Happiness and Hope

I have been meaning to update this blog for a few days now, but I've been so busy! Finally, today, I have some quiet time while my friend is at work.

On Thursday afternoon we drove down to Atlanta. It's about six hours away but we hit a terrible storm, and we stopped a lot for food, gas, and breaks. We also had some good chuckles at how stereotypical South Carolina was. All along the highway, there were signs mainly for girly shows, peaches, and fireworks. Also this, which B refers to as a sin against humanity (and if you've never had a boiled peanut before, there is no way to describe the hot, soggy, salty mess that I've been unfortunate enough to experience):

Friday morning we got up and B went to the clinic to give his "sample," and then came back for me. We returned to the clinic and met with my doctor. He is as nice and friendly and reassuring as he was on the phone. I can't say enough good things about him. The clinic was bright and welcoming, the nurse was super nice, and the doctor reassured me that a lining of 7 is just fine. He decided not to bother with a mock transfer since I've done IVF so many times before, and he'll be doing my transfer himself. It was a quick and pleasant appointment. Then B and I went to wonderful vegetarian cafe and enjoyed some delicious food, and then we went and were tourists downtown. We went to the World of Coke, which was cheesy and silly but sort of fun. I dislike Coke, but it was a good way to distract myself from anxiously awaiting the news.

On Saturday morning, the news came at 9:11 am. I had just woken up, and was lying there, stomach in knots. At my other clinics, I've always had to wait for what seemed like all day, and I've always gotten off the phone crushed and in tears. My first IVF we had 5 mature eggs and only 1 fertilized normally. My second IVF, we had 4 eggs and 2 fertilized. My third and final IVF, we had 6 eggs, 5 of which were mature, but only 2 fertilized. We've always had to do a day 2 or day 3 transfer, and the embryos were crappy quality.

This time: they thawed 8 donor eggs and SEVEN fertilized! Not only that, but they were looking so good, that the next day (Sunday), they called and left me a message that we are definitely on for a five day transfer!

This is amazing news. I can't even convey how excited I was to hear that 7 of the 8 fertilized. I was jumping up and down, crying with happiness, blabbering to the lady on the phone that I've never had more than 2 eggs fertilize. I was ecstatic and so is B. I just have never gotten good news when it comes to all my procedures and outcomes, and this was even better than I had hoped for. I was on cloud nine all day, and B couldn't stop hugging me and sneaking kisses on my cheek every few minutes. It was super cute and such an amazing feeling to finally have something to be happy about.

We spent Saturday with our friends, in a small town called Athens, Georgia. We ate at another fabulous vegetarian cafe, walked around the campus of UGa and just had a good time browsing through little bookstores, record shops, and vintage places.

On Sunday, yesterday, I missed my phone call, but the nurse left a message to say that things are looking good with the embryos and we are definitely on for a five day transfer! I had another great day yesterday with my friend- we dropped B off at the airport to fly home, and we went to the High Museum of Art and the MLK Memorial Site in Atlanta:

Later that evening, we cooked another delicious meal, vegetarian burritos and cilantro roasted potatoes and a nice green salad. My friend and I went to grad school together and cooking together has always been one of our favorite things to do:

And now, I am just sitting in her condo, finally taking some time and space to catch up on email, news in the world, and this blog of course. The magnitude of this news is still with me, as we have better chances of a successful outcome than I have ever had before. It is a relief and saddening what this donor egg process proves: it was my eggs all the time that were the problem. The horrible fertilization and division of the embryos has been totally opposite when using our healthy 23 year old's eggs. Mainly, it's a huge relief, because this means that unless I have some other problem, I have a very real chance of a healthy pregnancy and finally getting to have a child. A smaller part of me is still mourning that I couldn't do this on my own, at the young age of 32. I have always tested okay for AMH (a little low, but not horrible) and all my other hormones are fine. I did have moderate to severe endometriosis, but I had surgery and they thought that would make conception impossible. But, donor egg has proven to me that the eggs are what was stopping us from getting good embryos in my three IVF cycles.  It's hard to hear that it was me all along, but ultimately, it is good. In the end, I want a child, and I want to carry it and nurture it myself, and this miracle of donor egg is hopefully going to make that possible.

More news tomorrow when they call with a transfer time and an update on the embryos. Till then, I am just trying to enjoy my newfound happiness.

Next stop: Atlanta!

