risk factor for experiencing the dark places I went to. I think it's because we try so hard to have a baby, and then when it arrives and it's so hard, we blame ourselves for not only experiencing rainbows and unicorns. Add in a hard birth and some medical issues, and there's a recipe for trouble. I wish I had known this, and I plan to be as open with my hard times as I try to be about the struggle to get pregnant.
As a parting word, I'll say that this has been the hardest 11 weeks of my life. But when I wake up with the baby in my arms each morning, I know it was worth it. I'd do it again, I'd struggle through infertility and IVFs if I had to, but this boy is the best thing that's happened to me since marrying my husband. I thank the universe, my perseverance, and the donor a million times over. Thank you.
Showing posts with label donor eggs. Show all posts
Showing posts with label donor eggs. Show all posts
Friday, May 9, 2014
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
For the Future
It's been a long time since I've written. I have been feeling fine, and nothing exciting to report. I'm 25 weeks today, and feeling more and more comfortable with this pregnancy. The baby has been kicking day and night, and I can't explain how much I love it. I LOVE it. But that's not what I want to talk about. I want to tell you about the project I'm working on.
For background: I spent the last couple of nights working on one of my Channukah gifts for my husband. It's a yearly tradition of mine to make a desk calendar for him, highlighting our travels and other fun times we captured in photos. This year, obviously, there are a few recent photos of my small but somewhat noticeable pregnancy belly. I'm still not showing much, at 25 weeks, though I have gained about 14 pounds and am in the normal range. Not sure where it's all gone, but should I be relieved that if I ever become a permanently very chubby woman, no one would notice that either? Ha.
Anyway, after making the calendar for my husband's gift, I realized I have all these photos of my (barely-there) tummy, and even more photos of all the ultrasounds we've had (five total, from weeks 7-20). So I just spent a bunch of time collating the photos from my email, my phone, and my iPad into one big folder.
What will I do with these? Well, they tell a story. There is a picture of my 5-day embryo we transferred, a grinning and crying photo of me holding my first ever positive pregnancy test, records of all of our ultrasounds, and the photos of me with my little tummy, slowly growing. I put them all in order, labeled by the number of weeks I was, and sometime before or after the baby comes, I'll make a photo book using Snapfish or some other service. Then, someday when he is ready, my child will have a record of how much we wanted him, how long the process was, how excited we were every step of the way once I became pregnant, and how very special his conception was.
I want to be very open with him about his donor conception, but in a way that makes him feel wanted, loved, and precious to us. Because that's what he will be, and already is. I know we will have hard times when he may scream that I'm not his real mom, as even genetic children probably do at some point. It will not all be perfect or wonderful, and we've taken a very non-traditional path to parenthood. But I hope this book I will create helps with him understanding how intentional our choosing this path was for us. I will present it as very matter-of-fact, as one more picture book amongst his collection of books. I think this will be a really good way to normalize his unique beginnings.
And if he doesn't care, then it will be a piece of history for me. It doesn't show the heartbreak and failures I endured before we had success, or the financial disaster that infertility was, or the frustration and anger I struggled with for two and a half years. But it shows that we are (I hope) on the way to a happy ending that can come after all the struggle.
For background: I spent the last couple of nights working on one of my Channukah gifts for my husband. It's a yearly tradition of mine to make a desk calendar for him, highlighting our travels and other fun times we captured in photos. This year, obviously, there are a few recent photos of my small but somewhat noticeable pregnancy belly. I'm still not showing much, at 25 weeks, though I have gained about 14 pounds and am in the normal range. Not sure where it's all gone, but should I be relieved that if I ever become a permanently very chubby woman, no one would notice that either? Ha.
Anyway, after making the calendar for my husband's gift, I realized I have all these photos of my (barely-there) tummy, and even more photos of all the ultrasounds we've had (five total, from weeks 7-20). So I just spent a bunch of time collating the photos from my email, my phone, and my iPad into one big folder.
What will I do with these? Well, they tell a story. There is a picture of my 5-day embryo we transferred, a grinning and crying photo of me holding my first ever positive pregnancy test, records of all of our ultrasounds, and the photos of me with my little tummy, slowly growing. I put them all in order, labeled by the number of weeks I was, and sometime before or after the baby comes, I'll make a photo book using Snapfish or some other service. Then, someday when he is ready, my child will have a record of how much we wanted him, how long the process was, how excited we were every step of the way once I became pregnant, and how very special his conception was.
I want to be very open with him about his donor conception, but in a way that makes him feel wanted, loved, and precious to us. Because that's what he will be, and already is. I know we will have hard times when he may scream that I'm not his real mom, as even genetic children probably do at some point. It will not all be perfect or wonderful, and we've taken a very non-traditional path to parenthood. But I hope this book I will create helps with him understanding how intentional our choosing this path was for us. I will present it as very matter-of-fact, as one more picture book amongst his collection of books. I think this will be a really good way to normalize his unique beginnings.
And if he doesn't care, then it will be a piece of history for me. It doesn't show the heartbreak and failures I endured before we had success, or the financial disaster that infertility was, or the frustration and anger I struggled with for two and a half years. But it shows that we are (I hope) on the way to a happy ending that can come after all the struggle.
Thursday, August 15, 2013
11 week update: graduation, and thoughts on starting a new RESOLVE group
Yesterday was our last appointment at the fertility center. Yup, it's official: I have been released! I have graduated! Also, as of this morning, I am no longer on any medications (other than continuing the baby aspirin and my prenatals).
It's a strange, scary feeling. And also kind of anticlimactic. Since my first positive beta, nine weeks ago, I've never even gotten a call from my doctor down in Atlanta. He did the transfer, was really nice, but it's been nurses since then. Not even the same nurse. Oh, well. I got what I wanted.
As for telling people, we're still being cautious. This is on account of three things: first, I'd like to get through 12 weeks and also the Down's screening. We're not too worried about it since we used a 23 year old donor, but you never know. We would terminate if there are any serious problems, as traumatic as that would be. I pray we never would need to make those kinds of decisions.
Second, I have a job interview! It's not an ideal job and I probably will not get it, but I don't want to totally ruin my chances if someone were to post something dumb on Facebook (I did change my wall settings today, so B's mom can't blab anything, she's kind of a Facebook stalker in general).
And third, I want to be really sensitive in how and whom we share the news with. Pregnancy announcements were always so hard for me, as I've written about before. I don't know that we will say anything on Facebook at all, but even when sharing with colleagues and friends, I haven't decided how much info is TMI and how much is being aware and open that it's not easy for everyone. These are all things to consider in a few more weeks.
This week was the first RESOLVE meeting that I didn't attend and I'd say that felt weird, except I believe I slept through most of that time anyway. I am still having such exhaustion. I guess since I dealt with infertility for so long, none of my friends warned me what being pregnant would really be like. I am SO tired, and never feel well-rested, and must nap every afternoon or I feel like the flu times ten. I also struggle with nausea most evenings, but thankfully not usually in the daytime when I am at work. I don't really mind any of it too much though, because this is what I wanted.
Back to the RESOLVE thing- a friend from the group and I, both pregnant, have talked about starting a Pregnancy and/or Parenting after Infertility group. I checked out our local library and it has a good meeting space that we can reserve once a month. But, for some reason I have been dragging my feet about actually starting the group. I guess I am not sure exactly what role it would have in my life or other's. I definitely had some anxiety in the first few weeks of pregnancy, and I still get nervous before ultrasounds, but I'm wondering what specific needs a group like this would fill. Has anyone else heard about these groups? There are some, scattered around, mainly in larger cities. Anyway, something to consider a bit more.
My next doctor's appointment will be with the midwives, on Monday morning. I need to gather my donor's info and my own medical records to bring with me. I hope the midwife is understanding and supportive about our history.
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| It's not a kitten, folks. My husband asked the nurse, just to be sure. |
As for telling people, we're still being cautious. This is on account of three things: first, I'd like to get through 12 weeks and also the Down's screening. We're not too worried about it since we used a 23 year old donor, but you never know. We would terminate if there are any serious problems, as traumatic as that would be. I pray we never would need to make those kinds of decisions.
Second, I have a job interview! It's not an ideal job and I probably will not get it, but I don't want to totally ruin my chances if someone were to post something dumb on Facebook (I did change my wall settings today, so B's mom can't blab anything, she's kind of a Facebook stalker in general).
And third, I want to be really sensitive in how and whom we share the news with. Pregnancy announcements were always so hard for me, as I've written about before. I don't know that we will say anything on Facebook at all, but even when sharing with colleagues and friends, I haven't decided how much info is TMI and how much is being aware and open that it's not easy for everyone. These are all things to consider in a few more weeks.
This week was the first RESOLVE meeting that I didn't attend and I'd say that felt weird, except I believe I slept through most of that time anyway. I am still having such exhaustion. I guess since I dealt with infertility for so long, none of my friends warned me what being pregnant would really be like. I am SO tired, and never feel well-rested, and must nap every afternoon or I feel like the flu times ten. I also struggle with nausea most evenings, but thankfully not usually in the daytime when I am at work. I don't really mind any of it too much though, because this is what I wanted.
Back to the RESOLVE thing- a friend from the group and I, both pregnant, have talked about starting a Pregnancy and/or Parenting after Infertility group. I checked out our local library and it has a good meeting space that we can reserve once a month. But, for some reason I have been dragging my feet about actually starting the group. I guess I am not sure exactly what role it would have in my life or other's. I definitely had some anxiety in the first few weeks of pregnancy, and I still get nervous before ultrasounds, but I'm wondering what specific needs a group like this would fill. Has anyone else heard about these groups? There are some, scattered around, mainly in larger cities. Anyway, something to consider a bit more.
