Waiting Game

Another month, another time of getting my hopes up, and another disappointment headed my way. Today is 12 dpo and yesterday I developed a mild ache in my lower back, and today I woke up with mild cramps and the continued back pain. Thanks for nothing, endo surgery and Clomid 100 mg. Thanks for nothing.

So, just waiting to get my full-fledged period and then I can call the nurse and get my new Lupron ordered, to start IVF this next cycle. I will follow the same protocol: count to day 20, then come in for bloodwork to see if I've ovulated. I probably will have, so then I start Lupron and wait till my next period comes (about 10 days, probably). That next Saturday, I go for more bloodwork and an ultrasound, and if it's all clear, then I can start the IVF drugs. 8-12 days of those, and then the retrieval. 3-5 days later, the transfer. Then, wait 8-11 days and do a pregnancy test.

I've already been in a terrible mood since last Saturday, and I'm sure it's not going to get much better. Or maybe it will improve, since I'll feel like I'm doing something. I'm just so scared that something will go wrong: that I'll get to baseline again, having taken Lupron for 12 days and been made a crazy lady, and then I'll have a cyst again and have to stop and wait 3 months, or have surgery again. I'm so terrified of that, and it's making me feel hopeless. I had to drag myself upstairs to even do laundry. I'm unmotivated and tired, and going on a record for how long we haven't had sex because I have no interest and am probably depressed. I'm irritable and just.. tired of it all.

But, work is okay, I've already half finished a huge project that isn't even due till later this summer, and my schedule is okay in July if I need to take some time off during the IVF process. While being at work is a good distraction in some ways, I also don't want to cry or break down like I did last time I was taking the Lupron. As a blog entry I wrote on March 19th says, "I just want to go to sleep for the next 4 weeks and not do ANYTHING. I am a disaster that should not be inflicted on the general public."


Anyway, hopefully it will not be that bad this time around. At least I have two weekend trips coming up, to take my mind off of things. One to DC, to see my family and friends. That will be nice. The second one to my husband's cousin's wedding. I am so not in the mood to deal with his little nieces and nephews and my in-laws, and I give myself permission to be quiet, be as bitchy as I want to in my head, and not pressure myself to be Ms. Cheerful.

And hopefully, time will fly, and in a couple of months I will have some happy news to take away from this last year and a half of struggle.

CD 17: Ovulation At Last

So last month, with no Clomid, I got a positive ovulation test on day 16. This month, on Clomid, I expected something more like day 14 or 15. Instead, negative, negative, negative. I've been testing since last Saturday and today is Thursday! Finally, today, day 17, I think I got a positive, but still, I'm not 100% sure. I'll test again when I get home. I think I might have like two test strips left. Which won't matter, because I'm sick of this crap and going to do IVF next cycle. It's already planned for.

Other complications in my life are that I crashed on my scooter a couple of days ago. I'm sore and cut and have a few stitches in my chin. Trying to baby make was pretty much a joke last night (though it was accomplished) and I'm sure tonight will be the same. Bad timing but still worth doing!

In fertility land, the only other news is that I switched my DC flight to three weeks from now, since IVF will consume most of July and I won't be able to leave town then. Also, on Monday (Memorial Day) we went to a cook-out at the home of a couple from my support group. Another couple from the group, and one woman, were also there. It was okay: kind of depressing, as the support group always is, but also nice to see them outside of the hospital meeting room, and to remember not everyone is a fertile myrtle with no problems.

Anyway, I am not temping this month, due to our trip to Seattle and the time zone differences (and my cold last week and the accident this week wouldn't have helped either). So I guess we'll just try for a baby the next couple of nights and then call it quits. And wait for my period. Which always comes.

CD 3, Clomid day 1

I have been tortured for the past two days, debating between sticking to my plan of trying Clomid for a few months or going right to IVF.

I was leaning towards IVF, thinking to just get it over with, and before my endo has a chance to come back. However, the clinic is being awful. If I start now, I'd have to be on Lupron for 26 days instead of the standard 1-2 weeks. I hate UNC so much. Why is it ok to shut down the lab for two whole weeks every month, thereby totally limiting when we can start the stims? I hate UNC and am again debating switching to Cary, despite the longer drive. I just don't know what to do. I already bought $1800 of meds that I might not be able to use if I were to switch clinics.

