I Almost Became a Medical Error Statistic

When I spoke with the Fellow yesterday, he told me the time to trigger and the time to come to the clinic on Thursday morning. 

Something just didn't seem right.

I worried about it all evening, and today I called the IVF Nurse and apologized for second guessing them, and asked her if this can be right.

WELL I WAS RIGHT

THEY TOLD ME THE WRONG TIME

This could MESSED UP EVERYTHiNG.

Can you imagine, what if I had ovulated early and missed all those good eggs? I am so freaked out just thinking about what almost happened. If I hadn't already done two IVFs and known that it should be 36 hours and not 37, this whole thing could have ended in disaster. And I bet they would have not admitted their mistake either, but just said "Oh well you ovulated early."

I am still shaking just thinking about how badly this could have gone. This does not give me confidence in doctors.

Trigger Day!

I haven't updated in awhile, not sure why. I've been emailing with friends to share my progress, and keeping track of it all in my little blue book (which Dr. M asked me about yesterday, as I was frantically writing down follicle sizes during my ultrasound- he probably thinks I am a totally neurotic weirdo). Here is my little blue book that goes everywhere with me nowadays:

And here is one page from inside, with my estradiol readings from all three of my IVF cycles:

Now, to sum up the past 4 days: on Friday we went in for an 8:45 appointment, where we saw that my follicles were continuing to grow but I was not showing a whole lot of improvement. I had 4-5 follicles measuring around 10mm. My lining was 6, which is thin but not terrible. I was disappointed, but later we learned my estrogen had doubled- which is a good sign. But it was still low, just 191, and you can see from the chart above that it was much higher my first cycle. 

We went back Sunday, and saw some improvement. My lining had gone up to 7, which is much better. Ideal for implantation is anything over 7, though somewhat higher is even better. As for follicles, they had really improved: I had six ones over 10mm, and two at 8.5mm, and about 4 under. They said I was getting very close. My lead follicle was 15.5*13, with some 13s and 11s. My estrogen came in at 489, which was a big step up from Friday. We were asked to come back again the next day to see about triggering.

So, we came back Monday, and things were looking even better. Lining was at 8.3, and I had a couple of follicles at 18 and 18.5 (lead one at 18.5*13.5), and a total of seven over 10mm, with six of those over 12mm. My estradiol came back at 765- a big jump, considering it was only 24 hours, not 48 hours like the others. 

To sum it all up, we decided to keep me on one more night of meds, but we dropped my Follistim to half what it has been. This morning was my last Ganerelix shot, and tonight I trigger at 7 pm. I go in for retrieval at 7:30 am on Thursday. Transfer will be Sunday.

I'm feeling really positive, much better than at the start of this cycle. This different protocol has led to similar results as my first cycle, but way, way better than my second cycle. Of course we won't know anything definite till retrieval, but I feel hope again. I also feel weepy- but that, of course, is mostly my high estrogen levels. I also want chocolate! And cookies! All the time! But I am trying to control myself  :)

In other news, my 97 year old granny is nearing the end. My mom just sent me this email, which is so sad. I had to put my head down and cry at work for a couple of minutes, but it's also such a sweet email too. My mom is wonderful and I hope I end up making this come true: 

"End of life is a very difficult thing.  I am hoping that the end of my mother's life will coincide with the start of my granchild's life.  Wouldn't that be a fitting gift of the cosmos? Did you know that you were conceived on my 32 birthday?  That is a cosmic gift too.

I am off to sit with granny for a bit now. 

I love you sooo much. you are wonderful.

xxxx ooo mom

Feeling blue

I know my nurse said not to worry, but I can't help it.

We had friends over for dinner last night and that was a great distraction, but I'm at home today and B is in class till 9:45 pm, so it's a long day on my own. Luckily I have acupuncture soon, and that should help.

Today is also Valentine's and that's depressing, somehow. Everyone is posting adorable photos of their babies on Facebook and I don't think I'll get to have one to hold anytime soon.