My next doctor's appointment will be with the midwives, on Monday morning. I need to gather my donor's info and my own medical records to bring with me. I hope the midwife is understanding and supportive about our history.
Thursday, August 1, 2013
Weaning Begins...
Guess what? Amazing news: I am being weaned off my drugs!
I got the call late yesterday from one of my doctor's nurses. I am now dropping to two patches of estrogen instead of four, and one progesterone applicator a day instead of two.
Of course I am nervous as hell, because these medications are what has been feeding and supporting my pregnancy. But I guess my placenta must be starting to take over. We saw the yolk sack and the umbilical cord at yesterday's ultrasound- not sure if those things are related or what, but seems like it might be?
So, last night when my alarm went off at 8 pm, I just shut it off and continued reading my book. Totally weird.
I am really scared and really excited and, as usual, really tired :)
I got the call late yesterday from one of my doctor's nurses. I am now dropping to two patches of estrogen instead of four, and one progesterone applicator a day instead of two.
Of course I am nervous as hell, because these medications are what has been feeding and supporting my pregnancy. But I guess my placenta must be starting to take over. We saw the yolk sack and the umbilical cord at yesterday's ultrasound- not sure if those things are related or what, but seems like it might be?
So, last night when my alarm went off at 8 pm, I just shut it off and continued reading my book. Totally weird.
I am really scared and really excited and, as usual, really tired :)
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Second Heartbeat
Today was the second time we got to hear the heartbeat, at 8 weeks and 5 days. It was steady, thumping in there at 185 bpm. The nurse practitioner says I am measuring just fine, and the baby is happy and healthy. I cried. Then we left and I cried some more.
It's really, really sinking in. Most of the time I'm just too exhausted to think of anything at all. I drag my sorry ass out of bed, get it to work and into a seat, and try to make it through the day or at least till 3 pm before I give up and go home to sleep. I wake before dinner, and if B isn't home, I subsist on frozen Amy's tofu breakfast burritos, and then eagerly await 10:30 or 11 pm when I can crawl back into bed. Pregnancy is way more exhausting than anyone had ever warned me.
But I don't mind it. It's just that it doesn't seem connected to anything larger. It seems like I've always been tired, and always will be. It's hard to relate it to the fact that somewhere inside me, a baby soul is growing. I'm not throwing up, I haven't gained any weight, and we've been extremely conservative in telling friends and family. So it's very easy to not feel pregnant at all, and to think of nothing more than napping and eating and regular stuff.
However, today's ultrasound felt real. Unlike last time, there was more to see. The blob has distinct parts, I could see a head and "rump," the yolk sack and umbilical cord were there, the heartbeat is like boom-boom-boom, and the nurse-practitioner was effusive in her excitement. So different from last time.
I can't say I've relaxed totally, because I know we're not out of the high risk danger zone. I am not even quite 9 weeks. I have a bruise inside my uterus that may still cause some bleeding (it hasn't yet, but she said to take it easy) and that's a little scary, though not risky to the uterus' inhabitant.
After we left the clinic today, I was crying again in the car. They were toys of relief and of joy, but with some sadness mixed in. I am so grateful to have this future ahead of me, but as the pregnancy becomes more real, I'm also struggling with the donor egg part becoming more real too. This baby that I am growing is thriving because of the healthy eggs of someone else. A strong, healthy 23 year old woman gave me her genetic material so that I might have and carry a child. It's amazing and mind-blowing when you think about what this means. I will never see my eyes reflected in the same dark brown, I'll never catch my mom's smile in a little girl's face. I was not able to grow my own genetic child, but this healthy 23 year old shared her eggs so that I can. It's sorrowful and wonderful at the same time, and it's really happening. I am a science experiment that may indeed succeed, and it's modern medicine and my donor that is giving me this gift. I still want to cry when I think of what I've given up, and scream with happiness when I think of what I am still going to have instead. I cried there on the table today because it's still hard to believe that something worked for me at last, that I really can have a baby. I cried on the way home because I really can have a baby, though not in the way I'd hoped and dreamed when I started all this over two and a half years ago.
To all those still fighting for their babies-to-be, I am there with you. I may not have as much to say as I used to, but soon I will exit the brain fog of the first trimester and will have more concrete things to share. I do plan on starting a pregnancy after infertility group, because I do feel differently than my friends who have conceived naturally. I feel close to those who have walked the same hard path as I, and those who still have the fears and worries that continue to stay with me.
But for now, the most important thing on my mind is what I heard and saw today on that screen. Hello, embryo with a little heartbeat. I am so, so glad you are here with us.
It's really, really sinking in. Most of the time I'm just too exhausted to think of anything at all. I drag my sorry ass out of bed, get it to work and into a seat, and try to make it through the day or at least till 3 pm before I give up and go home to sleep. I wake before dinner, and if B isn't home, I subsist on frozen Amy's tofu breakfast burritos, and then eagerly await 10:30 or 11 pm when I can crawl back into bed. Pregnancy is way more exhausting than anyone had ever warned me.
But I don't mind it. It's just that it doesn't seem connected to anything larger. It seems like I've always been tired, and always will be. It's hard to relate it to the fact that somewhere inside me, a baby soul is growing. I'm not throwing up, I haven't gained any weight, and we've been extremely conservative in telling friends and family. So it's very easy to not feel pregnant at all, and to think of nothing more than napping and eating and regular stuff.
However, today's ultrasound felt real. Unlike last time, there was more to see. The blob has distinct parts, I could see a head and "rump," the yolk sack and umbilical cord were there, the heartbeat is like boom-boom-boom, and the nurse-practitioner was effusive in her excitement. So different from last time.
 |
| A slightly more distinct blob this time! |
I can't say I've relaxed totally, because I know we're not out of the high risk danger zone. I am not even quite 9 weeks. I have a bruise inside my uterus that may still cause some bleeding (it hasn't yet, but she said to take it easy) and that's a little scary, though not risky to the uterus' inhabitant.
After we left the clinic today, I was crying again in the car. They were toys of relief and of joy, but with some sadness mixed in. I am so grateful to have this future ahead of me, but as the pregnancy becomes more real, I'm also struggling with the donor egg part becoming more real too. This baby that I am growing is thriving because of the healthy eggs of someone else. A strong, healthy 23 year old woman gave me her genetic material so that I might have and carry a child. It's amazing and mind-blowing when you think about what this means. I will never see my eyes reflected in the same dark brown, I'll never catch my mom's smile in a little girl's face. I was not able to grow my own genetic child, but this healthy 23 year old shared her eggs so that I can. It's sorrowful and wonderful at the same time, and it's really happening. I am a science experiment that may indeed succeed, and it's modern medicine and my donor that is giving me this gift. I still want to cry when I think of what I've given up, and scream with happiness when I think of what I am still going to have instead. I cried there on the table today because it's still hard to believe that something worked for me at last, that I really can have a baby. I cried on the way home because I really can have a baby, though not in the way I'd hoped and dreamed when I started all this over two and a half years ago.
To all those still fighting for their babies-to-be, I am there with you. I may not have as much to say as I used to, but soon I will exit the brain fog of the first trimester and will have more concrete things to share. I do plan on starting a pregnancy after infertility group, because I do feel differently than my friends who have conceived naturally. I feel close to those who have walked the same hard path as I, and those who still have the fears and worries that continue to stay with me.
But for now, the most important thing on my mind is what I heard and saw today on that screen. Hello, embryo with a little heartbeat. I am so, so glad you are here with us.
Friday, June 21, 2013
2dp5dt
Today is my 33rd birthday! And what a good birthday it has been so far.
Beautiful roses from my husband:
He also gave me a pretty necklace and a delicious-looking bar of dark chocolate with sea salt and almonds (my favorite!) and some fancy hand carved chopsticks. My mom sent me a tabletop grill (to prepare all the yummy veggies I will soon have coming out of my garden) and something else- she said it's in today's mail, which hasn't come yet. My bum dad said he mailed me a present too but it hasn't come either. Also, my friend in ATL gave me a cookbook from one of the wonderful vegetarian restaurants we went to this week. Tonight I am seeing Pilobolus (modern dance) with friends.
And, of course, I have my perfect little embryo, which is what I really wanted. And my five frozen ones (yes! one of the ones they were observing turned out to be good, so they added it to the four I already had).
I am showered with riches and feeling pretty happy right now.
Oh, one more thing: I just went to the bathroom to pee, and there were a few spots of light pink. Is it my cervix irritated by all the Crinone? Or could it possibly be implantation bleeding???
Only time will tell. Now I have to go do some work for my HOA and eat some of that delicious chocolate bar that is beckoning to me. What a wonderful birthday this year.
Beautiful roses from my husband:
He also gave me a pretty necklace and a delicious-looking bar of dark chocolate with sea salt and almonds (my favorite!) and some fancy hand carved chopsticks. My mom sent me a tabletop grill (to prepare all the yummy veggies I will soon have coming out of my garden) and something else- she said it's in today's mail, which hasn't come yet. My bum dad said he mailed me a present too but it hasn't come either. Also, my friend in ATL gave me a cookbook from one of the wonderful vegetarian restaurants we went to this week. Tonight I am seeing Pilobolus (modern dance) with friends.
And, of course, I have my perfect little embryo, which is what I really wanted. And my five frozen ones (yes! one of the ones they were observing turned out to be good, so they added it to the four I already had).
