Monday, January 30, 2012

HSG Nightmare

Today I had my HSG test. It was awful. I had read descriptions of it not hurting and of it being absolutely terrible and painful, and mine fell somewhere in between, leaning towards terrible. I took 3 ibuprofens but I didn't expect it to hurt so much. Sharp, stabbing pains, worse than period cramps, and pressure from the dye being pushed in. Now I know the sharp cramping was from the clips holding onto my cervix. I was so glad Brian was there, especially when I felt so faint and dizzy and my blood pressure dropped once the procedure was over and I tried to sit up. They had to call a nurse to take my vital signs, but I was okay and allowed to leave after a few more minutes.

However, it's over, and I should never have to do one again. I spent all day resting and all afternoon sleeping, with continued grogginess and mild to medium cramping continuing. It's been a rough day. On the good side, I guess, my tubes are open and my uterus is normal. So, mystery still not solved.

Next appointment is in two days, to discuss next steps with Dr. F. I want to move forward with IVF soon.

I will write about my acupuncture session another day. I am not sure if I want to keep going, but I will give it another chance next Saturday.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Acupuncture Day

At 12:30 today I have my first acupuncture session. I feel like I'm grasping at straws at this point. We all (okay, me myself and I) know where this story is heading. I am speaking to Dr. F next Wednesday about beginning IVF. It's time. Five cycles of Clomid didn't do it and Femara or Letrozole gave me an insufficient luteal phase. So, HSG test on Monday, then talk to Dr. F about IVF on Wednesday. The sooner we can start, the better. I just am so worn out and tired of this whole process. I'm ready. And I pray that it works.

Friday, January 20, 2012

Failed, Medicated Cycle #6

Got my period today. Cried. A lot.

B's sister sent me this book on Chinese medicine and I was tempted to toss it aside. Quack science. But I just read the into and think I might give it an open-minded read.

From the intro:
"I can't know the pain you may have experienced in your quest for conception- the disappointment, the frustration, the hope and the hopelessness of each negative pregnancy test. Perhaps you, like me, have felt the heartbreak of conceiving and losing a child. Perhaps, like me, you have given the power over your own body to doctors in the hope that somehow they will make everything better. I don't know why we have been chose to undertake such a painful journey, why we must go through such struggles to bring our children into the world. But I do know that when we look into our babies' faces, they will never have to wonder if they were really wanted. Ours are the children who, no matter how they came to us, will look at their parents and know, from the deepest place in their heart, how much we cherish them, and how we labored to give them life. And in that there is no greater security and no greater gift.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Nervous and crampy

Today is 10 dpo. I called in sick today because I needed a mental health day.

On Sunday, 7 dpo, I had a tiny bit of red discharge- more like red stringy lines- after peeing. But we'd made love that morning, and that has happened to me occasionally even when on birth control. So I wasn't too worried.

Nothing happened Monday, 8 dpo. But yesterday, Tuesday, my temperature fell (just a tiny bit- from 98.7 to 98.5) and I had the red lines and some brown discharge late in the afternoon. Since it was 9 dpo, I got my hopes up, thinking maybe it was implantation spotting. The spotting only happened once and I was rushing so I didn't get to really check it out.

Then today, 10 dpo, my temp fell a tiny bit again, to 98.4. Still well above the 98.0 cover line, but two days of slight dips, and the spotting on day 9. I was totally sad this morning and couldn't take going into work.

However, am feeling a bit better now. Had a good breakfast, am sitting in my bathrobe in the sun on my comfy couch, and found this to give me a little bit of hope:

Apparently a dip is very normal, as is spotting. Before this, I have never spotted before day 11 (on a medicated cycle), and yesterday was only day 9. So I think I can allow some very cautious hope to come back. Please, please, please, let this be the cycle. I want this so bad. I can't wait for the next few days to pass.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Temp up, whew!

Feeling much better today. My temp spiked up to a normal level. I'm still pretty sure that Monday was dpo 1, and today is day 3, because Monday was over the cover line, and I did have that positive ovulation test on Friday night. Also, online sources and the TCOYF book both say that a slow rise can be perfectly normal. The women in the RESOLVE support group last night also said they've had slow rises and it's fine, especially on a new medication. So, I think I can relax about it. I'll still keep temping, since this is my first Femara cycle, but I am not too worried anymore. I won't bother to go in for a progesterone test.

As mentioned above, I attended my very first RESOLVE support group meeting last night. It was in Raleigh and there were about 6 other women and 3 husbands. Some of them were in their late 30s, some were closer to my age. Most have been through or are trying IVF, one person hasn't done anything at all (she has two adopted sons) , one woman is where I am with only meds so far, and one woman was newly pregnant from her third IVF try.