Tonight I plan to spend the evening with some leftover squash, my kitty cat, and last week's Downton Abbey episode, which I am looking forward to.

Blah. Hope to get better news tomorrow about my estradiol and follicles. Right now I feel hopeless.

Day 5

This morning we went in for my first check-up since starting stims. It's day 5, which means I've had 4 nights of shots already. I'm on 300 Follistim and 150 Menopur. I feel fine so far. A little tired, but not bad. And that could just be that it's winter, and cold, and I've been very busy lately. 

Anyway, the nurse practitioner just called. She started the call with, "Good news!" And she seemed totally fine with it, but my estradiol (also called E2) is only 88. 

It was 13 last week. She said all that matters is that it's risen.

But I feel funny- I mean, it was 99 on day 4 at my old clinic for my first cycle, and then 44 that second time I did IVF. And this is one day later than they tested at that clinic. So this number is higher than my second cycle, but lower than my first. 

Oh well. Nothing I can do but go back on Friday.

I'm pretty calm this time. I just feel resigned. What will happen will happen. I mean, I want to freak out, but I know it won't help.

The next two days are going to feel very, very slow.

Baseline: Good News & Moving Ahead

Yesterday was baseline, and I have good news about it. I had 16 antral follicles! 14 on the right, and 2 on my lazy left ovary.

For comparison, my first IVF cycle I had 11 total, and my second cycle I had 8. So this is actually DOUBLE what I had my last cycle.

Now, I know that antral follicle counts do not necessarily have a direct correlation with success of a cycle, or quality of the embryos that will be formed. But, having more is certainly better than having less, especially in my low-producer situation. And this webpage is giving me hope: http://www.advancedfertility.com/antralfollicles.htm

I don't know why I have more this time. I know that there is some natural variation that can be expected, and I also wonder if resting for several months has given my ovaries time to recover and heal a bit more.

In any case, I am feeling hopeful again. My last birth control pill was yesterday, B and I both started doxy today, and I start shots on Saturday night. My first ultrasound scan will be next Wednesday. I had a stomach-ache going in yesterday; I can only imagine what a mess I will be next week for the first scan! I have desperate, high hopes that this period of resting, my higher antral follicle count, and the new drug protocol (Antagonist) at my new clinic will all work to make this a successful cycle.

Starting Over: IVF Class

So we went to our new clinic today. I am feeling pretty good about it. I mean, not happy to have to start this all over again OBVIOUSLY, but everyone at the clinic is really, really nice. The class today was so well run, with the whole packet of clear instructions. Afterwards I got to sit down and go over meds and dates. It's SO different and easy and clear, when compared to the mess that was my old clinic. I just can't say enough times how glad I am that we switched. 

Anyway, this is my tentative schedule:

-stay on birth control till Tuesday, February 5th. Go in for baseline that day, and take last pill that night

-start shots on Saturday, February 9th

-monitoring visits on Wednesday Feb. 13th, Friday Feb. 15th, and Sunday Feb. 17th

-retrieval probably sometime Tuesday-Thursday, Feb. 19th-21st 

I will write more about this soon, but for now I am just trying to enjoy life before the hectic schedule of shots and appointments starts again.

Finally: Cycle Day 1

Finally, at long last, I got my period today. A 41 day cycle was quite enough, thank you very much. It's good to be moving on.

Unfortunately, I can't move quite as quickly as I'd like to. My clinic wants me to start birth control on Friday (cycle day 3), and stay on it 2-3 weeks. Despairing of ever seeing my period soon, I had already booked a flight to see my parents the first weekend in February. I'm not opposed to delaying that (thank goodness for no change fees on Southwest), if the clinic will let me start shots on February 2nd. If not, I will start on February 9th. The later date puts me at risk of missing a work trip on February 22nd, and also I just have ants in my pants and don't even want to wait one more week, but we'll see.

B and I have to go in next Tuesday morning for an "IVF Class." Ha. I could practically teach the damn class, after having already done two cycles. But, we will go. They said we need to do some more labs anyway.

