Many Months Later: An Update from our Single Child World

Well, it's been nearly four months. I have been meaning to post an update here for a long time, but first I felt too miserable to recount it all, and then I got very busy at work for the last two months.

But. Here I am. And in a very different place than last time I wrote.

Right after July 4th, I went back for another lining check, and my cycle was canceled. Ended. Done. The weird thing is, I never actually spoke my doctor in Atlanta. But in previous phone conversations and by email, he confirmed that there is something going on in my uterus (more endo, or scarring from my c-section) that is preventing a lining from growing, and the next steps are to consider a surrogate, or get the hysteroscopy and see if it's something that can be addressed or not. I still feel I don't 100% understand all this. I also feel there were inconsistencies in my lining readings, and miscommunication between the local clinic and the doctor in Atlanta.

In any case, my husband had already made it known that he's done. Absolutely done. Sadly, he didn't even call me or return my desperate calls or texts that morning of the final appointment. Not for about an hour and a half. That's a horribly long time for me to not have had that support. He was out of town, visiting his parents, with our toddler, and I was alone.

Me? I don't know. I have not been doing too well over the past three months. I was bad, then got some therapy and went back on the birth control pill (because I have endometriosis, and also I don't want the "what ifs" nagging at me) and then seemed to be doing better. But then a few things happened: I stopped individual therapy because my husband and I were fighting like crazy so we started couples therapy, and I simply didn't have time for both. I believe we hit such a rough patch because of his lack of empathy and support. To be fair, he's never been as emotional as I am. When I was struggling for 2.5 years to get pregnant with my son, I leaned heavily on my support group friends. This time, I don't have that support. I know they are out there, but I don't seem to know anyone in real life who is my boat- wants a second, but can't. Also, getting back to my husband, he says he's thought for years that a second child might not work, because we had so much trouble getting to #1. I was.. more optimistic. And he was more realistic, as it turns out. So I don't think he faced the crushing surprise and disappointment that I felt. He had always said he wanted a second if it was just the case of a few transfers, but my cycles had turned out to be immensely stressful, expensive, and chaotic.

So, his lack of empathy and wanting me to get over it faster than I could have been so hard. My lack of support from people in a similar place is a big contrast from previous infertility treatment cycles. Then, my best mom friend got pregnant really, really easily, and was incredibly insensitive in complaining and talking about it ad nauseam. We haven't spoken in over a month, haven't hung out since August, and I've been taking it really hard. Although we had differences- she seems to view being pregnant as some big accomplishment, like it's her major contribution to society- we were also good friends, our kids got along, and we hung out 1-3 times a week. So I am very lonely on top of everything else.

Writing all this out is actually making me feel kind of ill, so I'm going to wrap it up. I've been spiraling downwards for awhile, but now I am making some positive changes. Just last night I started a low dose of anti-depressants/anti-anxiety medication (the big Z), and today I feel sick, drunk, and unhappy. But I have heard that if I stick with it, it will be worth it. I've been trying to keep exercising 1-2 times a week, I've been reaching out to other friends who are empathetic and kind people, and I've ended our couples therapy because I felt it was doing more harm than good. Right now, if our relationship is going to work, first I need to pull myself out of this unhappiness.

I still wish it had ended differently. I wanted, I dreamed of another child. But from a practical viewpoint, there are huge benefits to having one. We're more financially secure than we've ever been, now that we're not doing endless treatment cycles and worrying about another daycare payment. We've decided to take two nice vacations a year, starting with Alaska this June and maybe Costa Rica or Mexico this January or February. We can do these things, logistically and financially, with one child. We both get plenty of precious reading and solitary time, since we can trade off with childcare on weekends and give each other breaks. Our son is now at the age where he is not so needy, he can play with the neighbors or by himself, but he's also super fun to do interesting things with. We have real conversations and adventures, and my attention doesn't have to be divided or diverted by a baby.

