Friday, July 5, 2013

Not sure what to say

It's been one week since my positive pregnancy test and beta. My second beta was Monday and my numbers had more than doubled, and I definitely have been feeling it. I was nauseous for a few days, and crampy, and very tired. The symptoms have mostly abated, though I do still feel more worn out than normal.

But in general, life has changed less than I expected. I am overjoyed, truly, but it all feels so abstract right now. I was on a sort of happiness high for the first couple of days, and then... life went back to normal. I went to work, I made dinner, I prayed that this pregnancy, my first ever, will stick around. I have been very selective in a small number of people with whom I have shared the good news- mainly, friends and family who knew we were going through this. It's been so wonderful to hear others' enthusiasm (though the sarcastic part of me says inside, they're just so sick of hearing my bad news, and now they can stop feeling guilty- and honestly, I'd feel the same way if I were everyone else).

I don't know what to do with this blog, and that's why I've been absent for a week. I know some people transition to a pregnancy blog, but I don't think I feel right doing that. I mean, mainly, I hope I will have nothing exciting or out of the ordinary to say. Also, I'm Jewish, and there is a tradition of not counting your eggs (or luck) till it's hatched. Traditionally, baby showers are avoided, and some people don't even decorate the baby's room. I think in the modern world, babies usually do come into the world, at least once you're past the first trimester danger zone, and families do need to prepare, and I think celebrating is a natural, nice thing. But I also understand the need to be cautious, and especially considering my past bad luck, as well as my sensitivity to those still in the infertility world, I want to be somewhat private about sharing  my news with the world. After all, this is about me and my husband, and our desire to have a child. What more can anyone want to know?

Sigh. Perhaps it will become more clear to me in the coming weeks. Right now, my doctor still codes my betas as "high risk pregnancy with a history of infertility" (yes, I google stalk ICD-9 diagnosis codes on my order sheets). I am not out of the woods, though I do hope and pray every night that this embryo is making a happy home inside of me.

What would you do, reader? Abandon the blog? Make a link to a new one where I can talk about pregnancy (yawn) and not bother people who just want to read the infertility sections? I don't know what is helpful, and I feel like there are a million other pregnancy blogs out there, so I won't have anything new to add. With pregnancy, the world is happy for you (mostly). With infertility, I felt alone and needed a place to get it all out.

My universe has shifted and stayed the same, and I guess I will see what the future brings.  Maybe the answer will make itself clear as time goes on.

10 comments:

  1. Well, I guess for obviously selfish reasons, I would like you to continue the blog---but if you are not feeling the drive to do it, then of course you should follow what your gut is telling you.

    I actually quite love seeing a blog transform into a story of pregnancy, birth, and motherhood---it gives me hope. Or a blog transform into an acceptance of not having children. But I'm a story-writer and like to keep hearing the story.

    If you do decide to stop blogging, perhaps we can keep in touch via email? It has been a real comfort to me going through this with you, researching RBA, hearing your experiences with them, and so on. I am nervous because if a certain test result comes in, we could gain access to the donor database as early as next week. (Strike nervous---terrified. Also excited. Second-guessing a little tiny bit and wondering if we should try again naturally---and then I tell myself to stop considering that this instant and get on with our plans.) Anyway. Whatever you decide I'd love to keep in touch. I am hoping for the best for you and all smoothness from here on!

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    1. Thanks for the response. As I wrote on the comment below, I would like to continue the blog, but I'm just not sure what direction I want to take it in, or if I will have anything interesting to say. I get sooo bored when people ramble about pregnancy symptoms or decorating (though I find those both interesting, they're not so fascinating to read about when it's someone else- maybe how I feel about playing versus watching sports?). And I hope I won't have any health issues or calamities to write about!

      I am really excited for you that you guys are moving forward and getting closer to choosing a donor. Of course you have to do what's right for you, but I sorta wish I'd thrown in the towel sooner and gone to DE. I can't explain how joyful it was to see that positive pregnancy test and then to see my beta double, after years of disappointment with my OE. I know it's slightly different for you since you have had miscarriages versus failure to conceive, but I really feel a sense of relief by using these healthy 23 year old eggs. It's weird but it's just a sense of calm.

      Anyway, good luck, and of course, let's keep in touch! But I think I will stick around in the blog world :)

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  2. I have not commented often and I've enjoyed your blog as well. I am also an RBA PT and that how I found your blog through google. There are not many blogs on De cycles and I think you have provided much helpful information. I of course understand if you don't want to continue blogging and I think you should do what ever makes you the most comfortable.

    I just got my first faint double line -5dp5dt so we are excited and hopeful. We transferred 2
    Perfect blast with much protest from RBA.

    I wish you the best with your tough decision and I wish you the healthiest pregnancy possible.

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    1. Oooh, you were brave and tested early! I was too scared of a negative and waited till 9dp5dt. Congratulations on the early double line!
      I'd love to read your blog if you ever decide to share it. I have only found a few DE recipient blogs to follow. I think I will continue mine, but I'm just struggling over what direction to take it in. I want to be sensitive to those still struggling, and I'm not sure if I will have anything interesting to say anyway. But we will see.
      Best of luck and wishing you a nice healthy beta in a few days!

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  3. I'm still struggling and your blog has been a real comfort to me. I'd love for you to continue, and hear about the happy ending, but completely understand if you want to go private.

    Hearing about your experiences about RBA have been so so helpful. It was fantastic to hear about your decision to go with them, your research, and your trip to GA.

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    1. Thanks for commenting! I'm glad my blog has helped- there really aren't enough out there on donor eggs, are there? Writing, and reading others, has been so reassuring to me. Good luck to you with whatever you choose to do, and thanks.

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  4. I say keep it going--it doesn't have to morph into your run-of-the-mill pregnancy blog, it can still be an outlet for your infertility feelings through the lens of pregnancy. Not that I know from my own experience, but through other friends who have "crossed over to the other side," infertility doesn't disappear with the double line. It stays with you and impacts your pregnancy and parenting, for better or worse. It frames your way of thinking. I like success stories (although I'd really like to be one, already), and having an insight into pregnancy and parenting after DE IVF would be a great voice to have. I have enjoyed following your blog, especially since you are so honest and raw. We need more of that! :) Congratulations on continuing with the good news train. I can't wait to hear of your awesome ultrasound.

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    1. Thank you, Jess. I think you are right. I do think continuing it will be helpful for me and hopefully for others. I won't stop reading your blog either- I am eager to hear good news from you in the coming months.

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    2. I hope to provide that good news... and then you can tell me all about the first trimester in past tense as I start my own pregnancy chapter! :)

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  5. I completely understand. We lost a twin pregnancy at 20 weeks back in December and I have been blogging ever since. We are now 10 weeks pregnant with twins again and I had struggled on what to do with my blog. I converted my blog from infertility to a high risk blog. I am on tons of meds and I guess I use my blog to update everyone on "what the doctor orders next." I do find that I am a little lost on what to write or find that I don't wright as often because I don't want it to be about planning or decorating. I want it to be informative about my diagnosis and treatment if that makes any sense. Good luck and I look forward on reading about your little bundle of joy.

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