It's been three months since I last wrote. I was in a bad place last time, but I'm happy to report that life has moved on, and I've come to a place of peace with the end of our infertility journey.
Taking anti-depressants turned out not to work for me. I don't understand why everyone else seems ok on them, but two different types both made me violently ill. I wish it had worked for me, but it didn't.
What did work: time, space, and therapy. Being patient with myself. Ending couples therapy so I could go to individual therapy and focus on healing my own self through healthy behaviors: exercising more, thinking about how to make the life we have as happy as we can, and actually, slowly getting rid of maternity and baby items as I've felt ready.
I've also been focusing on slowing down to really, really enjoy the time I have with our son. As he gets older (he's turning three soon!), he gets more and more fun, and I have a harder time envisioning going back to the baby days. I realized I don't even want a baby, I have no desire to ever be pregnant again, and I am mourning a big unknown: a life with two children. There is no way to know if that life would have made me happier or more fulfilled than I am now, but I have to let it go. I still feel sad when I think of those embryos and the lack of another child to call as I get older and to visit and to love, but actually I am quite happy in my NOW life with my child and my family. I was mainly mourning the unknown of the future, not the known quality of my life now.
I'm posting a photo below that highlights one of the wonderful things about having a one and only: the time, freedom, financial means, and attention that I can lavish on my family as it is. We recently got home from a glorious trip to Costa Rica! We swam in the ocean, hiked in the woods, lounged in the hot tub on our balcony, drove through the beautiful mountains, and watched our son delight in playing with local children on several playgrounds. We would not be able to do this with a larger family. I savored almost every moment with my toddler and had such a good time with him. We have another family vacation planned for June and I am looking forward to that too.
So, my story didn't end up the way I had initially wanted. I still feel pangs of sadness and jealousy when I see pregnant women, but honestly, the pain is getting less and less. I would call it acute and heart-breaking back in July... still bad in October.. and a mild ache by now. I did give away some of his baby clothes to a woman from my old infertility support group, and another woman came to take away all of my maternity clothes. We have not yet made a decision on our embryos, but I am feeling more and more at peace with finally, permanently, and willingly letting go.