It's really, really sinking in. Most of the time I'm just too exhausted to think of anything at all. I drag my sorry ass out of bed, get it to work and into a seat, and try to make it through the day or at least till 3 pm before I give up and go home to sleep. I wake before dinner, and if B isn't home, I subsist on frozen Amy's tofu breakfast burritos, and then eagerly await 10:30 or 11 pm when I can crawl back into bed. Pregnancy is way more exhausting than anyone had ever warned me.
But I don't mind it. It's just that it doesn't seem connected to anything larger. It seems like I've always been tired, and always will be. It's hard to relate it to the fact that somewhere inside me, a baby soul is growing. I'm not throwing up, I haven't gained any weight, and we've been extremely conservative in telling friends and family. So it's very easy to not feel pregnant at all, and to think of nothing more than napping and eating and regular stuff.
However, today's ultrasound felt real. Unlike last time, there was more to see. The blob has distinct parts, I could see a head and "rump," the yolk sack and umbilical cord were there, the heartbeat is like boom-boom-boom, and the nurse-practitioner was effusive in her excitement. So different from last time.
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| A slightly more distinct blob this time! |
I can't say I've relaxed totally, because I know we're not out of the high risk danger zone. I am not even quite 9 weeks. I have a bruise inside my uterus that may still cause some bleeding (it hasn't yet, but she said to take it easy) and that's a little scary, though not risky to the uterus' inhabitant.
After we left the clinic today, I was crying again in the car. They were toys of relief and of joy, but with some sadness mixed in. I am so grateful to have this future ahead of me, but as the pregnancy becomes more real, I'm also struggling with the donor egg part becoming more real too. This baby that I am growing is thriving because of the healthy eggs of someone else. A strong, healthy 23 year old woman gave me her genetic material so that I might have and carry a child. It's amazing and mind-blowing when you think about what this means. I will never see my eyes reflected in the same dark brown, I'll never catch my mom's smile in a little girl's face. I was not able to grow my own genetic child, but this healthy 23 year old shared her eggs so that I can. It's sorrowful and wonderful at the same time, and it's really happening. I am a science experiment that may indeed succeed, and it's modern medicine and my donor that is giving me this gift. I still want to cry when I think of what I've given up, and scream with happiness when I think of what I am still going to have instead. I cried there on the table today because it's still hard to believe that something worked for me at last, that I really can have a baby. I cried on the way home because I really can have a baby, though not in the way I'd hoped and dreamed when I started all this over two and a half years ago.
To all those still fighting for their babies-to-be, I am there with you. I may not have as much to say as I used to, but soon I will exit the brain fog of the first trimester and will have more concrete things to share. I do plan on starting a pregnancy after infertility group, because I do feel differently than my friends who have conceived naturally. I feel close to those who have walked the same hard path as I, and those who still have the fears and worries that continue to stay with me.
But for now, the most important thing on my mind is what I heard and saw today on that screen. Hello, embryo with a little heartbeat. I am so, so glad you are here with us.
I cannot tell you how profoundly happy I am for you. "I still want to cry when I think of what I've given up, and scream with happiness when I think of what I am still going to have instead."---I of course so get this. And not being able to believe that something could work for you at last. This is such an extraordinary experience---I too feel part of a science experiment. Even just taking Lupron shots to mess with my pituitary feels like a science experiment. I'm so glad you were able to have success your first try out of the gate----it must be such a strange, new, liberating, confusing feeling. I'd like to say hello to the little embryo, too---hello, and welcome! Thank you for posting. You give me so much hope.
ReplyDeletep.s. when you have a moment, I have a few questions for you (:
ReplyDeleteHow many days you were in Atlanta, from fertilization day to transfer?
And did you stay there a day after transfer to rest, or go back the day of transfer?
Did they grow all of your embryos to Day 5, or did they freeze some at Day 3?
Do you work full-time, and did you take unpaid medical leave? I am thinking of doing this so that I can save my vacation days/personal days for October, should I need to try this a 2nd time. Ugh-thought.
Did you have any side effects on the Lupron?
Did you do progesterone in the lead-up before transfer, and after transfer---how many days, what was the window? I'm doing progesterone in oil, and I just realized that I'm not going to be with DH for a chunk of time while I'm in Atlanta (all alone! --he won't' even be there for transfer) and giving myself the PIO shot does not sound doable.
Sorry to bombard you. I'm getting exited (read: nervous as hell).
Thanks for your support- it's a strange and exciting time right now. Full of hope but still a good dose of nerves.
DeleteIn answer to your questions:
I arrived in Atlanta the night before the thaw/my husband's sample collection. I met with my doctor briefly too, after his sample was uh, collected. Then nothing. Just hung out in Atlanta till the day 5 transfer. I took a Valium for transfer and slept most of the rest of that day (ask if they don't mention it- they don't always give them to out of town patients because some people do go home right away). Then I drove home the next day. So we arrived on a Thursday night, my husband flew home on Sunday afternoon, and I drove home on the next Thursday morning. Are you going to stay in a hotel or something? I was lucky to have a friend who put me up, and held my hand during transfer.
