Update on lining troubles and FET future plans

Fertility update and mind dump coming.

Since our last cycle was canceled due to my uterine lining not growing enough, I have been ok. Sort of. I've been taking more Valium than I should, and crying more often than I'd like. But, I don't want to focus on that right now.

I have been offered two choices: surgery to evaluate and possibly repair my uterus, which may have sustained unknown damage during my c-section two years ago or might just be invaded my endometriosis again (Asherman's Syndrome is a possibility), or simply try a different form of estrogen supplementation- the patch, which is what I used back when I got pregnant with my now-toddler, and see if that thickens my lining.

We had a long talk and we've decided to try the estrogen patch option to see if that does anything, but if not, to stop. The surgery option is outpatient surgery and I've had surgery before, but neither of us is excited and frankly I am terrified. Furthermore, it will cost a lot, and is no guarantee either- ie. it could be for nothing, and it's totally unnecessary beyond fertility. My long term health is fine, beyond regular endometriosis symptoms that I can control by staying on the pill till menopause.

So, these are the facts. We'll try this one last option, but not go to extreme lengths. These are my husband's wishes and he was the one who originally wanted a larger family. As for me? I don't know. I keep asking God and the universe and myself: what do I want? I know I am scared of surgery. I know I want another baby, but I also can see the myriad benefits of just one, and of moving on with our lives. I do not especially want to be pregnant again. I never want to breastfeed again. I am worried about the finances of having two kids and working.

But: how do you KNOW what is best for your future? How do you choose something that will affect you the rest of your life? How do you turn down the unknown path? What do you do when you squint into the distance and it's just... murky? I don't feel that I am being called to have another child, but I also think of those could-be embryos and what they would be like and I feel sharp, deep, intense grief and longing. Of course, we might find out because we plan to donate them to a family that can't afford the treatment we did, but still, they won't be our children once we turn them over. So, I guess I need to sit with this, but I don't want to sit too long. I want to move on and I just need to figure out how to turn away from the road not taken. How does one do this?

One Week Post Failed FET

As expected, my beta last Friday was negative. Zero, zip, nada. I quit taking my progesterone even before the doctor called me, because why waste the $20 each suppositories for nothing.

It was a hard, sad weekend. My mom was here and she just does not get it. She didn't say anything wrong per se, but she was fine with just having one kid and doesn't understand my yearning for another, or my sadness when I think of that perfect, lost embryo. So I tried my hardest to not talk about it, which maybe was for the best anyway.

Things I have been doing to take care of myself:
-letting myself just be sad, mostly on my own, in my own head. I have informed my friends who knew I was doing a cycle, though mostly by email because I don't feel ready to talk to most people about it yet.
-eating well but also allowing myself more treats than usual. I lost several pounds from having pneumonia but I predict I'll gain it back just through chocolate consumption this week alone.
-being sure to get 8 hours of sleep a night.
-after a frustrating attempt to find a therapist because my former one and two others are all not accepting new patients, a therapist neighbor got me connected to someone who can see me on Tuesday and I'm grateful for that. I need time and space to talk and cry and not feel guilty for my feelings or making someone listen to me. The sad part about where I am now in life is that my husband and I have very little kid-free time to actually sit down and talk, and he's not the best at this sort of thing anyway, since he's very focused on not giving up and just moving ahead. I am still stuck in the feelings of now. I had a great group of friends from my infertility support group when I was trying last time, but of them, two don't think they want another child and three did manage to get pregnant again with no intervention. They are good people but not what I need right now.

Things I haven't been able to do to take care of myself:
-exercise. I love and rely on the gym to make me feel better, but I am only 3 weeks out from a walking pneumonia diagnosis, and still feel a significant amount of discomfort in my chest/lungs. So as much as I want to go tire myself out with intense cardio, I am not sure when I will feel ready for that. I am not really a yoga person because I get bored and fall asleep, or would rather relax with a book or Netflix if I'm not going to be exercising anyway.
-really talk to anyone about this. Of course my husband gets it, as he deeply desires another child too. But his ability to be supportive is limited by his intrinsic nature of cheerfulness, and propensity to look forward to the next cycle instead of dwelling on the failed one. This is too hard for me right now, so we just avoid talking about it too much. I hope that I will find the therapist helpful next week.

