My Last RESOLVE Meeting?

Of course nothing is definite, but last night might have been my last RESOLVE meeting.

I joined the group a year and a half ago, after struggling with trying to conceive for a year. When the facilitator left after a failed IVF and a desire to stop trying, another member and I took over as coordinators. I did the official training, and we set up an email account to answer new member inquiries. Since the group was pretty small, just about four or five regulars, we put up fliers at several of the local fertility clinics.

I'm happy to report that the group has really grown- last night we had about 16 attendees. About five men were included. The group was about 2/3 regulars and 1/3 first timers. It's a nice mix of women about to start IVF, a few who have tried IVF and aren't sure what to do next, and some real newbies.

This group has been the single most helpful thing in my infertility life over the past year and a half. I know not everyone feels this way (some people find it discouraging that others graduate and we remain), but for me, it's been essential. I tried therapy and came home feeling depressed each time. Focusing on myself and my problems just wasn't for me. But when I went to RESOLVE meetings, I was comforted by women who really understood me and were in the same place. It was helpful to see others struggling, and others succeeding at times. Although it was hard when almost everyone I started with eventually became pregnant and moved on, it just further solidified my drive to keep trying, and to explore new options like donor egg.

Also, it has been a fab source of information and of free and half price meds  :)

I have especially enjoyed the friendships I've made through the group. I'm still close with four of the women that were in the original group (one has a new baby, two are pregnant, one is not sure what to do next but starting to explore embryo adoption) and one woman I met more recently (also pregnant, only four weeks ahead of me). These close friendships are the best part of RESOLVE- it brought us together and gave us a way to meet and something huge we have in common.

RESOLVE has a suggestion that you attend once to let the group know you are pregnant (in a kind, sensitive  way- or at least I did my best) and then stop attending. One women last night questioned why- she said can't a woman be a symbol of encouragement to the others, if she keeps coming? Well.... yes, I understand that, but I also recognize that the group should be a safe space for those in the midst of the struggle. It should be a safe space away from pregnant women. I do feel like I'm in a different category- I have struggled and fought SO MUCH to have this baby- but I am still pregnant. The group has to be a space where women don't need to be around pregnant women, and can complain or vent as needed.

What complicates this is that I am the facilitator. It's not hard- as I said before, I did a one hour web training by RESOLVE, and I monitor the email account. I send out reminders of the meetings, and I loosely moderate the meetings (mainly just introduce myself and get us started). I want the group to continue, so last night I asked for volunteers to take over. Two women are interested in co-facilitating, so it looks like that might work out.

It's going to be hard not to have this group in my life. I know I am leaving for the best possible reason- pregnancy- but I am mourning this loss a little bit too. I met so many wonderful women and made these friendships that literally saved me from isolation and giving up. I still have these friends and expect to continue to email and see them regularly, but it's weird to have crossed to the other side so suddenly. I found so much fulfillment from the group and helping it thrive. Last night I brought cookies and leftover meds and everyone seemed genuinely happy for me, but already I found it hard to listen, to feel again the pain and yearning that I was immersed in for so many years and that isn't gone, but certainly isn't an open wound to me anymore. It is hard.

Of course I am not even six weeks along, so the future is uncertain. But it seems like the right time to say goodbye to the group, as bittersweet as that is.

Most Depressing Post Ever

This morning I found out that I am not pregnant. 

I thought today couldn't get any worse, but suddenly, everything has. 

We have been kicked out of the Attain program. We get $9000 back.

B has announced that he is done with medical intervention and the doctors, tests, treatments, and drugs. If we want to continue another round of IVF, we'll have to use our whole $9000 refund plus a lot more for a single cycle and drugs and ICSI, and then only have a 50/50 chance anyway. With the not so good outcomes of both of my cycles so far (low egg count, low fertilization even with ICSI, and nothing to freeze either time, never even made it to day 3 transfer, etc.), he says it's wiser to take the $9000 refund and put it towards adoption, which is a safer bet than another $10,000 plus on a 50/50 chance at best. 

I think, logically, he is correct. But I am in shock. I had forgotten Attain could kick us out, and never really considered what it would mean.

I am not sure how someone processes these thoughts, so I have decided to do nothing for the time being. I just never considered how it would feel to Stop. Like, I will never, ever get "accidentally" pregnant when we stop "trying" because I am going back on the pill and never coming off of it, which is what my doctor recommends due to my endometriosis. So, this is it, perhaps.

Not sure there is anything that can be said, but I guess the adoption people coming to our Tuesday RESOLVE meeting could not have picked better timing when it comes to me.

