Countdown to Atlanta!

Last night, right before bed, I finally got my period. They say it should come 1-2 weeks after starting the Lupron. Well, mine took 2 weeks and 2 days. I'm never quite on schedule when it comes to fertility.

Anyway, I was happy to see it, and happy that everything was quiet on the ultrasound this morning. My blood work also showed a low estradiol number, and I was given the go-ahead to start the estrogen patches tomorrow! 

So, tomorrow is DOC 1 (day of cycle 1). I cut the Lupron in half, and start this crazy complicated pattern of adding and removing new patches. I also will take one baby aspirin a day. Two weeks from tomorrow, we drive down to Atlanta, and the egg thaw is the following morning. B gives his sample, and I meet with my doctor and do a mock transfer. Then we're free for the weekend, B flies home Sunday, and I return on either day 3 or day 5 for transfer. I can drive back home the next morning. In between all this, I'll be staying with a good friend from grad school, and we might take a little trip over the weekend before I'm needed. 

This is getting really real. and it's freaking me out. I'm really going into a procedure that comes with a 60% success rate (85% after two tries). I've never faced odds this good. I'm not sure how to deal with it. I have been pretty good at not dwelling on things these past few weeks, and I still have two weeks to go, but I'm letting myself fall back into the old place of Hope again. I catch myself imagining due dates, and testing out what it would feel like to have an actual baby. Considering that one day soon I could have good news for once, and in less than a year I could have a baby sleeping in the room above my head. It's exciting and terrifying, and I think I should probably quit it. I should try not to think about it, and try to protect my heart and head a little bit more. 

And yet. This is SO EXCITING. I don't even know how the next two weeks are going to be, but they just can't go fast enough. 

My body can't even do this right

Yes, I know that title is totally negative and whiny.

But that's how I feel. One interesting thing about having my blog go from totally secret to being found by at least one friend, shared with a couple of others, and read by other bloggers is that I sometimes feel pressured to write meaningful entries. I used to feel more comfortable just complaining, especially when I had nothing otherwise to say.

Today is one of those days: I have no news. I just feel like whining. This is why: I've completed the whole two weeks of Lupron, and I have not gotten my period. This new clinic made me uncomfortable when they told me to start the shots on day 21 of my cycle, when every other time I've done Lupron my other clinic has asked me to come in for progesterone tests to be sure I'd already ovulated. When I searched online, I found other women saying their clinics also require the blood test first. But, when I asked my nurse, she brushed it off and said just to tell her when I get my period.

Um. No period. Everything I found online, and my nurse, all say you should get it within 1-2 weeks of starting Lupron. It's been two weeks. Nothing. Because, duh, I didn't ovulate. So either I won't get my period till day 40 something (today is day 34) or... what if I don't get it all? Because if I didn't ovulate, I'm confused as to why or how my body would know to shed the uterine lining, and get a period.

My biggest, nagging fear is that this will screw everything up, and I'll have to start all over again. And I KNEW, I KNEW this protocol didn't sound right, but it's a new clinic and a new nurse, and I didn't push it. This clinic has high success rates, and they do this all the time, and I figure that many women have more than a 35 day cycle... right? Right? Did I do something wrong by not being more forceful (annoying) and demanding the blood test before I started the shots? Is everything screwed up now? Will this cycle be cancelled, or really delayed?

I am really feeling bad about this. It sucks that sometimes it feels that everyone else gets pregnant with little to no trouble, but if not, there is Clomid. Or IUI. Or IVF. Or hell, IVF three freaking times. Even amongst fertility challenged folks, most of my friends were successful with IVF #1. And here I am, having failed at everything, and now I can't even have a donor egg cycle go smoothly.

Sigh. Well, I emailed the nurse tonight, and I assume tomorrow morning I will hear a response. Maybe it will be fine. Cause you know, everything else has gone so swimmingly when it comes to my fertility.

(Told you this post would be all just complaining!)