My current plan is to take this month off. When I had the WTF talk with my doctor on Friday when he called with the negative beta results, he seemed surprised I'd want to take a month off. However, then he heard me cough, and agreed that some time to heal is not a bad idea. He did tell me that the pneumonia did not cause my negative pregnancy test, but these are precious, expensive embryos and I don't want to have any doubts that I'm not giving them the best possible chance, so for me that means waiting.

Another thing that came out of my phone conversation with him is a new, lowered expectation. I knew my chances of success with the fresh embryo were about 60%, but at transfer he had given me a 70% chance because I had such a stellar quality embryo to transfer. So I foolishly kept that in my head as my odds this time. And then felt totally crushed when it was negative. Dr. S told me on the call that with a frozen, the odds are only 50/50. That is much lower than I had been assuming.

So now we're in the place of paying another $5k, by the time travel and meds are included, for what is only a 50/50 chance. And with my third best embryo at this point. This does not feel good, but what choice do I have?

I am now on cycle day 5, and when I get my period I will immediately begin the estradiol again, and transfer will be around day 19. I'm a little worried this will fall right when I am due to be out of the country for a work trip, but I am trying my hardest to not stress until I know. I hope my period is early  or late and it's a moot point, but we will see. I only stare at my calendar a few times a day, willing it to work out so I don't have to wait till freaking June to try again.

So overall, I am not in a great place. I'm eating into our precious savings, and finding myself too sad to look forward to things that normally made me happy. Of course, being with my toddler is still wonderful, but it doesn't make the sadness go away in those long hours I am trapped at my desk at work or during the long evening hours after he goes to bed. My husband keeps reminding me that we are in such a better place than before we had him, and that we have plenty of frozens left, but hope and money do come in limited amounts for me. I feel sad, and disappointed, and bitter at the unfairness. Wasn't three failed IVFs and one canceled one enough, universe? Wasn't having to forgo my own genetic child and pay for donor eggs enough? Wasn't my years of wanting a child enough? I am beyond grateful to have one, but as three of my former-infertile friends have gone on to conceive on their own, it leaves me feeling bitter and confused all over again.

Enough moping. I have a plan, and I am not going to pretend the next seven weeks will be anything but long, but I will do what I can to feel as good as possible. I hope therapy helps, and I hope this dark sense of hopelessness is not completed by another negative test. Sigh. This is so hard.

Other people's pregnancies

One week from today we will be in Atlanta, my donor's eggs will be unfrozen, and combined with my husband's sperm. If all goes well, I won't be brought back in till Wednesday, June 19th, for a five day, single embryo transfer. Then I will drive myself home the next day, and the following day is my 33rd birthday. My goal was to be done by my birthday, and sure enough, we are track for that. Of course I won't test till the week after my birthday, but at least we'll be done with the Atlanta part.

I had a pretty hard weekend after I last wrote. I recently have become good friends with a woman from my local support group. I had been close with four other women, and one by one, three of the four are all pregnant (or delivered a baby, in one case). That's been hard- I love getting their updates and am so happy for them, but sometimes I feel like a failure. I'm the only one who has gotten negative IVFs every time and am still here, infertile.

Anyway, recently I've become friendly with a new-ish member of the group. We're very different in a lot of ways, but we are the same age, and we've both been trying for a baby for 2.5 years. I encouraged her to shop around for a new clinic and she ended up switching to my clinic here. They did one IUI, negative. They did another one, and she texted me on Thursday that she had gotten a faint positive, but then a BFN the next day. She seemed upset and hopeless, and asked if we wanted to have dinner with her and her husband on Saturday night. I offered to cook, and planned a lovely meal that we could eat on the deck.

Well, Friday night she found out she is pregnant. Definitely pregnant.

I was.. deflated. Now, don't get me wrong: I am thrilled for her. She is wonderful and deserves to be a parent. I have wished nothing for the best for her. But to hear of yet another support group member's pregnancy can be hard. I wish I had my treatments work. I wish I had gotten pregnant from an IUI or an IVF and my own eggs. I wish, I wish. But, it isn't going to happen.

So, I was truly happy for her, but also sad that I'm losing yet another companion in this path of infertility, and that I feel like a failure yet again. But when I woke up Saturday, I was determined to be a gracious host to them for dinner, and to have a nice weekend before and after that.

Then, the kiss of death: Facebook.

I checked Facebook. And a high school friend of mine announced her pregnancy. In the worst, most obnoxious way: one of those ridiculous photo shoots with her and her husband and a due date and a stupid little baby bump prominently featured.