I am showered with riches and feeling pretty happy right now.
Oh, one more thing: I just went to the bathroom to pee, and there were a few spots of light pink. Is it my cervix irritated by all the Crinone? Or could it possibly be implantation bleeding???
Only time will tell. Now I have to go do some work for my HOA and eat some of that delicious chocolate bar that is beckoning to me. What a wonderful birthday this year.
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Transfer Day
I've done three IVF transfers before, but yesterday morning was the first time I've ever walked into the clinic and not wanted to burst into tears. For the first time ever, I grinned as I greeted the receptionist: I was going in for a five day blastocyst transfer- a good, strong, healthy embryo!
My friend went with me, and we got settled into the transfer room. The nurses checked my bladder and it was full enough (I was afraid I'd pee right on the table there!). The doctor and the embryologist came in, and they gave me the amazing news: of the 7 eggs that fertilized from the 8 that were provided, I had one amazing, grade AA embryo to transfer and 4 great quality blasts that had already been frozen! There are also two more that might also have been frozen today (note to self: email nurse and check to see if that happened or not).
This was above and beyond my wildest dreams and I cannot express how thrilled I am with these numbers. The clinic's nurses were all so nice, and my doctor and the embryologist were wonderful. When they projected my perfect little embryo on the screen, I couldn't help but start crying. I think my friend was crying too, just because it all seemed so magical and special. She held my hand and it felt like something truly otherworldly was happening. When I saw the bright dot at the end of the catheter released into my uterus, it felt like all of my struggles and troubles with my own eggs was almost redeemed by this one perfect embryo. I know it's weird, but I already felt like it's mine.
Anyway, I don't want to get too involved or too fixated on what may or may not come to be. The doctor said with an embryo this good, my chances are about 70% success. But he cautioned me that 70% means that still 30% of cycles, even with this perfect embryo, result in a negative. I am hoping and praying that I come out on the good side of the odds for once, but I am somewhat comforted by the fact that I have either 4 or 6 blasts waiting for me, if this cycle should fail (and if not.. they are waiting, if I should want them in a couple of years...).
My friend went with me, and we got settled into the transfer room. The nurses checked my bladder and it was full enough (I was afraid I'd pee right on the table there!). The doctor and the embryologist came in, and they gave me the amazing news: of the 7 eggs that fertilized from the 8 that were provided, I had one amazing, grade AA embryo to transfer and 4 great quality blasts that had already been frozen! There are also two more that might also have been frozen today (note to self: email nurse and check to see if that happened or not).
This was above and beyond my wildest dreams and I cannot express how thrilled I am with these numbers. The clinic's nurses were all so nice, and my doctor and the embryologist were wonderful. When they projected my perfect little embryo on the screen, I couldn't help but start crying. I think my friend was crying too, just because it all seemed so magical and special. She held my hand and it felt like something truly otherworldly was happening. When I saw the bright dot at the end of the catheter released into my uterus, it felt like all of my struggles and troubles with my own eggs was almost redeemed by this one perfect embryo. I know it's weird, but I already felt like it's mine.
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| No, I did not transfer a cat embryo. This is just my friend's adorable kitty, and my adorable embryo. |
It was hard to watch this cycle go better than planned, when my own have failed so miserably. But I am trying not to think about this, and to instead focus on the positive. I test a week from tomorrow, and all I can do is wait, hope, and stare at the photo of my one, perfect embryo. It feels so good to have hope again.
Monday, June 17, 2013
Happiness and Hope
I have been meaning to update this blog for a few days now, but I've been so busy! Finally, today, I have some quiet time while my friend is at work.
On Thursday afternoon we drove down to Atlanta. It's about six hours away but we hit a terrible storm, and we stopped a lot for food, gas, and breaks. We also had some good chuckles at how stereotypical South Carolina was. All along the highway, there were signs mainly for girly shows, peaches, and fireworks. Also this, which B refers to as a sin against humanity (and if you've never had a boiled peanut before, there is no way to describe the hot, soggy, salty mess that I've been unfortunate enough to experience):
Friday morning we got up and B went to the clinic to give his "sample," and then came back for me. We returned to the clinic and met with my doctor. He is as nice and friendly and reassuring as he was on the phone. I can't say enough good things about him. The clinic was bright and welcoming, the nurse was super nice, and the doctor reassured me that a lining of 7 is just fine. He decided not to bother with a mock transfer since I've done IVF so many times before, and he'll be doing my transfer himself. It was a quick and pleasant appointment. Then B and I went to wonderful vegetarian cafe and enjoyed some delicious food, and then we went and were tourists downtown. We went to the World of Coke, which was cheesy and silly but sort of fun. I dislike Coke, but it was a good way to distract myself from anxiously awaiting the news.
On Saturday morning, the news came at 9:11 am. I had just woken up, and was lying there, stomach in knots. At my other clinics, I've always had to wait for what seemed like all day, and I've always gotten off the phone crushed and in tears. My first IVF we had 5 mature eggs and only 1 fertilized normally. My second IVF, we had 4 eggs and 2 fertilized. My third and final IVF, we had 6 eggs, 5 of which were mature, but only 2 fertilized. We've always had to do a day 2 or day 3 transfer, and the embryos were crappy quality.
This time: they thawed 8 donor eggs and SEVEN fertilized! Not only that, but they were looking so good, that the next day (Sunday), they called and left me a message that we are definitely on for a five day transfer!
This is amazing news. I can't even convey how excited I was to hear that 7 of the 8 fertilized. I was jumping up and down, crying with happiness, blabbering to the lady on the phone that I've never had more than 2 eggs fertilize. I was ecstatic and so is B. I just have never gotten good news when it comes to all my procedures and outcomes, and this was even better than I had hoped for. I was on cloud nine all day, and B couldn't stop hugging me and sneaking kisses on my cheek every few minutes. It was super cute and such an amazing feeling to finally have something to be happy about.
We spent Saturday with our friends, in a small town called Athens, Georgia. We ate at another fabulous vegetarian cafe, walked around the campus of UGa and just had a good time browsing through little bookstores, record shops, and vintage places.
On Sunday, yesterday, I missed my phone call, but the nurse left a message to say that things are looking good with the embryos and we are definitely on for a five day transfer! I had another great day yesterday with my friend- we dropped B off at the airport to fly home, and we went to the High Museum of Art and the MLK Memorial Site in Atlanta:
Later that evening, we cooked another delicious meal, vegetarian burritos and cilantro roasted potatoes and a nice green salad. My friend and I went to grad school together and cooking together has always been one of our favorite things to do:
And now, I am just sitting in her condo, finally taking some time and space to catch up on email, news in the world, and this blog of course. The magnitude of this news is still with me, as we have better chances of a successful outcome than I have ever had before. It is a relief and saddening what this donor egg process proves: it was my eggs all the time that were the problem. The horrible fertilization and division of the embryos has been totally opposite when using our healthy 23 year old's eggs. Mainly, it's a huge relief, because this means that unless I have some other problem, I have a very real chance of a healthy pregnancy and finally getting to have a child. A smaller part of me is still mourning that I couldn't do this on my own, at the young age of 32. I have always tested okay for AMH (a little low, but not horrible) and all my other hormones are fine. I did have moderate to severe endometriosis, but I had surgery and they thought that would make conception impossible. But, donor egg has proven to me that the eggs are what was stopping us from getting good embryos in my three IVF cycles. It's hard to hear that it was me all along, but ultimately, it is good. In the end, I want a child, and I want to carry it and nurture it myself, and this miracle of donor egg is hopefully going to make that possible.
More news tomorrow when they call with a transfer time and an update on the embryos. Till then, I am just trying to enjoy my newfound happiness.
On Thursday afternoon we drove down to Atlanta. It's about six hours away but we hit a terrible storm, and we stopped a lot for food, gas, and breaks. We also had some good chuckles at how stereotypical South Carolina was. All along the highway, there were signs mainly for girly shows, peaches, and fireworks. Also this, which B refers to as a sin against humanity (and if you've never had a boiled peanut before, there is no way to describe the hot, soggy, salty mess that I've been unfortunate enough to experience):
Friday morning we got up and B went to the clinic to give his "sample," and then came back for me. We returned to the clinic and met with my doctor. He is as nice and friendly and reassuring as he was on the phone. I can't say enough good things about him. The clinic was bright and welcoming, the nurse was super nice, and the doctor reassured me that a lining of 7 is just fine. He decided not to bother with a mock transfer since I've done IVF so many times before, and he'll be doing my transfer himself. It was a quick and pleasant appointment. Then B and I went to wonderful vegetarian cafe and enjoyed some delicious food, and then we went and were tourists downtown. We went to the World of Coke, which was cheesy and silly but sort of fun. I dislike Coke, but it was a good way to distract myself from anxiously awaiting the news.
On Saturday morning, the news came at 9:11 am. I had just woken up, and was lying there, stomach in knots. At my other clinics, I've always had to wait for what seemed like all day, and I've always gotten off the phone crushed and in tears. My first IVF we had 5 mature eggs and only 1 fertilized normally. My second IVF, we had 4 eggs and 2 fertilized. My third and final IVF, we had 6 eggs, 5 of which were mature, but only 2 fertilized. We've always had to do a day 2 or day 3 transfer, and the embryos were crappy quality.
This time: they thawed 8 donor eggs and SEVEN fertilized! Not only that, but they were looking so good, that the next day (Sunday), they called and left me a message that we are definitely on for a five day transfer!
