Day 32

Day 32 of my cycle and no period. WTF? I used to have long cycles, but I thought the endo surgery would help correct that. I've only done one natural cycle since then, and it was only 26 days. I wimped out and took a pregnancy test two days ago, and of course it was negative. So now I don't know what to do except wait, and see. If I still don't get it by Saturday, I can test again, but I'm sure it will come. It would be a miracle, an absolute miracle, if I got pregnant before starting this whole IVF mess again, but miracles don't happen to me anymore. Not when it comes to my fertility.

I really just don't understand. If my long cycles and delayed ovulation were my endo, then what's the deal now, post-surgery? What is wrong with me? If we thought maybe it was mainly B's confused sperm, which the tests show being borderline for forward motility and the one non-ICSI IVF confirmed an abysmal fertilization rate, then this long cycle shows that isn't it either. My egg quality sucked during the IVFs but I thought maybe I was over-suppressed. I just don't understand. Everything else about me is so healthy, and I eat well and exercise and I wouldn't say I am under undue stress. Aughh!

In other fertility news, I am still the de facto coordinator of the RESOLVE support group, and still wondering how to handle the problem we had last meeting with a new person. Today I talked to a woman at the national headquarters, about our "difficult" new person. She talked/complained about her children (three of them! for real) and bragged about her 100% insurance coverage (and adoption coverage too). I am nervous to talk to her before the next meeting, but it has to be done. We don't want anyone to feel uncomfortable, and she really dominated the group. Not okay. Hopefully she will not come back, or has found support some other way. Sigh.

Anyway, for now I will continue life as usual, just waiting for my period, hoping it won't come, but wishing it would soon if it's gonna. I'm terrified of the water sonogram but just want to get it over with too. Also, we leave for Ecuador in two and a half weeks (exciting!) and I'd like to have our January plan set up before then.

I can't believe it's been two years. I should have a baby in my arms now, but no. It's just me, my distracted husband, and my spoiled kitty cat. Same old, same old. Not feeling very cheerful today.