Clomid, Take 4

So, I failed my third cycle of Clomid. As in, I'm not pregnant.

I had a nasty stomach bug and got confused, along with a very, very light period and continued high temps. But I took a pregnancy test (at home and at the doctor's) and I'm not pregnant, not even a little.

So, on to Round 4 of Clomid. My doctor said we'll give it 5 rounds total and then move on.

Sigh.

Here's hoping- small, feeble, used-to-being-disappointed hope.

A little bit of (probably foolish) hope

12 dpo today and absolutely no spotting.... still high temp today.

I realize I will probably still get my period tomorrow, but a tiny part of me is allowing myself to be hopeful again. Though the slight achey back and the little bit of faint crampyness tell me otherwise.

I guess we'll see. But I have every ounce of me hoping...

It's coming...

Today is 11 dpo. I think I am about to get my period.

Before this morning, I was getting really hopeful. I ovulated on day 15, we perfectly timed sex, this was my third round of Clomid, and my temperatures had reached a third high level for day 8, 9, and 10. I got so excited yesterday that I went to the store and bought an early pregnancy test.

Well, I took it at 6 am today, because that's when I woke up to pee, and it was... negative. Also, my temp fell- not below the coverline, but two tenths of a degree from yesterday. Also, my lower back is hurting.

So, neither the slight dip in temperature nor the negative early pregnancy test are signs of anything for sure- and the backache could totally be from bowling last night- but I'm not feeling hopeful anymore. I feel like this will be all the other months and I'm headed towards my period.

Life feels really, really unfair right now. It's not enough to suffer from infertility for the past 9+ months, but I also flunked out of the first three rounds of Clomid.

If it's not going to work, I wish I could save all this waiting and heartache and just skip to injectables or IVF. I know I still have to keep giving Clomid a chance, but jeezus, I never thought I'd have at least a TWO YEAR wait till I have a baby in my arms. Two years if I'm lucky, is what it's looking like right now.

I'm still hopeful but I'm also already depressed again. I guess now I just wait. I should get my period tomorrow or Tuesday, if it's coming again this month.

4 dpo... the waiting game AGAIN

Well, what I feared did indeed happen. I got a positive on my ovulation predictor kit on Tuesday, day 14 of my cycle. Since I wouldn't be home for over 24 hours, poor Brian had to drive up to Richmond, where I was attending a conference. I left my roommate a "dear John" letter (Dear Karen, Sorry I had to go. Don't expect me back tonight. I will explain tomorrow!) and unfortunately had to explain the situation to my boss, and Brian and I got a hotel room nearby. Thanks, ovulation. You had to come on the one day that was least convenient, cost Brian a missed day of work, made my boss know about my "troubles," and caused us to ring up a $150 hotel and parking bill. Sigh.

BUT, on the plus side, I ovulated on day 15! First month on Clomid was day 22, second month day 18, and now, very much like a normal girl on day 15! Nice high temps ever since. I am hoping this third time is a charm and I end up learning I am pregnant in 8 days or so. If not, of course, I'll try Clomid for another 1-3 more months, but I hope and pray this is our lucky month. My due date would be July 4th, which sounds lovely. A summer baby, please please. Now, if only the next 8 days will speed by...

Cycle day 12: Peeing in a cup continues

Today is day 12 of my cycle. I got a positive ovulation on day 20 of my first Clomid cycle, and day 17 of my second Clomid cycle. What will it be this month? Day 14, or back around 17, or something else altogether? I am a little nervous because I will be gone twice this week for two business trips: Monday morning through Wednesday evening, and Friday morning through Saturday night. I am worried my ovulation will fall on one of those away times... but we'll do what we can do when I am home and just see what happens. B might be making a 6 hour round-trip booty call to Richmond if I get a positive test on Monday or Tuesday!

Crossing my fingers I'll get a positive o-test on, like, Wednesday afternoon or even Thursday, or maybe Saturday. Wish me luck! Maybe three times a charm and this will be my lucky cycle. Please, please, please....

Stories everywhere

Today I was getting my flu shot at work, and the nurse asked me the standard questions: do you have a latex allergy, have you ever had a reaction to the shot before, are you pregnant? I paused at the last one and said, "Well, I'm trying... does that count?"

She got a very sad look on her face and said, "I tried for two years. Good luck to you."

Then I felt like I would cry so I didn't say anything else at all. But when she was done giving me the shot, she touched my hand and told me Good Luck. I leaned forward and asked her if she did have kids. She said, "One daughter, two grandchildren. I love my daughter so much and she told me I should have had more kids." And then she gave me another meaningful look, like she wished she could have had more too, but it never happened.

When stuff like this happens it feels both helpful and sad to me. Helpful in that I sometimes feel alone in this struggle, when so many friends are popping out babies with seemingly no problems at all. But it also makes me sad because I fear waiting two years too, and also it makes me really realize that I actually have a disease. Infertility is a disease, whether or not our health insurance wants to recognize that (and they don't- because they don't want to pay to treat it), and I have it. I've never had anything physically wrong with me before and it's a sobering thought that stays with me whenever I meet someone else who has been in my same situation.

Anyway, this woman was in her 60s or 70s, and medicine has come a long way since then. It won't take me two years, right?

Month three of Clomid, please be kind to me. I ovulate next week and then the long wait begins anew.