Pregnancy Dreams

Over the past couple of weeks, I've been plagued by a series of scary, ominous pregnancy dreams. Sometimes they are dreams that I will never get pregnant, while last night I dreamed I was pregnant but couldn't go into labor fully. I don't sleep well when I have these dreams, and I don't know what they are trying to tell me. Probably nothing, just that it's always there, in my subconscious, the issues of pregnancy and infertility and my on-going treatment.

So far, I've had two shots of Lupron and I'm feeling fine. Last time, it took about a week to start feeling the effects.

We're leaving for Boston tomorrow morning, which will be a good distraction for the next three days. We come home Sunday night, and Monday at 7:30 am is my appointment. I've started to view it as the Day of Reckoning. Will I have another cyst? Will my cycle be cancelled? Will I need surgery or have to stay on the pill for another few months?

Or, to try to look on the positive side, will I go in and have a perfect ultrasound and bloodwork, and be told that I can go ahead and start the stimulants next Saturday night? Will I finally get to take that Menopur out of the package, and finally retrieve the Follistim from where it has rested in the tofu drawer of the fridge since this past February?

Wish me luck, and the next time I type here I hope to have encouraging news.

Birthday

Today is my 32nd birthday. So far it's okay: massage, my favorite Vietnamese sandwich for lunch (Banh Mi), now home relaxing from the heat and packing for my DC trip tomorrow, and dinner out at one of my favorite restaurants tonight (Persian vegetarian food). I can even have a glass of wine with dinner, since I don't start the Lupron till next Tuesday evening.

I was worried about this birthday, since in my mind I always thought I'd have a baby by 32 years old. A reasonable thought, considering we started trying to conceive when I was only 30 1/2. It's been 18 long, slow months. And still no baby. But I'm starting Lupron on Tuesday, June 26th, and I go in for baseline the following Monday, July 2nd. I start stims on Saturday, July 7th, if everything is okay at baseline.

I am terrified everything will not be okay at baseline. Last time, in March, I got to baseline, and then they found the cyst, and then I had to stop IVF and have surgery instead. It was then that I was diagnosed with stage 3 endometriosis, which had consumed my left ovary and twisted my anatomy. It's been 3 months since that surgery, and I am praying that the endo has not come back and I can start the stims and all will go according to plan. I pray that my first round of IVF is successful.

Anyway, my laundry is done so I should go put it away and pack for my trip tomorrow. This weekend I go to DC, and next weekend is Boston, so hopefully I will stay busy enough that these worries won't occupy my mind so much. Worrying is paying a debt in advance that may never come true, as B says, but it's still hard not to do it.

More Cheerful

I don't really understand this, but I got my period yesterday evening and suddenly I am not quite as down as I was. I think it's the waiting that really gets to me. But now I got it, and I know I'm not pregnant, and I know I am doing IVF, and I can just move on mentally.

Waiting Game

Another month, another time of getting my hopes up, and another disappointment headed my way. Today is 12 dpo and yesterday I developed a mild ache in my lower back, and today I woke up with mild cramps and the continued back pain. Thanks for nothing, endo surgery and Clomid 100 mg. Thanks for nothing.

So, just waiting to get my full-fledged period and then I can call the nurse and get my new Lupron ordered, to start IVF this next cycle. I will follow the same protocol: count to day 20, then come in for bloodwork to see if I've ovulated. I probably will have, so then I start Lupron and wait till my next period comes (about 10 days, probably). That next Saturday, I go for more bloodwork and an ultrasound, and if it's all clear, then I can start the IVF drugs. 8-12 days of those, and then the retrieval. 3-5 days later, the transfer. Then, wait 8-11 days and do a pregnancy test.

I've already been in a terrible mood since last Saturday, and I'm sure it's not going to get much better. Or maybe it will improve, since I'll feel like I'm doing something. I'm just so scared that something will go wrong: that I'll get to baseline again, having taken Lupron for 12 days and been made a crazy lady, and then I'll have a cyst again and have to stop and wait 3 months, or have surgery again. I'm so terrified of that, and it's making me feel hopeless. I had to drag myself upstairs to even do laundry. I'm unmotivated and tired, and going on a record for how long we haven't had sex because I have no interest and am probably depressed. I'm irritable and just.. tired of it all.

But, work is okay, I've already half finished a huge project that isn't even due till later this summer, and my schedule is okay in July if I need to take some time off during the IVF process. While being at work is a good distraction in some ways, I also don't want to cry or break down like I did last time I was taking the Lupron. As a blog entry I wrote on March 19th says, "I just want to go to sleep for the next 4 weeks and not do ANYTHING. I am a disaster that should not be inflicted on the general public."


Anyway, hopefully it will not be that bad this time around. At least I have two weekend trips coming up, to take my mind off of things. One to DC, to see my family and friends. That will be nice. The second one to my husband's cousin's wedding. I am so not in the mood to deal with his little nieces and nephews and my in-laws, and I give myself permission to be quiet, be as bitchy as I want to in my head, and not pressure myself to be Ms. Cheerful.

And hopefully, time will fly, and in a couple of months I will have some happy news to take away from this last year and a half of struggle.

We Are Everywhere

At the doctor's office on Friday (regular family doc) to get my stitches removed, the nurse noted which meds I am on, and noticed the Clomid. She asked about if I am pregnant, and I griped that no, I am not, and the Clomid sure isn't helping get my pregnant. She looked at me for awhile and then told me she'd tried for seven years. SEVEN years. She said she went to UNC also, and had IUIs, but never IVF. She wished me luck, and told me she thinks I will get pregnant (why??).

It was another reminder that although I feel surrounded by fertile people popping out babies at age 41 (my cousin, for one), there are plenty of sadder stories too. I'm not alone, though I feel like I am. The nurse who gave me my flu shot last fall and only ever had one baby after 2 1/2 years of trying, the nurse yesterday who had tried for seven years with no success. We are everywhere, and I hope that if I am a success story, I can figure out something to offer to other women and couples going through this horrible experience.