Night before the psych consult

I recently finished reading "Mommies, Daddies, Donors, Surrogates," by Diane Ehrensaft, PhD. I can't say I wholeheartedly recommend it. Parts of it are a bit.. weird, almost creepy. Like, there is a lot of discussion that your partner may fantasize about infidelity, or having sex with the donor, or about you wanting to do such. WTF? These issues would never have occurred to me, and I hope not to most people.

Tomorrow is our required psych consult, so it seemed a good time to think more about how we actually feel about the issues that we will have to face if we are successful in becoming parents through donor egg. When I try to talk to B about how he feels, it is a bit frustrating. He's just so damn happy-go-lucky. He says if people are ignorant, we educate them, and if they are just mean or insensitive on a repeated basis, then "fuck 'em." Seriously. That is seriously how he thinks. I can't tell if it's because he's just.. him (a guy? not much into discussing feelings? too busy with work and school?) or if it's something about him being the genetic father so he doesn't have the same vulnerability that I already feel.

Either way, it's hard for me to think about how to get through to him that this is a serious issue, and that I worry about how I will feel when someone says something, someday, about me not being the "real mom." I have worked SO hard to become a mother. I hardly can think of anyone I personally know who has done so much, struggled against such frustrating circumstances, and I can't know how I will react if anyone dares to say I am not a mother as much as anyone else who births a genetic child. Will I be angry and say something mean? Will I collapse and cry? Will this haunt me, or will it be a non-issue, as I become pregnant and carry the child and really seem a mother in everyone's eyes (including my own)?

I also worry about how the child will feel. I think much of my worry has to do with feeling guilty, or at least unresolved, already. Am I doing something wrong, by choosing this path? I am knowingly, intentionally separating a child from 50% of their genetic heritage. At least in an open adoption, a child can meet his birth mother if he or she so chooses (both parties). By doing anonymous egg donor conception, I am pretty much guaranteeing the severance of 1/2 the child's genetic background. I am doing this knowingly. I am placing my own desire to be a mother above this uncertain future feeling of my child. I do not feel entirely comfortable with it.. and at the same time, what kind of options do I have?

I would be doing the same break, the same separation if we pursued international adoption, as most of those are not open either. I do not currently wish to pursue domestic adoption, for the scrutiny of being picked over, the desperation of hoping a birth mom will choose us, the indignity of trying to sell myself and our life for someone who is no more qualified to be a mom than myself, but somehow got knocked up and chooses to keep a child she won't raise herself. I just can't put myself through that, and the risk of having my heart broken if the birth mom changes her mind, which many of them do. No. This is not what I want right now. 

So, back to donor egg. I hope that through carrying the child, though being the biological mom who shares blood and hormones and placenta with the child, that I can feel close to a child, and that others will see my pregnancy as normal, as natural, and this bond as no different than any other. I hope my child feels the same, and that we truly, really like each other. I guess every mom wants this, right?

Tomorrow, we talk to the counselor about how we will approach disclosure, how we will make peace with what we intend to create. I have already told my parents and just a couple of friends. I fear criticism- I know it's not as strong of me as I should be. I had no shame about IVF, but I feel more wary about telling people about donor egg, about the desperation it implies. I should think of it as determination and I hope tomorrow's discussion will lead me towards that. But for now, I choose to be private, and I ask that if you know me, please do not share my news with others I know. If and when I am pregnant and we are on the path to being parents, then we'll want to handle this our own way.

I'm tired, already, and both more sure and less sure than I have been in awhile. But I am also so close- all the tests are gathered, the labs are emailed, the fee is paid for the phone consult with the doctor from the clinic on Wednesday. Tomorrow is the psych consult, and once this is all done... I will have access to the bank of donors. I am really doing this, and despite my doubts, I know it's the best decision for us.

Good night, and I will update in the next few days on our two upcoming appointments.