Lupron Melt Down

I started the Lupron shots one week ago today. So as of today, I've had eight doses of the evil substance. I'm not getting any night sweats yet. My belly is a little sore from the needles (I need to be more decisive about the shots- when I don't use enough force, the cheap needles bounce off and nick me). But the worst side effect of Lupron is the mood swings and the emotions.

I thought I was doing fine. I had a really good weekend, full of fun things and seeing friends and cooking good food. Everything was going well. I thought maybe this time would be different than the other times I'd be on Lupron. After all, I don't think this cycle will be as stressful, right? There are no big hormone shots and no every-other-day ultrasounds to check on follicles, and no frustrations over my slow-to-grow follies and my lagging-behind estradiol (we'll see if this is true or not- I have no idea- going out of state brings plenty of its own stresses and of course we still worry about fertilization, donor eggs or not).

Well, I was doing fine, till Sunday evening. By Sunday I'd had six doses of Lupron. According to my memory and this blog, it's right around there that I've always started to feel the effects. Sunday I was doing fine- I had a leisurely morning, went to a great class at the gym, finished a good book, shopped for the week's groceries, and made a delicious dinner for us. Then, very late, B talked on the phone to his friend in NY. This is a friend of his from high school, and for the past two years we have gotten together for an annual weekend visit with him and his wife. I like them very much, but don't know them all that well. Two years ago when we met up in the mountains, I was on my second month of Clomid and still very hopeful. She was very newly pregnant, but very sympathetic about our situation, and shared that she had miscarried her first pregnancy about six months before. We had a great time- we hiked, we went down waterfalls, and it was all very fun and active, just my kind of vacation.

Then last summer, when they invited us to their house for a weekend in NY, I had already failed one IVF and was about to start my second. They had a five month old daughter. Initially, I told B that I didn't want to go, because I thought spending a weekend with a newborn might be hard for me. But when he told them my hesitations, they absolutely insisted they wanted to see me, that it would be fine, and that they totally understand but I'll have a baby soon enough. Reluctantly, I went, and you know what? I had a great time. With a baby that little, you can still mostly do everything. They can eat and sleep anywhere, so we walked around the city, went to museums, and even went winery-hopping on Long Island. It was great. And of course, I was still thinking IVF#2 was going to work.

Fast forward another year, to now. They mentioned the yearly trip... but things are different now. In the past year, I've failed another two IVFs, been told I can probably never have a genetic child, and have spent tens of thousands of dollars on treatments. My last hope for becoming pregnant is donor egg, and I don't even know if this will work.

Also, although in the past they were always up for adventure, things seemed different. A toddler is totally different from a baby, and when B was on the phone on Sunday evening, I could hear all the "can't"s they were listing. They can't fly into an airport very far from the beach, they can't do a house up on stilts because of strollers, they can't get excited about a city or anywhere where there is stuff to do because they have to be home at 7 pm every night for baby's bedtime anyway. Basically, they want to rent a beach house and sit around for an entire weekend. With a toddler. With me, ten days after my next pregnancy test after my donor egg cycle.

Does this sound like torture or what?

So, I told B that I don't want to do it. He and his friend had just spent half an hour throwing out ideas of where we could go, and searching AirBnB, but they hadn't made any progress because of all these new restrictions with a toddler. But when he hung up the phone... I just started to cry. Noisy, loud, dramatic tears. I told him I don't want to sit in a beach house and watch them play with their baby all weekend, and not do anything else, and be in the house by 7 pm every night, and that for all we know she's pregnant again, and then I'd have to deal with that too, and all just about 10 days after a possibly negative pregnancy test.

He got kind of upset with me. He wanted to know why I hadn't shared my hesitations with him when we started talking about a shared vacation, about a month ago. Why we'd had the conversation this far and now I'm backing out.