Sometimes I take a step back and just have to laugh at the absurdity of this whole situation. Who would have ever thought I'd be packing a huge suitcase, saying goodbye to the cat and my bed, and getting in the car for a six hour drive, just to get knocked up? What most people do in the comfort of their beds (or various other locations, I guess) is requiring a road trip and week away for me. 

But, on the plus side, I am super excited that I am able to get in the car. My lining check this morning left me in tears. I was SO anxious when I woke up today that I forgot to put on my watch and wedding band, and left my lunch at home. I never do any of these things. This might be the first time I've forgotten my ring in the four years I've been married. I really was nervous and distracted.

Anyway, the news is that my lining has not progressed. It's still at 7 mm. I was deeply disappointed that it has not thickened, but the doctor in Atlanta said it has not gotten smaller, so I can still proceed. 

I was hoping for better news, but I know that I need to calm down and focus on the good news. We are leaving in just a few hours, and hopefully the embryos will be healthy and happy in there. 

Today: leave for Atlanta

Tomorrow at 9 am: eggs are thawed and B gives his "sample"

Tomorrow at 10:30 am: I meet with my doctor for the mock transfer

Saturday: fertilization report- this is a big deal, considering we've had crappy fertilization with my own eggs, and I will be very anxious till I receive this call

Monday or Wednesday: transfer, hopefully

Wish me luck, and next time I post it will be from the ATL!

Lining Blues

This morning was my checkup at my local clinic, to make sure my uterine lining was of a sufficient thickness to encourage an embryo to want to stick around. It was 7 mm, which is slightly less than ideal. They really want to see 8 or above.

I've had thin linings in other cycles, though in my last cycle it was good. So I'm not sure how much I should be freaking out or not right now. My clinic in Atlanta wants me to go back and have it measured again on Thursday, before we leave for Atlanta. There is the possibility of delaying our cycle- and therefore our trip- if my lining has gotten thinner. The nurse seemed to indicate that if it's still at 7, that's okay (though they'd like to see it improve).

Just what I need- more stress and another $150 doctor bill. I don't even care about the money, it's the stress that bothers me more. What if this cycle gets delayed? I'd be really bummed if have to push things back. I do want to be home for my birthday and any delays will make that not happen.

This study is small, but seems to indicate it doesn't matter if the lining is under 8 mm. But commonly accepted practice is to try to get it to 8 or above.

There is plenty of junk on the internet about ways to increase it, but I don't believe them (more sex? soak feet in hot water? yeah right to both of those- I doubt they have anything to do with my endometrial lining). I'll just keep doing my estrogen patches and drink lots of water and hope and pray for good news on Thursday. Sigh. It's never easy, is it?

Other people's pregnancies

One week from today we will be in Atlanta, my donor's eggs will be unfrozen, and combined with my husband's sperm. If all goes well, I won't be brought back in till Wednesday, June 19th, for a five day, single embryo transfer. Then I will drive myself home the next day, and the following day is my 33rd birthday. My goal was to be done by my birthday, and sure enough, we are track for that. Of course I won't test till the week after my birthday, but at least we'll be done with the Atlanta part.

I had a pretty hard weekend after I last wrote. I recently have become good friends with a woman from my local support group. I had been close with four other women, and one by one, three of the four are all pregnant (or delivered a baby, in one case). That's been hard- I love getting their updates and am so happy for them, but sometimes I feel like a failure. I'm the only one who has gotten negative IVFs every time and am still here, infertile.

Anyway, recently I've become friendly with a new-ish member of the group. We're very different in a lot of ways, but we are the same age, and we've both been trying for a baby for 2.5 years. I encouraged her to shop around for a new clinic and she ended up switching to my clinic here. They did one IUI, negative. They did another one, and she texted me on Thursday that she had gotten a faint positive, but then a BFN the next day. She seemed upset and hopeless, and asked if we wanted to have dinner with her and her husband on Saturday night. I offered to cook, and planned a lovely meal that we could eat on the deck.

Well, Friday night she found out she is pregnant. Definitely pregnant.

I was.. deflated. Now, don't get me wrong: I am thrilled for her. She is wonderful and deserves to be a parent. I have wished nothing for the best for her. But to hear of yet another support group member's pregnancy can be hard. I wish I had my treatments work. I wish I had gotten pregnant from an IUI or an IVF and my own eggs. I wish, I wish. But, it isn't going to happen.

So, I was truly happy for her, but also sad that I'm losing yet another companion in this path of infertility, and that I feel like a failure yet again. But when I woke up Saturday, I was determined to be a gracious host to them for dinner, and to have a nice weekend before and after that.

Then, the kiss of death: Facebook.