I found it very sad that all these nice woman can't have children and this is what they all want. I could see every single one of them being a wonderful mom, and it just broke my heart to hear their stories. I guess I still have this hope that Femara will work for me and that I won't be in their place, paying tens of thousands for IVF and injecting all those drugs. But I did learn a lot about the process, was reassured that I can switch clinics if I want IVF (it's cheaper at NCCRM than at my clinic), and of course the thing about my slow-rise temps.

It's depressing to acknowledge that I really do have a medical disease- infertility- but I still feel myself setting apart from most of these women. I won't need IVF. Femara is gonna work.... right? Right? Right?

Monday, January 9, 2012

Short lived happiness. On to confusion.

Okay, so I was thrilled Friday night, only to wake up Sunday and not have a temperature rise. O-kay. Pushed it out of mind... but then, today's rise was above the cover line, but just.


I was totally crushed this morning, and still am feeling rather blue. I keep reading online that a slow rise can be totally okay, but of course I am worried that I did not ovulate. My CM was eggwhite-ish and the test was VERY clear, so I'm praying that I get a continued higher rise tomorrow and I can relax.

If no rise tomorrow, I should get a progesterone test on Wednesday. The doctor already wrote me a script for it.

Is it so much to ask that for ONCE, one cycle would work? I hate this confusion and disappointment every time. Nothing is ever on schedule, predictable, or easy. I just want this period of my life to be over.

Friday, January 6, 2012

Yay, ovulation!

Yay yay yay! Took another ovulation test just now and it's DEFINITELY a positive. I am about to ovulate! I don't have a cyst! My size was good, my lining good, and maybe Femara is the magic drug for me.

As I was dancing around the living room with the positive ovulation test, I was hoping that in two weeks I will be dancing around with a positive pregnancy test.... Wish me luck!

Femara report

Had my much-awaited doctor's appointment today. My uterine lining is great, the three lines are very visible... and I'm either about to ovulate, or I have a big, complex cyst.

If I get a surge over the weekend, then it was most likely a follicle and not a cyst. If I don't get a surge, it was a cyst.

I might have gotten the LH surge this afternoon, but I am not 100% sure. I'll test again after work, and see if my temperature rises on Sunday. Here's hoping.

In other news, if I am not pregnant this month, then I'll be having an HSG test in about three weeks, followed by another ultrasound to check on the cyst and talk about the HSG results, and the next steps. For now, we're sticking with a second month of Femara if I do not conceive this cycle.

I am trying not to get my hopes up too much, and I am definitely less anxious than I used to be. Maybe I've gotten used to disappointment, or gotten tired of the stress, I don't know.

On the plus side, Dr. F. gave me his blessing to exercise in my normal manner during the 2WW. I had been toning it down those two weeks, but I think I am done with that. I don't think an hour of exercise is really going to prevent me from getting pregnant. It will either happen or it won't.

Tired but feeling okay with all this. I guess.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

CD 11 of Femara, Round 1

We went to Mexico, and I got my period. Oh, well. I guess Clomid wasn't the drug for me. Anyway, today is day 11 of my first Femara cycle, and I meet with Dr. F. on Friday, which is day 14. I am eagerly anticipating that meeting, and seeing (via ultrasound) if Femara is doing anything. I am also more seriously considering acupuncture, though I will wait and see if we are going to stick with Femara or move on to IVF.

Part of me is starting to have doubts lately. If it's this hard to get pregnant, is it a sign? Brian thinks I am being ridiculous, but I just keep searching for meaning in this journey. Is there a reason for what is happening to me? Was I mean to not have children? Is this some kind of blessing in disguise?
Our time in Mexico was wonderful. Just me and B, on vacation in a foreign country, visiting ruins and beaches and loving it and each other. I could get really into trips each year, or more than once a year. Then, we went to Chicago, and his niece and nephew just drove me up the wall. So much crying, whining and screaming, UGH. All of this made me further question why we are trying so hard to change our lives in this way. We have it pretty good the way it is.

But, something inside me still wants this so badly. This week, checking the fertility blogs that I follow, I see that two long-time infertiles are both pregnant. One from IVF, the other I'm not sure but I think just naturally. Wow. This gives me a ray of unexpected hope. Of course, I hope not to wait 3 years. One has been hard enough.

So, maybe Femara will be my drug, but more and more, I'm realizing that IVF is probably going to be what it takes. And that may not even work. I guess it's beyond my control, but I hope to come to peace with whatever will happen. Good night.