I didn't have a real good answer. I guess I've always had fun with them in the past, and I didn't realize how different this year would be until I heard him on the phone, and I heard how what used to a fun, adult weekend would now be totally dominated by the needs of a family with a toddler. I completely understand and respect these new needs of theirs.. I just don't think it sounds fun for us. At all. In fact, it sounds like the opposite of fun, even if we weren't in fertility treatment. And the fact that we are, and that I could have a negative pregnancy test just weeks before, makes it not only very un-fun, but more like torture. This is honestly why people with toddlers hang out with other people with kids. And with our particular situation, it seems really hurtful emotionally to me if we did it.

So, what seems not a huge big deal became a big deal. Because I didn't realize how things were until that phone call, so it had gotten kinda far before I had to pull the plug. And of course, as I started this post: the Lupron. What normally would have been a conversation between me and B became a no-holds-barred weep-a-thon that went on and on. I cried and cried, even as he was being supportive and told me he understands and would tell them the situation and that we'll have to skip this year's trip. But I just kept crying. Sometimes it is so clear to me all that I am missing as I am not a mom and want to be... so many friends have babies and are now having baby #2, and although I care about them, it's so hard for me to really become intimately involved. Especially when I'm starting a new cycle.

The feelings I have are really the feelings I have, but the Lupron makes them seem more dire and more vivid than normal. It's two days later and I'm still feeling so bad about this. Upset at my infertility, upset at missing social and friend events due to this mess, upset at B for even putting me in this position (though it's not his fault, I realize), and upset at myself for being upset at myself! It's just an endless mess of unhappiness, and I have felt really bad for days now.

The one good thing is that yesterday B emailed his friend and told him, and his friend was very understanding. Even better, his wife emailed me this today:

Hi [my name]!! I have been thinking a lot about you. I can only imagine how painful this conception process has been. We 1000% understand that it would be incredibly hard to spend the weekend with [her daughter's name]. I am sad that we won't get to see each other, but absolutely understand and would feel the same way. We love you two and only want the best for you.

Good luck with your next round. My fingers are crossed!!!!

Love, [her name]

That was such a sweet and compassionate email to send, and I wrote back to tell her how appreciated it was. I think it's hard to know what to say, but saying something can be so much, much better than silence to someone who is going through something painful or hard.

And now, back to waiting... 1 week of Lupron down, and (up to) 1 to go! Here's hoping to see my period soon so I can get off this evil drug and move on to the more exciting parts of this process.

Lupron: Day 1 (CD 21)

This morning, at 8:15 am, I opened a vial of Lupron, grabbed a diabetic needle, and poked it into my belly. And so it begins.

This is the third time I have been on Lupron. I was on it in March 2012 for the cycle of IVF that I never got to do (had surgery for my endometriosis instead), June 2012 (IVF cycle #1), and September 2012 (IVF cycle #2). For IVF cycle #3, we didn't use Lupron. This time, I'm using it to suppress my menstrual cycle in preparation for a donor egg cycle. Hopefully the one and only cycle I'll need to do to finally have a baby.

Lupron is a small needle, and painless. Whereas I had B do my big shots for IVF, this one I prefer to do myself. Pop my breakfast into the toaster, pop a needle in my tummy. What a way to start the day.

In actuality, I'm happy to be doing this. It means I'm beginning my donor egg cycle and moving ever closer to  transfer and perhaps a pregnancy. It's only been two months since I failed my third IVF so in many ways I am moving very quickly, but time also seems to be dragging. It's still 4-5 weeks till I will go down to Atlanta, and another 2 weeks till I will get results. One of the many unfair things about using ART to get pregnant is that normal women have 12 chances a year to try. With IVF and other ART, everything takes so long. I mean, I haven't had a chance to have a positive since early March, and it will be late June before I have another, assuming this cycle goes okay. Using assistance just takes forever, and patience has never been my strong suite.

BTW, I spoke with my doctor on Friday and he agreed that it's not necessary for me to get the scratch biopsy. Since I haven't had implantation failures before (just crappy embryos), I'm not really the population that has been studied and seen an improvement in. So, I'll reconsider if this cycle fails, but for now, that is one less thing to stress about.