Probably no one is even reading this anymore, and sorry to not have a happy ending, but I hope and pray that someday I will feel like this had a happy conclusion- at least, that I made the right choice in stopping the endless sinkhole of fertility treatment, and that I can have a happy, satisfying life with my One and Only child, who has taught me a kind of love that I am amazed by every single day. Here's to a healthier outlook, this medication helps me quit obsessing over what could have been, and my marriage recovers this rocky stage.

More later, perhaps.

11 Week Update

Today is my son's 11 week birthday. I'm sitting in his room, which I used to never go into. It was a dreaded empty room, waiting for years to have a baby for it. But now it might be my favorite room in the house. We've fixed it up cute, and though he doesn't sleep in here yet, I spend plenty of time changing him, dressing him, and rocking him in here. Right now he's happily gurgling away in the swing next to me.

After the heavy last entry, I thought I should give an update. To summarize: life is pretty good. It was a dark, dark time for many weeks there. As I wrote last time, his birth went differently than expected, and we struggled with major feeding issues. At around six weeks, I made the hardest- and best- decision of our brief acquaintance. I quit pumping. I quit breastfeeding. It just wasn't working, and I was becoming non-responsive to the pump. I dreaded every pumping session, because sometimes he would cry, and once I was hooked up, there wasn't much I could do. I'd pray he wouldn't cry, and if he did, I'd have to jiggle him on my lap, trying desperately to get enough milk for his next meal. At night, we were forcing him to get up on the pumping schedule, not letting him wake naturally for meals. I was barely sleeping more than 2.5 hours at a clip. I was exhausted, and still mostly having to use formula anyway. This arrangement was making me a really unhappy mama.

So, I quit. It took almost three weeks to wean from the pump, because my breasts are really... responsive? I don't know. I just am really prone to clogged ducts and so I had to take it nice and slow. But life is SO MUCH BETTER NOW.

In a way, I think breast pumps are a scourge of modern life. I know many women who exclusively pump, and while some are willing to do anything to give their babies breast milk, many of us are miserable and live guilty lives, thinking we have to keep up these unrealistic schedules, trying to pump and care for a newborn. And I am totally not convinced breast milk is really the be-all, end all anyway (article link here, if you care). My son is healthy and thriving on formula, and my bonding has increased in a major way since I made the decision to stop forcing the issue. He's happy with a bottle, I'm happy with not being chained to my pump, and we've made the best of it. I chose donor egg partially so I could breastfeed, but it didn't increase our bonding, it just stressed us both out. Perhaps it will be different if I am fortunate enough to have another baby. They seem to think it's related to his breech presentation, and there's not a huge likelihood I will have another breech baby (though with my luck, I wouldn't be surprised...).

Anyway, enough about pumping. Being a mom is about more than feeding.

I LOVE MY SON SO MUCH.

I believe my postpartum blues clouded this for a while at the beginning, and it's only in the last three or four weeks that my love has fully blossomed, unclouded by the anxiety I struggled through at the beginning. I am now more deeply bonded to this little creature than I ever thought possible.

And you know what? This is weird, but he looks nothing like my husband. Okay, maybe his bad hair, ha ha (he has a weird receeding hairline at 11 weeks old- maybe the hair will still grow in!). He has my coloring, dark hair and olive skin, because we picked a donor who looks like me. But my son- he looks a LOT like our donor. He has her nose, for sure. My husband kinda has a big honker, and I have a medium nose, but my son has this cute little button nose that turns up at the end. And when I look back at the donor's photos, it's an exact replica of hers. It's unmistakable.

But this bears emphasizing: I do not care one bit. I see her every time I contemplate his features, and it matters not one bit to me. I really thought, while pregnant, it would be a bigger loss. But it's not. I remain grateful to her every day, and thankful we could pursue this treatment, but this boy feels 100% mine. I grew him, I sleep curled next to him every night, I cuddle him all day long, I feed him bottles while he stares deeply into my eyes and rewards me with the cutest, sweetest smiles. This boy is a true miracle child.

