Thursday, November 29, 2012

Adoption Thoughts

No news on my period yet, but came across a quote in a book about adoption that made me get all teary on the couch last night:

    She is a joyous girl, but her questions began, if only tentatively. "Why did you choose me? Were the other babies ugly?"
    "I chose you because I fell in love with you when you turned your head and looked into my eyes," I
    tell her. "I saw your soul, and knew you were my daughter."

As much as I am totally committed to doing IVF one or possibly two more times, I find myself being more and more open to adoption. Hearing from the adoption foundation that came to speak at Resolve and the founders who shared their personal story of five miscarriages and eventual adoption and their great love for their son, and reading Dan Savage's book about adopting, both made me more deeply consider it as a viable and even happy option. Being a mother is about parenting, and not pregnancy, and these books and the couple from Goetz made me contemplate this possibility. I know that B feels strongly that he wants that biological link, but he is also totally committed to having a child by whatever means possible, and so he is open to it too. In fact, it's me pushing the last couple of tries with IVF- I want to feel that I did everything possible (also, it would be cheaper if it works, and at least we'd feel comfortable with our genetics and no depression/cancer/etc and a guarantee of no smoking/drinking during pregnancy).

Anyway, it also reminds me of the other two quotes that constantly go through my head, both of which I have posted on this blog earlier and also make me cry to re-read:

     I can't know the pain you may have experienced in your quest for conception- the disappointment, the frustration, the hope and the hopelessness of each negative pregnancy test. Perhaps you, like me, have felt the heartbreak of conceiving and losing a child. Perhaps, like me, you have given the power over your own body to doctors in the hope that somehow they will make everything better. I don't know why we have been chosen to undertake such a painful journey, why we must go through such struggles to bring our children into the world. But I do know that when we look into our babies' faces, they will never have to wonder if they were really wanted. Ours are the children who, no matter how they came to us, will look at their parents and know, from the deepest place in their heart, how much we cherish them, and how we labored to give them life. And in that there is no greater security and no greater gift. 
(from a book on acupuncture, can't remember the title)


“I’m not saying it’s going to be easy. I’m saying it’s going to be worth it.”
(Quote read on someone else's fertility blog)

and finally, from my mom:

You, my sweetness, were wanted, planned, and adored from your very first moment. I think this is a case of "quality over quantity." When people have asked me, why i did not have any other children since i love and enjoy you so much, i say that i had one perfect winner. why would i want to screw the odds.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Day 32

Day 32 of my cycle and no period. WTF? I used to have long cycles, but I thought the endo surgery would help correct that. I've only done one natural cycle since then, and it was only 26 days. I wimped out and took a pregnancy test two days ago, and of course it was negative. So now I don't know what to do except wait, and see. If I still don't get it by Saturday, I can test again, but I'm sure it will come. It would be a miracle, an absolute miracle, if I got pregnant before starting this whole IVF mess again, but miracles don't happen to me anymore. Not when it comes to my fertility.

I really just don't understand. If my long cycles and delayed ovulation were my endo, then what's the deal now, post-surgery? What is wrong with me? If we thought maybe it was mainly B's confused sperm, which the tests show being borderline for forward motility and the one non-ICSI IVF confirmed an abysmal fertilization rate, then this long cycle shows that isn't it either. My egg quality sucked during the IVFs but I thought maybe I was over-suppressed. I just don't understand. Everything else about me is so healthy, and I eat well and exercise and I wouldn't say I am under undue stress. Aughh!

In other fertility news, I am still the de facto coordinator of the RESOLVE support group, and still wondering how to handle the problem we had last meeting with a new person. Today I talked to a woman at the national headquarters, about our "difficult" new person. She talked/complained about her children (three of them! for real) and bragged about her 100% insurance coverage (and adoption coverage too). I am nervous to talk to her before the next meeting, but it has to be done. We don't want anyone to feel uncomfortable, and she really dominated the group. Not okay. Hopefully she will not come back, or has found support some other way. Sigh.

Anyway, for now I will continue life as usual, just waiting for my period, hoping it won't come, but wishing it would soon if it's gonna. I'm terrified of the water sonogram but just want to get it over with too. Also, we leave for Ecuador in two and a half weeks (exciting!) and I'd like to have our January plan set up before then.

I can't believe it's been two years. I should have a baby in my arms now, but no. It's just me, my distracted husband, and my spoiled kitty cat. Same old, same old. Not feeling very cheerful today.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Annoyance, and Waiting

I really enjoy a class at my gym called Body Pump. I like to go on Sunday afternoons, but sometimes my weekends get really busy and I end up missing the class. They offer a Monday evening Pump, and I used to attend that one sometimes.

Till about three or four months ago, due to the instructor. She is about my age, maybe younger, and had to mention EVERY song how she is pregnant. I mean, she was like 7 months pregnant at the time. It was OBVIOUS she was huge, yet she had to chirp before every song, "Well I won't be doing this move the same way as y'all, because I'M PREGNANT." Or "This move is really hard for me because I'M PREGNANT." UMMMM DUHHHH. I didn't mind seeing her pregnant belly, but hearing about it 10 times in an hour was too much for me. I quit going.

So months have gone by, and I figured she'd either be on maternity leave or be back to teaching again, post-baby. I went to the class last night, and there she was, no pregnant belly. Great! Except as luck would have it, it was her first class back at the gym after having her baby. And she had to mention it not once, not twice, but again, almost EVERY song. "This one is sooo hard because I didn't do it the whole time I was pregnant" or "Gosh this is nice again, after it was so hard while I was pregnant." I can understand one or two comments, but continuously? She never complained about pregnancy, so at least there was that. But omg, she had to TELL US her birthing details. NO ONE ASKED. She told us it took 3 hours, it was uncomplicated, no medical intervention, and she had a midwife. Like I give a flying fuck. Also, I learned that it was her second baby! For all the obsessive talking about BEING PREGNANT she used to do, I had assumed it was her first one. Geez.

In any case, now I know to definitely avoid the Monday class for a while longer. I wish there were a way to complain, but there really isn't. Sadly, although she is annoying as hell, it's a case of where it's me, not her, that is the issue.

In other news, I have no news. Today is day 24 of my cycle. I have been very bad. We tried conception sex every other day from day 13 to day 20, but I've still kept drinking. I never have been a huge drinker, but lately I've been upping it. I've had between 1 and 3 glasses of wine each night for the past two weeks, probably leaning more towards the 3 glasses. I used to not drink after ovulation, but frankly, the chances of it happening are so slim that I have pretty much given up. However, I probably should stop soon, just in case.

Anyway, I should get my period within the next week or so, and then I call Duke to set up blood test and the water sonogram thing (hydrosonogram?). I was terrified of it, but B, another woman in my support group, has reassured me a bit, as she just had hers at UNC today. I think I will take some Percocet and practice controlled breathing and try to get through it that way.

Will update again once I have news of my period and the next steps.