I, on the other hand, couldn't take any notes because I spent about 60% of class time crying.
I feel pretty well balanced most of the time, mentally and emotionally. But something about being in this class full of perfectly fertile people really pushed me over the edge. At the beginning, during introductions, we were supposed to say where we'd most want to be in the world, at 10 am on a cold Saturday. So of course everyone was like, "bed." And I just couldn't help but think, "HERE." I worked for 2.5 years to get pregnant so I want to be right here! I didn't say that. But later, we had to say what we wanted to get out of the class, and I didn't plan on saying anything much, but suddenly I found myself telling the whole group how hard it was to conceive and that I can't believe I am here in this class, and that I am finding this amazing yet hard to handle. In a good way. Anyway, the instructor was great and later told me she had trouble too... but everyone else didn't react at all, and I felt like a total doofus. Then I proceeded to bawl during every birthing video we watched, and half the time in between.
I have no idea what set me off, because I'm okay most of the time. I have even gotten to the point where I can talk about my pregnancy without mentioning IVF (except clearly not in that class, where I had to TMI everyone).
Anyway, I got through it, and I learned a lot, but I was definitely the emotional mess in the room. Then on Sunday, B's asshole dad told us the photo we sent him for his holiday card isn't good because I don't look pregnant enough. Fuck you. I'm 28 weeks pregnant and I'm sorry if I can't look pregnant enough for everyone else. This is just the way I look. So we re-took it today, with me wearing a tighter shirt, but I can't be what others want me to be. I'm fine and healthy, I'm just not 9 months pregnant with a perfect belly. I don't even want to be on any stupid card.
Okay, end of vent. I just am totally confusing poor B, who seems to want to put the trauma of infertility behind us, and I thought I did too, but then I lost it in the dumb birthing class. I hope I can calm down for next week's class, but I'll just try to sit in back in case I'm a weepy mess again. They are not sad tears, more like happy and disbelief, but I realize I probably look like I need therapy and not birthing classes (I don't think I need therapy- I'm fine most of the time, and excited for March).
It's exhausting, being pregnant. But, I remember how it was not being pregnant, and fighting infertility was a million times worse. I think I can safely blame some of this on hormones, and the rest... is just me. Still infertile, now pregnant, and feeling not quite comfortable with either.
I'm so sorry to hear about the obnoxious FIL. Seriously? criticizing a holiday pic? Get a life!
ReplyDeleteYou're probably very relieved, but still traumatized by all of the fertility treatments and stress. Think about how many you went through (in a short time!) before you got pregnant. And you've got lots of hormones running through your system.
You've gone through a lot in a short time & you are incredibly strong. You are a rock star! But even rock stars break down from time to time. It makes so much sense you are crying in relief.
Thanks for your comment- having a much better day today, when the focus isn't on my belly or giving birth. And my FIL is just rude in general, so I should try not to take it so personally, sigh. Also, a friend from my RESOLVE group told me she cried throughout the birthing class she took, so I feel a little less crazy now :) Infertility doesn't go away easily, but I'm working on it.
ReplyDeleteWow, just wow to your husband's dad. That takes something special to poo-poo a holiday picture because your shirt isn't tight enough to show off enough belly. I am so sorry! I am glad there was a fellow infertile in the class and that the instructor was understanding. I can totally understand how you would bawl your way through that class! I can totally understand how you might have an overwhelming feeling of OHMYGODIAMFINALLYHERE and a feeling of, "why aren't these other people just so GRATEFUL to be here, having this experience?" When I am (hopefully) in a birthing class of my own sometime soon, I know that I will wonder the same thing. And if there was no one who also had difficulty it would feel very, very lonely. I think it's hard to poof, be pregnant and NOT have those infertile feelings. You're kind of both. You're successful, but there's a lot of baggage in that belly, a lot of pain and loss and stress that none of those "I'd rather be in bed" people can probably fathom. In some way or another I'd imagine it always stays with you, but in time it's not so raw. I hope. How exciting that you're here, at the birthing class point! Thinking of you as you count down to meeting your miracle.
ReplyDeleteI had the same reaction in the birthing classes I took. For some reason, I felt like I needed to tell everyone that I wasn't supposed to be there...that I had given birth before but that it was at 19 weeks and to a dead baby...that I wasn't like them. It was weird and emotional, but I'm glad I went. After my daughter's birth, I told her birth story at a birthing class and completely, totally lost it...like in the first sentence and all throughout the story. It was incredibly cathartic to share that journey with the group...but they never asked me back, go figure. (-:
ReplyDeleteThanks, Em. It's so good to hear that others have struggled with the same feelings. It makes me feel a lot less alone. I've opted not to have a baby shower for many reasons, but the main one is that I don't think I can hold myself together. But I have hope that things will get easier and I can celebrate once I have a healthy baby here with me in March. I am enjoying pregnancy more and more, as the kicks become more constant and reassuring.
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