Waiting Game

Another month, another time of getting my hopes up, and another disappointment headed my way. Today is 12 dpo and yesterday I developed a mild ache in my lower back, and today I woke up with mild cramps and the continued back pain. Thanks for nothing, endo surgery and Clomid 100 mg. Thanks for nothing.

So, just waiting to get my full-fledged period and then I can call the nurse and get my new Lupron ordered, to start IVF this next cycle. I will follow the same protocol: count to day 20, then come in for bloodwork to see if I've ovulated. I probably will have, so then I start Lupron and wait till my next period comes (about 10 days, probably). That next Saturday, I go for more bloodwork and an ultrasound, and if it's all clear, then I can start the IVF drugs. 8-12 days of those, and then the retrieval. 3-5 days later, the transfer. Then, wait 8-11 days and do a pregnancy test.

I've already been in a terrible mood since last Saturday, and I'm sure it's not going to get much better. Or maybe it will improve, since I'll feel like I'm doing something. I'm just so scared that something will go wrong: that I'll get to baseline again, having taken Lupron for 12 days and been made a crazy lady, and then I'll have a cyst again and have to stop and wait 3 months, or have surgery again. I'm so terrified of that, and it's making me feel hopeless. I had to drag myself upstairs to even do laundry. I'm unmotivated and tired, and going on a record for how long we haven't had sex because I have no interest and am probably depressed. I'm irritable and just.. tired of it all.

But, work is okay, I've already half finished a huge project that isn't even due till later this summer, and my schedule is okay in July if I need to take some time off during the IVF process. While being at work is a good distraction in some ways, I also don't want to cry or break down like I did last time I was taking the Lupron. As a blog entry I wrote on March 19th says, "I just want to go to sleep for the next 4 weeks and not do ANYTHING. I am a disaster that should not be inflicted on the general public."


Anyway, hopefully it will not be that bad this time around. At least I have two weekend trips coming up, to take my mind off of things. One to DC, to see my family and friends. That will be nice. The second one to my husband's cousin's wedding. I am so not in the mood to deal with his little nieces and nephews and my in-laws, and I give myself permission to be quiet, be as bitchy as I want to in my head, and not pressure myself to be Ms. Cheerful.

And hopefully, time will fly, and in a couple of months I will have some happy news to take away from this last year and a half of struggle.