They grew all my embryos to day 5- didn't even mention freezing any earlier. They thawed 8 since it was an untested donor, and 7 had fertilized when they called me the next morning. On transfer day, I had all of them still around. They transferred 1, froze 4, and watched 2. One made it and was frozen on day 6, and one stopped growing. I do think I was extremely lucky and these results are not typical. My husband's sperm isn't even fabulous. I can only thank my donor and RBA's lab and pure dumb luck.
I do work full time, but I have very generous sick/vacation time since I've been good about saving it over the years for this baby I always thought was around the corner. I took vacation time and told my boss I was just going to hang out with a friend. I didn't want anyone to know because I've had so many failures before. Oh, and if you need to go a second time, it might not be for a week. If you have a frozen embryo, you can fly in that day and fly out that afternoon or just stay one night or something.
I have always had very minor side effects from Lupron. Some hot flashes and hunger. That's it. I continued to exercise till the day before I left for Atlanta. Lupron does not bother me. Hope you are the same!
I started progesterone the day of the thaw, that afternoon. You should get a protocol sheet from your nurse with all the details. I did Crinone and it was TOTALLY the right choice for me (I've done PIO too, for two IVF cycles). I cannot stand giving myself huge shots, and I hate being dependent on my husband every day. So the cost of Crinone was worth it. Any thoughts about switching? RBA firmly believes it is equally effective. My progesterone level was checked at my pregnancy test and it was fine.
I hope this helps! Feel free to ask ANYTHING else you want. I am so excited for you! This really does work!
Congrats--I missed this post somehow! I love the slightly-more-distinct blob! It is interesting to think of all the things that go into a DE IVF success, and it sure does feel science-experiment-y, but what a beautiful result. I also look to you as a beacon of hope. And I love how honest you are about your feelings as a prego after infertility, and I wish I lived near so I could join (soon, soon, soon) your pregnancy after infertility group. That is a need that is sorely lacking, from what I hear. I also think that there should be OB/GYN groups that specialize in infertility patients, but I have yet to see one. :) So glad this heartbeat was a different experience!
ReplyDeleteThanks for your message! I don't know much about OBs yet, but I did have a frustrating experience when trying to read pregnancy books- the one a friend recommended to me had all these little quotes from women about how they "got pregnant the first time!" and "we didn't expect it to happen so soon!" Ugh. Do you think there's a pregnancy guide that isn't chirpy and annoying about how EASY it is for some women? A guide to pregnancy for the infertile? I know, it's a good problem to have, but it still made me feel badly to read this and I had to put the book away.
DeleteAnyway, thanks for your support. It's been hard to know what to write anymore.
Wow, I can't thank you enough for this detailed, generous information. It makes me feel a little less blind! Unfortunately I don't have friends in Atlanta and will be staying in a hotel. I'm stumped about the PIO, how I'm going to get it into my body when DH isn't around. I'm attached to the PIO because of anecdotal stuff mostly, and the one time I did try a progesterone supplement in the past (totally unnecessary) half of it ended up in my underwear and I thought: Am I losing too much? Hopefully I'll get some advice from my nurse about it today. Maybe I'll take a cab to the clinic on the day of transfer so that I can take a Valium and take a cab to my hotel. I want to sleep most of the day, too---I just don't feel comfortable being active, even though Dr. S says you could jump on a pogo stick and it wouldn't affect the outcome. It does sound like you had good luck, but also, your donor was 23, that's so young, and I really do think that matters. I chose a 22 year old donor (who had just turned 22) and feel good about that. By the way---good thing you didn't do that scratch biopsy, holy hell, did it hurt! Thank you again and for the offer to answer more questions in the future.
ReplyDeleteOh nooo I was so scared of the scratch biopsy and it sucks to hear that it really did hurt. I don't think I could have handled it. I almost passed out at my HSG and again at the hydrosono thing. Seriously, my eyes were rolling back in my head. Well, good job for getting through it!
DeleteI can give you some tips on using the Crinone if you do decide to do it. Uhhh how do I say this? When I squeeze the applicator to dispense the gel inside myself, I make sure to hold it firmly squeezed till I pull the whole thing out. That prevents the gel from being sucked back in. I have had great success once I figured this out. I love Crinone. It's expensive as hell and I do change underwear several times a day, but it doesn't stain and I just am too wimpy to do the PIO myself. But you can do it! Other women in my group have learned. If you are determined, I believe in you.
Good call on the 22 year old donor. I almost picked a 31 year old and I'm just so grateful I went younger, though of course some of it is just luck and stuff. But I think you will do well!