Better Today

Yesterday morning was rough, but things got better after that.

Duke called, and my lab results all are normal, although I won't find out AMH, probably the most important one, till Friday. That's basically a test of ovarian reserve. Mine has always been great, but I'm curious to see how it is now, considering my somewhat crappy embryo quality from my past two IVF cycles.

But what really cheered me up was a long walk in the woods with K and her dog. Having someone to talk to, who has been through this and reacts similarly to myself, is the best thing ever. It's gonna be hard once she moves away. I know, there is still email. Anyway, she reassured me that freaking out at the doctor's is totally normal, and that I shouldn't feel bad for having been so nervous.

Also, later in the day, I went to the support group, and B told me that her hydro was painful too. She just had downplayed it to me so I wouldn't get too nervous. Ummm. Not sure if that was helpful or not, but whatever, it's done.

Support group last night was nice. There were a bunch of new people and it was good to meet them. It's kind of scary when I am the most veteran member there. Well, B and H have been coming longer, but neither of them is about to start her 3rd IVF. I tried not to talk too much. I think many of those women honestly think IUI is going to get them pregnant, or maybe their first IVF, if they even have to get there. And good luck to them. I hope it does. I'm just jaded from my own experiences.

Anyway, only two more workdays and then I'm off on vacation! Now that the doctor's appointment is over, I can focus on that. The plan is to wait and get my period (probably around January 12th, if I have another 38 day cycle. Then two weeks of birth control takes to about January 26th, at which point I can start shots again. So, for now, I just go on vacation, and try to forget all about my fertility. I'm not even bothering charting/temping/fertility sex/blah blah blah- just going to enjoy my vacation and break from real life. I am looking forward to the next month.

Hydo Sono Hell

Today was the dreaded hydro sonogram (water sono or 3-D sono, it seems to have several names). I had been assured by a few people that it wasn't too bad, and not nearly as bad as the HSG. Well, that's great for them, but for me it was not fun. Not at all. I was so nervous. Too nervous. My cervix cramped up and he had to try a couple of times to get the catheter in, and it kept cramping. I was sweating and thought I would either throw up or pass out. I wouldn't say the cramping was as bad as the HSG, but for me, it was close. Dr. M seemed to think I was a wimp. He said I have to relax for transfer, and that's very important. I felt bad because I've had three transfers (including mock) and never felt anything. Why was this so much worse? Same catheter, right? I'm confused and feel crampy still. Was it all psychological, because I was nervous? I feel like I did something wrong by being so nervous.

Also disappointing: their computers were down. So he couldn't give me any test results from last Friday. Or talk about the plan. All I know is that I have to finish this cycle (another 30 or so days, if it's like last time) and then do 2 or 3 weeks of birth control, then I can start. That puts me at starting stimming in mid to late January, which is fine. But I was hoping we could have sat down and talked about it, and dosages, etc. But no. He just said to call Mia, the IVF coordinator, in a few days. Um I think I will call tomorrow. I'm sure their computers will be up by then. They have to call me later anyway, to get the co-pay since the system was down.

So, bad morning, cried a bunch on the way home, still a tad bit crampy but it's fading. I had B drop me at home and I'm going to read and maybe nap later. Tonight is the support group and I have to talk about guidelines. What a crappy day. Life feels really unfair right about now, and really overwhelming.

Annoyance, and Waiting

I really enjoy a class at my gym called Body Pump. I like to go on Sunday afternoons, but sometimes my weekends get really busy and I end up missing the class. They offer a Monday evening Pump, and I used to attend that one sometimes.

Till about three or four months ago, due to the instructor. She is about my age, maybe younger, and had to mention EVERY song how she is pregnant. I mean, she was like 7 months pregnant at the time. It was OBVIOUS she was huge, yet she had to chirp before every song, "Well I won't be doing this move the same way as y'all, because I'M PREGNANT." Or "This move is really hard for me because I'M PREGNANT." UMMMM DUHHHH. I didn't mind seeing her pregnant belly, but hearing about it 10 times in an hour was too much for me. I quit going.

So months have gone by, and I figured she'd either be on maternity leave or be back to teaching again, post-baby. I went to the class last night, and there she was, no pregnant belly. Great! Except as luck would have it, it was her first class back at the gym after having her baby. And she had to mention it not once, not twice, but again, almost EVERY song. "This one is sooo hard because I didn't do it the whole time I was pregnant" or "Gosh this is nice again, after it was so hard while I was pregnant." I can understand one or two comments, but continuously? She never complained about pregnancy, so at least there was that. But omg, she had to TELL US her birthing details. NO ONE ASKED. She told us it took 3 hours, it was uncomplicated, no medical intervention, and she had a midwife. Like I give a flying fuck. Also, I learned that it was her second baby! For all the obsessive talking about BEING PREGNANT she used to do, I had assumed it was her first one. Geez.

In any case, now I know to definitely avoid the Monday class for a while longer. I wish there were a way to complain, but there really isn't. Sadly, although she is annoying as hell, it's a case of where it's me, not her, that is the issue.

In other news, I have no news. Today is day 24 of my cycle. I have been very bad. We tried conception sex every other day from day 13 to day 20, but I've still kept drinking. I never have been a huge drinker, but lately I've been upping it. I've had between 1 and 3 glasses of wine each night for the past two weeks, probably leaning more towards the 3 glasses. I used to not drink after ovulation, but frankly, the chances of it happening are so slim that I have pretty much given up. However, I probably should stop soon, just in case.

Anyway, I should get my period within the next week or so, and then I call Duke to set up blood test and the water sonogram thing (hydrosonogram?). I was terrified of it, but B, another woman in my support group, has reassured me a bit, as she just had hers at UNC today. I think I will take some Percocet and practice controlled breathing and try to get through it that way.

Will update again once I have news of my period and the next steps.