I go back to work in one month and I cannot imagine being apart from him. Unfortunately I can't quit, due to the expense of donor egg and also the scarcity of jobs in my field if I wanted to find a new one later. But I do hope I can cut my hours a bit so I can leave at 3 and spend some extra time each day with him. I'm not sure if I can, but I'll deal with it once I am back there.

And a parting word: postpartum depression is real. I'm not sure I had true depression, but certainly more than the regular baby blues. And having gone through infertility is a true risk factor for experiencing the dark places I went to. I think it's because we try so hard to have a baby, and then when it arrives and it's so hard, we blame ourselves for not only experiencing rainbows and unicorns. Add in a hard birth and some medical issues, and there's a recipe for trouble. I wish I had known this, and I plan to be as open with my hard times as I try to be about the struggle to get pregnant.

As a parting word, I'll say that this has been the hardest 11 weeks of my life. But when I wake up with the baby in my arms each morning, I know it was worth it. I'd do it again, I'd struggle through infertility and IVFs if I had to, but this boy is the best thing that's happened to me since marrying my husband. I thank the universe, my perseverance, and the donor a million times over. Thank you.

This is what a broken heart feels like

On Saturday morning, bright and early, B and I woke up. Normally we'll sleep till 9 on weekends, or sometimes later. But not this morning. We were up and in the bathroom before 7 am.

The test was negative. As I suspected and expected it to be.

We went back to bed but it was hopeless to go back to sleep. All things considering, we had an okay day after that. We took a long walk in the woods, a nap on the couch together, and met friends in Raleigh for dinner. Another friend came over later that night and we shared a bottle of wine.

Sunday was not so good. Sometimes the first day isn't so bad, but then the shock wears off and it becomes more real.. the lack of hope. Sunday I did yardwork and then we went for another long walk. However, we had a horrible fight in the woods. I was asking to mourn the loss of our last opportunity to have a biological child, and he just wanted to try to get me to think more positively about our other options and life in general. He also said he would like more support for the stress he is under at school.

Bullshit. That is such bullshit. This blog is not a forum to complain about my marriage, but I am still very upset with him. I know infertility can cause many couples to become unhappy with each other, and can break apart some marriages even. I know all this, and we've been doing okay over the past two years. But for some reason, this time I really wanted to mourn, and I wanted him to do it with me. And he couldn't, or wouldn't.

This turned into a 7 hour fight. Well, most of that was not actually fighting, it was him hiding upstairs and doing homework, and me crying and being miserable everywhere else. We did make up before bed, kind of.  He did bring home veggies and chocolate to try to make up, but my anger and sadness were overwhelming.

Today didn't start off too much better. Actually, it was awful. I woke up so exhausted from not enough sleep, and went to the gym to try to feel better. Doing Zumba for an hour did help. But then I had to go to the clinic to do the obligatory blood test. I guess I was a little dehydrated, presumably from the Zumba but perhaps also from crying so much yesterday. Anyway, three nurses tried to get a vein, resulting in my being stuck five times. They even sent me away and had me drink water and come back, but nothing. No vein, no blood. At this point I was bawling. I mean, uncontrollable crying, right there in the blood lab. The main nurse finally consulted with the attending, who told me to just go on home. I guess the pee test I did at home is gonna have to suffice.

This experience was torture. My arm is full of pain from the five needles I had in my right vein, and I cried myself hoarse at the clinic, in the car, and when I got home. I called B and told him I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown and he better damn well stop bickering with me and listen to what I need. I need someone to tell me they know how much I've been through, and that it's been HARD. I do not know anyone else who has been through three IVFs, and I am proud of myself for doing it, and I could use more acknowledgement from him. And when I say I don't need someone trying to cheer me up, but just to listen and try to empathize, that's what I want. I think he gets it now, after calling him at work today and having another little talk.