This was a friend (notice WAS) that WATCHED me do my shots one year ago, when I visited her at her home. She told me she probably didn't want kids, that she is really focused on her PhD, that both her husband and herself are "ambivalent" about children.

Why, universe? Why should someone who is ambivalent about wanting children get pregnant so easily, so quickly (I know they went on vacation in January- I assume they were not trying before then), yet I, who have longed for a baby for so many years, cannot? Life is so unfair, so deeply, deeply unfair.

As if this weren't bad enough, I looked back at my emails and we'd been writing back in April. When she was two months pregnant, by my calculations. She asked how IVF was going and I relayed that it hadn't worked and we are sad and don't know what to do next.

She said NOTHING about being pregnant.

And it's not that she should have to, but I would have really appreciated a short note or email before she posted that obnoxious, attention-hogging photo on Facebook. She KNOWS about my struggles and our pain and she couldn't even have said something, a short something? And she KNOWS about infertility, through at least me if not others, and she still thought her FB obnoxiousness was something wise to do?  I have had plenty of other friends become pregnant, and I am happy for them, and when they've told me, via email usually, then it's totally fine.

What do you think, readers? Am I being way too sensitive? Should we not expect some sensitivity after disclosure to a close friend? Is this just not something people should be expected to think about? Am I crazy for being angry at her and wanting to tell her how insensitive this was?

I won't do anything. She lives far away and we don't see each other more than once or twice a year, and she's not obligated to protect my feelings or do anything, and I suspect she'd just think I was crazy if I were to say anything. Perhaps, if this cycle works, and I am coming from a more positive place, then I can say something... or perhaps not.

This is what a broken heart feels like

On Saturday morning, bright and early, B and I woke up. Normally we'll sleep till 9 on weekends, or sometimes later. But not this morning. We were up and in the bathroom before 7 am.

The test was negative. As I suspected and expected it to be.

We went back to bed but it was hopeless to go back to sleep. All things considering, we had an okay day after that. We took a long walk in the woods, a nap on the couch together, and met friends in Raleigh for dinner. Another friend came over later that night and we shared a bottle of wine.

Sunday was not so good. Sometimes the first day isn't so bad, but then the shock wears off and it becomes more real.. the lack of hope. Sunday I did yardwork and then we went for another long walk. However, we had a horrible fight in the woods. I was asking to mourn the loss of our last opportunity to have a biological child, and he just wanted to try to get me to think more positively about our other options and life in general. He also said he would like more support for the stress he is under at school.

Bullshit. That is such bullshit. This blog is not a forum to complain about my marriage, but I am still very upset with him. I know infertility can cause many couples to become unhappy with each other, and can break apart some marriages even. I know all this, and we've been doing okay over the past two years. But for some reason, this time I really wanted to mourn, and I wanted him to do it with me. And he couldn't, or wouldn't.

This turned into a 7 hour fight. Well, most of that was not actually fighting, it was him hiding upstairs and doing homework, and me crying and being miserable everywhere else. We did make up before bed, kind of.  He did bring home veggies and chocolate to try to make up, but my anger and sadness were overwhelming.

Today didn't start off too much better. Actually, it was awful. I woke up so exhausted from not enough sleep, and went to the gym to try to feel better. Doing Zumba for an hour did help. But then I had to go to the clinic to do the obligatory blood test. I guess I was a little dehydrated, presumably from the Zumba but perhaps also from crying so much yesterday. Anyway, three nurses tried to get a vein, resulting in my being stuck five times. They even sent me away and had me drink water and come back, but nothing. No vein, no blood. At this point I was bawling. I mean, uncontrollable crying, right there in the blood lab. The main nurse finally consulted with the attending, who told me to just go on home. I guess the pee test I did at home is gonna have to suffice.

This experience was torture. My arm is full of pain from the five needles I had in my right vein, and I cried myself hoarse at the clinic, in the car, and when I got home. I called B and told him I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown and he better damn well stop bickering with me and listen to what I need. I need someone to tell me they know how much I've been through, and that it's been HARD. I do not know anyone else who has been through three IVFs, and I am proud of myself for doing it, and I could use more acknowledgement from him. And when I say I don't need someone trying to cheer me up, but just to listen and try to empathize, that's what I want. I think he gets it now, after calling him at work today and having another little talk.

