My Heart Breaks For Her

Email from a RESOLVE friend just now: Just wanted all of you to know beta was negative.  G & I are absolutely devistated.  

I felt tears welling up, sitting here at my desk at work. I'm not even on hormones anymore and I still wanted to bawl.

If anyone deserves a baby, this couple does. They are so nice and would be such good parents and would love a baby so much. They are only 38 and have been trying for something like 4 years, and this was the second of the two package deal they bought, so perhaps it was their last try. 

It's just awful. It makes me continue to doubt any hand of God in our day to day lives. It shakes this faith I thought I had. Maybe God does exist, but there is no way that God is involved in such minutae, or this wouldn't be allowed to happen, such sorrow and wanting for something we have no control over, and something that supposedly is our nature given right. It's just not fair. 

I know murder and cancer aren't fair either, I know all that.

As B pointed out on the radio show last night, one thing that makes this so hard is that if you have cancer, you rally support from those around you. When you have infertility, you don't tell people, and you end up feeling alone and isolated. You also have the financial woes that are worse than anyone can even imagine. Again, this is not worse than cancer, it's just a different thing, and it's still not fair and not right.

The radio show last night also made me continue to question the path I've started down. Would adoption have been kinder, to my body and my soul and the planet? Would we have a child sooner? Would we have a wonderful family, built from love even though not genetics? Am I going to poison myself with IVF, if we continue the path this fall?

Anyway, this is a mix of ramblings and I should get back to work. 

I want to get pregnant naturally this spring/summer, and I hope that my RESOLVE friend finds peace in this difficult time. My heart hurts for her. 

True

“I’m not saying it’s going to be easy. I’m saying it’s going to be worth it.”
-Quote read on someone else's fertility blog. I can only hope it's someday true for me too.

Cycle Day 1

Had heavy spotting and cramping and back pain yesterday, and today I actually would consider as Cycle Day 1.

So, it begins. I'll wait and start charting on day 5, and start the whole pee-in-a-cup on day 11-ish, and hope for a very successful first post-endometriosis cycle. Wish me luck!

Card I Just Sent to the Surgery Center

Greetings,

I am writing to express my thanks and appreciation for the wonderful nurses at your Center. I was a patient at the Ambulatory Care on the morning of March 22^nd. I’d never had surgery before and was completely terrified. But from the moment I arrived and was greeted by the nurse who prepped me for surgery, I felt that I was receiving the most caring and competent treatment that I could have hoped for. The Center was clean, bright, cheerful, and having my own room and nurse before and after was a nice surprise.

Unfortunately I cannot remember the name of the nurses who helped me before and after my procedure, but I wanted to send my thanks to those two nurses in particular, and the ACC staff as a whole. My surgery went well, and the care I received there was superlative.

Thank you,

[my name].

Two Weeks Post-Surgery

Two weeks ago today, I had just woken up from the surgery.

I am very glad it's today, and I have most of that healing behind me and not in front of me.

I am still very tired, and have been working partial days most of this week, except today I am working till 4 pm. Then, B and I are driving up to DC to see my family for Passover. I plan to continue resting and sleeping a lot, because I really want to get back to being the normal, energetic me very soon.

In other news, we met with Dr. F yesterday and it was okay. He says the endo was affecting my fertility of course, but how much is anyone's guess. Interestingly, he said endo mainly affects people in anatomic ways, such as my left ovary being full of the endo and the tube being distorted as a result of the ovary. Now that those are fixed as much as they can be, they shouldn't be the issue. However, I am left wondering what else could be wrong. I mean, if it was the endo, shouldn't I have gotten pregnant when we first started trying, right after I quit the pill and before the endo had time to appear? And also, why has my luteal phase been so messed up, if it wasn't the hormonal changes from the endo? I didn't get clear answers to any of this.

What I did leave his office with was a plan. The doctor wants the next two months dedicated to healing, so we'll do nothing in terms of interventions. Once I get my period, I will start charting again (BBT) and using the ovulation kits that I already have, because I want to see how my cycle has or hasn't changed, if the time to ovulation is more normal, and if my luteal phase is appropriate. If it all is, great. We'll try naturally. If it's screwy still, I'll go back on Clomid sometime around June. Either way, naturally or with Clomid, I'll see the doctor again in August if I haven't achieved pregnancy by then, and we'll plan to go ahead with IVF in September.

So, for the next five months, I'm either doing it au natural (plus ovulation kits and BBT) or with Clomid, but sans monitoring and doctor's appointments. I feel relieved, hopeful, and ready for disappointment, all rolled in together.