Overall, I feel that my heart has been broken, stomped on, and broken again. I know some of this is the hormones that are still in my body, and some of it is the lack of sufficient sleep I've had for three nights now. But most of it is just the plain and simple fact:  I will never have a biological child. I am 32 years old and cannot conceive, despite three IVFs with ICSI, costing more than $20,000 and two years of our lives. We will never know if it's my egg quality or his sperm's inability to fertilize, but the combo of me and him will never result in good embryos. We are done with our IVF journey.

Of course, all is not lost. I still intend to pursue embryo adoption, and traditional adoption is that does not work out. One of these days, I will be a parent, and maybe then my heart will begin healing.

Two Week Wait: Week One

Last time I wrote was Trigger Day. All went fine with triggering, and I had no nausea the way I did the first time. I did have some mild cramping all day Wednesday, but no big deal.

Thursday was retrieval. We got there bright and early, 7:30 am. I was excited and anxious, ready to be done with the monitoring phase of the cycle and eager to hear how many of the possible 7 eggs I would have retrieved.

For some reason, though, I was much more nervous than in the past. The retrieval room was much scarier than my old clinic's. As much as I didn't like my old clinic, they had a great set-up in their IVF suite. They had dim lights, the room was warm, and they played soft music to help calm the patient. At my new clinic, not so much. They started the anti-nausea drip in my IV, which made me extremely dizzy. Not in a bad way, it was almost fun  :)  but it was a little disconcerting. Anyway, the actual room was NOT warm and fuzzy the way my old clinic's room had been. It was bright white, sterile, and COLD. As I got on the table, my knees were knocking like crazy. They also could have waited a minute longer for the amnesia drugs to kick in. They inserted the speculum, which doesn't hurt but is never fun, and that is the last thing I remember.

Apparently I slept for a while afterwards. When I woke up, the nurse told me and B that they had retrieved 6 eggs. I was groggy and tired, but happy enough with that number. We went home and I slept much of that day.

The next day, I got bad news. Out of my 6 eggs, only 5 were mature. Okay, that was fine. But here is the bad part, that even the Fellow warned me I would not like: although we used ICSI, I only had TWO fertilize. TWO. That is really no better than any of my other cycles.
Cycle One: Six eggs retrieved, 1 fertilized normally, 1 fertilized late
Cycle Two: Four eggs retrieved, 2 fertilized with ICSI
Cycle Three: Six eggs retrieved with 5 mature, 2 fertilized with ICSI

ICSI typically should fertilize anywhere between 60-80%. With me, I've now had 50% and this time I had 40%. Pathetic! Why was I pumping myself full of drugs, going through a scary medical procedure, and then having ICSI totally fail me, with no more embryos than I've ever achieved before. So, so disappointing. I don't know how many times I cried on Friday.

But we went in on Sunday as planned. Upon arriving, I did acupuncture. I was told that my two embryos were ready to go. They were both, sadly, only 4 cells. By day three, they should be 6-8 cells. The fragmentation was 75% and 25%. That first number is bad. Low implantation potential. The second number is okay, pretty good, pretty average from what I have read.

I came home Sunday, so sad and disappointed. I had really hoped that a new clinic and a new protocol was going to bring better results. I had to ask for a Valium on Sunday for the transfer, because my nerves were so shot and I was so anxious and sad.

However, upon closer examination of the photos on Sunday, I did start to feel a bit better. My embryos are only 4 cells, but one of them looks much cleaner and crisper, with less fragmentation that any of the other embryos from previous cycles.

So, I'm still sad, and we've decided that we won't try a 4th cycle if this one doesn't work. We just feel that we have a quality/quantity problem and a fertilization problem to boot. Who knows if it's my egg quality that prevents the sperm from coming in, or if there is a serious sperm issue. It doesn't matter, but what it means is that we don't make good embryos. And we've tried two clinics and two protocols, one which all three doctors I interviewed back in October had recommended. I think we are at the end of the rope here.

So, I am hoping that one of these embryos is nestling in, but ultimately I realize that the chances are not very good. I have cried and grieved so many times, and I have to get off this crazy bus.