Overall, I feel that my heart has been broken, stomped on, and broken again. I know some of this is the hormones that are still in my body, and some of it is the lack of sufficient sleep I've had for three nights now. But most of it is just the plain and simple fact:  I will never have a biological child. I am 32 years old and cannot conceive, despite three IVFs with ICSI, costing more than $20,000 and two years of our lives. We will never know if it's my egg quality or his sperm's inability to fertilize, but the combo of me and him will never result in good embryos. We are done with our IVF journey.

Of course, all is not lost. I still intend to pursue embryo adoption, and traditional adoption is that does not work out. One of these days, I will be a parent, and maybe then my heart will begin healing.

Waiting is Hard

My friend sent me a video on self-compassion and it was really helpful to me right now. Especially right now, I can use a reminder that I often say things to myself that I wouldn't say to others... I should be kinder to myself, and work on being a good friend, or the friend I'd like to be to others.

 I'm okay sometimes, but I'm really depressed a lot of the time lately. A good deal of it may be the progesterone and estrogen that I am on (a patch and a suppository each morning- oh my god am I hungry all the time too!). But a lot of it is feeling like a huge failure. It's bad enough that I couldn't get pregnant after trying for over two years now, but now I keep telling myself that I am an IVF failure as well. Many of the women in the support group that I was close to all got pregnant from their first IVF- and meanwhile, my third one was pretty much a bust. Not having three IVFs work does seem to be unusual, and not what I had expected to happen. Of course I had the two embryos transferred on Sunday, but neither was good quality.

I don't test until the Saturday after this one, but I know I'm not pregnant. We've spent so much money and time and heartbreak on this. Sometimes when my grief consumes me, it's all I want anymore. I feel so burdened by the grief that I can't do much else to improve other areas of my life. I just feel trapped and sad and there is nothing I can do to change my basic biological inability to have what comes so easily to most people.  Of course we will adopt, but I feel so exhausted already, and adoption involves FBI background checks, a home study by a social worker, psychological evaluations, and upwards of $30,000 that we don't have just laying around. It could be years. It all feels so very unfair. I guess I need to take this to a professional, though even that seems a lot of work. But I will do it. For now, I just need to wait out the next 9 days and see.

Two Week Wait: Week One

Last time I wrote was Trigger Day. All went fine with triggering, and I had no nausea the way I did the first time. I did have some mild cramping all day Wednesday, but no big deal.

Thursday was retrieval. We got there bright and early, 7:30 am. I was excited and anxious, ready to be done with the monitoring phase of the cycle and eager to hear how many of the possible 7 eggs I would have retrieved.

For some reason, though, I was much more nervous than in the past. The retrieval room was much scarier than my old clinic's. As much as I didn't like my old clinic, they had a great set-up in their IVF suite. They had dim lights, the room was warm, and they played soft music to help calm the patient. At my new clinic, not so much. They started the anti-nausea drip in my IV, which made me extremely dizzy. Not in a bad way, it was almost fun  :)  but it was a little disconcerting. Anyway, the actual room was NOT warm and fuzzy the way my old clinic's room had been. It was bright white, sterile, and COLD. As I got on the table, my knees were knocking like crazy. They also could have waited a minute longer for the amnesia drugs to kick in. They inserted the speculum, which doesn't hurt but is never fun, and that is the last thing I remember.

Apparently I slept for a while afterwards. When I woke up, the nurse told me and B that they had retrieved 6 eggs. I was groggy and tired, but happy enough with that number. We went home and I slept much of that day.

The next day, I got bad news. Out of my 6 eggs, only 5 were mature. Okay, that was fine. But here is the bad part, that even the Fellow warned me I would not like: although we used ICSI, I only had TWO fertilize. TWO. That is really no better than any of my other cycles.
Cycle One: Six eggs retrieved, 1 fertilized normally, 1 fertilized late
Cycle Two: Four eggs retrieved, 2 fertilized with ICSI
Cycle Three: Six eggs retrieved with 5 mature, 2 fertilized with ICSI

ICSI typically should fertilize anywhere between 60-80%. With me, I've now had 50% and this time I had 40%. Pathetic! Why was I pumping myself full of drugs, going through a scary medical procedure, and then having ICSI totally fail me, with no more embryos than I've ever achieved before. So, so disappointing. I don't know how many times I cried on Friday.