Better Today

Yesterday morning was rough, but things got better after that.

Duke called, and my lab results all are normal, although I won't find out AMH, probably the most important one, till Friday. That's basically a test of ovarian reserve. Mine has always been great, but I'm curious to see how it is now, considering my somewhat crappy embryo quality from my past two IVF cycles.

But what really cheered me up was a long walk in the woods with K and her dog. Having someone to talk to, who has been through this and reacts similarly to myself, is the best thing ever. It's gonna be hard once she moves away. I know, there is still email. Anyway, she reassured me that freaking out at the doctor's is totally normal, and that I shouldn't feel bad for having been so nervous.

Also, later in the day, I went to the support group, and B told me that her hydro was painful too. She just had downplayed it to me so I wouldn't get too nervous. Ummm. Not sure if that was helpful or not, but whatever, it's done.

Support group last night was nice. There were a bunch of new people and it was good to meet them. It's kind of scary when I am the most veteran member there. Well, B and H have been coming longer, but neither of them is about to start her 3rd IVF. I tried not to talk too much. I think many of those women honestly think IUI is going to get them pregnant, or maybe their first IVF, if they even have to get there. And good luck to them. I hope it does. I'm just jaded from my own experiences.

Anyway, only two more workdays and then I'm off on vacation! Now that the doctor's appointment is over, I can focus on that. The plan is to wait and get my period (probably around January 12th, if I have another 38 day cycle. Then two weeks of birth control takes to about January 26th, at which point I can start shots again. So, for now, I just go on vacation, and try to forget all about my fertility. I'm not even bothering charting/temping/fertility sex/blah blah blah- just going to enjoy my vacation and break from real life. I am looking forward to the next month.

Hydo Sono Hell

Today was the dreaded hydro sonogram (water sono or 3-D sono, it seems to have several names). I had been assured by a few people that it wasn't too bad, and not nearly as bad as the HSG. Well, that's great for them, but for me it was not fun. Not at all. I was so nervous. Too nervous. My cervix cramped up and he had to try a couple of times to get the catheter in, and it kept cramping. I was sweating and thought I would either throw up or pass out. I wouldn't say the cramping was as bad as the HSG, but for me, it was close. Dr. M seemed to think I was a wimp. He said I have to relax for transfer, and that's very important. I felt bad because I've had three transfers (including mock) and never felt anything. Why was this so much worse? Same catheter, right? I'm confused and feel crampy still. Was it all psychological, because I was nervous? I feel like I did something wrong by being so nervous.

Also disappointing: their computers were down. So he couldn't give me any test results from last Friday. Or talk about the plan. All I know is that I have to finish this cycle (another 30 or so days, if it's like last time) and then do 2 or 3 weeks of birth control, then I can start. That puts me at starting stimming in mid to late January, which is fine. But I was hoping we could have sat down and talked about it, and dosages, etc. But no. He just said to call Mia, the IVF coordinator, in a few days. Um I think I will call tomorrow. I'm sure their computers will be up by then. They have to call me later anyway, to get the co-pay since the system was down.

So, bad morning, cried a bunch on the way home, still a tad bit crampy but it's fading. I had B drop me at home and I'm going to read and maybe nap later. Tonight is the support group and I have to talk about guidelines. What a crappy day. Life feels really unfair right about now, and really overwhelming.

Hello, Old Frenemy

Been in a horrible slump the last few days, but late last night my old frenemy (friend/enemy), my period, decided to finally return (day 38 of my cycle!).

Never been so happy to see it in my life.

I now have two appointments scheduled at my new clinic: day 3 bloodwork and baseline ultrasound on Friday morning, and the dreaded water sonogram next Tuesday morning. I think I can do the Friday stuff alone, but of course B will come with me to the Tuesday appointment, where he will actually meet my new doctor and hopefully we will talk about the protocol for starting in January.

I am crampy and bloated and so, so happy to have gotten my period, and just hoping that I am cyst-free and can start as scheduled. What a huge relief.