For now, I am too stressed out, and too pissed off. I popped my first Clomid today, having sort of given up on IVF for this cycle. The nurse is not responding to my emails or calls, as usual.

Oh, and UNC hit me with another $600 bill. I will now have paid $2700 for my one outpatient laparoscopy procedure in March. I am so upset.

Two Weeks Post-Surgery

Two weeks ago today, I had just woken up from the surgery.

I am very glad it's today, and I have most of that healing behind me and not in front of me.

I am still very tired, and have been working partial days most of this week, except today I am working till 4 pm. Then, B and I are driving up to DC to see my family for Passover. I plan to continue resting and sleeping a lot, because I really want to get back to being the normal, energetic me very soon.

In other news, we met with Dr. F yesterday and it was okay. He says the endo was affecting my fertility of course, but how much is anyone's guess. Interestingly, he said endo mainly affects people in anatomic ways, such as my left ovary being full of the endo and the tube being distorted as a result of the ovary. Now that those are fixed as much as they can be, they shouldn't be the issue. However, I am left wondering what else could be wrong. I mean, if it was the endo, shouldn't I have gotten pregnant when we first started trying, right after I quit the pill and before the endo had time to appear? And also, why has my luteal phase been so messed up, if it wasn't the hormonal changes from the endo? I didn't get clear answers to any of this.

What I did leave his office with was a plan. The doctor wants the next two months dedicated to healing, so we'll do nothing in terms of interventions. Once I get my period, I will start charting again (BBT) and using the ovulation kits that I already have, because I want to see how my cycle has or hasn't changed, if the time to ovulation is more normal, and if my luteal phase is appropriate. If it all is, great. We'll try naturally. If it's screwy still, I'll go back on Clomid sometime around June. Either way, naturally or with Clomid, I'll see the doctor again in August if I haven't achieved pregnancy by then, and we'll plan to go ahead with IVF in September.

So, for the next five months, I'm either doing it au natural (plus ovulation kits and BBT) or with Clomid, but sans monitoring and doctor's appointments. I feel relieved, hopeful, and ready for disappointment, all rolled in together.

Failed, Again

Well, I failed my fourth cycle of Clomid. Looks like I'm not going to be getting preggers as easily as we had hoped.

It was disappointing, but not as crushing as some other months. I guess I didn't have high hopes after failing the previous three cycles. I know it's wrong to have these thoughts, but I just don't think I'm getting pregnant without a fight... a lot of money... and IVF.

Speaking of IVF, we have a doctor's appointment with a new doctor. I have always been unhappy with my care from Dr. M and so I've scheduled a visit with Dr. F, who comes highly recommended- and whom I also know from helping with EndNote (for the very book on infertility- if only I'd known...) about three years ago. We'll see if he remembers me. Doesn't really matter either way.

I have a lot of questions for him: mainly, what do we do next? I'm guessing he'll have me finish this 5th cycle of Clomid, maybe do a 6th (since I'll inconveniently be in Mexico for the beginning of this cycle), and then want us to try injections.

I'm not totally opposed to injections... but I also don't want to wait too long and go through this too much longer. We have the money, and as much as we don't want to spend it, I also would rather just do it now than waste time and money on a much less effective treatment.

So, I am anxiously awaiting Friday morning at 9:45. Also, for the first time ever, my husband is actually accompanying me to the visit. I feel like I need the support, and I also want him to hear our options so we can talk about it later, and not always have me relaying all the info. He's not excited about it, but not opposed to it. So, we will see. I hope Dr. F says something like, "Oh let's not waste time on injections. Let's do IVF in January, and we'll get you in the trial so it's half price anyway." Wouldn't that be great?

Calm again

I was really upset last time I posted, on Wednesday night. I think I cried for an hour on Tuesday and Wednesday nights. I went through a bad spell.

I talked to my mom, who talked to her friend Valerie who is a doctor, and Valerie reminded me that Clomid causes massive hormonal changes. It is somewhat reassuring to remember that my mood swings can be partially blamed on the Clomid. It's not all me being crazy. Well, it is, and I have good reason, but the uncontrollable crying is probably due to the Clomid as well.

Anyway, today is 9 dpo and my temp is high and steady. We will see. I know not to hope too much, and I intend to not freak out too much when day 13 is approaching, but we will see. At least I have the new doctor's appointment on December 2nd, just a week after Thanksgiving.