Worst. Day. Ever. 

First Night of Stims (Round Two)

I woke up this morning to amazing news. K is pregnant! She is my good friend that I met through RESOLVE, and I've been talking to her and hanging out together throughout her entire cycle. I have been hoping and hoping things would work out for her, and they did! Sometimes it is hard to believe that IVF works for anyone, with all the months I've met women struggling with infertility, but K had success her very first try. I am slightly jealous, but more just totally happy and overjoyed for her and her husband. It's so wonderful for someone to have good news for once. Yay for her!

She is totally convinced it's a good omen for me, and last weekend while visiting B's friends in Brooklyn, Stacey was sure that being pooped on by a bird (!) and being around all the preggers people in her neighborhood would somehow wear off on me. Hm! I don't know about that, but I'll take what I can get.

Tonight was the first night of stims. I don't know if I will be on here as much as in last cycle. I feel less hopeful, but then again, K's positive today has sparked something in me again. I definitely feel less nervous, since I've done all this before and there aren't any surprises or fears that I had my first cycle. I will just do what I'm supposed to do, and hope and pray that it works. And if not, well, I have one more fresh cycle at least. Sigh.

The whole thing is very tiring. Fertility really does consume so much time and energy. The last month of taking a break has been a relief, though I am ready and grateful to be starting the process again. Here's to a successful second round!

A Bit Better Today

Yesterday morning I was really blue, but the sadness has started to lift a bit. A few reasons for this:

1. The nurse called yesterday afternoon, and was actually friendly and helpful. Not the regular IVF nurse, but someone else. In any case, she told me she is renewing all my prescriptions because Dr. F has given the go-ahead to start the Lupron again in a couple of weeks. We'll talk to him on Friday about scheduling, due to B's trip to Cali and the possible need to delay for one week, but the nurse didn't seem to feel like this will be a major problem or cause a big delay. She said we might be able to start Lupron one week later or stay on it an extra week, or we could talk about freezing B's sperm so he doesn't even have to be there. Another idea B and I discussed is him just flying back Monday night instead of Tuesday night. There are options, and none of them are waiting a whole more month, so I feel much better. It's the waiting that is so hard, but having the broad outlines of a plan and the feeling of getting back on the horse make it all feel more.. pro-active.

2. We went out to a really nice dinner last night, because we had a Groupon that was about to expire. Last week we were way too sad to use it, but we were feeling ready by yesterday. We had drinks and dinner, and managed to get through almost the whole meal without discussing IVF or fertility. Then we came home and for the first time in about a month, felt like going to bed together. We'd been too depressed and preoccupied to really relax until yesterday. It was very nice, and helped me to feel close to B again in a way that I'd almost forgotten about. It's nice to feel like the pre-IVF me sometimes again.

3. A woman from the Resolve group emailed me, as she's about to start her first IVF cycle and would like to get some reassurance, since I just did it. She is also here in my town (most of my group members live further away) and so we're going to get drinks tomorrow evening. It's always nice to feel like I'm not going through this alone, so I'm looking forward to this, and having a new friend that actually understands this in a way that my non-fertility challenged friends and family never can.

I should get back to work now, but I am looking forward to meeting with Dr. F on Friday and getting a real plan. Till then, I'm staying busy with work and friends. It's going to be okay... and maybe the second time is the charm.

Big Medication Mess-Up

We had a pretty rough time yesterday.

First, at work I learned that my estrogen levels were too low. We bumped up my dosage of the Follistim, and I had to re-fill my prescription. Another $508, thankyouverymuch. Thanks, estrogen that didn't rise the way it was supposed to.

Then, I went to the dentist to have a small cavity filled, and learned it's actually going to need a root canal. Wonderful. And I can't get it done for two more weeks. Luckily I am not in pain.

After work, we had trouble with the new Follistim dose. The pen let us dial up to 225 units, even though according to my math there should have only been enough medication for 150 units. This caused me to freak out. I ended up calling a pharmacist, who assured me that if the pen let us dial that much, it was available. It's so weird, but apparently the vials often have overflow. 75 units worth!?!?! The whole pen was only supposed to have 600 units, but it had 675!?!? Bizarre, and utterly mind-boggling. Each vial is $508, by the way. Fun times.

Anyway, once I was calmed down after the pharmacist's reassurance, I got in the car to go to the RESOLVE meeting. And, because nothing could be easy in my life yesterday, the Engine Malfunction light went on. Screw it. I drove to Cary anyway. I made it there, and home, with pouring down rain to boot. The car is going into the shop tomorrow. Sigh. But it's my sister's car so hopefully my dad will pay for the repairs.

