Ten words that describe infertility

A friend of mine who is now pregnant, but used to be in my RESOLVE support group, sent me this blog posting.

It's written from a man's perspective, but I can relate to every single one of these ten words that describe infertility. I found the "ambivalence" (#10) particularly interesting. He writes, "Every time you have to go through another kind of treatment, you ask yourself: 
         “Is it worth it? Do I really want it that bad?” And then in the very next breath, you are taken out by the sheer magnitude of how much you want a baby."

I, too, have often struggled with feelings of ambivalence. I never really thought about having kids.. until I did. Sometime after getting married in 2009, my friends started to get pregnant and have babies, and I held their children, and saw how enriched their lives were with love. 

I see the other side too, however- the screaming, whiny kids, the sleep deprivation, the financial stress. I enjoy sleeping in till 9:30 on weekends and making fancy dinners on a regular basis, going out to eat and spending all Saturday at a wine show with friends in the sun. We've taken amazing trips to foreign and exotic countries (in the last five years: Mexico, Thailand, Korea, Peru, Mexico again, Ecuador) and been able to spend money on frivolous things and more important things like making our home beautiful. I often think, okay it's one thing to have sex and easily conceive.. but is the medical invasion, the stress, and the very significant financial hit we are taking worth it?? When I am not one of those women who always knew and yearned for babies? 

But then.. then, when I am least expecting it, yet also quite regularly, I also feel "taken out by the sheer magnitude of how much [I] want a baby." And then I am pushed forward, forward, forward in this two year quest to have and to hold that baby, to watch the toddler grow up, and to hopefully have a relationship like the one I have with my own parents. I hear what my mom often says, that I was the best decision she's ever made and the best thing to ever happen to her. I know what it is to be a wanted child, and I feel that what I am doing, what I am putting us through, is hopefully going to be worth it all in the end.