Ultrasound #1: Moving Ahead

This morning was my first ultrasound since starting the IVF meds. I've had five nights of the shots so far. I'm currently taking 225 units of Follistim, 75 of Menopur, and 5 units of Lupron. I was only on 150 of Follistim but that changed two nights ago, when my e levels were low on Tuesday's blood test.

Today went pretty well! My ultrasounds showed six decently sized follicles on the right ovary, and one on the left. That's the side I had the cyst and the endometriosis on, and I guess that ovary is still unhappy. Anyway, the six on the right side are pretty good, all ranging from 9-11 mm. There are two largest, 11 mm ones. Is it mm? I am not sure.

Dr. F says that I am not a great responder, although I am not doing poorly either. Overall he seemed quite pleased with where I am. After all, we only need one great egg (though I'd like to have more to freeze).

Right now, we're on track for only three to four more nights of stims, and a retrieval next Tuesday or Wednesday (today is Thursday). I am still waiting on my e level from the blood test this morning, but I'll probably not change my meds again. Most likely I will go back on Saturday morning and then we'll know more about a retrieval date, I think.

So, feeling relieved- I was nervous, as usual. I was so worried because of my e level being low last time. I hope it's risen- but most importantly, today I had decent follicles. And I'll only be on the drugs 8-9 days, instead of 12, which also pleases me.

More news later, when I hear back from the nurse about the estrogen level.

UPDATE: my estrogen jumped from 99 on Tuesday to 362 today! The nurse sounded very pleased. We go back in another two days, Saturday, for more blood work and another ultrasound. Feeling great!

First Night of Shots

So we did the first night of shots, about an hour ago. It was not fun. The Lupron is just little diabetic needles and I find those easy, but these two new shots were a whole 'nother story. 

The Menopur has to be mixed- you have to combine two vials into one, and replace needles, and it all has to be sterile. The Follistim comes in a "pen" which has to be loaded and then "dialed" to the correct amount. The Follistim wasn't too scary but the Menopur had a HUGE needle! The needle hurt, and the liquid burned as it went in. It bled for several minutes afterwards, though just a little bit.

But I survived, and B is doing all the mixing and giving me the shots (except the Lupron, I can keep doing that one). Only 7-11 more nights!

Although none of this is fun, I am so relieved and grateful that we made it to this point. Last time around, when I had to have the surgery, was such a disappointment. I am full of hope that in 3-4 weeks, I could be pregnant.

Off to get ready to go out to dinner with friends now. Looking forward to the evening out.

Crazy Raging B*tch

Sorry for the bad language, but that's really how I've been feeling for the past few days.

When I last wrote, on Monday, I reported one crying episode in the airport, but said that otherwise I was feeling fine. That didn't last long. By Monday night, I was angry, sad, and irritable. That was after 7 nights of Lupron shots. I had a huge fight with my husband and said all kinds of mean things, even threatening to not continue the IVF cycle. Tuesday night we fought again. I really FELT mad, but with a little distance, I realize that my emotions are pretty out of control. I cried inconsolably Tuesday night, even missing the movie we'd planned to treat ourselves with since yesterday was a day off from work. 


Yesterday, the 4th of July, I did better. We stayed out most of the day, doing things with friends- an outdoors festival, and a cookout in the neighborhood, and then saw the movie that we missed on Tuesday night. Keeping busy gives me less time to listen to my Lupron-induced hormonal mess, which is definitely a good thing. 


The positive news is that I only have two more nights of the full 10 units of Lupron. On Saturday evening, I cut the dosage in half, while adding the Menopur and Follistim. I don't know how those will make me feel, but I don't think they have the same emotional effects. I hope.