And just when I thought it couldn't continue on this way, I watched someone else at the meeting do their Menopur, and something seemed... different. There was also a weird reaction when I was saying how big the needle was for me. At home, before bed, I consulted the instructions sheet. I learned that we've been doing the injections with the wrong needle! Instead of switching to a 1/2 inch needle, we've been using a 1 1/2 inch needle for the last four nights! No wonder it hurt so much!!! I was really, really upset- like all out, bawling. I'd been doing an intramuscular injection rather than a subcutaneous, and I was terrified that it might have messed up my cycle or my dosage. I was angry at the pharmacy for it's confusing packaging and lack of labelling, UNC for not having a real medication class ("just watch the videos"), myself for missing the instructions, and the nurse for the terribly written instructions. HANDWRITING a 1 1/2 so that it looked like   a 1/2 is really inexcusable.

Well, to finish this up, I talked to the nurse today and she just acted like I'm dumb, which infuriated me. This is REALLY complex for someone with no experience mixing and administering medications, and they really could have made this easier, for the THIRTEEN THOUSAND DOLLARS we're paying for this damn thing. You know?

Anyway, no harm is done, other than my very sore belly. For the next few nights, I've been told to let my tummy recover, and use the thigh for a while.

Tomorrow is my first ultrasound since starting the meds, and more bloodwork. I hope to have good news.

My Heart Breaks For Her

Email from a RESOLVE friend just now: Just wanted all of you to know beta was negative.  G & I are absolutely devistated.  

I felt tears welling up, sitting here at my desk at work. I'm not even on hormones anymore and I still wanted to bawl.

If anyone deserves a baby, this couple does. They are so nice and would be such good parents and would love a baby so much. They are only 38 and have been trying for something like 4 years, and this was the second of the two package deal they bought, so perhaps it was their last try. 

It's just awful. It makes me continue to doubt any hand of God in our day to day lives. It shakes this faith I thought I had. Maybe God does exist, but there is no way that God is involved in such minutae, or this wouldn't be allowed to happen, such sorrow and wanting for something we have no control over, and something that supposedly is our nature given right. It's just not fair. 

I know murder and cancer aren't fair either, I know all that.

As B pointed out on the radio show last night, one thing that makes this so hard is that if you have cancer, you rally support from those around you. When you have infertility, you don't tell people, and you end up feeling alone and isolated. You also have the financial woes that are worse than anyone can even imagine. Again, this is not worse than cancer, it's just a different thing, and it's still not fair and not right.

The radio show last night also made me continue to question the path I've started down. Would adoption have been kinder, to my body and my soul and the planet? Would we have a child sooner? Would we have a wonderful family, built from love even though not genetics? Am I going to poison myself with IVF, if we continue the path this fall?

Anyway, this is a mix of ramblings and I should get back to work. 

I want to get pregnant naturally this spring/summer, and I hope that my RESOLVE friend finds peace in this difficult time. My heart hurts for her. 

Temp up, whew!

Feeling much better today. My temp spiked up to a normal level. I'm still pretty sure that Monday was dpo 1, and today is day 3, because Monday was over the cover line, and I did have that positive ovulation test on Friday night. Also, online sources and the TCOYF book both say that a slow rise can be perfectly normal. The women in the RESOLVE support group last night also said they've had slow rises and it's fine, especially on a new medication. So, I think I can relax about it. I'll still keep temping, since this is my first Femara cycle, but I am not too worried anymore. I won't bother to go in for a progesterone test.

As mentioned above, I attended my very first RESOLVE support group meeting last night. It was in Raleigh and there were about 6 other women and 3 husbands. Some of them were in their late 30s, some were closer to my age. Most have been through or are trying IVF, one person hasn't done anything at all (she has two adopted sons) , one woman is where I am with only meds so far, and one woman was newly pregnant from her third IVF try.

I found it very sad that all these nice woman can't have children and this is what they all want. I could see every single one of them being a wonderful mom, and it just broke my heart to hear their stories. I guess I still have this hope that Femara will work for me and that I won't be in their place, paying tens of thousands for IVF and injecting all those drugs. But I did learn a lot about the process, was reassured that I can switch clinics if I want IVF (it's cheaper at NCCRM than at my clinic), and of course the thing about my slow-rise temps.

It's depressing to acknowledge that I really do have a medical disease- infertility- but I still feel myself setting apart from most of these women. I won't need IVF. Femara is gonna work.... right? Right? Right?