This is amazing news. I can't even convey how excited I was to hear that 7 of the 8 fertilized. I was jumping up and down, crying with happiness, blabbering to the lady on the phone that I've never had more than 2 eggs fertilize. I was ecstatic and so is B. I just have never gotten good news when it comes to all my procedures and outcomes, and this was even better than I had hoped for. I was on cloud nine all day, and B couldn't stop hugging me and sneaking kisses on my cheek every few minutes. It was super cute and such an amazing feeling to finally have something to be happy about.
We spent Saturday with our friends, in a small town called Athens, Georgia. We ate at another fabulous vegetarian cafe, walked around the campus of UGa and just had a good time browsing through little bookstores, record shops, and vintage places.
On Sunday, yesterday, I missed my phone call, but the nurse left a message to say that things are looking good with the embryos and we are definitely on for a five day transfer! I had another great day yesterday with my friend- we dropped B off at the airport to fly home, and we went to the High Museum of Art and the MLK Memorial Site in Atlanta:
Later that evening, we cooked another delicious meal, vegetarian burritos and cilantro roasted potatoes and a nice green salad. My friend and I went to grad school together and cooking together has always been one of our favorite things to do:
And now, I am just sitting in her condo, finally taking some time and space to catch up on email, news in the world, and this blog of course. The magnitude of this news is still with me, as we have better chances of a successful outcome than I have ever had before. It is a relief and saddening what this donor egg process proves: it was my eggs all the time that were the problem. The horrible fertilization and division of the embryos has been totally opposite when using our healthy 23 year old's eggs. Mainly, it's a huge relief, because this means that unless I have some other problem, I have a very real chance of a healthy pregnancy and finally getting to have a child. A smaller part of me is still mourning that I couldn't do this on my own, at the young age of 32. I have always tested okay for AMH (a little low, but not horrible) and all my other hormones are fine. I did have moderate to severe endometriosis, but I had surgery and they thought that would make conception impossible. But, donor egg has proven to me that the eggs are what was stopping us from getting good embryos in my three IVF cycles. It's hard to hear that it was me all along, but ultimately, it is good. In the end, I want a child, and I want to carry it and nurture it myself, and this miracle of donor egg is hopefully going to make that possible.
More news tomorrow when they call with a transfer time and an update on the embryos. Till then, I am just trying to enjoy my newfound happiness.
Thursday, June 13, 2013
Next stop: Atlanta!
Sometimes I take a step back and just have to laugh at the absurdity of this whole situation. Who would have ever thought I'd be packing a huge suitcase, saying goodbye to the cat and my bed, and getting in the car for a six hour drive, just to get knocked up? What most people do in the comfort of their beds (or various other locations, I guess) is requiring a road trip and week away for me.
Today: leave for Atlanta
But, on the plus side, I am super excited that I am able to get in the car. My lining check this morning left me in tears. I was SO anxious when I woke up today that I forgot to put on my watch and wedding band, and left my lunch at home. I never do any of these things. This might be the first time I've forgotten my ring in the four years I've been married. I really was nervous and distracted.
Anyway, the news is that my lining has not progressed. It's still at 7 mm. I was deeply disappointed that it has not thickened, but the doctor in Atlanta said it has not gotten smaller, so I can still proceed.
I was hoping for better news, but I know that I need to calm down and focus on the good news. We are leaving in just a few hours, and hopefully the embryos will be healthy and happy in there.
Today: leave for Atlanta
Tomorrow at 9 am: eggs are thawed and B gives his "sample"
Tomorrow at 10:30 am: I meet with my doctor for the mock transfer
Saturday: fertilization report- this is a big deal, considering we've had crappy fertilization with my own eggs, and I will be very anxious till I receive this call
Monday or Wednesday: transfer, hopefully
Wish me luck, and next time I post it will be from the ATL!
Monday, June 10, 2013
Lining Blues
This morning was my checkup at my local clinic, to make sure my uterine lining was of a sufficient thickness to encourage an embryo to want to stick around. It was 7 mm, which is slightly less than ideal. They really want to see 8 or above.
I've had thin linings in other cycles, though in my last cycle it was good. So I'm not sure how much I should be freaking out or not right now. My clinic in Atlanta wants me to go back and have it measured again on Thursday, before we leave for Atlanta. There is the possibility of delaying our cycle- and therefore our trip- if my lining has gotten thinner. The nurse seemed to indicate that if it's still at 7, that's okay (though they'd like to see it improve).
Just what I need- more stress and another $150 doctor bill. I don't even care about the money, it's the stress that bothers me more. What if this cycle gets delayed? I'd be really bummed if have to push things back. I do want to be home for my birthday and any delays will make that not happen.
This study is small, but seems to indicate it doesn't matter if the lining is under 8 mm. But commonly accepted practice is to try to get it to 8 or above.
There is plenty of junk on the internet about ways to increase it, but I don't believe them (more sex? soak feet in hot water? yeah right to both of those- I doubt they have anything to do with my endometrial lining). I'll just keep doing my estrogen patches and drink lots of water and hope and pray for good news on Thursday. Sigh. It's never easy, is it?
I've had thin linings in other cycles, though in my last cycle it was good. So I'm not sure how much I should be freaking out or not right now. My clinic in Atlanta wants me to go back and have it measured again on Thursday, before we leave for Atlanta. There is the possibility of delaying our cycle- and therefore our trip- if my lining has gotten thinner. The nurse seemed to indicate that if it's still at 7, that's okay (though they'd like to see it improve).
Just what I need- more stress and another $150 doctor bill. I don't even care about the money, it's the stress that bothers me more. What if this cycle gets delayed? I'd be really bummed if have to push things back. I do want to be home for my birthday and any delays will make that not happen.
This study is small, but seems to indicate it doesn't matter if the lining is under 8 mm. But commonly accepted practice is to try to get it to 8 or above.
There is plenty of junk on the internet about ways to increase it, but I don't believe them (more sex? soak feet in hot water? yeah right to both of those- I doubt they have anything to do with my endometrial lining). I'll just keep doing my estrogen patches and drink lots of water and hope and pray for good news on Thursday. Sigh. It's never easy, is it?
Friday, June 7, 2013
Other people's pregnancies
One week from today we will be in Atlanta, my donor's eggs will be unfrozen, and combined with my husband's sperm. If all goes well, I won't be brought back in till Wednesday, June 19th, for a five day, single embryo transfer. Then I will drive myself home the next day, and the following day is my 33rd birthday. My goal was to be done by my birthday, and sure enough, we are track for that. Of course I won't test till the week after my birthday, but at least we'll be done with the Atlanta part.
I had a pretty hard weekend after I last wrote. I recently have become good friends with a woman from my local support group. I had been close with four other women, and one by one, three of the four are all pregnant (or delivered a baby, in one case). That's been hard- I love getting their updates and am so happy for them, but sometimes I feel like a failure. I'm the only one who has gotten negative IVFs every time and am still here, infertile.
Anyway, recently I've become friendly with a new-ish member of the group. We're very different in a lot of ways, but we are the same age, and we've both been trying for a baby for 2.5 years. I encouraged her to shop around for a new clinic and she ended up switching to my clinic here. They did one IUI, negative. They did another one, and she texted me on Thursday that she had gotten a faint positive, but then a BFN the next day. She seemed upset and hopeless, and asked if we wanted to have dinner with her and her husband on Saturday night. I offered to cook, and planned a lovely meal that we could eat on the deck.
Well, Friday night she found out she is pregnant. Definitely pregnant.
I was.. deflated. Now, don't get me wrong: I am thrilled for her. She is wonderful and deserves to be a parent. I have wished nothing for the best for her. But to hear of yet another support group member's pregnancy can be hard. I wish I had my treatments work. I wish I had gotten pregnant from an IUI or an IVF and my own eggs. I wish, I wish. But, it isn't going to happen.
So, I was truly happy for her, but also sad that I'm losing yet another companion in this path of infertility, and that I feel like a failure yet again. But when I woke up Saturday, I was determined to be a gracious host to them for dinner, and to have a nice weekend before and after that.
Then, the kiss of death: Facebook.
I checked Facebook. And a high school friend of mine announced her pregnancy. In the worst, most obnoxious way: one of those ridiculous photo shoots with her and her husband and a due date and a stupid little baby bump prominently featured.
This was a friend (notice WAS) that WATCHED me do my shots one year ago, when I visited her at her home. She told me she probably didn't want kids, that she is really focused on her PhD, that both her husband and herself are "ambivalent" about children.
Why, universe? Why should someone who is ambivalent about wanting children get pregnant so easily, so quickly (I know they went on vacation in January- I assume they were not trying before then), yet I, who have longed for a baby for so many years, cannot? Life is so unfair, so deeply, deeply unfair.
As if this weren't bad enough, I looked back at my emails and we'd been writing back in April. When she was two months pregnant, by my calculations. She asked how IVF was going and I relayed that it hadn't worked and we are sad and don't know what to do next.
She said NOTHING about being pregnant.
And it's not that she should have to, but I would have really appreciated a short note or email before she posted that obnoxious, attention-hogging photo on Facebook. She KNOWS about my struggles and our pain and she couldn't even have said something, a short something? And she KNOWS about infertility, through at least me if not others, and she still thought her FB obnoxiousness was something wise to do? I have had plenty of other friends become pregnant, and I am happy for them, and when they've told me, via email usually, then it's totally fine.