But we went in on Sunday as planned. Upon arriving, I did acupuncture. I was told that my two embryos were ready to go. They were both, sadly, only 4 cells. By day three, they should be 6-8 cells. The fragmentation was 75% and 25%. That first number is bad. Low implantation potential. The second number is okay, pretty good, pretty average from what I have read.

I came home Sunday, so sad and disappointed. I had really hoped that a new clinic and a new protocol was going to bring better results. I had to ask for a Valium on Sunday for the transfer, because my nerves were so shot and I was so anxious and sad.

However, upon closer examination of the photos on Sunday, I did start to feel a bit better. My embryos are only 4 cells, but one of them looks much cleaner and crisper, with less fragmentation that any of the other embryos from previous cycles.

So, I'm still sad, and we've decided that we won't try a 4th cycle if this one doesn't work. We just feel that we have a quality/quantity problem and a fertilization problem to boot. Who knows if it's my egg quality that prevents the sperm from coming in, or if there is a serious sperm issue. It doesn't matter, but what it means is that we don't make good embryos. And we've tried two clinics and two protocols, one which all three doctors I interviewed back in October had recommended. I think we are at the end of the rope here.

So, I am hoping that one of these embryos is nestling in, but ultimately I realize that the chances are not very good. I have cried and grieved so many times, and I have to get off this crazy bus.

For that reason, we've talked about adoption, and how we think that is the next step. We don't want to wait too long before pursuing it either. I want a baby, I've already waited over two years, and I want my heart to heal. I do not think remaining childless is going to get any easier.

Life feels so unfair right now. Why am I surrounded by babies, and even my IVF friends have mostly all become pregnant this year too? I am sure my friend B's cycle right now is going to result in pregnancy and I will be happy for her, but I can't deny it will hurt. It's hard not to feel like a double failure: a pregnancy failure, and now a three-times IVF failure.

I have done everything I can do. All I can do is wait and hope now, and temper that hope with realism. March 9th, you will be here soon enough.

Feeling blue

I know my nurse said not to worry, but I can't help it.

We had friends over for dinner last night and that was a great distraction, but I'm at home today and B is in class till 9:45 pm, so it's a long day on my own. Luckily I have acupuncture soon, and that should help.

Today is also Valentine's and that's depressing, somehow. Everyone is posting adorable photos of their babies on Facebook and I don't think I'll get to have one to hold anytime soon.

Tonight I plan to spend the evening with some leftover squash, my kitty cat, and last week's Downton Abbey episode, which I am looking forward to.

Blah. Hope to get better news tomorrow about my estradiol and follicles. Right now I feel hopeless.

Not Willing to Let Go

I always thought I'd know when to quit. Logically, it makes sense to stop the hamster wheel, get off this train, whatever. I had two lackluster cycles and we're out about $10K already on treatment and medications. It's drained us emotionally, physically has been tough, and has affected me at work. B is entering a really stressful next two years as he starts business school. We're worried about money all the time due to his tuition. It probably makes sense to take our limited funds and spend them on a sure bet, adoption, rather than continue on a very unsure bet, more IVF.

Yet.

I cannot force myself to feel that I am done with IVF. I only had two tries, and I have never felt good about my clinic's care. I also feel that if I gave my left ovary some more time, perhaps it would play ball, as the doctor says.

I see that it's about $10K for two tries at NCCRM. They have better outcomes than my clinic. I always wished I'd started there instead.

I know that I was feeling okay about adoption, but I'm not really. I'm just not.

I think that I should meet with Dr. F one last time (appointment is scheduled for next Friday) and also have a consult at NCCRM. Bring my records and ask them what they would do differently. What my chances are like, with two more tries. Ask them if I were their daughter or if they were me, would they keep fighting this seemingly uphill battle, or would they put their funds towards adoption instead.

I should call NCCRM. I should just do it. I know B is not in favor of this, but he is not totally opposed either. And perhaps I could use my own savings a bit. I know it's supposed to be there for an emergency, but this seems like one.

Or should I just let.... go?

Torture. Plain and simple. Torture.

Most Depressing Post Ever

This morning I found out that I am not pregnant. 

I thought today couldn't get any worse, but suddenly, everything has. 

We have been kicked out of the Attain program. We get $9000 back.