For that reason, we've talked about adoption, and how we think that is the next step. We don't want to wait too long before pursuing it either. I want a baby, I've already waited over two years, and I want my heart to heal. I do not think remaining childless is going to get any easier.

Life feels so unfair right now. Why am I surrounded by babies, and even my IVF friends have mostly all become pregnant this year too? I am sure my friend B's cycle right now is going to result in pregnancy and I will be happy for her, but I can't deny it will hurt. It's hard not to feel like a double failure: a pregnancy failure, and now a three-times IVF failure.

I have done everything I can do. All I can do is wait and hope now, and temper that hope with realism. March 9th, you will be here soon enough.

Hydo Sono Hell

Today was the dreaded hydro sonogram (water sono or 3-D sono, it seems to have several names). I had been assured by a few people that it wasn't too bad, and not nearly as bad as the HSG. Well, that's great for them, but for me it was not fun. Not at all. I was so nervous. Too nervous. My cervix cramped up and he had to try a couple of times to get the catheter in, and it kept cramping. I was sweating and thought I would either throw up or pass out. I wouldn't say the cramping was as bad as the HSG, but for me, it was close. Dr. M seemed to think I was a wimp. He said I have to relax for transfer, and that's very important. I felt bad because I've had three transfers (including mock) and never felt anything. Why was this so much worse? Same catheter, right? I'm confused and feel crampy still. Was it all psychological, because I was nervous? I feel like I did something wrong by being so nervous.

Also disappointing: their computers were down. So he couldn't give me any test results from last Friday. Or talk about the plan. All I know is that I have to finish this cycle (another 30 or so days, if it's like last time) and then do 2 or 3 weeks of birth control, then I can start. That puts me at starting stimming in mid to late January, which is fine. But I was hoping we could have sat down and talked about it, and dosages, etc. But no. He just said to call Mia, the IVF coordinator, in a few days. Um I think I will call tomorrow. I'm sure their computers will be up by then. They have to call me later anyway, to get the co-pay since the system was down.

So, bad morning, cried a bunch on the way home, still a tad bit crampy but it's fading. I had B drop me at home and I'm going to read and maybe nap later. Tonight is the support group and I have to talk about guidelines. What a crappy day. Life feels really unfair right about now, and really overwhelming.

Day 32

Day 32 of my cycle and no period. WTF? I used to have long cycles, but I thought the endo surgery would help correct that. I've only done one natural cycle since then, and it was only 26 days. I wimped out and took a pregnancy test two days ago, and of course it was negative. So now I don't know what to do except wait, and see. If I still don't get it by Saturday, I can test again, but I'm sure it will come. It would be a miracle, an absolute miracle, if I got pregnant before starting this whole IVF mess again, but miracles don't happen to me anymore. Not when it comes to my fertility.

I really just don't understand. If my long cycles and delayed ovulation were my endo, then what's the deal now, post-surgery? What is wrong with me? If we thought maybe it was mainly B's confused sperm, which the tests show being borderline for forward motility and the one non-ICSI IVF confirmed an abysmal fertilization rate, then this long cycle shows that isn't it either. My egg quality sucked during the IVFs but I thought maybe I was over-suppressed. I just don't understand. Everything else about me is so healthy, and I eat well and exercise and I wouldn't say I am under undue stress. Aughh!

In other fertility news, I am still the de facto coordinator of the RESOLVE support group, and still wondering how to handle the problem we had last meeting with a new person. Today I talked to a woman at the national headquarters, about our "difficult" new person. She talked/complained about her children (three of them! for real) and bragged about her 100% insurance coverage (and adoption coverage too). I am nervous to talk to her before the next meeting, but it has to be done. We don't want anyone to feel uncomfortable, and she really dominated the group. Not okay. Hopefully she will not come back, or has found support some other way. Sigh.

Anyway, for now I will continue life as usual, just waiting for my period, hoping it won't come, but wishing it would soon if it's gonna. I'm terrified of the water sonogram but just want to get it over with too. Also, we leave for Ecuador in two and a half weeks (exciting!) and I'd like to have our January plan set up before then.