What do you think, readers? Am I being way too sensitive? Should we not expect some sensitivity after disclosure to a close friend? Is this just not something people should be expected to think about? Am I crazy for being angry at her and wanting to tell her how insensitive this was?
I won't do anything. She lives far away and we don't see each other more than once or twice a year, and she's not obligated to protect my feelings or do anything, and I suspect she'd just think I was crazy if I were to say anything. Perhaps, if this cycle works, and I am coming from a more positive place, then I can say something... or perhaps not.
I had a pretty hard weekend after I last wrote. I recently have become good friends with a woman from my local support group. I had been close with four other women, and one by one, three of the four are all pregnant (or delivered a baby, in one case). That's been hard- I love getting their updates and am so happy for them, but sometimes I feel like a failure. I'm the only one who has gotten negative IVFs every time and am still here, infertile.
Anyway, recently I've become friendly with a new-ish member of the group. We're very different in a lot of ways, but we are the same age, and we've both been trying for a baby for 2.5 years. I encouraged her to shop around for a new clinic and she ended up switching to my clinic here. They did one IUI, negative. They did another one, and she texted me on Thursday that she had gotten a faint positive, but then a BFN the next day. She seemed upset and hopeless, and asked if we wanted to have dinner with her and her husband on Saturday night. I offered to cook, and planned a lovely meal that we could eat on the deck.
Well, Friday night she found out she is pregnant. Definitely pregnant.
I was.. deflated. Now, don't get me wrong: I am thrilled for her. She is wonderful and deserves to be a parent. I have wished nothing for the best for her. But to hear of yet another support group member's pregnancy can be hard. I wish I had my treatments work. I wish I had gotten pregnant from an IUI or an IVF and my own eggs. I wish, I wish. But, it isn't going to happen.
So, I was truly happy for her, but also sad that I'm losing yet another companion in this path of infertility, and that I feel like a failure yet again. But when I woke up Saturday, I was determined to be a gracious host to them for dinner, and to have a nice weekend before and after that.
Then, the kiss of death: Facebook.
I checked Facebook. And a high school friend of mine announced her pregnancy. In the worst, most obnoxious way: one of those ridiculous photo shoots with her and her husband and a due date and a stupid little baby bump prominently featured.
This was a friend (notice WAS) that WATCHED me do my shots one year ago, when I visited her at her home. She told me she probably didn't want kids, that she is really focused on her PhD, that both her husband and herself are "ambivalent" about children.
Why, universe? Why should someone who is ambivalent about wanting children get pregnant so easily, so quickly (I know they went on vacation in January- I assume they were not trying before then), yet I, who have longed for a baby for so many years, cannot? Life is so unfair, so deeply, deeply unfair.
As if this weren't bad enough, I looked back at my emails and we'd been writing back in April. When she was two months pregnant, by my calculations. She asked how IVF was going and I relayed that it hadn't worked and we are sad and don't know what to do next.
She said NOTHING about being pregnant.
And it's not that she should have to, but I would have really appreciated a short note or email before she posted that obnoxious, attention-hogging photo on Facebook. She KNOWS about my struggles and our pain and she couldn't even have said something, a short something? And she KNOWS about infertility, through at least me if not others, and she still thought her FB obnoxiousness was something wise to do? I have had plenty of other friends become pregnant, and I am happy for them, and when they've told me, via email usually, then it's totally fine.
What do you think, readers? Am I being way too sensitive? Should we not expect some sensitivity after disclosure to a close friend? Is this just not something people should be expected to think about? Am I crazy for being angry at her and wanting to tell her how insensitive this was?
I won't do anything. She lives far away and we don't see each other more than once or twice a year, and she's not obligated to protect my feelings or do anything, and I suspect she'd just think I was crazy if I were to say anything. Perhaps, if this cycle works, and I am coming from a more positive place, then I can say something... or perhaps not.
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Countdown to Atlanta!
Last night, right before bed, I finally got my period. They say it should come 1-2 weeks after starting the Lupron. Well, mine took 2 weeks and 2 days. I'm never quite on schedule when it comes to fertility.
Anyway, I was happy to see it, and happy that everything was quiet on the ultrasound this morning. My blood work also showed a low estradiol number, and I was given the go-ahead to start the estrogen patches tomorrow!
So, tomorrow is DOC 1 (day of cycle 1). I cut the Lupron in half, and start this crazy complicated pattern of adding and removing new patches. I also will take one baby aspirin a day. Two weeks from tomorrow, we drive down to Atlanta, and the egg thaw is the following morning. B gives his sample, and I meet with my doctor and do a mock transfer. Then we're free for the weekend, B flies home Sunday, and I return on either day 3 or day 5 for transfer. I can drive back home the next morning. In between all this, I'll be staying with a good friend from grad school, and we might take a little trip over the weekend before I'm needed.
This is getting really real. and it's freaking me out. I'm really going into a procedure that comes with a 60% success rate (85% after two tries). I've never faced odds this good. I'm not sure how to deal with it. I have been pretty good at not dwelling on things these past few weeks, and I still have two weeks to go, but I'm letting myself fall back into the old place of Hope again. I catch myself imagining due dates, and testing out what it would feel like to have an actual baby. Considering that one day soon I could have good news for once, and in less than a year I could have a baby sleeping in the room above my head. It's exciting and terrifying, and I think I should probably quit it. I should try not to think about it, and try to protect my heart and head a little bit more.
And yet. This is SO EXCITING. I don't even know how the next two weeks are going to be, but they just can't go fast enough.
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Update: doctor appointment tomorrow
Good news! I have a 9 am appointment tomorrow morning at my clinic here in town. They'll do an ultrasound and blood work to check for suppression, and if all is well, I can start the estrogen patches on Thursday and count that as cycle day 1. We'll go to Atlanta on cycle day 15.
Crossing my fingers for good news tomorrow.
Monday, May 27, 2013
My body can't even do this right
Yes, I know that title is totally negative and whiny.
But that's how I feel. One interesting thing about having my blog go from totally secret to being found by at least one friend, shared with a couple of others, and read by other bloggers is that I sometimes feel pressured to write meaningful entries. I used to feel more comfortable just complaining, especially when I had nothing otherwise to say.
Today is one of those days: I have no news. I just feel like whining. This is why: I've completed the whole two weeks of Lupron, and I have not gotten my period. This new clinic made me uncomfortable when they told me to start the shots on day 21 of my cycle, when every other time I've done Lupron my other clinic has asked me to come in for progesterone tests to be sure I'd already ovulated. When I searched online, I found other women saying their clinics also require the blood test first. But, when I asked my nurse, she brushed it off and said just to tell her when I get my period.
Um. No period. Everything I found online, and my nurse, all say you should get it within 1-2 weeks of starting Lupron. It's been two weeks. Nothing. Because, duh, I didn't ovulate. So either I won't get my period till day 40 something (today is day 34) or... what if I don't get it all? Because if I didn't ovulate, I'm confused as to why or how my body would know to shed the uterine lining, and get a period.
My biggest, nagging fear is that this will screw everything up, and I'll have to start all over again. And I KNEW, I KNEW this protocol didn't sound right, but it's a new clinic and a new nurse, and I didn't push it. This clinic has high success rates, and they do this all the time, and I figure that many women have more than a 35 day cycle... right? Right? Did I do something wrong by not being more forceful (annoying) and demanding the blood test before I started the shots? Is everything screwed up now? Will this cycle be cancelled, or really delayed?
I am really feeling bad about this. It sucks that sometimes it feels that everyone else gets pregnant with little to no trouble, but if not, there is Clomid. Or IUI. Or IVF. Or hell, IVF three freaking times. Even amongst fertility challenged folks, most of my friends were successful with IVF #1. And here I am, having failed at everything, and now I can't even have a donor egg cycle go smoothly.
Sigh. Well, I emailed the nurse tonight, and I assume tomorrow morning I will hear a response. Maybe it will be fine. Cause you know, everything else has gone so swimmingly when it comes to my fertility.
(Told you this post would be all just complaining!)
But that's how I feel. One interesting thing about having my blog go from totally secret to being found by at least one friend, shared with a couple of others, and read by other bloggers is that I sometimes feel pressured to write meaningful entries. I used to feel more comfortable just complaining, especially when I had nothing otherwise to say.
Today is one of those days: I have no news. I just feel like whining. This is why: I've completed the whole two weeks of Lupron, and I have not gotten my period. This new clinic made me uncomfortable when they told me to start the shots on day 21 of my cycle, when every other time I've done Lupron my other clinic has asked me to come in for progesterone tests to be sure I'd already ovulated. When I searched online, I found other women saying their clinics also require the blood test first. But, when I asked my nurse, she brushed it off and said just to tell her when I get my period.
Um. No period. Everything I found online, and my nurse, all say you should get it within 1-2 weeks of starting Lupron. It's been two weeks. Nothing. Because, duh, I didn't ovulate. So either I won't get my period till day 40 something (today is day 34) or... what if I don't get it all? Because if I didn't ovulate, I'm confused as to why or how my body would know to shed the uterine lining, and get a period.
My biggest, nagging fear is that this will screw everything up, and I'll have to start all over again. And I KNEW, I KNEW this protocol didn't sound right, but it's a new clinic and a new nurse, and I didn't push it. This clinic has high success rates, and they do this all the time, and I figure that many women have more than a 35 day cycle... right? Right? Did I do something wrong by not being more forceful (annoying) and demanding the blood test before I started the shots? Is everything screwed up now? Will this cycle be cancelled, or really delayed?
