Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Second FET Cancelled

As I wrote last time, my first FET resulted in a negative beta. My lining was thin, but they let me go forward. My doctor was convinced that it was just bad luck. Even in the best case scenario, FETs only have a 50/50 success rate.

But, the bad news wasn't over with that cycle. We tried a non-Lupron protocol this time, just estradiol pills, and unfortunately my lining was even thinner. Like, a 4. Nothing. We canceled this cycle.

So, it looks like I might be at the end of the road here. My doctor is trying one last thing, which is three weeks of doxycycline and then re-checking my lining to see if it made any difference. Sometimes inflammation can cause lining to not respond to estradiol. I don't know why I'd have inflammation though. 

But despite this treatment, he said it's likely that I might not be a candidate for further transfers. He didn't have any really great explanation why. Perhaps my uterus sustained some infection and/or scarring during my c-section to have Leo. He said this is not common knowledge, but actually scarring and adhesions can result in infertility in more than 2% of c-sections. But, he's not sure, and I'm not interested in exploratory surgery at this time.Frankly, I am terrified of more procedures. And tired. Oh so tired. 

Amazingly, I have had someone offer to be my surrogate. But I don't think we are interested. Honestly, having an only child is looking better and better, the more we think about it. Though I have moments of intense sadness when I look at my toddler and wonder what the other four embryos would have been like.

At this point, I'm just taking my doxycycline and waiting for my next lining check in about three weeks and if it's a no-go, we'll be seeking homes for our embryos. 

I am feeling... so confused. Why can't I grow a lining? I have never had great linings, but a 4?!!?  Also the argument that my uterus is scarred doesn't sit that well with me, since my last lining was enough to move forward with FET #1. So why now the sudden non-response to the estradiol? Why isn't my doctor interested in other forms of estrogen?

Dr. F, my former doctor and the one who I saw again when I had my monitoring done, seemed taken aback and called my uterus "special." My Atlanta doctor also said this is unusual. I have not gone down the google rabbit hole.

I am not distraught like I was before, with the first FET. I am constantly thinking about it, but not feeling the same sharp, biting grief. It's more like a dull thud this time. I can't quite explain the change. I just feel... tired. So tired of the constant struggle. And though I do not believe anything is "meant to be," I wonder if there isn't something positive about stopping now, and focusing my energy and love on the child I already have. My head says yes. I am not sure what my heart says. My heart leans towards fighting this lining issue. I don't know what will happen, but I will have some answers in about three weeks. 


2 comments:

  1. I'm sorry that your FET was cancelled, and that they don't seem to have answers to give you for why things are difficult. It is really weird that they aren't considering more estrogen or other protocols for the lining. It stinks to have a choice taken from you, even if you make peace with having an only child. We have worked with the Snowflakes program through Nightlight Christian Adoptions for our 8 homeless embryos, and it is quite the program. You do not have to follow their beliefs on personhood or religion in order to participate, and I was really happy with the results of the grilling I did before we signed on with our embryos. It's an option, when you're weighing them (if you are weighing them after the doxy cycle). Surrogacy wasn't something we seriously considered, either, although we had some questionable offers and then we we did briefly consider it had no one to ask or who was comfortable with it. Tricky, tricky. I wish you the best with this doxy protocol and with coming to peace with wherever this takes you.

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    1. Thanks, Jess. I have a few people in mind for my leftover embryos, but am interested in all options.

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