Healing Takes Time

Eight days after my surgery, and I am still healing. Dr. F said to tell work I'd be out 2-4 weeks, and I freaked out, and then promptly took only 7 days off of work. And actually, I went in for a half day today. So I was out a total of only 6 days.

I'm still very tired, and it still hurts to bend over, and I'm trying to avoid lifting things. But overall I am much better, and am only taking the Percocet at night, and a little Motrin about 3 times a day. I am still healing, but definitely on the way up.

I am looking forward to our appointment with Dr. F on Wednesday, to talk about next steps and what he thinks our chances will be now. I'd also like to know more about long-term management of endometriosis. I am feeling hopeful yet frustrated, and okay but disappointed. It comes and goes, shifts and changes.

And now, off to wake B for dinner. I'm trying to take it easy this weekend, but we also have some fun things planned.

Books and Flowers and Fruit, Oh My!

Books from my friend Rachael, tulips from my friends/neighbors Deb & Maria, fruit bouquet from my dad, and flowers from my husband's parents. Surgery sucks, but I do feel very loved.

Surgery Belly

Surgery Report

Yesterday was the big day. I got to the hospital (actually, it was the Ambulatory Care Center next to UNC Hospitals) at 7:45 am yesterday and the surgery started around 9:30 am. It lasted an hour and a half, and I kept sleeping for an hour and a half after that. Apparently I was supposed to wake up right afterwards, but I react very strongly to drugs and slept much longer than expected. Finally, I got to go home at 2:30 pm. I spent yesterday afternoon and evening sleeping on the couch, and then in bed.

Today I am still in a lot of pain, but it's bearable. As long as I stay still, I'm fine, but I am also supposed to keep moving to get all the gas out of my belly. The gas is just as painful as the incisions, maybe more. At least today I have my appetite back, and I can drink water. Yesterday I wasn't allowed any water, only fizzy things and Gatorade, and all I wanted was a tall glass of cold water.

My mom and husband are taking good care of me, and overall I feel so happy and relieved that it's all over. My doctor had thought it was just a cyst, but he said it was very obviously endometriosis, once they got in there. I had a golf ball sized one and several small ones too. We're meeting with him on April 4th, and I have tons of questions. He implied to my mom and husband- while I was sleeping- that we should discuss whether trying to conceive naturally for 3-6 months might be a possibility we're open to, before going back to the IVF plan. I'm not sure how I feel about that, and I can't find anything online that says much. Everything is vague and says that this surgery "may" improve fertility, but no specific numbers to back that up. And so many in the support group had this surgery, had an endometriosis diagnosis, and still aren't pregnant, so I am trying not to get my hopes up. Right now, I'm too tired to think much of anything. Right now, I have to focus on healing and getting my strength back. I'm too tired to be sad, and in fact I am cautiously optimistic that maybe we can try having a baby the old-fashioned way again. We will see.

Sudden Change of Events

I am not doing IVF anymore.

On Tuesday morning, which was yesterday, I went in for an ultrasound, hoping to start stimming that night. Unfortunately, the cyst that has been there for awhile was still there, and has actually grown since it was measured in December or January. I knew things weren't good when they went to speak to the doctor.

My IVF cycle was cancelled and I was told that I would need a laparoscopy to see what the cyst is made of. I am scheduled for a laparoscopic left ovarian cystectomy tomorrow morning, to remove the cyst and possibly but hopefully not my ovary. I am no longer taking Lupron. I don't know how many months till I can start IVF again. I will be under sedation tomorrow for 1-2 hours, and in the recovery room for 1- 1/2 hours. The doctor told me that I may miss 2-4 weeks of work. For, I'm planning on missing the next 7 days and I'll see how I feel after that.

I'm scared and nervous about tomorrow, but I will get through it. This is my immediate concern, getting through this.

Afterwards, I am very worried about my mental state. This is a major setback, at least two months, and I think I might be very depressed. No Xmas baby for me. No anything baby for me, at least not for another year. Life can be so, so unfair. My friends who started trying after me have babies of several months already, and all I have is 15 months of frustration, thousands of dollars spent, no baby, and a scary surgery tomorrow. And $2000 of IVF meds that I am not allowed to use yet. It is all so amazingly depressing. I have been crying non-stop and that was when I was doing IVF. Now, I suppose I am just kind of numb. I don't know what happens or what I do when that numbness wears off. I am scared.

Feeling Bad

I have already cried twice today, in front of my boss and a colleague.

I wish I could hide under a rock for the next month.

I've emailed AND called my nurse and begged to start the shots tonight. My period was one measly day late and so now I am not allowed to start stimulation until March 31st.

So we wait. And I try not to cry in front of everyone I know and entirely ruin all these years of seeming like a professional.

I am really stressed out about work, my health, etc. I just want to go to sleep for the next 4 weeks and not do ANYTHING. I am a disaster that should not be inflicted on the general public.

Complete Set of Meds