First post: 9 long months of infertility

After nine long months of trying to get pregnant, I feel like I've had it. I've had it with being positive and trying to "have faith" and acting hopeful all the time. I've had it with taking my temperature and charting and going to endless vaginal ultrasounds at the god awful time of 7:30 am at the hospital. I've had it with peeing in a cup in public bathrooms, being the weird lurker who is sitting in the stall for 5 minutes (while waiting for my ovulation test's 5 minute reaction time) and I've had it with scrutinizing each pee strip to hope, hope, hope that this month I will have an earlier ovulation.

I'm not giving up. I'm still trying. I just have hit a brick wall with feeling good about my fertility and I'm realizing I need better coping methods. Expecting my friends to listen isn't working- they all have newborns. My mom just worries when I don't have good news or at least an upbeat manner. My dad is horrified and doesn't want to talk about it, probably because he feels terrible. And my husband.. well, he's as sad as I am, but he's... very male about this whole thing. He just doesn't really want to talk about it as much as I do. Also, he is a wonderful cheerful positive person who does have faith. And I get sick of being the cynical party pooper who is crying over her (lack of) cervical mucus yet again.

So, I've contacted my old marriage therapist (from back when we first got married and went for a few months as we eased into married life) to ask if I can meet with her about coping strategies. And since I've been obsessively reading others' fertility blogs, I thought I'd try my own and see if it gives me a nice, constructive way to vent. Right now I'm not comfortable sharing it with my friends or giving too many personal details (like, uh, my name) but we'll see how it goes. And of course, I am hoping that this month or the month after or the one after that, I will have good news.

The story up till now: I'm 31 years old, my husband is 36. We met 6 years ago, when we'd both moved to this cute little hippie college town in the South. We like to tell people we met in a parking lot, and it's actually true. I thought he was cute from the moment I met him, and I don't think that about many guys.

In any case, that stuff doesn't have too much bearing to my infertility problems, except to say that I am not the type of girl who pretended all her dolls were babies (actually, I didn't have dolls. my mom was more the scary-stuffed-animal type) or envisioned Mommy being her favorite name. But, my husband loves kids, and I love my cat beyond belief, and I have enough love that I think I'd be a good parent.

So, after 7 years of being on the Pill, my husband and I had decent jobs and had saved enough money to feel okay with trying to have a baby. We even finished our massive student loans. We own a beautiful house in our little hippie eco-village and we've left the upstairs room pretty undecorated... always waiting to be a nursery, I guess. So, quit the Pill on Christmas Eve, while in Peru on Our Last Big Vacation, and... nothing. No period for a very long time. Finally, it came... but then, again, 45+ days passed before another period. Okay, maybe it was just the Pill. I waited, waited, and meanwhile we were screwing like bunnies from day 14 onwards. I have never been so sick of sex in my life as during that time. We even got so sick of it that my husband would have to look at porn first, just so we could, um, get it sort of over with quickly. Oh gosh, that sounds terrible! Well, if you've tried and tried and tried, you'd understand. In fact, when I got a UTI, my doctor was like, "Um, yeah, you've been having a lot of sex!" Ha. Too much of a good thing is, I can attest, too much.

Anyway, after 5 months of being off the Pill and still having wacky periods, I went to the doctor, and was then referred to a reproductive endocrinologist. I first saw her in early July, two months ago. She agreed my cycle is not right, especially my lame 9 day luteal phase. So, we tried Clomid, and it shortened my cycle to 35 days, including a very nice 13 day luteal phase. But I didn't get pregnant.

Which brings me to today. I'm on my second round of Clomid, and went in for my ultrasound today, on day 18. My lining looks good, and my follicles are small but probably on track for another day 22 ovulation. Now, I wait again, pee in little cups in the public restroom at work and probably weird everyone out with my bathroom hovering, and then hopefully ovulate and with the grace of God and the luck of the universe, maybe, just maybe, after 9 long months, have a happy ending to the terrible waiting game that is my infertility.

Thanks for reading and wish me the best follicles a girl can grow. Good night.