Email from a RESOLVE friend just now: Just wanted all of you to know beta was negative. G & I are absolutely devistated.
I felt tears welling up, sitting here at my desk at work. I'm not even on hormones anymore and I still wanted to bawl.
If anyone deserves a baby, this couple does. They are so nice and would be such good parents and would love a baby so much. They are only 38 and have been trying for something like 4 years, and this was the second of the two package deal they bought, so perhaps it was their last try.
It's just awful. It makes me continue to doubt any hand of God in our day to day lives. It shakes this faith I thought I had. Maybe God does exist, but there is no way that God is involved in such minutae, or this wouldn't be allowed to happen, such sorrow and wanting for something we have no control over, and something that supposedly is our nature given right. It's just not fair.
I know murder and cancer aren't fair either, I know all that.
As B pointed out on the radio show last night, one thing that makes this so hard is that if you have cancer, you rally support from those around you. When you have infertility, you don't tell people, and you end up feeling alone and isolated. You also have the financial woes that are worse than anyone can even imagine. Again, this is not worse than cancer, it's just a different thing, and it's still not fair and not right.
The radio show last night also made me continue to question the path I've started down. Would adoption have been kinder, to my body and my soul and the planet? Would we have a child sooner? Would we have a wonderful family, built from love even though not genetics? Am I going to poison myself with IVF, if we continue the path this fall?
Anyway, this is a mix of ramblings and I should get back to work.
I want to get pregnant naturally this spring/summer, and I hope that my RESOLVE friend finds peace in this difficult time. My heart hurts for her.
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