Here's to the next 4 or 5 days bringing me some good news....

Cycle 4: 1 DPO

Finally my temperature rose this morning. In previous months I have ovulated on days 22, 18, and 15, so I expected something before day 15. However, because nothing ever works like it should with me when it comes to fertility, I did not ovulate till day 16 this month. Whatever. Today it was nice and high. That was a huge relief because I was down, really down and depressed, yesterday, and this has cheered me up today. Also, it's Friday and I am going out for Vietnamese food for lunch with a co-worker :)

I am increasingly thinking of switching clinics, but I'm still not sure. I just feel like my doctor doesn't particularly care about my outcomes and therefore isn't invested in trying the best methods or getting the right data to help us make decisions. For instance, I have not EVER, not one single month, seen a good follicle right before ovulation. So this month she said not to even bother coming for monitoring. I feel like I have to research all the protocol myself, like end-of-cycle monitoring and so forth. And many sources say that staying on Clomid after month 4, or even month 3, isn't necessarily worth it. Yet I'm staying on it for 5 months.

I think it's because I'm under 35 so she feels there is no rush. However, I do feel a sense of urgency, especially as we approach the 1 year mark of trying this January. I guess that is still 2 months away... but still, it's really really hard. I want a baby, I want my life to move forward, I want to know the ending to this (part of) the story. I want a baby. Two babies would even be fine! As every single one of my high school and college friends posts new baby announcements on Facebook, it's getting harder and harder as the months go by for me.

Well, all I can do now is try to relax and get through the next 13 or so days. I am due to either get my period- or hopefully miss it- on Thanksgiving Day. Here's hoping, praying, and wishing for some positive news this time.

Clomid, Take 4

So, I failed my third cycle of Clomid. As in, I'm not pregnant.

I had a nasty stomach bug and got confused, along with a very, very light period and continued high temps. But I took a pregnancy test (at home and at the doctor's) and I'm not pregnant, not even a little.

So, on to Round 4 of Clomid. My doctor said we'll give it 5 rounds total and then move on.

Sigh.

Here's hoping- small, feeble, used-to-being-disappointed hope.

It's coming...

Today is 11 dpo. I think I am about to get my period.

Before this morning, I was getting really hopeful. I ovulated on day 15, we perfectly timed sex, this was my third round of Clomid, and my temperatures had reached a third high level for day 8, 9, and 10. I got so excited yesterday that I went to the store and bought an early pregnancy test.

Well, I took it at 6 am today, because that's when I woke up to pee, and it was... negative. Also, my temp fell- not below the coverline, but two tenths of a degree from yesterday. Also, my lower back is hurting.

So, neither the slight dip in temperature nor the negative early pregnancy test are signs of anything for sure- and the backache could totally be from bowling last night- but I'm not feeling hopeful anymore. I feel like this will be all the other months and I'm headed towards my period.

Life feels really, really unfair right now. It's not enough to suffer from infertility for the past 9+ months, but I also flunked out of the first three rounds of Clomid.

If it's not going to work, I wish I could save all this waiting and heartache and just skip to injectables or IVF. I know I still have to keep giving Clomid a chance, but jeezus, I never thought I'd have at least a TWO YEAR wait till I have a baby in my arms. Two years if I'm lucky, is what it's looking like right now.

I'm still hopeful but I'm also already depressed again. I guess now I just wait. I should get my period tomorrow or Tuesday, if it's coming again this month.

Down

I'm feeling really down tonight. I'm doubting I will get pregnant ever, or at least not for a very long time and with lots of intervention. Today is three months after my 31st birthday and we've been trying to conceive for almost 9 months. It sucks that I started trying when I was 30 1/2 and the absolute earliest I could be having a child is when I'm just about 32. And maybe not for a year or more after that, even.

Yet, meanwhile, my husband's sister managed to get pregnant "without even trying" and very likely on the first month she "didn't try" when she was 38. THIRTY-EIGHT. And two of her FORTY year old friends also have newborns. And me? Nothing. All because of my stupid, unresponsive ovaries.

And now, if I can't get pregnant this month, and my cyst is still there, what then? I go off Clomid and have another 45+ day cycle, and THEN MAYBE start Clomid again so wait another 18 days till I ovulate?? So we're talking another 65+ days till I even have a shot at conceiving??