Also, I feel kinda desperate, but I did call and schedule acupuncture sessions. I am starting in January, with three Thursday mornings set up. I would have liked to begin sooner, but we're leaving for our trip in 10 days, and it's just too crazy to try to do it now. I did not like my last experience with acupuncture, but most of it was the guy. This is all women, and a woman in my support group said they are great. They also work with my new clinic, which is nice. If I want to have a post-transfer session right at the clinic, they will do that. I don't know that I believe in it, and the studies are still contradictory at best, but perhaps it will help. Even if it can mitigate my anxiety during a cycle, that would be great. It's super expensive, but what part of this isn't. I guess it is worth a try. Whatever I can do differently this time, I will do. Hope this can be lucky #3.

ISO: My Period

Today is day 38 of my cycle. I am not kidding. Where, where, WHERE has my period gone?

I have only had one non-medicated cycle since my endo surgery last March, and it was 26 days. So I expected maybe a 28 or 30 day cycle... but 38 days!?!? Wtf?

If I don't get my period on day 46 or before (next Wednesday or before, and today is Tuesday), I'm screwed. It means that if I can't get my day 3 bloodwork and my water sono done before we leave next Friday for Ecuador, then I will get my period while we are gone, be unable to have the tests done, and then have to go a whole extra cycle before doing. So another 40 or more days, then do the testing, and then finish out that 40 plus day cycle. Basically, I won't be able to do IVF till March or so. I was supposed to be able to start in January, and this means an extra six weeks or more.

When I realized this, after calling the clinic and asking if there isn't anything they can do (answer: no), I had another meltdown and ended up crying in the conference room at work. B had to come get me and we went for a walk so I could calm down.

Why can't I ever get a break? It's bad enough that I have to have 8 failed Clomid cycles, 2 failed IVFs, an invasive laparoscopic surgery, endometriosis, and now I can't even have my period come in a reasonable amount of time. Day 38!?!?

I feel like I might lost all my sanity if I think about this anymore. If my period does not come by next Wednesday, I really am going to lose it.

Day 32

Day 32 of my cycle and no period. WTF? I used to have long cycles, but I thought the endo surgery would help correct that. I've only done one natural cycle since then, and it was only 26 days. I wimped out and took a pregnancy test two days ago, and of course it was negative. So now I don't know what to do except wait, and see. If I still don't get it by Saturday, I can test again, but I'm sure it will come. It would be a miracle, an absolute miracle, if I got pregnant before starting this whole IVF mess again, but miracles don't happen to me anymore. Not when it comes to my fertility.

I really just don't understand. If my long cycles and delayed ovulation were my endo, then what's the deal now, post-surgery? What is wrong with me? If we thought maybe it was mainly B's confused sperm, which the tests show being borderline for forward motility and the one non-ICSI IVF confirmed an abysmal fertilization rate, then this long cycle shows that isn't it either. My egg quality sucked during the IVFs but I thought maybe I was over-suppressed. I just don't understand. Everything else about me is so healthy, and I eat well and exercise and I wouldn't say I am under undue stress. Aughh!

In other fertility news, I am still the de facto coordinator of the RESOLVE support group, and still wondering how to handle the problem we had last meeting with a new person. Today I talked to a woman at the national headquarters, about our "difficult" new person. She talked/complained about her children (three of them! for real) and bragged about her 100% insurance coverage (and adoption coverage too). I am nervous to talk to her before the next meeting, but it has to be done. We don't want anyone to feel uncomfortable, and she really dominated the group. Not okay. Hopefully she will not come back, or has found support some other way. Sigh.

Anyway, for now I will continue life as usual, just waiting for my period, hoping it won't come, but wishing it would soon if it's gonna. I'm terrified of the water sonogram but just want to get it over with too. Also, we leave for Ecuador in two and a half weeks (exciting!) and I'd like to have our January plan set up before then.

I can't believe it's been two years. I should have a baby in my arms now, but no. It's just me, my distracted husband, and my spoiled kitty cat. Same old, same old. Not feeling very cheerful today.