I checked Facebook. And a high school friend of mine announced her pregnancy. In the worst, most obnoxious way: one of those ridiculous photo shoots with her and her husband and a due date and a stupid little baby bump prominently featured.

This was a friend (notice WAS) that WATCHED me do my shots one year ago, when I visited her at her home. She told me she probably didn't want kids, that she is really focused on her PhD, that both her husband and herself are "ambivalent" about children.

Why, universe? Why should someone who is ambivalent about wanting children get pregnant so easily, so quickly (I know they went on vacation in January- I assume they were not trying before then), yet I, who have longed for a baby for so many years, cannot? Life is so unfair, so deeply, deeply unfair.

As if this weren't bad enough, I looked back at my emails and we'd been writing back in April. When she was two months pregnant, by my calculations. She asked how IVF was going and I relayed that it hadn't worked and we are sad and don't know what to do next.

She said NOTHING about being pregnant.

And it's not that she should have to, but I would have really appreciated a short note or email before she posted that obnoxious, attention-hogging photo on Facebook. She KNOWS about my struggles and our pain and she couldn't even have said something, a short something? And she KNOWS about infertility, through at least me if not others, and she still thought her FB obnoxiousness was something wise to do?  I have had plenty of other friends become pregnant, and I am happy for them, and when they've told me, via email usually, then it's totally fine.

What do you think, readers? Am I being way too sensitive? Should we not expect some sensitivity after disclosure to a close friend? Is this just not something people should be expected to think about? Am I crazy for being angry at her and wanting to tell her how insensitive this was?

I won't do anything. She lives far away and we don't see each other more than once or twice a year, and she's not obligated to protect my feelings or do anything, and I suspect she'd just think I was crazy if I were to say anything. Perhaps, if this cycle works, and I am coming from a more positive place, then I can say something... or perhaps not.

Countdown to Atlanta!

Last night, right before bed, I finally got my period. They say it should come 1-2 weeks after starting the Lupron. Well, mine took 2 weeks and 2 days. I'm never quite on schedule when it comes to fertility.

Anyway, I was happy to see it, and happy that everything was quiet on the ultrasound this morning. My blood work also showed a low estradiol number, and I was given the go-ahead to start the estrogen patches tomorrow! 

So, tomorrow is DOC 1 (day of cycle 1). I cut the Lupron in half, and start this crazy complicated pattern of adding and removing new patches. I also will take one baby aspirin a day. Two weeks from tomorrow, we drive down to Atlanta, and the egg thaw is the following morning. B gives his sample, and I meet with my doctor and do a mock transfer. Then we're free for the weekend, B flies home Sunday, and I return on either day 3 or day 5 for transfer. I can drive back home the next morning. In between all this, I'll be staying with a good friend from grad school, and we might take a little trip over the weekend before I'm needed. 

This is getting really real. and it's freaking me out. I'm really going into a procedure that comes with a 60% success rate (85% after two tries). I've never faced odds this good. I'm not sure how to deal with it. I have been pretty good at not dwelling on things these past few weeks, and I still have two weeks to go, but I'm letting myself fall back into the old place of Hope again. I catch myself imagining due dates, and testing out what it would feel like to have an actual baby. Considering that one day soon I could have good news for once, and in less than a year I could have a baby sleeping in the room above my head. It's exciting and terrifying, and I think I should probably quit it. I should try not to think about it, and try to protect my heart and head a little bit more. 

And yet. This is SO EXCITING. I don't even know how the next two weeks are going to be, but they just can't go fast enough. 

Update: doctor appointment tomorrow

Good news! I have a 9 am appointment tomorrow morning at my clinic here in town. They'll do an ultrasound and blood work to check for suppression, and if all is well, I can start the estrogen patches on Thursday and count that as cycle day 1. We'll go to Atlanta on cycle day 15.

Crossing my fingers for good news tomorrow. 

My body can't even do this right

Yes, I know that title is totally negative and whiny.

But that's how I feel. One interesting thing about having my blog go from totally secret to being found by at least one friend, shared with a couple of others, and read by other bloggers is that I sometimes feel pressured to write meaningful entries. I used to feel more comfortable just complaining, especially when I had nothing otherwise to say.

Today is one of those days: I have no news. I just feel like whining. This is why: I've completed the whole two weeks of Lupron, and I have not gotten my period. This new clinic made me uncomfortable when they told me to start the shots on day 21 of my cycle, when every other time I've done Lupron my other clinic has asked me to come in for progesterone tests to be sure I'd already ovulated. When I searched online, I found other women saying their clinics also require the blood test first. But, when I asked my nurse, she brushed it off and said just to tell her when I get my period.