I can't believe it's been two years. I should have a baby in my arms now, but no. It's just me, my distracted husband, and my spoiled kitty cat. Same old, same old. Not feeling very cheerful today.

Decision

As of last Thursday, I was feeling okay about ARC. Not wonderful, but okay. I liked the doctor and liked her intention to try a different protocol, but the drive is kind of a pain. A lot of time on the highway. Their prices are higher than other clinics, and it bothers me a little bit that the place was so empty. I worry a little about a place that is so new and untested, yet charges so much more than well-established places. I went into the next two consults with curiosity and a bit of nervousness that one of them, or both, would tell me not to waste my time. However, that was not the case.

My consult with Duke was first. I was prepared to not like them, and to not want another big university-based experience. However, I was totally impressed by both the clinic and the doctor. The clinic is near Southpoint and therefore pretty convenient- not as close as my old clinic of course, but I can get there in 20 minutes with no traffic. It's in a free-standing building with plenty of parking right out front, which is also nice and different from my previous experience of having to pay for parking and walk quite a bit (not really something you always want to do after procedures). It wasn't as fancy as ARC, but certainly didn't have the public hospital, slightly grungy feel of my old clinic. I also liked the tea machine  :)

Anyway, I spent only half an hour with the doctor but he answered all of my questions with confidence and with as much certainty as you can possibly expect or hope to hear. He agreed that there is no guarantee, but that it's likely the birth control and Lupron were over-suppressing me. In fact, he scoffed at the fact that I did two cycles on Lupron. He said Lupron is considered good for endometriosis patients, but that with a low responder like me, it's a bad idea. He said that it's an outdated treatment regimen that he hasn't been using for 15 years. He also disapproved of my having the endo surgery, and indicated that it may have caused more harm than good to my fertility. While I don't know, since he didn't see all my surgery records, that was upsetting to hear. He think it is worth one or two more tries, with my age and my great AMH. He predicts I will do at least as well in quantity, but what he really wants to focus on is quality.  He told me that is his goal for me. He will not let me go too long, but trigger much earlier, and he won't have me on such high drug levels. He doesn't need lots of eggs or big follicles, but good ones. I left feeling reassured. He advised me to quit the birth control and come back at the end of next cycle for AMH and FSH testing, and a baseline ultrasound and a water sonogram. We'll see how many antral follicles I have and plan for January. I left feeling calm and hopeful.

The next day, I spoke with the doctor from SG. It's funny, because I expected to not like Duke and to like SG, and it was the total opposite. Whereas I trusted the Duke doctor and felt that he fully and respectfully explained each part of his thinking to me, the SG doctor completely turned me off. He didn't seem to review my records personally, and would not give me the details I politely requested from him. I wanted exact medication recommendations, but he just kept saying, "We'll double what you were on." Huh? I was already nearly maxed out on allowable/beneficial amounts. He recommended another sperm analysis, but I don't see the point since we're doing ICSI regardless. A test won't change our treatment, so why bother? When I politely argued this, he then agreed. But what most upset me was his insistence on a repeat HSG. I had a traumatic first HSG and he said we can do sedation, but that is likely to run me thousands of dollars. I guess Maryland patients have the insurance for this, but I do not. Unless I have a clear and logical explanation for why this is helpful, why would I agree? He would not clearly explain the necessity. Something about leakage from my tubes post surgery could affect implantation... while this makes some vague sense, he did not bother to explain it to me. He didn't seem to want to explain anything to me, but just for me to blindly follow all recommendations. I have come too far and am too experienced to take this attitude, and I am done following doctors without understanding or agreeing. The whole consult made me uncomfortable and upset me, and I was very late to work due to my crying.

Some of why I was crying is not his fault. All three doctors seem to agree that Lupron was not the protocol for me, especially after an unsuccessful first cycle. They all think the surgery may have irreparably harmed my fertility. I am confused by what this all means, and how I may have wasted so much time and emotions and money on what turns out to not have been the best treatments for me. I am upset that I didn't do my research well and went to a clinic with such low success rates compared to the other clinics in my area. I have been through so much heartbreak and stress and anxiety, and it has affected my relationships, my work, my self-esteem, and my friendships. It sucks.

