Roadblock

I had a terrible morning. The immediate crisis is over, but I feel pretty bad. I'm tired and drained and have a headache. I'm trying to make it here at work for another half hour or so, and then I'm leaving early. I have gotten pretty much no work done today. Zip. I don't even feel that bad. I feel too bad about everything else.

Ok, this is what happened. If you read my last entry, you'll see I was feeling pretty good about my consult with the doctor on Wednesday, and he'd said I could start Lupron as early as 20 days from then, as long as I got access to the egg bank soon and selected a donor. I was feeling pretty excited about having all this done by my birthday in late June. An end seemed in sight. I just want this OVER. I want to be pregnant, I want the sadness to end, I want the constant "wanting" to have a panacea. I know that being pregnant will bring its own worries, but I just want to be there and not here anymore.

So all was seeming good, but then yesterday afternoon the egg bank nurse informed me that I was missing several different lab results. I am not sure what happened, because I had sent them all in last week. Luckily, I have saved everything on my computer, so I was quickly able to email them all to her. Also, there were about 25 pages of consent forms that all had to signed and notarized. I made B quit working and run over ot the bank with me, and we got this all taken care of. Fine. Except not fine, because then the nurse caught that the most recent semen analysis was missing morphology. This is what happened: we had B go in and update his sperm analysis at our second clinic. We'd had him do it July 2011 at our first clinic, but since that was over a year ago, they wouldn't accept it. So he re-did it about two weeks ago. However, our clinic didn't do morphology. There was a big white space instead of the numbers. WTF?? When he called, they were casual- oh yeah, we don't do that unless you ask. WHAT!?!?!? What is the point of a semen analysis without morphology???? We were so upset. We just hoped that his 1 year 10 month old morphology would be okay, combined with the 2 week old total motile sperm count.

But, since nothing ever works out for me, nope. I was informed yesterday that it was not okay. I begged over email for the nurse to ask the doctors, and I was nervous all night long. I was in a sour, bad, nervous way last night.

This morning, I kept obsessively checking my email. Nothing. Finally, I get a link that I have a message waiting in the secure online portal. For an HOUR, I tried logging in. The server was down. I was freaking out.

At last, I get in (after calling) and the nurse says she tried her best, but no, we have to repeat his test so we can get morphology. I just lost it then. We waited weeks to get the last appointment, and it took weeks to get the results (mainly because they were going to email the results and they never did- we had to call when I started worrying). We're already under a pretty tight time frame if we're going to have me start Lupron on day 21 (today is day 3 already). So I just had it with the stress and disappointment, and totally cried and cried in the conference room at work.

I called B but of course he didn't answer, since he was at a conference as usual. I then called my friend K, and she was the nicest ever. She has her own troubles with her (IVF) pregnancy, but she can always make me feel calmer. I don't know what I would have done if she hadn't talked to me. She counseled that I call around and find another clinic that doesn't have a two week wait to even get in. She also reassured me that this could still work, and if it doesn't, it's not the end of the world.

I called my original clinic, and they can get B in on Monday morning. They can get the results back in a week or less. So, it might still work out for us. Maybe. It will be tight, and may take a bunch of more anxious phone calls and check-ins, but IF it really comes back in a week, and IF the egg bank gives us prompt access, and IF we find a good donor in just a few days, then we can start this cycle. Otherwise, we wait another 42 days.

But I can't think of the waiting right now. I have to choose to think positive, that the perfect green eyed, smart, kind donor is already in the bank, or is going to be added the day we get access, and it will all work out.

I don't know why I get so crazy. As soon as something looks like a roadblock, I just lose my shit. I freak out, my pulse begins to race, and I go into crisis mode. You would think after battling infertility for 28 months, I would be more calm by now. Instead, I am more crazy, more neurotic, more convinced that every delay means the world will slow down for me. Instead of learning to accept and learning to be patient, I have learned to be a detail-oriented (you should see my meticulous file folders), non-trusting (of doctors, nurses, my body), possessive (only *I* know what is best- and only *I* can make appointments, gather info, etc.), and otherwise obsessed, driven crazy person.

Okay, even I don't like how I sound anymore. It's 3:46 on a Friday. I think it's time to go home, cook a nice meal, and drink an entire bottle of wine with friends tonight. I deserve it after today.

Ciao,
Crazy Pants