B has announced that he is done with medical intervention and the doctors, tests, treatments, and drugs. If we want to continue another round of IVF, we'll have to use our whole $9000 refund plus a lot more for a single cycle and drugs and ICSI, and then only have a 50/50 chance anyway. With the not so good outcomes of both of my cycles so far (low egg count, low fertilization even with ICSI, and nothing to freeze either time, never even made it to day 3 transfer, etc.), he says it's wiser to take the $9000 refund and put it towards adoption, which is a safer bet than another $10,000 plus on a 50/50 chance at best. 

I think, logically, he is correct. But I am in shock. I had forgotten Attain could kick us out, and never really considered what it would mean.

I am not sure how someone processes these thoughts, so I have decided to do nothing for the time being. I just never considered how it would feel to Stop. Like, I will never, ever get "accidentally" pregnant when we stop "trying" because I am going back on the pill and never coming off of it, which is what my doctor recommends due to my endometriosis. So, this is it, perhaps.

Not sure there is anything that can be said, but I guess the adoption people coming to our Tuesday RESOLVE meeting could not have picked better timing when it comes to me.

Worst. Day. Ever. 

Not Pregnant

I couldn't wait any longer, and I tested yesterday before going to the clinic for my official test. Both tests were negative. 

We are both really crushed. I know I have up to two more tries (bought a package) but I really had hope that this first time would be the magic solution. Instead, nothing went right, and then we had a surprise twist and they managed to get two embryos into me... and neither one worked. I spent thousands on drugs and have been shooting myself up daily for six weeks now, all for nothing. I have been trying to get pregnant for well over a year and a half now and I'm just really sick of it and angry and don't understand the unfairness of it all. Most things in life, if you want it, if you try, you can make some kind of changes. I feel so helpless with this, because I have done SO MUCH and gone through countless surgeries, invasive exams, and changing my life to accommodate shots and tests, and I have nothing to show for it at all, except a general distrust of many people and a growing bitterness.

I didn't go to work yesterday and today I am working at home. I don't want to actually talk to anyone about this yet, so I'm just avoiding everyone. Eventually I'll feel better. It comes and goes. 

I know I should make an appointment with my therapist lady but I think I am not quite ready. I don't think there are easy answers for any of what I feel, and all I can do is be positive (hard right now) and try again, and also start thinking about an end date after which I need to stop trying, accept it, and move on with my life. In which case, I need to make some serious changes because it all feels rather empty right now, but I haven't had the emotional space to want to try to change it while dealing with all the fertility stuff. B and I started talking about all this yesterday, but it's not easy. Right now, I am just so tired, so angry, and so sad. 

CD 3, Clomid day 1

I have been tortured for the past two days, debating between sticking to my plan of trying Clomid for a few months or going right to IVF.

I was leaning towards IVF, thinking to just get it over with, and before my endo has a chance to come back. However, the clinic is being awful. If I start now, I'd have to be on Lupron for 26 days instead of the standard 1-2 weeks. I hate UNC so much. Why is it ok to shut down the lab for two whole weeks every month, thereby totally limiting when we can start the stims? I hate UNC and am again debating switching to Cary, despite the longer drive. I just don't know what to do. I already bought $1800 of meds that I might not be able to use if I were to switch clinics.

For now, I am too stressed out, and too pissed off. I popped my first Clomid today, having sort of given up on IVF for this cycle. The nurse is not responding to my emails or calls, as usual.

Oh, and UNC hit me with another $600 bill. I will now have paid $2700 for my one outpatient laparoscopy procedure in March. I am so upset.

Down

I'm feeling really down tonight. I'm doubting I will get pregnant ever, or at least not for a very long time and with lots of intervention. Today is three months after my 31st birthday and we've been trying to conceive for almost 9 months. It sucks that I started trying when I was 30 1/2 and the absolute earliest I could be having a child is when I'm just about 32. And maybe not for a year or more after that, even.

Yet, meanwhile, my husband's sister managed to get pregnant "without even trying" and very likely on the first month she "didn't try" when she was 38. THIRTY-EIGHT. And two of her FORTY year old friends also have newborns. And me? Nothing. All because of my stupid, unresponsive ovaries.

And now, if I can't get pregnant this month, and my cyst is still there, what then? I go off Clomid and have another 45+ day cycle, and THEN MAYBE start Clomid again so wait another 18 days till I ovulate?? So we're talking another 65+ days till I even have a shot at conceiving??

This just feels all so... never-ending. Never, ever ending. I am so sick of months coming and going when I thought I'd be preparing to expect a baby. No one ever warned me it might be this hard.