Not Pregnant

I couldn't wait any longer, and I tested yesterday before going to the clinic for my official test. Both tests were negative. 

We are both really crushed. I know I have up to two more tries (bought a package) but I really had hope that this first time would be the magic solution. Instead, nothing went right, and then we had a surprise twist and they managed to get two embryos into me... and neither one worked. I spent thousands on drugs and have been shooting myself up daily for six weeks now, all for nothing. I have been trying to get pregnant for well over a year and a half now and I'm just really sick of it and angry and don't understand the unfairness of it all. Most things in life, if you want it, if you try, you can make some kind of changes. I feel so helpless with this, because I have done SO MUCH and gone through countless surgeries, invasive exams, and changing my life to accommodate shots and tests, and I have nothing to show for it at all, except a general distrust of many people and a growing bitterness.

I didn't go to work yesterday and today I am working at home. I don't want to actually talk to anyone about this yet, so I'm just avoiding everyone. Eventually I'll feel better. It comes and goes. 

I know I should make an appointment with my therapist lady but I think I am not quite ready. I don't think there are easy answers for any of what I feel, and all I can do is be positive (hard right now) and try again, and also start thinking about an end date after which I need to stop trying, accept it, and move on with my life. In which case, I need to make some serious changes because it all feels rather empty right now, but I haven't had the emotional space to want to try to change it while dealing with all the fertility stuff. B and I started talking about all this yesterday, but it's not easy. Right now, I am just so tired, so angry, and so sad.