Failed FET

I have not updated this in over a year. I am sure no one is reading anymore.

But I need to write today. Twelve days ago, I flew back to Atlanta and we transferred a perfect embryo, same quality as the one that made my son. Today, I took a pregnancy test and it was negative.

This cycle was far from perfect. I had lining problems. I lost hundreds of dollars on airfare when I had to delay my transfer at the last second, because my lining was too thin again. Or was it too thin? I will never really know. My local clinic thought so, my Atlanta doctor couldn't tell from the grainy ultrasound photos, then he was gone on a critical day, and so I was delayed.

In the meantime, right after I was on estrogen for an extra five days, then given the go ahead once he saw better images, and after I re-booked the flights, I came down with walking pneumonia. I spent a week in bed. I took five days of antibiotics, overlapping with the five important days leading up to transfer and the medications I was taking for that. Then I lugged my exhausted tush down to Atlanta, when I had barely gotten out of bed for a week.

We transferred one perfect, five day blastocyst. And apparently it did not take.

I had a bad feeling, but I have been telling myself that I was being irrational. I had no spotting or cramping, as I did with my first pregnancy, but I know most people do not. The lining issues were a problem but then seemed not to be. At my transfer, the nurse commented that my lining looked good. I used such a beautiful, strong embryo. I don't know, and will ask, about the possible effects of the pneumonia, but they didn't delay my transfer and they knew about it.

So I think that the end story is, I just fell on the wrong side of the statistics this time. Even with a decent lining, adherence to meds, and a perfect embryo, someone has to fall in the failures.

The pain is sharp and numb at the same time. I held my two year old this morning and felt his warmness, and I know what a miracle he is and how he has changed my life. At the same time, I feel the loss of that embryo, that could-have-been sister or brother, son or daughter. I am staunchly pro-choice and I believe an embryo is not a child, but at the same time, it could have been my child. My much loved, much wanted one. It could have been a sweet, smiling, cuddling child. This loss is as painful as my first three IVF disappointments were. I am so grateful to have a child; at the same time, I feel the loss of a child in a more defined, concrete way. I know the smell of a new baby, and the first smile.

It's not over. I have four precious embryos left in Atlanta. I am considering: do I take a cycle off, or do I plow ahead, starting the Lupron again in three weeks? How much of a factor is this pneumonia, and will I feel better in six weeks for transfer- I assume I will by then. Can I wait and see how I am doing in two weeks? I think that is the answer.

Beta is tomorrow. I will get through today. In six hours, I will be holding my little monkey boy again. He is the best medicine, both reminder of why I am doing this and what I don't have but want again. Life is so unfair. There is no reason, no cure, nothing else I can say.

Transfer Day

I've done three IVF transfers before, but yesterday morning was the first time I've ever walked into the clinic and not wanted to burst into tears. For the first time ever, I grinned as I greeted the receptionist: I was going in for a five day blastocyst transfer- a good, strong, healthy embryo!

My friend went with me, and we got settled into the transfer room. The nurses checked my bladder and it was full enough (I was afraid I'd pee right on the table there!). The doctor and the embryologist came in, and they gave me the amazing news: of the 7 eggs that fertilized from the 8 that were provided, I had one amazing, grade AA embryo to transfer and 4 great quality blasts that had already been frozen! There are also two more that might also have been frozen today (note to self: email nurse and check to see if that happened or not).

This was above and beyond my wildest dreams and I cannot express how thrilled I am with these numbers. The clinic's nurses were all so nice, and my doctor and the embryologist were wonderful. When they projected my perfect little embryo on the screen, I couldn't help but start crying. I think my friend was crying too, just because it all seemed so magical and special. She held my hand and it felt like something truly otherworldly was happening. When I saw the bright dot at the end of the catheter released into my uterus, it felt like all of my struggles and troubles with my own eggs was almost redeemed by this one perfect embryo. I know it's weird, but I already felt like it's mine.

No, I did not transfer a cat embryo. This is just my friend's adorable kitty, and my adorable embryo.

Anyway, I don't want to get too involved or too fixated on what may or may not come to be. The doctor said with an embryo this good, my chances are about 70% success. But he cautioned me that 70% means that still 30% of cycles, even with this perfect embryo, result in a negative. I am hoping and praying that I come out on the good side of the odds for once, but I am somewhat comforted by the fact that I have either 4 or 6 blasts waiting for me, if this cycle should fail (and if not.. they are waiting, if I should want them in a couple of years...).

It was hard to watch this cycle go better than planned, when my own have failed so miserably. But I am trying not to think about this, and to instead focus on the positive. I test a week from tomorrow, and all I can do is wait, hope, and stare at the photo of my one, perfect embryo. It feels so good to have hope again.