Thursday, June 30, 2016

Where Did Hope Go? Update on FET

I'm not doing any work anyway, so may as well post an update on my fertility saga here.

Today I had another ultrasound to see if we can try to get me pregnant again- when I think of the most recent series of event, I include the negative pregnancy test in March after a frozen embryo transfer with a five day delay due to lining problems, then a cancelled cycle in May when my uterine lining absolutely didn't respond to medications, then three weeks of antibiotics, and now ten days of using the estrogen patches instead of pills.

I went in today fully expecting no growth again, and for today to be the end of medications, ultrasounds, and for us to be a single-child family. Well, my lining DID grow. Not a stellar result, but enough to do a few more days of meds and check again on Tuesday.

So you'd think I'd be happy, right? Instead I am.. tired. Tired of all this crap. It's been months and months of ups and downs- mostly downs- and both of us are actually really coming around to the idea of stopping treatment. Having one child is sounding very appealing to me. I was an anxious pregnant lady, and the newborn days were not kind to me. Financially we can afford a second, but it will be tough, and we can afford some awesome vacations with our only kid and to retire much earlier with only one- I've been checking out Alaska trips with the refund we'll get if we quit treatment. And a few days ago I held my friend's newborn and I was happy to cuddle her.. and then equally happy to hand her back.

So, what does this mean? I feel like I have to at least continue meds till Tuesday and then see what my lining is like, but I'm trying to figure out what is going on with me, who so desperately wanted another child just a month ago. Am I insulating myself from hope by blocking all positive thinking? Or did I really just change my mind? How does one decide to have or not have a second child? Will I regret not moving forward, if we decide to stop, because the infant days are short and a family is for life? I am on a waiting list for a therapist because I honestly cannot figure out what I want. It's very confusing. I endured years of infertility and surgery and treatment to have my now-28 month old, and cried my heart out when the March pregnancy test was negative, so why am I so ambivalent now? WTF is wrong with me?

3 comments:

  1. Nothing...nothing is wrong with you (although I think the same thing to myself all the time, WTF is wrong with me!?). I think you're doing a great job sorting through all the complicated emotions and logistics of trying for your second child, and looking at all of the pieces to this particular puzzle. I don't think there's anything wrong with looking at everything and saying, "you know what? ENOUGH." I think it is the hardest thing to do, to make that decision on your own without someone else doing it for you. I hope you find a great therapist to help you muddle through it all, but I don't think anything is wrong with you. I think that we underestimate just how much of a toll all of this cycle stuff takes on every part of yourself, and that these decisions are so fraught with emotion and so unfair. Not that "fair" is a real thing, but there are so many out there who want a second kid and POOF! Second kid. They don't realize how complex it can be for those who struggle. I am thinking of you as you make your way through these thoughts and decisions. Whatever you decide, it will be for the best for your family. Can I promise no regrets? There's always something to look back on and wish you did differently, but if you're thinking through it you can honestly say you did what was best at the time and know that there are plenty of advantages to having a family of three. So much peace to you!

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  2. Thinking of you. Send word of your latest when you can. --TUT

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    1. Thank you. It's over, we're not having a second child. I'm struggling to be ok with this, and each day is getting easier, but I have been neglectful of my blog because sometimes really talking about it is hard. But one of these days I will do an update :) Thanks for asking.

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