Tuesday, September 27, 2011

12 dpo and getting ants in my pants

Day 12. Last month I got my period after day 13, and my temps also dropped. So tomorrow or the next day will be the day. I am praying that I won't get it, of course, but preparing myself internally for disappointment. I am starting to get nervous, though, as the time draws closer. Last night my husband wanted to make love and I was too scared to, because I didn't want to see any red signs of my period coming and then be sad too soon. I just want to hold onto this hope for a little while longer, I guess.

Monday, September 26, 2011

I never knew 14 days could take so long

Hello from 11 dpo. This last week and a half have felt like a year and a half, but it's almost over. Just a few more days. I'm pretty sure I won't be pregnant, though of course I have wild blind hope that I will be. But yesterday I was spotting a little, and a tiny bit today. I know that doesn't necessarily mean anything, but it doesn't seem encouraging to me either. In my very emotional state, it's been enough to make me feel sad for the last couple of days. Still, my temp today was still above the cover line (though slightly lower than the past several days) and so I continue to hope. I will know for sure on Wednesday or Thursday.

If I am not pregnant and I have to take time off from Clomid, I'm leaning towards switching clinics. I don't like how I haven't gotten a clear explanation from my doctor about why they read my ultrasound incorrectly last time (and I therefore didn't BD on the day I ovulated). And getting anyone to return calls or emails is such a nightmare. I don't trust them at all. I don't feel like my care is personalized or anything. So, perhaps time to move on. Maybe a private clinic rather than a large state hospital will be what I need. Even if it a long drive away.

I still have hope, but I'm trying to prepare myself for the very possible disappointment that might come this way in a couple of days.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011


I'm feeling really down tonight. I'm doubting I will get pregnant ever, or at least not for a very long time and with lots of intervention. Today is three months after my 31st birthday and we've been trying to conceive for almost 9 months. It sucks that I started trying when I was 30 1/2 and the absolute earliest I could be having a child is when I'm just about 32. And maybe not for a year or more after that, even.

Yet, meanwhile, my husband's sister managed to get pregnant "without even trying" and very likely on the first month she "didn't try" when she was 38. THIRTY-EIGHT. And two of her FORTY year old friends also have newborns. And me? Nothing. All because of my stupid, unresponsive ovaries.

And now, if I can't get pregnant this month, and my cyst is still there, what then? I go off Clomid and have another 45+ day cycle, and THEN MAYBE start Clomid again so wait another 18 days till I ovulate?? So we're talking another 65+ days till I even have a shot at conceiving??

This just feels all so... never-ending. Never, ever ending. I am so sick of months coming and going when I thought I'd be preparing to expect a baby. No one ever warned me it might be this hard.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Waiting game

Well, 28 hours after I emailed my doctor, she finally found the time to call me back. She said it does sound like I've ovulated, since I've had five high temps. She didn't know how to explain why my ultrasound showed all small follicles, except the one huge 40mm cyst. She really didn't have any explanation for me. All I know is that I must have ovulated that same day.

Anyway, the huge cyst might be a problem, so I'm to come back for a baseline ultrasound if I get my period next week. Then we'll decide if I should stay on the Clomid, and what to do about dosage.

I'm telling you, if I have to take a month off of drugs, I am going on vacation! I need a break from all this, and it's impossible for us to plan our usual Xmas get-away, since we never know if I'll be pregnant or not, and I don't want to fly if I'm still in my first trimester. Ugh, all this not-knowing is very stressful. I've been handling it better than last month, my first one on Clomid, but I'm still eager for time to speed up and for it to be day 13 already. Hopefully day 13, 14, 15 and beyond- with no period.

Good night,

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Can an ultrasound be wrong?

So either I am pretty late ovulating, or I am 3 dpo (days past ovulation). I have no idea which one and I'm not sure what to think. Here's the deal: I had my mid-cycle ultrasound on day 18 (last month I ovulated on day 21 or 22). I had gotten what I thought was probably a positive ovulation test the day before- day 17. It was definitely as dark as the control line, though not darker like last month when I had a positive ovulation test. So I was unsure, and I told the residents when they did my ultrasound. They looked, and said they didn't think I had ovulated, that my lining was still thinner than it should be (7.5, when ideally it's 8-12, but at least I was above 6, what is considered the minimum), and that they saw one huge cyst (40mm) and a bunch of small ones, like around 11-14 mm (I can't remember if they said 11 or 14. forgive me, but it was 7:30 am and I am not human yet at that hour. I was also nervous and upset, as always at the doctor's when I have a huge wand up my wazoo).

Anyway, they said it looked to them like I had not ovulated, but that I was on track to ovulate on Monday, day 22, just like last month.

I accepted this, and carried on, and have continued to do ovulation tests. Today is day 21, Sunday, and I have not really gotten a positive test yes (today's was darker than normal, but not as dark as Wednesday's). However, this is the weird part: I got that positive test last Wednesday, and my temperature spiked on Friday morning. It's been high each day since.