Not good

Just sent this to my support group friends, and didn't see a need to write anything new for this blog. I think this about sums it up:

As you all know, my day 4 estrogen was only 42. Last cycle, it was 99, and the clinic wants to see it 150 or above. 

We upped my dose from 225 to 375 units of Follistim. That comes to... oh, $350 a night, not including any other drug. Fun.

Well I went in today for another check at 7:30 am and they JUST called back, and I'm still only at 120 estrogen. Not good. I knew it wasn't good when they hadn't called me all day.

They don't want me to come back till Sunday, when we will check again and decide whether to cancel the cycle or not. I only have 8 antral follicles and last time I had 11 at this time. Things are looking pretty bad. Meanwhile, I get to spend another $1000 on the Follistim. I wonder if I lose one of my Attain "tries" even if this is cancelled?

The whole thing totally sucks and there is nothing I can do. Sunday seems a long way off. Happy weekend to me. 

I have nothing positive to say. That's my update. My body hates me.

Day 5: Not a Good Day

Yesterday I got bad news. At 3:45 pm, the nurse FINALLY called me back with my blood work (probably though  not definitely because I sent a worried email to her right before that). Since I started on 225 IU of Follistim, instead of 175 like last cycle, I assumed my estrogen would be higher than 99, which is what it was last time. They like to see it 150 or above.

Well, it wasn't higher. In fact, despite my higher dosage, it was pathetically lower. Only 44. 44! How could that be??? I almost cried on the phone with the nurse, but she was short with me and not helpful. I went to K's house and it was good to see her and to go to the RESOLVE support group, but I was distressed all night long. I cried and yelled at B several times on the phone (he was still out of town; he came home very late last night/early this morning).

After a much interrupted night of sleep, due to B coming in at 5 am, the cat's usual nonsense, and my inability to fall back asleep due to nerves, I couldn't take it anymore at 1 pm and finally emailed Dr. F. He reassured me by writing: "Thank you for your message.  I am sorry that the test result yesterday upset you so.  Yes, it was a bit lower than expected, based on your pattern of response not so long ago, but certainly there also are fluctuations and variations from cycle to cycle.  Please understand that the whole purpose of the day 4 estrogen level is to afford us an early opportunity to intervene and adjust where necessary to optimize your overall response to stimulation.  Needless to say, I will look forward to seeing what your visit reveals tomorrow, but I honestly believe that the likelihood of recommending a cycle cancellation tomorrow is very small.  I fully expect your estrogen level to rise significantly and will be quite surprised if it does not. 

I hope that this information is helpful to you.  I look forward to seeing the outcome of your visit tomorrow." [my emphasis added]

So I calmed down after that. I just keep repeating to myself, "the likelihood of recommending a cycle cancellation tomorrow is very small." That has to be my mantra if I am going to get any sleep tonight and not have a total stomach ache when I get up in the morning. Luckily, my appointment is at 7:30 am, so I don't have long to wait.

In other news, K's beta doubled! She is really pregnant! I am so happy and relieved for her. This IVF thing really does work for some people....

Round 2, Day 4, Down in the Dumps

I've had three nights of the stims so far. My belly is sore. Much more than last time, or maybe I just don't remember it. Worse, I'm not doing very well. I'm much more emotional and depressed and hopeless than last cycle. I guess last time I was super hopeful and nervous, and the adrenaline kept me going. This time, after one failure, I am slogging through it, not feeling motivated and buoyed by hope. Just depressed and bitter and angry and sad.

It doesn't help that B has been in California since Friday morning. I've been alone since then, and staying busy with friends, but it's not the same kind of support. I am thrilled that K is pregnant, and we're emailing still, and even went for a walk on Sunday, but her pregnancy has made me more despondent about my own failure last time, and worried that if I don't have success this time, I won't have the support that I've had from her going through this the same time as me.

