Failed, Again

Well, I failed my fourth cycle of Clomid. Looks like I'm not going to be getting preggers as easily as we had hoped.

It was disappointing, but not as crushing as some other months. I guess I didn't have high hopes after failing the previous three cycles. I know it's wrong to have these thoughts, but I just don't think I'm getting pregnant without a fight... a lot of money... and IVF.

Speaking of IVF, we have a doctor's appointment with a new doctor. I have always been unhappy with my care from Dr. M and so I've scheduled a visit with Dr. F, who comes highly recommended- and whom I also know from helping with EndNote (for the very book on infertility- if only I'd known...) about three years ago. We'll see if he remembers me. Doesn't really matter either way.

I have a lot of questions for him: mainly, what do we do next? I'm guessing he'll have me finish this 5th cycle of Clomid, maybe do a 6th (since I'll inconveniently be in Mexico for the beginning of this cycle), and then want us to try injections.

I'm not totally opposed to injections... but I also don't want to wait too long and go through this too much longer. We have the money, and as much as we don't want to spend it, I also would rather just do it now than waste time and money on a much less effective treatment.

So, I am anxiously awaiting Friday morning at 9:45. Also, for the first time ever, my husband is actually accompanying me to the visit. I feel like I need the support, and I also want him to hear our options so we can talk about it later, and not always have me relaying all the info. He's not excited about it, but not opposed to it. So, we will see. I hope Dr. F says something like, "Oh let's not waste time on injections. Let's do IVF in January, and we'll get you in the trial so it's half price anyway." Wouldn't that be great?

Letter I Won't Send

Last night I had yet another meltdown. Of course there is never one reason, but an email from Brian's mom really set me off. It's not her fault, but she sent this cheesy email saying that she and John are going to do this thing at Thanksgiving where they take 5 pieces of corn and talk about what they are grateful for. I'm not mad at Judy at all, but it made me write this, which OF COURSE I will not send:

Hi (MIL's name),

Right now is a really hard time in my life. I know Brian probably doesn't talk about it, but I'm really upset over my fertility issues. We're coming up on a year of trying for a baby and we just have no guarantees of anything. I guess it's hard to be grateful for things right now. I know I have many other things to be grateful for, but it's hard to see through the fog of my own health issues and my own feelings of helplessness right now. Some of it is the hormones that I am taking that are causing my sadness, and some of it is just the situation.

I am seeing a new doctor the week after Thanksgiving and we're going to talk about next steps.

I am looking forward to seeing family and friends at Thanksgiving and I hope this will take my mind off my own troubles. You are right that it's important to be grateful too, it's just really hard for me right now.

I hope you have a lovely Thanksgiving too. Looking forward to seeing everyone at New Year's in Chicago.

Love,

(me).

In other news, I have really sore breasts. I know this could be PMS, but I usually don't get this. So of course I am hoping it's something more... but I'm not going to take any pregnancy tests or do anything like that until I am at least on the day of my period. Only a few more days :)

Calm again

I was really upset last time I posted, on Wednesday night. I think I cried for an hour on Tuesday and Wednesday nights. I went through a bad spell.

I talked to my mom, who talked to her friend Valerie who is a doctor, and Valerie reminded me that Clomid causes massive hormonal changes. It is somewhat reassuring to remember that my mood swings can be partially blamed on the Clomid. It's not all me being crazy. Well, it is, and I have good reason, but the uncontrollable crying is probably due to the Clomid as well.

Anyway, today is 9 dpo and my temp is high and steady. We will see. I know not to hope too much, and I intend to not freak out too much when day 13 is approaching, but we will see. At least I have the new doctor's appointment on December 2nd, just a week after Thanksgiving.

Here's to the next 4 or 5 days bringing me some good news....

Lows

I feel terrible. For two days now I have been very depressed. I hate my doctor, I hate all the new babies everyone is having (a new one pops up every few days on Facebook), I'm annoyed at Brian for not being more miserable with me, and I hate the unfairness of life. I hate everything. I hate my coworkers. I hate my job. I hate my furniture. I just stare into space and feel terrible. All my life now is waiting, waiting, waiting. And it never amounts to anything.

I am ditching my doctor and trying Dr. F, the chair of the department and an older doctor. I am seeing him in 2 1/2 weeks. Not so bad.

I want to talk about IVF. Unless there is a compelling reason to do injectables, I want to do IVF in January. I'm ready for this period of my life to be over. And I never want to go through this again. I think I will stop at one kid (if I ever have one). I hate what this is doing to me.

I'm at 6 dpo but I do not have my hopes up the way I did with the other three cycles. I would love to be surprised, but I know in my heart that I'm not going to get pregnant on Clomid.

Cycle 4: 1 DPO

Finally my temperature rose this morning. In previous months I have ovulated on days 22, 18, and 15, so I expected something before day 15. However, because nothing ever works like it should with me when it comes to fertility, I did not ovulate till day 16 this month. Whatever. Today it was nice and high. That was a huge relief because I was down, really down and depressed, yesterday, and this has cheered me up today. Also, it's Friday and I am going out for Vietnamese food for lunch with a co-worker :)

I am increasingly thinking of switching clinics, but I'm still not sure. I just feel like my doctor doesn't particularly care about my outcomes and therefore isn't invested in trying the best methods or getting the right data to help us make decisions. For instance, I have not EVER, not one single month, seen a good follicle right before ovulation. So this month she said not to even bother coming for monitoring. I feel like I have to research all the protocol myself, like end-of-cycle monitoring and so forth. And many sources say that staying on Clomid after month 4, or even month 3, isn't necessarily worth it. Yet I'm staying on it for 5 months.

I think it's because I'm under 35 so she feels there is no rush. However, I do feel a sense of urgency, especially as we approach the 1 year mark of trying this January. I guess that is still 2 months away... but still, it's really really hard. I want a baby, I want my life to move forward, I want to know the ending to this (part of) the story. I want a baby. Two babies would even be fine! As every single one of my high school and college friends posts new baby announcements on Facebook, it's getting harder and harder as the months go by for me.

Well, all I can do now is try to relax and get through the next 13 or so days. I am due to either get my period- or hopefully miss it- on Thanksgiving Day. Here's hoping, praying, and wishing for some positive news this time.