So it does seem that I might have ovulated. I don't know why it wouldn't appear that way on my ultrasound, except that they don't seem very reliable to me. More an art than a science. Last month they told me I had already ovulated, when in fact I wouldn't for another week. So, I kinda think those residents might be, uh, not that good at ultrasounds. Or it's just hard to read. Or they did say that big cyst was making things really hard to see.

So, I'm trying not to obsess, and we're just continuing to try to make a baby every other day, and I'll keep peeing in a cup and temping. I'm hoping that I really am 3dpo and not just not ovulating. I think I will email my doctor tomorrow and ask, "Can an ultrasound be wrong???"

Has anyone else ever gotten mixed messages like this? Or had a similar reason to doubt the ultrasounds???

Thanks for reading, whoever you are. Good night.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

First post: 9 long months of infertility

After nine long months of trying to get pregnant, I feel like I've had it. I've had it with being positive and trying to "have faith" and acting hopeful all the time. I've had it with taking my temperature and charting and going to endless vaginal ultrasounds at the god awful time of 7:30 am at the hospital. I've had it with peeing in a cup in public bathrooms, being the weird lurker who is sitting in the stall for 5 minutes (while waiting for my ovulation test's 5 minute reaction time) and I've had it with scrutinizing each pee strip to hope, hope, hope that this month I will have an earlier ovulation.

I'm not giving up. I'm still trying. I just have hit a brick wall with feeling good about my fertility and I'm realizing I need better coping methods. Expecting my friends to listen isn't working- they all have newborns. My mom just worries when I don't have good news or at least an upbeat manner. My dad is horrified and doesn't want to talk about it, probably because he feels terrible. And my husband.. well, he's as sad as I am, but he's... very male about this whole thing. He just doesn't really want to talk about it as much as I do. Also, he is a wonderful cheerful positive person who does have faith. And I get sick of being the cynical party pooper who is crying over her (lack of) cervical mucus yet again.

So, I've contacted my old marriage therapist (from back when we first got married and went for a few months as we eased into married life) to ask if I can meet with her about coping strategies. And since I've been obsessively reading others' fertility blogs, I thought I'd try my own and see if it gives me a nice, constructive way to vent. Right now I'm not comfortable sharing it with my friends or giving too many personal details (like, uh, my name) but we'll see how it goes. And of course, I am hoping that this month or the month after or the one after that, I will have good news.

The story up till now: I'm 31 years old, my husband is 36. We met 6 years ago, when we'd both moved to this cute little hippie college town in the South. We like to tell people we met in a parking lot, and it's actually true. I thought he was cute from the moment I met him, and I don't think that about many guys.

In any case, that stuff doesn't have too much bearing to my infertility problems, except to say that I am not the type of girl who pretended all her dolls were babies (actually, I didn't have dolls. my mom was more the scary-stuffed-animal type) or envisioned Mommy being her favorite name. But, my husband loves kids, and I love my cat beyond belief, and I have enough love that I think I'd be a good parent.

So, after 7 years of being on the Pill, my husband and I had decent jobs and had saved enough money to feel okay with trying to have a baby. We even finished our massive student loans. We own a beautiful house in our little hippie eco-village and we've left the upstairs room pretty undecorated... always waiting to be a nursery, I guess. So, quit the Pill on Christmas Eve, while in Peru on Our Last Big Vacation, and... nothing. No period for a very long time. Finally, it came... but then, again, 45+ days passed before another period. Okay, maybe it was just the Pill. I waited, waited, and meanwhile we were screwing like bunnies from day 14 onwards. I have never been so sick of sex in my life as during that time. We even got so sick of it that my husband would have to look at porn first, just so we could, um, get it sort of over with quickly. Oh gosh, that sounds terrible! Well, if you've tried and tried and tried, you'd understand. In fact, when I got a UTI, my doctor was like, "Um, yeah, you've been having a lot of sex!" Ha. Too much of a good thing is, I can attest, too much.

Anyway, after 5 months of being off the Pill and still having wacky periods, I went to the doctor, and was then referred to a reproductive endocrinologist. I first saw her in early July, two months ago. She agreed my cycle is not right, especially my lame 9 day luteal phase. So, we tried Clomid, and it shortened my cycle to 35 days, including a very nice 13 day luteal phase. But I didn't get pregnant.

Which brings me to today. I'm on my second round of Clomid, and went in for my ultrasound today, on day 18. My lining looks good, and my follicles are small but probably on track for another day 22 ovulation. Now, I wait again, pee in little cups in the public restroom at work and probably weird everyone out with my bathroom hovering, and then hopefully ovulate and with the grace of God and the luck of the universe, maybe, just maybe, after 9 long months, have a happy ending to the terrible waiting game that is my infertility.

Thanks for reading and wish me the best follicles a girl can grow. Good night.