I am really feeling bad about this. It sucks that sometimes it feels that everyone else gets pregnant with little to no trouble, but if not, there is Clomid. Or IUI. Or IVF. Or hell, IVF three freaking times. Even amongst fertility challenged folks, most of my friends were successful with IVF #1. And here I am, having failed at everything, and now I can't even have a donor egg cycle go smoothly.
Sigh. Well, I emailed the nurse tonight, and I assume tomorrow morning I will hear a response. Maybe it will be fine. Cause you know, everything else has gone so swimmingly when it comes to my fertility.
(Told you this post would be all just complaining!)
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Lupron: Day 1 (CD 21)
This morning, at 8:15 am, I opened a vial of Lupron, grabbed a diabetic needle, and poked it into my belly. And so it begins.
This is the third time I have been on Lupron. I was on it in March 2012 for the cycle of IVF that I never got to do (had surgery for my endometriosis instead), June 2012 (IVF cycle #1), and September 2012 (IVF cycle #2). For IVF cycle #3, we didn't use Lupron. This time, I'm using it to suppress my menstrual cycle in preparation for a donor egg cycle. Hopefully the one and only cycle I'll need to do to finally have a baby.
Lupron is a small needle, and painless. Whereas I had B do my big shots for IVF, this one I prefer to do myself. Pop my breakfast into the toaster, pop a needle in my tummy. What a way to start the day.
In actuality, I'm happy to be doing this. It means I'm beginning my donor egg cycle and moving ever closer to transfer and perhaps a pregnancy. It's only been two months since I failed my third IVF so in many ways I am moving very quickly, but time also seems to be dragging. It's still 4-5 weeks till I will go down to Atlanta, and another 2 weeks till I will get results. One of the many unfair things about using ART to get pregnant is that normal women have 12 chances a year to try. With IVF and other ART, everything takes so long. I mean, I haven't had a chance to have a positive since early March, and it will be late June before I have another, assuming this cycle goes okay. Using assistance just takes forever, and patience has never been my strong suite.
BTW, I spoke with my doctor on Friday and he agreed that it's not necessary for me to get the scratch biopsy. Since I haven't had implantation failures before (just crappy embryos), I'm not really the population that has been studied and seen an improvement in. So, I'll reconsider if this cycle fails, but for now, that is one less thing to stress about.
This is the third time I have been on Lupron. I was on it in March 2012 for the cycle of IVF that I never got to do (had surgery for my endometriosis instead), June 2012 (IVF cycle #1), and September 2012 (IVF cycle #2). For IVF cycle #3, we didn't use Lupron. This time, I'm using it to suppress my menstrual cycle in preparation for a donor egg cycle. Hopefully the one and only cycle I'll need to do to finally have a baby.
Lupron is a small needle, and painless. Whereas I had B do my big shots for IVF, this one I prefer to do myself. Pop my breakfast into the toaster, pop a needle in my tummy. What a way to start the day.
In actuality, I'm happy to be doing this. It means I'm beginning my donor egg cycle and moving ever closer to transfer and perhaps a pregnancy. It's only been two months since I failed my third IVF so in many ways I am moving very quickly, but time also seems to be dragging. It's still 4-5 weeks till I will go down to Atlanta, and another 2 weeks till I will get results. One of the many unfair things about using ART to get pregnant is that normal women have 12 chances a year to try. With IVF and other ART, everything takes so long. I mean, I haven't had a chance to have a positive since early March, and it will be late June before I have another, assuming this cycle goes okay. Using assistance just takes forever, and patience has never been my strong suite.
BTW, I spoke with my doctor on Friday and he agreed that it's not necessary for me to get the scratch biopsy. Since I haven't had implantation failures before (just crappy embryos), I'm not really the population that has been studied and seen an improvement in. So, I'll reconsider if this cycle fails, but for now, that is one less thing to stress about.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Protocol, Schedule, and Scary Medical Procedure Doubts
I'm happy to report that we spoke with the genetic counselor yesterday, and she said there is no real concern about the donor's abnormal gene variant. B has already had one test that shows he does not have the same abnormal gene variant, and we're getting him tested again to be sure, but since the chances are near zero, we're moving ahead as planned.
On Tuesday, I start Lupron shots in the morning. Lupron is a drug that prevents ovulation. It basically shuts down the reproductive cycle. The first time I was on it, I became very irritable, tired, and had hot flashes. I did not experience these so much the second time, so I think it can vary (and who's to say what is stress-induced and/or psychosomatic, and what is real?).
I stay on Lupron for two weeks or until I get my period, and then I let the nurse know. If it doesn't come in 14 days (which it might not, with my wacky long cycles), then I'll need bloodwork and an ultrasound to make sure I am suppressed.
Once I've gotten my period, I will start the Vivelle estrogen patches. I'll stay on the Lupron, but at a half dose. I'll start taking baby aspirin. I'll continue these three medications for 14 days, and I'll have an ultrasound to check my lining.
On day 15, I'll start doxycycline pills, to reduce any chance of infections, and Medrol pills, a steroid which is supposed to help prevent the body from rejecting the embryo. We'll travel to Atlanta this day.
On day 16, B will give his sperm and also the eggs are thawed, and the fertilization magic will hopefully happen. I'll start Crinone, which is progesterone. I'll continue the other medications. He goes home and I just hang out in Atlanta.
On day 19 or 21, I'll have the transfer! Then we hope and pray that the embryo decides to stick around.
One thing that I am currently agonizing over is whether or not to do a scratch biopsy, or endometrial biopsy. This is something the doctor recommends but does not require, and which I am absolutely terrified of having done. I had really bad experiences with both the HSG and the saline hydrosonogram, almost passing out both times from the pain. Not everyone has pain this extreme, but many women do, judging from my conversations with other patients and from some online forums (of course not from the doctors and nurses- they say, oh just take an Advil, you'll have some slight discomfort- LIARS). The reason it is recommended is because studies (like this one) have shown it to increase implantation rates among women with previous implantation failure. However, an important caveat is that there is only evidence to show this is significant in women WITH previous implantation failure. Although I have had 3 IVFs, I have never put a good quality embryo in. So, I would not characterize myself as a previous implantation failure case. Why go through a painful procedure (and not cheap, I'm sure) when we don't know that I have any problem with implantation at all? On the other hand, going down to Atlanta is not a casual thing, and if this could help, I would do it. Sigh. I'm just not sure, but the doctor is calling me today or tomorrow to talk about it.
I wish I could just be happy, but there's always something new to agonize over. On the whole, this just seems really unfair. Other people have sex- yes! they really do just get pregnant from SEX- and ta-dah, they make a baby. I have to pay tens of thousands of dollars and maybe undergo ANOTHER super painful procedure??? Life is so unfair sometimes.
On Tuesday, I start Lupron shots in the morning. Lupron is a drug that prevents ovulation. It basically shuts down the reproductive cycle. The first time I was on it, I became very irritable, tired, and had hot flashes. I did not experience these so much the second time, so I think it can vary (and who's to say what is stress-induced and/or psychosomatic, and what is real?).
I stay on Lupron for two weeks or until I get my period, and then I let the nurse know. If it doesn't come in 14 days (which it might not, with my wacky long cycles), then I'll need bloodwork and an ultrasound to make sure I am suppressed.
Once I've gotten my period, I will start the Vivelle estrogen patches. I'll stay on the Lupron, but at a half dose. I'll start taking baby aspirin. I'll continue these three medications for 14 days, and I'll have an ultrasound to check my lining.
On day 15, I'll start doxycycline pills, to reduce any chance of infections, and Medrol pills, a steroid which is supposed to help prevent the body from rejecting the embryo. We'll travel to Atlanta this day.
On day 16, B will give his sperm and also the eggs are thawed, and the fertilization magic will hopefully happen. I'll start Crinone, which is progesterone. I'll continue the other medications. He goes home and I just hang out in Atlanta.
On day 19 or 21, I'll have the transfer! Then we hope and pray that the embryo decides to stick around.
One thing that I am currently agonizing over is whether or not to do a scratch biopsy, or endometrial biopsy. This is something the doctor recommends but does not require, and which I am absolutely terrified of having done. I had really bad experiences with both the HSG and the saline hydrosonogram, almost passing out both times from the pain. Not everyone has pain this extreme, but many women do, judging from my conversations with other patients and from some online forums (of course not from the doctors and nurses- they say, oh just take an Advil, you'll have some slight discomfort- LIARS). The reason it is recommended is because studies (like this one) have shown it to increase implantation rates among women with previous implantation failure. However, an important caveat is that there is only evidence to show this is significant in women WITH previous implantation failure. Although I have had 3 IVFs, I have never put a good quality embryo in. So, I would not characterize myself as a previous implantation failure case. Why go through a painful procedure (and not cheap, I'm sure) when we don't know that I have any problem with implantation at all? On the other hand, going down to Atlanta is not a casual thing, and if this could help, I would do it. Sigh. I'm just not sure, but the doctor is calling me today or tomorrow to talk about it.
I wish I could just be happy, but there's always something new to agonize over. On the whole, this just seems really unfair. Other people have sex- yes! they really do just get pregnant from SEX- and ta-dah, they make a baby. I have to pay tens of thousands of dollars and maybe undergo ANOTHER super painful procedure??? Life is so unfair sometimes.
Monday, May 6, 2013
And... We Have a Winner!
Well, it's official: we have a donor!
I submitted my top two choices on Saturday, and this morning I heard back that donor #2 is no longer available, but donor #1 is! So we sent back the official acknowledgement letter and she is ours! Ha ha. I guess I should say, 6 or 8 of her frozen eggs are soon to be ours.