Other than my hormonal induced craziness, I'm feeling pretty okay. I'm getting excited for Saturday, to start the "real" IVF drugs. Not that I want the drugs, but after a year and a half of infertility, and a year of being in treatment, and a false start to an IVF cycle over three months ago, I'm just so ready to get the show on the road. I just want this all to speed up, to get over with, and to come out on the other side with a happy result.  

Good News!

I was so nervous that I laid in bed for over an hour after B fell asleep, worrying about today's appointment. We got in bed at 10:30 pm and I remember looking at the clock and it was 11:30 pm and I was still awake. This morning I woke up at 6:10 am and I was a bundle of nerves and stomach pains.

BUT: it all went well! My ultrasound showed quiet ovaries and a good endometrium lining. My estrogen is fine too, although I wasn't as worried about that part. The good ultrasound has calmed me down. I received my list of medication instructions and am scheduled to start the new shots this upcoming Saturday, July 7th. My husband starts his pills then too, and I go in on Tuesday, July 10th for bloodwork. Retrieval will fall sometime between Sunday, July 15th and Thursday, July 19th. Transfer will be 3 or 5 days after that. Pregnancy test sometime the first week of August.

Feeling a sense of relief after many days/weeks of being on edge, hoping and wondering.

Also, feeling okay on the Lupron so far. It's only been 6 shots but I am doing okay. I had one small freak-out in the airport last night, after I messed up my injection (which I then corrected), but overall it's been fine. However, I felt okay till after day 6 or 7 last time and then I crashed down and became a hormonal, crying mess, so there's no telling what awaits me.

But for now, relief.

Pregnancy Dreams

Over the past couple of weeks, I've been plagued by a series of scary, ominous pregnancy dreams. Sometimes they are dreams that I will never get pregnant, while last night I dreamed I was pregnant but couldn't go into labor fully. I don't sleep well when I have these dreams, and I don't know what they are trying to tell me. Probably nothing, just that it's always there, in my subconscious, the issues of pregnancy and infertility and my on-going treatment.

So far, I've had two shots of Lupron and I'm feeling fine. Last time, it took about a week to start feeling the effects.

We're leaving for Boston tomorrow morning, which will be a good distraction for the next three days. We come home Sunday night, and Monday at 7:30 am is my appointment. I've started to view it as the Day of Reckoning. Will I have another cyst? Will my cycle be cancelled? Will I need surgery or have to stay on the pill for another few months?

Or, to try to look on the positive side, will I go in and have a perfect ultrasound and bloodwork, and be told that I can go ahead and start the stimulants next Saturday night? Will I finally get to take that Menopur out of the package, and finally retrieve the Follistim from where it has rested in the tofu drawer of the fridge since this past February?

Wish me luck, and the next time I type here I hope to have encouraging news.

Birthday

Today is my 32nd birthday. So far it's okay: massage, my favorite Vietnamese sandwich for lunch (Banh Mi), now home relaxing from the heat and packing for my DC trip tomorrow, and dinner out at one of my favorite restaurants tonight (Persian vegetarian food). I can even have a glass of wine with dinner, since I don't start the Lupron till next Tuesday evening.

I was worried about this birthday, since in my mind I always thought I'd have a baby by 32 years old. A reasonable thought, considering we started trying to conceive when I was only 30 1/2. It's been 18 long, slow months. And still no baby. But I'm starting Lupron on Tuesday, June 26th, and I go in for baseline the following Monday, July 2nd. I start stims on Saturday, July 7th, if everything is okay at baseline.

I am terrified everything will not be okay at baseline. Last time, in March, I got to baseline, and then they found the cyst, and then I had to stop IVF and have surgery instead. It was then that I was diagnosed with stage 3 endometriosis, which had consumed my left ovary and twisted my anatomy. It's been 3 months since that surgery, and I am praying that the endo has not come back and I can start the stims and all will go according to plan. I pray that my first round of IVF is successful.

Anyway, my laundry is done so I should go put it away and pack for my trip tomorrow. This weekend I go to DC, and next weekend is Boston, so hopefully I will stay busy enough that these worries won't occupy my mind so much. Worrying is paying a debt in advance that may never come true, as B says, but it's still hard not to do it.