And now I have these large, looming doubts about the HSG. I wonder if it would tell us something, but my guess is that it would not. And even if it showed some obstacle to implantation, would that really change anything? We would still try IVF again, because nothing is ever certain, and we would hope that with increased quality, we'd have a better outcome. Furthermore, I don't think I have it in me to go through all this with SG, without B being with me for a week or more. My mom and dad are great, but being home in my bed, with my kitty and my husband- that's what I need when going through IVF.

I did ask the nurse at Duke to ask the doctor there about an HSG and he reiterated that a water sonogram is what he will do. I would like to ask him about this again, and about implantation factors, when I see him in about a month for the next consult. I know he and the ARC doctor believe it is probably the quality that has prevented implantation, and I keep reminding myself that the HSG is probably not going to change our decision tree anyway. I will try not to dwell on it anymore. K loved her experience at Duke, and that means a lot, and their outcomes are as high, even a slight bit higher, than SG.

Another thing I have decided, in addition to going to Duke, is to buy just one round at a time. Though I intend to try IVF twice more, I do want to see how the first time goes. If it's really lousy or if by some miracle it works, maybe I will be glad I didn't pre-pay for two cycles. Also, if I hate it, I could always try a different clinic. I do not think I'd have the energy to try a third place, but it's always an option. A friend of a friend mentioned the Colorado Clinics. Their outcomes are amazing, like in the 70% success range (versus Duke's 50-ish% and my old clinic's 38%) but so are their prices, and again, there's the issue of being away from home, and even worse, without my family. No, with B's school and work, it's just not an option.


I should get back to work now, but I wanted to give an update. For now, I got my period yesterday, and I'm just supposed to complete a regular, unmedicated cycle. Then I go back to Duke and do the testing, and prepare for a January start. Maybe it's the consults and the upsetting SG talk, or the fact that I got my period , or that B is always busy with school and so I'm alone again a lot, but the past few days have been really hard for me. Although Duke gave me hope, and really all three of them had hopeful outlooks, I do feel pretty pessimistic. I feel that we're going to spend a ton of money and time and emotional output on two more cycles, only to be child-less, poorer, and bitter (in my case, not sure about B). But, I also am not ready to give up. It's a tough place to be in and I am just glad for the break, for Ecuador in December, and for K's unending support and companionship throughout all this. I can't believe that she is moving and I will have to do this on my own in January, but that's another problem to dwell on another day.

Down In the Dumps

It's been almost a week since my negative pregnancy test(s). I am pretty depressed.

I haven't wanted to talk to hardly anyone about this. I emailed my friends who knew, and my parents, and told them I don't want to talk about it. I haven't made an appointment with my therapist. I just don't have anything positive to say, so who wants to hear it.

On the up side, we have an appointment with Dr. F on Friday morning. Maybe I will feel more upbeat when we have a new game plan. But I just don't see how we can do anything soon, with our New York trip over Labor Day and B's five day trip to California the next weekend. I guess we will have to wait, and I just feel so hopeless and depressed when we're waiting. If B insists on going to this bachelor party and we have to wait another month, I am going to lose it. Maybe that won't be an issue. Scheduling and timing is always so dependent on my clinic.

I'm exercising, eating okay, and getting sleep. Doing all the things I should be, but just feeling angry, bitter, and hopeless. Easily irritated too. B's parents were here this weekend and I wanted to strangle them sometimes. But I normally feel that way, so I guess that's no big change. My mom and aunt arrive on Friday night. What a time for visitors.

Anyway, nothing else to say. I'm just miserable and sad and feel very hopeless about my life. B is about to start school in October and I thought I'd have a baby by now to keep me company. Everyone is having babies and posting baby photos on FB and I am still here, where I was 19 months ago. Life is so unfair.