I feel really, really happy. I know we have no guarantee of success, but I really like our choice of donor, and I feel really good about everything so far. Right now we're just waiting to see if B needs to be re-tested for a genetic chromosome thing that she might be a carrier for (he's already tested negative but they may want a more official test done, whatever). I'm hoping I can begin Lupron on cycle day 21 (next week) and go down to Atlanta in early to mid June.
This is all happening really fast. But it feels right.
I submitted my top two choices on Saturday, and this morning I heard back that donor #2 is no longer available, but donor #1 is! So we sent back the official acknowledgement letter and she is ours! Ha ha. I guess I should say, 6 or 8 of her frozen eggs are soon to be ours.
I feel really, really happy. I know we have no guarantee of success, but I really like our choice of donor, and I feel really good about everything so far. Right now we're just waiting to see if B needs to be re-tested for a genetic chromosome thing that she might be a carrier for (he's already tested negative but they may want a more official test done, whatever). I'm hoping I can begin Lupron on cycle day 21 (next week) and go down to Atlanta in early to mid June.
This is all happening really fast. But it feels right.
Sunday, May 5, 2013
The beauty of this
I don't really want to post any more specifics about the donors I have selected, but I wanted to share a different donor's responses to the three questions I looked most carefully at in their profiles. This donor is not the one for us for other reasons, but her responses to the questions are worth sharing. To me, they point to the pure beauty of the gift of egg donation.
What is/are your reasons for wanting to donate eggs?
I have 3 beautiful incredibaly healthy children, my sister in-law can't conceive and seeing the pain of that has made me want to
be able to give the gift of pregnancy to a deserving family
If you could pass on a message to the recipient(s) of your eggs, what would that message be?
I can't imagine the hurt that you must have had to go through up till this point. I hope you soon learn the joys of a baby growing
inside you. I want to give you that gift. This egg is not mine, it is yours, I want you to consider it that was well!
If you could write a message to the child born through your participation as an egg donor for when he/she turns 18 years old, what
would you tell him/her?
A mother is the person that holds you when you cry, rocks you as a baby, and loves you unconditionally. Genetics do not
"make" you, the only make your existence possible. I gave my genetics to a family that wanted to help a baby grow
Selecting a donor (warning: very long post)
On Friday afternoon, I finally received access to the donor database. I'd been anxiously awaiting this moment, yet once I received the log-in code, I froze. This suddenly felt very serious. And then when I did log in, the rows and rows of childhood photos made me freeze up again. These are actual women, and I was really about to choose one to be the genetic building blocks of my future son or daughter. This is one of those decisions that I will carry the rest of my life, as will my children. I have rarely ever had such a surreal moment in my life.
But my curiosity won out, and eventually I started to look and to read. I suppose I could have delayed it till I could get home and sit down with my husband, but I just couldn't wait. Also, throughout all of this fertility stuff, it's been me driving the process. Although he is 100% on board and wants a child as much as I do, he leaves the major decisions up to me. So I planned to narrow it down to a few choices, and then get his input, rather than just presenting him with a log-in and password (more on this later- it didn't really work out this way in the end, as he did want to scroll through them on his own too).
We'd already talked a bit about our selection criteria. We definitely wanted some physical resemblance. I have dark brown hair and dark brown eyes, but everyone on my mom's side of the family has green or blue eyes. Although I like my eye color, I always wanted green as a child, and B also happens to have green. So as long as we get to pick what we can have in a child (or at least try to- genetics are a funny and not totally predictable thing), we thought it'd be nice to have a dark haired, green eyed kid. A little bit of each of us. For other physical characteristics, I'd like someone with a medium to darker skin tone, like me, and someone at least roughly height-weight proportional. As in, no blondes who are 6 feet tall. More like a 5'3"-5'6" tall person, with medium skin, dark hair, green or brown eyes, somewhere around my weight of 130 pounds.
Beyond the physical, we obviously want someone healthy, with a good family medical history. But this is not too much of an issue, since the egg bank screens their donors so carefully. However, I have been closely touched by a relative (non-blood related) and close friends with serious mental illness, and B's mom has a history of manic-depression and attempted suicide. I also am bothered by my own mild OCD habits (that my father has as well) that I don't want to get into here except to say that I hate them and life would be simpler without, and so I'd rather avoid any history of OCD or anxiety disorders. So of all health conditions, I most want to avoid any mental health issues, especially since there is some on the paternal grandmother side already.
Okay, so that's the physical and health aspects. What else? Well, frankly I don't care that much about what the donor likes to do in her spare time, or her favorite color or food (yes, they really list those). We did want to see some intelligence or ambition, and some family history of education and success. However, this is an area in which I am pretty torn. I do not believe intelligence or ambition is passed on through genes. I think there is some level of inheritance of problems, and some larger aspect of it is affected by the prenatal environment, and there might be some potential aptitude that is in there. We know that drinking and substance use can affect a child in negative ways. Age of the mother's eggs can play a role in certain problems (some of which can be screened for, such as Down's). But test scores and GPA in high school or college? I just think this is probably way more a reflection of the family values and the environment. I cannot imagine that the two of us wouldn't raise a child who loves to read and learn. So I don't put too much stock in this part of the donor profile, though I did look. I looked at overall family achievements and careers, but I didn't make it a big deal.
What I paid more attention to is the free-text responses each donor filled out. First off, many of the profiles in the database did not include very detailed information. These seemed to be the older profiles, though I am not sure what year they switched from the brief profiles to the very in-depth ones for recent additions. The older profiles have really basic info: age, education, what is your life ambition? There is family history, but not very detailed. So although some of these donors had appealing photos (and one even had my religious background which would be great), I decided to discount these immediately. I just want to know more. I want an anonymous donor but I want more info rather than less. Partially for me, and partially because I want to be able to tell a little bit to my future child if they want to know. I personally feel like having some information is a gift I can give my son or daughter. When my child is old enough, I want to share the profile if they care to see it. I especially want them to be able to read the answers to:
So, this is one way I immediately narrowed down the profiles. Other ways: I initially limited it to green eyed donors. Of the seven currently available, a few had older profiles so I didn't look at those. A couple were really, really blond. Nope, not a good match. Hmm. Then, as I kept scrolling down the list, the last picture caught my eye. It looked a lot like my own childhood photos, actually: a little girl with shiny dark hair in a ponytail, and a similar face shape to mine. I quickly read her profile and discovered she doesn't identify as strictly Caucasian, but as mixed (she has Native American and Hispanic mixed with Irish heritage). This appealed to me, as B and I both speak Spanish and have spent time in the country which her grandmother comes from, and I'm often taken for Latina, especially when I was younger. As I read her profile, I was not turned off the way I had been for several of the others I had already read. She has an excellent family health history, she is young, but she has some fun quirks about her and seems to just be a really happy person. She also happens to have won beauty contests as a child, which is silly, but kinda nice. She does not test well or do very well in school, but not terrible either, and she is in college. Her family is not particularly educated, but she has a strong passion for something else, which helps mitigate the grades/test scores. And I liked her simple but sincere answers to the three questions above.
I wrote down her donor number as a definite possibility, and then I looked at blue eyed donors. Too many of them were blonde, or just didn't appeal to me in their profiles. Again, I was looking for something about them to catch my eye, especially in the answers to the three questions I listed above. Some sort of passion or dedication to something in their lives, and a maturity about why their were donating their genetic material to another woman or family.
So, next I started on the much longer list of brown eyed donors and hazel eyed donors. One photo really jumped out at me in the hazel list. I read more about her, and was immediately drawn in. Although she does not have the green eyes I initially wanted, and is 8 years older than the first donor, she seemed like a really cool person in her profile. Very mature, and very interesting. She has a 4 year college degree, a good job, and wants to get a master's. Her family has education and advanced degrees. She does not plan to have children of her own, as she recently married a man who already has some. She has similar interests as us, and I liked the answers to the three questions. A few drawbacks, though: her older age than donor #1 (which doubles the risks of certain things such as Down's), one of her brothers does have an anxiety/panic disorder, she doesn't have my ideal eye color, and she doesn't look nearly as much like me as donor #1. But, as a person, I think I liked her a bit more.
I jotted down a few other profile numbers, and later, at home, B and I sat down together with the database. I showed him these two donors and he thought they were both totally adorable in their photos (which they both really, really are). He agreed me with me about the relative positives and negatives of each. He also wanted to look for himself, and he scrolled through for a bit, and we read several more profiles together. No one really could compete with our two favorites, though.
On the whole, I am slightly leaning towards donor #1, and he is slightly favoring donor #2. We went out with friends shortly after this (whom I am not telling yet or maybe at all), and my mind kept coming back to our donors. The next morning, yesterday, I thought more and more on it, and then read an internet friend's blog where she mentions that donors can be claimed really quickly. I decided that we really like both of our options, and after discussing it with B, we went ahead and submitted them using the online form, with #1 being our top choice. The next step is that sometime on Monday the egg bank will contact me to confirm whether our donors are indeed still available (not having been nabbed by someone else already- please no!), and we send back the signed forms if one of them is still available and we are still interested. We also have a required consult with a genetic counselor scheduled for Wednesday, though I may try to bump it up to Tuesday (there is one issue with donor #1, but luckily B is not a carrier so it should not be a problem but we want to talk about it just in case he should be re-tested).