CD 3, Clomid day 1

I have been tortured for the past two days, debating between sticking to my plan of trying Clomid for a few months or going right to IVF.

I was leaning towards IVF, thinking to just get it over with, and before my endo has a chance to come back. However, the clinic is being awful. If I start now, I'd have to be on Lupron for 26 days instead of the standard 1-2 weeks. I hate UNC so much. Why is it ok to shut down the lab for two whole weeks every month, thereby totally limiting when we can start the stims? I hate UNC and am again debating switching to Cary, despite the longer drive. I just don't know what to do. I already bought $1800 of meds that I might not be able to use if I were to switch clinics.

For now, I am too stressed out, and too pissed off. I popped my first Clomid today, having sort of given up on IVF for this cycle. The nurse is not responding to my emails or calls, as usual.

Oh, and UNC hit me with another $600 bill. I will now have paid $2700 for my one outpatient laparoscopy procedure in March. I am so upset.

Feeling Bad

I have already cried twice today, in front of my boss and a colleague.

I wish I could hide under a rock for the next month.

I've emailed AND called my nurse and begged to start the shots tonight. My period was one measly day late and so now I am not allowed to start stimulation until March 31st.

So we wait. And I try not to cry in front of everyone I know and entirely ruin all these years of seeming like a professional.

I am really stressed out about work, my health, etc. I just want to go to sleep for the next 4 weeks and not do ANYTHING. I am a disaster that should not be inflicted on the general public.

Come on, Period!

I am supposed to come for an ultrasound and blood work on Friday and then start the stims on Saturday night.... but ONLY if I get my period. Period is nowhere to be seen. I'm trying not to stress too bad, but it's hard. If I can't start this weekend, it messes up everything. The next weekend the clinic is down (weird, I don't really get it) so then I have to wait TWO more weeks and not start stims till March 31st. Which means I can't go to DC for Passover, can't see my family and friends then. Very, very disappointing.

The nurse does understand how badly I want to start this weekend, and she said I can come in even if I get my period Friday or Friday, and still start Saturday night. I might be able to start Sunday, but she's checking with the doctor.

Ideal scenario: I suddenly, unexpectedly get my period Friday night and go in on Saturday, start stims Saturday night. I would have to be monitored during my conference next week, but at least I could still go to DC... and not sit around, twiddling my thumbs and injecting myself with more Lupron for an extra two long weeks. Sigh.

Fingers, toes, and eyes crossed, in hope that I see my period soon. I am so sick of always, always waiting.

Lupron Tonight!

Did blood work this morning again, and didn't expect that I would have ovulated- but I did! The nurse called around 11:45 this morning and told me to begin the Lupron shots tonight! I am elated. I never thought I'd be so excited to be jabbing myself with drugs, but I am. Let's get this show on the road! Baseline ultrasound is scheduled for next Friday, by which time I should have received my period.

It's really, really happening.

No Go on the Lupron

Well, as I suspected, I did not ovulate by day 20 (what, my body cooperate?). So I did not get to start Lupron yesterday. I am re-testing on Thursday, which will be day 24. I am not confident that I will have ovulated by then either, but I am hoping.

So, back to waiting.

Also, fighting with my insurance. I have received a $474 bill and a $150 bill, all in the last few days. I am hoping I don't owe it all, but I probably do. I will call them again tomorrow.

Sigh.

Also still dealing with work anger/stress re. my trip to Seattle in May and the fact that they are not funding it all. I am wondering if part of my debilitating anger is because I can't be angry at my fertility so I am redirecting it to work. Or maybe I am just pissed that they cut my travel funding and I haven't had a raise in 3 years. Same old bad song.

Good things to look forward to: my next blood test on Thursday, my weekend visit to New Bern to see Larissa, and lunch on the way home with Lyman and Dale.