Um. No period. Everything I found online, and my nurse, all say you should get it within 1-2 weeks of starting Lupron. It's been two weeks. Nothing. Because, duh, I didn't ovulate. So either I won't get my period till day 40 something (today is day 34) or... what if I don't get it all? Because if I didn't ovulate, I'm confused as to why or how my body would know to shed the uterine lining, and get a period.

My biggest, nagging fear is that this will screw everything up, and I'll have to start all over again. And I KNEW, I KNEW this protocol didn't sound right, but it's a new clinic and a new nurse, and I didn't push it. This clinic has high success rates, and they do this all the time, and I figure that many women have more than a 35 day cycle... right? Right? Did I do something wrong by not being more forceful (annoying) and demanding the blood test before I started the shots? Is everything screwed up now? Will this cycle be cancelled, or really delayed?

I am really feeling bad about this. It sucks that sometimes it feels that everyone else gets pregnant with little to no trouble, but if not, there is Clomid. Or IUI. Or IVF. Or hell, IVF three freaking times. Even amongst fertility challenged folks, most of my friends were successful with IVF #1. And here I am, having failed at everything, and now I can't even have a donor egg cycle go smoothly.

Sigh. Well, I emailed the nurse tonight, and I assume tomorrow morning I will hear a response. Maybe it will be fine. Cause you know, everything else has gone so swimmingly when it comes to my fertility.

(Told you this post would be all just complaining!)

Protocol, Schedule, and Scary Medical Procedure Doubts

I'm happy to report that we spoke with the genetic counselor yesterday, and she said there is no real concern about the donor's abnormal gene variant. B has already had one test that shows he does not have the same abnormal gene variant, and we're getting him tested again to be sure, but since the chances are near zero, we're moving ahead as planned.

On Tuesday, I start Lupron shots in the morning. Lupron is a drug that prevents ovulation. It basically shuts down the reproductive cycle. The first time I was on it, I became very irritable, tired, and had hot flashes. I did not experience these so much the second time, so I think it can vary (and who's to say what is stress-induced and/or psychosomatic, and what is real?).

I stay on Lupron for two weeks or until I get my period, and then I let the nurse know. If it doesn't come in 14 days (which it might not, with my wacky long cycles), then I'll need bloodwork and an ultrasound to make sure I am suppressed.

Once I've gotten my period, I will start the Vivelle estrogen patches. I'll stay on the Lupron, but at a half dose. I'll start taking baby aspirin. I'll continue these three medications for 14 days, and I'll have an ultrasound to check my lining.

On day 15, I'll start doxycycline pills, to reduce any chance of infections, and Medrol pills, a steroid which is supposed to help prevent the body from rejecting the embryo. We'll travel to Atlanta this day.

On day 16, B will give his sperm and also the eggs are thawed, and the fertilization magic will hopefully happen. I'll start Crinone, which is progesterone. I'll continue the other medications. He goes home and I just hang out in Atlanta.

On day 19 or 21, I'll have the transfer! Then we hope and pray that the embryo decides to stick around.

One thing that I am currently agonizing over is whether or not to do a scratch biopsy, or endometrial biopsy. This is something the doctor recommends but does not require, and which I am absolutely terrified of having done. I had really bad experiences with both the HSG and the saline hydrosonogram, almost passing out both times from the pain. Not everyone has pain this extreme, but many women do, judging from my conversations with other patients and from some online forums (of course not from the doctors and nurses- they say, oh just take an Advil, you'll have some slight discomfort- LIARS). The reason it is recommended is because studies (like this one) have shown it to increase implantation rates among women with previous implantation failure. However, an important caveat is that there is only evidence to show this is significant in women WITH previous implantation failure. Although I have had 3 IVFs, I have never put a good quality embryo in. So, I would not characterize myself as a previous implantation failure case. Why go through a painful procedure (and not cheap, I'm sure) when we don't know that I have any problem with implantation at all? On the other hand, going down to Atlanta is not a casual thing, and if this could help, I would do it. Sigh. I'm just not sure, but the doctor is calling me today or tomorrow to talk about it.

I wish I could just be happy, but there's always something new to agonize over. On the whole, this just seems really unfair. Other people have sex- yes! they really do just get pregnant from SEX- and ta-dah, they make a baby. I have to pay tens of thousands of dollars and maybe undergo ANOTHER super painful procedure??? Life is so unfair sometimes.