So, about 24 hours after getting access, we picked our top two donors! It all does seem fast, and I have questioned whether we should slow down. B feels strongly that there is no reason to. We have been struggling with infertility for two and a half years, watching our friends get pregnant one after another, and feeling that it will never be us. Donor egg changes this completely. We're ready. We like the two donors, and I would feel comfortable with either one. I have grieved not having my own genetic child, but for me, the most important thing is to have a child. We're ready, and I feel good about our choice. This is the most peace I have felt in a long time.
But my curiosity won out, and eventually I started to look and to read. I suppose I could have delayed it till I could get home and sit down with my husband, but I just couldn't wait. Also, throughout all of this fertility stuff, it's been me driving the process. Although he is 100% on board and wants a child as much as I do, he leaves the major decisions up to me. So I planned to narrow it down to a few choices, and then get his input, rather than just presenting him with a log-in and password (more on this later- it didn't really work out this way in the end, as he did want to scroll through them on his own too).
We'd already talked a bit about our selection criteria. We definitely wanted some physical resemblance. I have dark brown hair and dark brown eyes, but everyone on my mom's side of the family has green or blue eyes. Although I like my eye color, I always wanted green as a child, and B also happens to have green. So as long as we get to pick what we can have in a child (or at least try to- genetics are a funny and not totally predictable thing), we thought it'd be nice to have a dark haired, green eyed kid. A little bit of each of us. For other physical characteristics, I'd like someone with a medium to darker skin tone, like me, and someone at least roughly height-weight proportional. As in, no blondes who are 6 feet tall. More like a 5'3"-5'6" tall person, with medium skin, dark hair, green or brown eyes, somewhere around my weight of 130 pounds.
Beyond the physical, we obviously want someone healthy, with a good family medical history. But this is not too much of an issue, since the egg bank screens their donors so carefully. However, I have been closely touched by a relative (non-blood related) and close friends with serious mental illness, and B's mom has a history of manic-depression and attempted suicide. I also am bothered by my own mild OCD habits (that my father has as well) that I don't want to get into here except to say that I hate them and life would be simpler without, and so I'd rather avoid any history of OCD or anxiety disorders. So of all health conditions, I most want to avoid any mental health issues, especially since there is some on the paternal grandmother side already.
Okay, so that's the physical and health aspects. What else? Well, frankly I don't care that much about what the donor likes to do in her spare time, or her favorite color or food (yes, they really list those). We did want to see some intelligence or ambition, and some family history of education and success. However, this is an area in which I am pretty torn. I do not believe intelligence or ambition is passed on through genes. I think there is some level of inheritance of problems, and some larger aspect of it is affected by the prenatal environment, and there might be some potential aptitude that is in there. We know that drinking and substance use can affect a child in negative ways. Age of the mother's eggs can play a role in certain problems (some of which can be screened for, such as Down's). But test scores and GPA in high school or college? I just think this is probably way more a reflection of the family values and the environment. I cannot imagine that the two of us wouldn't raise a child who loves to read and learn. So I don't put too much stock in this part of the donor profile, though I did look. I looked at overall family achievements and careers, but I didn't make it a big deal.
What I paid more attention to is the free-text responses each donor filled out. First off, many of the profiles in the database did not include very detailed information. These seemed to be the older profiles, though I am not sure what year they switched from the brief profiles to the very in-depth ones for recent additions. The older profiles have really basic info: age, education, what is your life ambition? There is family history, but not very detailed. So although some of these donors had appealing photos (and one even had my religious background which would be great), I decided to discount these immediately. I just want to know more. I want an anonymous donor but I want more info rather than less. Partially for me, and partially because I want to be able to tell a little bit to my future child if they want to know. I personally feel like having some information is a gift I can give my son or daughter. When my child is old enough, I want to share the profile if they care to see it. I especially want them to be able to read the answers to:
- What is/are your reasons for wanting to donate eggs?
- If you could pass on a message to the recipient(s) of your eggs, what would that message be?
- If you could write a message to the child born through your participation as an egg donor for when he/she turns 18 years old, what would you tell him/her?
So, this is one way I immediately narrowed down the profiles. Other ways: I initially limited it to green eyed donors. Of the seven currently available, a few had older profiles so I didn't look at those. A couple were really, really blond. Nope, not a good match. Hmm. Then, as I kept scrolling down the list, the last picture caught my eye. It looked a lot like my own childhood photos, actually: a little girl with shiny dark hair in a ponytail, and a similar face shape to mine. I quickly read her profile and discovered she doesn't identify as strictly Caucasian, but as mixed (she has Native American and Hispanic mixed with Irish heritage). This appealed to me, as B and I both speak Spanish and have spent time in the country which her grandmother comes from, and I'm often taken for Latina, especially when I was younger. As I read her profile, I was not turned off the way I had been for several of the others I had already read. She has an excellent family health history, she is young, but she has some fun quirks about her and seems to just be a really happy person. She also happens to have won beauty contests as a child, which is silly, but kinda nice. She does not test well or do very well in school, but not terrible either, and she is in college. Her family is not particularly educated, but she has a strong passion for something else, which helps mitigate the grades/test scores. And I liked her simple but sincere answers to the three questions above.
I wrote down her donor number as a definite possibility, and then I looked at blue eyed donors. Too many of them were blonde, or just didn't appeal to me in their profiles. Again, I was looking for something about them to catch my eye, especially in the answers to the three questions I listed above. Some sort of passion or dedication to something in their lives, and a maturity about why their were donating their genetic material to another woman or family.
So, next I started on the much longer list of brown eyed donors and hazel eyed donors. One photo really jumped out at me in the hazel list. I read more about her, and was immediately drawn in. Although she does not have the green eyes I initially wanted, and is 8 years older than the first donor, she seemed like a really cool person in her profile. Very mature, and very interesting. She has a 4 year college degree, a good job, and wants to get a master's. Her family has education and advanced degrees. She does not plan to have children of her own, as she recently married a man who already has some. She has similar interests as us, and I liked the answers to the three questions. A few drawbacks, though: her older age than donor #1 (which doubles the risks of certain things such as Down's), one of her brothers does have an anxiety/panic disorder, she doesn't have my ideal eye color, and she doesn't look nearly as much like me as donor #1. But, as a person, I think I liked her a bit more.
I jotted down a few other profile numbers, and later, at home, B and I sat down together with the database. I showed him these two donors and he thought they were both totally adorable in their photos (which they both really, really are). He agreed me with me about the relative positives and negatives of each. He also wanted to look for himself, and he scrolled through for a bit, and we read several more profiles together. No one really could compete with our two favorites, though.
On the whole, I am slightly leaning towards donor #1, and he is slightly favoring donor #2. We went out with friends shortly after this (whom I am not telling yet or maybe at all), and my mind kept coming back to our donors. The next morning, yesterday, I thought more and more on it, and then read an internet friend's blog where she mentions that donors can be claimed really quickly. I decided that we really like both of our options, and after discussing it with B, we went ahead and submitted them using the online form, with #1 being our top choice. The next step is that sometime on Monday the egg bank will contact me to confirm whether our donors are indeed still available (not having been nabbed by someone else already- please no!), and we send back the signed forms if one of them is still available and we are still interested. We also have a required consult with a genetic counselor scheduled for Wednesday, though I may try to bump it up to Tuesday (there is one issue with donor #1, but luckily B is not a carrier so it should not be a problem but we want to talk about it just in case he should be re-tested).
So, about 24 hours after getting access, we picked our top two donors! It all does seem fast, and I have questioned whether we should slow down. B feels strongly that there is no reason to. We have been struggling with infertility for two and a half years, watching our friends get pregnant one after another, and feeling that it will never be us. Donor egg changes this completely. We're ready. We like the two donors, and I would feel comfortable with either one. I have grieved not having my own genetic child, but for me, the most important thing is to have a child. We're ready, and I feel good about our choice. This is the most peace I have felt in a long time.
Friday, May 3, 2013
And the search begins
This afternoon I received access to the donor database.
It's hard to describe how I am feeling. I have been so anxious all week, and now it's really happening. I immediately logged in to the database.. and then stopped. I couldn't bring myself to actually do anything.
When you log in, there are rows of photos along the left hand side, and donor stats on the right (height, weight, hair/eye color, ethnicity). Then there are links to genetic analysis and a long document with important questions (health info) and not so important questions (what is your favorite food?). At the end, there is a question where they ask the donor what she would tell her recipient, and the child. That part choked me up, and I haven't been able to continue reading them quite yet. The handful that I looked at had sweet, touching, meaningful messages.
I will continue reading them, and I will report back. But for now, it's all just too much. I am so lucky that this is an option, and so thankful that these women have donated their eggs and their genetic material.
More info soon, but for now, I am just have to think about all of this and how to begin.
It's hard to describe how I am feeling. I have been so anxious all week, and now it's really happening. I immediately logged in to the database.. and then stopped. I couldn't bring myself to actually do anything.
When you log in, there are rows of photos along the left hand side, and donor stats on the right (height, weight, hair/eye color, ethnicity). Then there are links to genetic analysis and a long document with important questions (health info) and not so important questions (what is your favorite food?). At the end, there is a question where they ask the donor what she would tell her recipient, and the child. That part choked me up, and I haven't been able to continue reading them quite yet. The handful that I looked at had sweet, touching, meaningful messages.
I will continue reading them, and I will report back. But for now, it's all just too much. I am so lucky that this is an option, and so thankful that these women have donated their eggs and their genetic material.
More info soon, but for now, I am just have to think about all of this and how to begin.
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