Thursday, June 30, 2016

Where Did Hope Go? Update on FET

I'm not doing any work anyway, so may as well post an update on my fertility saga here.

Today I had another ultrasound to see if we can try to get me pregnant again- when I think of the most recent series of event, I include the negative pregnancy test in March after a frozen embryo transfer with a five day delay due to lining problems, then a cancelled cycle in May when my uterine lining absolutely didn't respond to medications, then three weeks of antibiotics, and now ten days of using the estrogen patches instead of pills.

I went in today fully expecting no growth again, and for today to be the end of medications, ultrasounds, and for us to be a single-child family. Well, my lining DID grow. Not a stellar result, but enough to do a few more days of meds and check again on Tuesday.

So you'd think I'd be happy, right? Instead I am.. tired. Tired of all this crap. It's been months and months of ups and downs- mostly downs- and both of us are actually really coming around to the idea of stopping treatment. Having one child is sounding very appealing to me. I was an anxious pregnant lady, and the newborn days were not kind to me. Financially we can afford a second, but it will be tough, and we can afford some awesome vacations with our only kid and to retire much earlier with only one- I've been checking out Alaska trips with the refund we'll get if we quit treatment. And a few days ago I held my friend's newborn and I was happy to cuddle her.. and then equally happy to hand her back.

So, what does this mean? I feel like I have to at least continue meds till Tuesday and then see what my lining is like, but I'm trying to figure out what is going on with me, who so desperately wanted another child just a month ago. Am I insulating myself from hope by blocking all positive thinking? Or did I really just change my mind? How does one decide to have or not have a second child? Will I regret not moving forward, if we decide to stop, because the infant days are short and a family is for life? I am on a waiting list for a therapist because I honestly cannot figure out what I want. It's very confusing. I endured years of infertility and surgery and treatment to have my now-28 month old, and cried my heart out when the March pregnancy test was negative, so why am I so ambivalent now? WTF is wrong with me?

Thursday, June 16, 2016

Update on lining troubles and FET future plans

Fertility update and mind dump coming.

Since our last cycle was canceled due to my uterine lining not growing enough, I have been ok. Sort of. I've been taking more Valium than I should, and crying more often than I'd like. But, I don't want to focus on that right now.

I have been offered two choices: surgery to evaluate and possibly repair my uterus, which may have sustained unknown damage during my c-section two years ago or might just be invaded my endometriosis again (Asherman's Syndrome is a possibility), or simply try a different form of estrogen supplementation- the patch, which is what I used back when I got pregnant with my now-toddler, and see if that thickens my lining.

We had a long talk and we've decided to try the estrogen patch option to see if that does anything, but if not, to stop. The surgery option is outpatient surgery and I've had surgery before, but neither of us is excited and frankly I am terrified. Furthermore, it will cost a lot, and is no guarantee either- ie. it could be for nothing, and it's totally unnecessary beyond fertility. My long term health is fine, beyond regular endometriosis symptoms that I can control by staying on the pill till menopause.

So, these are the facts. We'll try this one last option, but not go to extreme lengths. These are my husband's wishes and he was the one who originally wanted a larger family. As for me? I don't know. I keep asking God and the universe and myself: what do I want? I know I am scared of surgery. I know I want another baby, but I also can see the myriad benefits of just one, and of moving on with our lives. I do not especially want to be pregnant again. I never want to breastfeed again. I am worried about the finances of having two kids and working.

But: how do you KNOW what is best for your future? How do you choose something that will affect you the rest of your life? How do you turn down the unknown path? What do you do when you squint into the distance and it's just... murky? I don't feel that I am being called to have another child, but I also think of those could-be embryos and what they would be like and I feel sharp, deep, intense grief and longing. Of course, we might find out because we plan to donate them to a family that can't afford the treatment we did, but still, they won't be our children once we turn them over. So, I guess I need to sit with this, but I don't want to sit too long. I want to move on and I just need to figure out how to turn away from the road not taken. How does one do this?