Failed FET

I have not updated this in over a year. I am sure no one is reading anymore.

But I need to write today. Twelve days ago, I flew back to Atlanta and we transferred a perfect embryo, same quality as the one that made my son. Today, I took a pregnancy test and it was negative.

This cycle was far from perfect. I had lining problems. I lost hundreds of dollars on airfare when I had to delay my transfer at the last second, because my lining was too thin again. Or was it too thin? I will never really know. My local clinic thought so, my Atlanta doctor couldn't tell from the grainy ultrasound photos, then he was gone on a critical day, and so I was delayed.

In the meantime, right after I was on estrogen for an extra five days, then given the go ahead once he saw better images, and after I re-booked the flights, I came down with walking pneumonia. I spent a week in bed. I took five days of antibiotics, overlapping with the five important days leading up to transfer and the medications I was taking for that. Then I lugged my exhausted tush down to Atlanta, when I had barely gotten out of bed for a week.

We transferred one perfect, five day blastocyst. And apparently it did not take.

I had a bad feeling, but I have been telling myself that I was being irrational. I had no spotting or cramping, as I did with my first pregnancy, but I know most people do not. The lining issues were a problem but then seemed not to be. At my transfer, the nurse commented that my lining looked good. I used such a beautiful, strong embryo. I don't know, and will ask, about the possible effects of the pneumonia, but they didn't delay my transfer and they knew about it.

So I think that the end story is, I just fell on the wrong side of the statistics this time. Even with a decent lining, adherence to meds, and a perfect embryo, someone has to fall in the failures.

The pain is sharp and numb at the same time. I held my two year old this morning and felt his warmness, and I know what a miracle he is and how he has changed my life. At the same time, I feel the loss of that embryo, that could-have-been sister or brother, son or daughter. I am staunchly pro-choice and I believe an embryo is not a child, but at the same time, it could have been my child. My much loved, much wanted one. It could have been a sweet, smiling, cuddling child. This loss is as painful as my first three IVF disappointments were. I am so grateful to have a child; at the same time, I feel the loss of a child in a more defined, concrete way. I know the smell of a new baby, and the first smile.

It's not over. I have four precious embryos left in Atlanta. I am considering: do I take a cycle off, or do I plow ahead, starting the Lupron again in three weeks? How much of a factor is this pneumonia, and will I feel better in six weeks for transfer- I assume I will by then. Can I wait and see how I am doing in two weeks? I think that is the answer.

Beta is tomorrow. I will get through today. In six hours, I will be holding my little monkey boy again. He is the best medicine, both reminder of why I am doing this and what I don't have but want again. Life is so unfair. There is no reason, no cure, nothing else I can say.

Oh Happy Day

[To anyone reading who doesn't want to hear about an (early) pregnancy, stop here.]

Today is one of the happiest days of my life.

I AM PREGNANT!!!

I never thought I'd pee on a stick and see that happy little plus sign, but this morning I did. I was nauseous all day yesterday, though I assumed it was nerves. I didn't even want any chocolate after dinner- highly, highly unusual for me.

I slept okay, but I had pregnancy dreams all night. Happy ones. A little weird.

B woke me around 6:30 am. We went  into the bathroom, and I tested. I have never, ever ended a pregnancy test with anything but tears. I KNEW it would be negative and I braced myself for it. I picked up the test and began crying, and when I told him, so did he. It was positive. No mistaking that plus sign.

I can't describe the happiness I am feeling right now. I know I need to be cautious, because anything can happen. I don't even have the beta number yet (just came home from the clinic- won't hear back till afternoon). But I can't even think of this joy going away right now. I made my mom cry too. She was up early too, preparing the house for sitting shiva for my grandma's recent death (which unfortunately I can't go to- I'm not leaving town right now- but the memorial service will be later this summer and of course I can go to that). 

I am glad I never gave up, and I want good results for all of my other friends out there who are trying or who are reading this. 

Not Pregnant

I couldn't wait any longer, and I tested yesterday before going to the clinic for my official test. Both tests were negative. 

We are both really crushed. I know I have up to two more tries (bought a package) but I really had hope that this first time would be the magic solution. Instead, nothing went right, and then we had a surprise twist and they managed to get two embryos into me... and neither one worked. I spent thousands on drugs and have been shooting myself up daily for six weeks now, all for nothing. I have been trying to get pregnant for well over a year and a half now and I'm just really sick of it and angry and don't understand the unfairness of it all. Most things in life, if you want it, if you try, you can make some kind of changes. I feel so helpless with this, because I have done SO MUCH and gone through countless surgeries, invasive exams, and changing my life to accommodate shots and tests, and I have nothing to show for it at all, except a general distrust of many people and a growing bitterness.

I didn't go to work yesterday and today I am working at home. I don't want to actually talk to anyone about this yet, so I'm just avoiding everyone. Eventually I'll feel better. It comes and goes. 

I know I should make an appointment with my therapist lady but I think I am not quite ready. I don't think there are easy answers for any of what I feel, and all I can do is be positive (hard right now) and try again, and also start thinking about an end date after which I need to stop trying, accept it, and move on with my life. In which case, I need to make some serious changes because it all feels rather empty right now, but I haven't had the emotional space to want to try to change it while dealing with all the fertility stuff. B and I started talking about all this yesterday, but it's not easy. Right now, I am just so tired, so angry, and so sad.