Planned

I just cry whenever I read this email from my mom:

You, my sweetness, were wanted, planned, and adored from your very first moment. I think this is a case of "quality over quantity." When people have asked me, why i did not have any other childern since i love and enjoy you so much, i say that i had one perfect winner. why would i want to screw the odds.'

It reminds me of the quote I keep going back to from the Chinese Medicine book that T sent me (and then I cry again):

"I can't know the pain you may have experienced in your quest for conception- the disappointment, the frustration, the hope and the hopelessness of each negative pregnancy test. Perhaps you, like me, have felt the heartbreak of conceiving and losing a child. Perhaps, like me, you have given the power over your own body to doctors in the hope that somehow they will make everything better. I don't know why we have been chosen to undertake such a painful journey, why we must go through such struggles to bring our children into the world. But I do know that when we look into our babies' faces, they will never have to wonder if they were really wanted. Ours are the children who, no matter how they came to us, will look at their parents and know, from the deepest place in their heart, how much we cherish them, and how we labored to give them life. And in that there is no greater security and no greater gift."

I haven't even started the drugs yet, but all I can do today is cry. I had a really frustrating morning at work and am very upset about my job (involves some travel funding, but bigger issues of pay equity too), but I do wonder if I'm so upset because I'm already stressed about my medical ordeal coming up. The work day is almost over and I think I might come in late tomorrow, but this emotional mess I've become is making me nervous about when I actually do begin the drugs. I almost wish I could take a few weeks off from work during my upcoming IVF, but at the same time, I'd probably have way too much spare time on my hands to worry then.

I need to keep exercising, be kind to myself, eat well, sleep a lot, and continue filling my life with good things. I'm seeing friends Saturday afternoon, next Friday going to the beach to see Larissa, and my mom is coming the next weekend. So I can look forward to that and try to push work out of mind.

Please, blood test, let me start Lupron on Monday. The sooner I start, the sooner it ends, and hopefully with a happy outcome.