I did my day 4 bloodwork this morning and I'm waiting somewhat anxiously for them to call back. Hopefully the higher dose of Follistim to start will have made a difference and I'll have some more eggs this time. But it's really the ICSI that we need to work. That was really our problem last time (or so we think).

I'm just so weepy all the time. I read a magazine, I watch a movie, and I'm bawling all over myself. I'm having trouble sleeping because I can't turn my brain off from running in the same negative circles. I'm getting more upset about other things that wouldn't bother me quite as much. I think it's a mixture of emotions I'd be having anyway on a second IVF, plus the hormone swings from all the drugs. I have to remember that I am on a higher dose this time, and two weeks of Lupron at this point as well.

So, waiting on bloodwork, support group tonight, then B gets home very late. I'm glad he'll be back to be with me for the second half of the stims, and I hope that this cycle is the one for us. I don't know how I will get out of bed from now on if it is not. I really don't.

See? I'm hopeless and melodramatic. I realize it, but I feel unmotivated to try to be any different. Blegh.

First Night of Stims (Round Two)

I woke up this morning to amazing news. K is pregnant! She is my good friend that I met through RESOLVE, and I've been talking to her and hanging out together throughout her entire cycle. I have been hoping and hoping things would work out for her, and they did! Sometimes it is hard to believe that IVF works for anyone, with all the months I've met women struggling with infertility, but K had success her very first try. I am slightly jealous, but more just totally happy and overjoyed for her and her husband. It's so wonderful for someone to have good news for once. Yay for her!

She is totally convinced it's a good omen for me, and last weekend while visiting B's friends in Brooklyn, Stacey was sure that being pooped on by a bird (!) and being around all the preggers people in her neighborhood would somehow wear off on me. Hm! I don't know about that, but I'll take what I can get.

Tonight was the first night of stims. I don't know if I will be on here as much as in last cycle. I feel less hopeful, but then again, K's positive today has sparked something in me again. I definitely feel less nervous, since I've done all this before and there aren't any surprises or fears that I had my first cycle. I will just do what I'm supposed to do, and hope and pray that it works. And if not, well, I have one more fresh cycle at least. Sigh.

The whole thing is very tiring. Fertility really does consume so much time and energy. The last month of taking a break has been a relief, though I am ready and grateful to be starting the process again. Here's to a successful second round!

Second Try

Last night I took my first Lupron shot. We're starting again. It's been four weeks since my negative pregnancy test. It's been a nice break, but I'm also ready to start again.

If we don't have success this time, I don't know what I will do. I really don't.

Things that we're doing differently:
-higher dosage of Follistim, right to start
-ICSI!!!
-I'm taking the whole week off of work during the retrieval/transfer time. I might work at home a couple of those days, but I am not going into the office. I will stay home and rest and try to be peaceful.

Probably the ICSI will make the biggest difference.

A Bit Better Today

Yesterday morning I was really blue, but the sadness has started to lift a bit. A few reasons for this:

1. The nurse called yesterday afternoon, and was actually friendly and helpful. Not the regular IVF nurse, but someone else. In any case, she told me she is renewing all my prescriptions because Dr. F has given the go-ahead to start the Lupron again in a couple of weeks. We'll talk to him on Friday about scheduling, due to B's trip to Cali and the possible need to delay for one week, but the nurse didn't seem to feel like this will be a major problem or cause a big delay. She said we might be able to start Lupron one week later or stay on it an extra week, or we could talk about freezing B's sperm so he doesn't even have to be there. Another idea B and I discussed is him just flying back Monday night instead of Tuesday night. There are options, and none of them are waiting a whole more month, so I feel much better. It's the waiting that is so hard, but having the broad outlines of a plan and the feeling of getting back on the horse make it all feel more.. pro-active.

2. We went out to a really nice dinner last night, because we had a Groupon that was about to expire. Last week we were way too sad to use it, but we were feeling ready by yesterday. We had drinks and dinner, and managed to get through almost the whole meal without discussing IVF or fertility. Then we came home and for the first time in about a month, felt like going to bed together. We'd been too depressed and preoccupied to really relax until yesterday. It was very nice, and helped me to feel close to B again in a way that I'd almost forgotten about. It's nice to feel like the pre-IVF me sometimes again.