This just feels all so... never-ending. Never, ever ending. I am so sick of months coming and going when I thought I'd be preparing to expect a baby. No one ever warned me it might be this hard.

First post: 9 long months of infertility

After nine long months of trying to get pregnant, I feel like I've had it. I've had it with being positive and trying to "have faith" and acting hopeful all the time. I've had it with taking my temperature and charting and going to endless vaginal ultrasounds at the god awful time of 7:30 am at the hospital. I've had it with peeing in a cup in public bathrooms, being the weird lurker who is sitting in the stall for 5 minutes (while waiting for my ovulation test's 5 minute reaction time) and I've had it with scrutinizing each pee strip to hope, hope, hope that this month I will have an earlier ovulation.

I'm not giving up. I'm still trying. I just have hit a brick wall with feeling good about my fertility and I'm realizing I need better coping methods. Expecting my friends to listen isn't working- they all have newborns. My mom just worries when I don't have good news or at least an upbeat manner. My dad is horrified and doesn't want to talk about it, probably because he feels terrible. And my husband.. well, he's as sad as I am, but he's... very male about this whole thing. He just doesn't really want to talk about it as much as I do. Also, he is a wonderful cheerful positive person who does have faith. And I get sick of being the cynical party pooper who is crying over her (lack of) cervical mucus yet again.

So, I've contacted my old marriage therapist (from back when we first got married and went for a few months as we eased into married life) to ask if I can meet with her about coping strategies. And since I've been obsessively reading others' fertility blogs, I thought I'd try my own and see if it gives me a nice, constructive way to vent. Right now I'm not comfortable sharing it with my friends or giving too many personal details (like, uh, my name) but we'll see how it goes. And of course, I am hoping that this month or the month after or the one after that, I will have good news.

The story up till now: I'm 31 years old, my husband is 36. We met 6 years ago, when we'd both moved to this cute little hippie college town in the South. We like to tell people we met in a parking lot, and it's actually true. I thought he was cute from the moment I met him, and I don't think that about many guys.

In any case, that stuff doesn't have too much bearing to my infertility problems, except to say that I am not the type of girl who pretended all her dolls were babies (actually, I didn't have dolls. my mom was more the scary-stuffed-animal type) or envisioned Mommy being her favorite name. But, my husband loves kids, and I love my cat beyond belief, and I have enough love that I think I'd be a good parent.

So, after 7 years of being on the Pill, my husband and I had decent jobs and had saved enough money to feel okay with trying to have a baby. We even finished our massive student loans. We own a beautiful house in our little hippie eco-village and we've left the upstairs room pretty undecorated... always waiting to be a nursery, I guess. So, quit the Pill on Christmas Eve, while in Peru on Our Last Big Vacation, and... nothing. No period for a very long time. Finally, it came... but then, again, 45+ days passed before another period. Okay, maybe it was just the Pill. I waited, waited, and meanwhile we were screwing like bunnies from day 14 onwards. I have never been so sick of sex in my life as during that time. We even got so sick of it that my husband would have to look at porn first, just so we could, um, get it sort of over with quickly. Oh gosh, that sounds terrible! Well, if you've tried and tried and tried, you'd understand. In fact, when I got a UTI, my doctor was like, "Um, yeah, you've been having a lot of sex!" Ha. Too much of a good thing is, I can attest, too much.

Anyway, after 5 months of being off the Pill and still having wacky periods, I went to the doctor, and was then referred to a reproductive endocrinologist. I first saw her in early July, two months ago. She agreed my cycle is not right, especially my lame 9 day luteal phase. So, we tried Clomid, and it shortened my cycle to 35 days, including a very nice 13 day luteal phase. But I didn't get pregnant.

Which brings me to today. I'm on my second round of Clomid, and went in for my ultrasound today, on day 18. My lining looks good, and my follicles are small but probably on track for another day 22 ovulation. Now, I wait again, pee in little cups in the public restroom at work and probably weird everyone out with my bathroom hovering, and then hopefully ovulate and with the grace of God and the luck of the universe, maybe, just maybe, after 9 long months, have a happy ending to the terrible waiting game that is my infertility.

Thanks for reading and wish me the best follicles a girl can grow. Good night.