3. A woman from the Resolve group emailed me, as she's about to start her first IVF cycle and would like to get some reassurance, since I just did it. She is also here in my town (most of my group members live further away) and so we're going to get drinks tomorrow evening. It's always nice to feel like I'm not going through this alone, so I'm looking forward to this, and having a new friend that actually understands this in a way that my non-fertility challenged friends and family never can.

I should get back to work now, but I am looking forward to meeting with Dr. F on Friday and getting a real plan. Till then, I'm staying busy with work and friends. It's going to be okay... and maybe the second time is the charm.

Trigger Day!

Today has been very emotional. We woke up and went to the doctor for another 8 am appointment, and as usual, had to wait for about 45 minutes to see anyone. It makes me so mad. Why not tell half of the women to come at 8 am and half of us at 8:30? My clinic has serious issues and doesn't care about wasting our time at all.

Anyway, we finally got to the ultrasound and Dr. F said today is the day! I was surprised- I really thought we'd go one more day. I have one 16.5 or 17.5 follicle on the left, lazy side, and 9 follicles on the right: from 11.5 to 18.5. At least 4-6 that were of really good size.

I asked about my bum left ovary, and the Fellow said that it's really poorly performing, but it might not in the future. She said there is no real good data on how long to wait for an ovary to recover. But she said that having 9 good ones on my right is amazing, since even with a 21 year old donor they'd be happy with 18 follicles, which is what I'd have if my left side were working. So, at least I am a good responder, once they adjusted my Follistim anyway.

My bloodwork came back a little low, at 1575 for the estrogen. But they still want to do this. I met with the Fellow and received instructions. Tonight at 11 pm we give me the trigger, the HCG shot. No more stims. Nothing tomorrow at all, but Tuesday I go in at 9 am for the retrieval.

I've been very emotional, which the blood draw nurse said is to be expected. My estrogen is high, as well as all the other hormones coursing through me. But, mostly, I think I'm just freaked out that it's actually time. We're actually here, at retrieval. As scary as all the shots were and the early ultrasounds, soon it will be all over, and it will just be waiting to see how the eggs fertilize or not. And then, just as scary, waiting to see if any implant and I'm pregnant in two weeks and two days from now.

I can do this. I can get through this. And I can do it again, if I have to.

Getting Close!

Today is Saturday, but we had to go in at 8 am for another ultrasound and bloodtest. We're getting so close! My follicles have grown to be between 11 and 15.5 mm, and I have 8 on my right ovary, and only 1 on my left ovary. My left ovary is not cooperating, probably due to trauma from the endo and the surgery I had in March. But the one follicle there is one of the biggest, at 15.5 mm. I think there are a couple that size on the right ovary too.

My estrogen has also soared, from 362 on Thursday to 1187 today. Wow! Quite a jump, though he says it is consistent with the growth of the ovaries.

They want to see me again tomorrow at 8 am. Either tomorrow or Monday will be trigger day, which means tonight could be my last night of meds. Or tomorrow night. I have a feeling we'll go one more day, but who knows. I could have a growth spurt tonight or something.  It would be nice if tomorrow is it, because I could save that $500 vial of Follistim I bought. I could use it next cycle (if there has to be one) or make a very nice gift of it to someone in my support group.

Dr. F says I am low in the number of follicles, since my left ovary is mostly out of the picture. However, he didn't seem concerned. Since I am young, he thinks we'll get good eggs from the follicles I do have. He said the minimum they'd want is 4 to do a retrieval, and I do have 9 decently sized ones. So I am feeling quite happy and grateful and hopeful.

Please, please, please. I have been through so much this past 18 months. A year and a half of getting my hopes up every month, 8 months of Clomid and 2 of Femara, one laparoscopy surgery, one cancelled IVF cycle, and now an almost complete IVF cycle. Please, let me be pregnant from this.