Just when I was starting to relax...
Today, I started spotting again. Not as much as last time, but bright red, fresh blood again.
We just heard the heartbeat two days ago, and one friend reports she spotted twice a week till week 13 (I'm not quite at week 12). So, I am not freaking out.
But I am really disappointed in my body. As if infertility and failing 8 Clomid cycles and 3 IVFs wasn't enough, now I can't even have a smooth first trimester. My body has to taunt me with days of doing fine, and then bleeding again. It's so unfair. How am I supposed to trust my body or any of that other crap the birthing books all spout? Most women get pregnant, stay pregnant, and figure all will be well. I get my hopes up, then spend Saturday night in horrible fear, then relax again when it stops, and now today have to keep seeing red again.
I am not panicking, but I am just really frustrated.
In the good news category, it's been five days now that I have not needed a nap. Just one week ago, I would have found that impossible to believe. I was in such a fog for about eight weeks, where I felt brain dead after about 1 pm. It is nice to feel smarter and more alert lately.
Anyway, I should go distract myself with a book or something. I just had to vent for a minute.
Gahhhh, shoot. No, you should not have to see red. I'm sorry sweetie! I'm glad you're not freaking out and finding examples of the normalcy of this. Still, I know how hard it is to take these sorts of experiences in stride. If you hadn't been through so much at this point, it would be another story---you could let go a little easier. But you're primed to think the worst. The brightness of the blood must be particularly hard to deal with---it triggers something primal in us when we see blood like that, sets off alarm bells. But good for you, strong woman, for staying calm. xoxox
ReplyDeleteI probably wrote this too soon. I continued to spot, more heavily, and spent the night crying and depressed. But today the spotting seems to be taking a hiatus. And it was never heavy enough to warrant a call to the midwives.
ReplyDeleteFor so long, my life was counting the days left till ovulation or a pregnancy test. Now, I count the days till I finish 12 weeks, and after that I'm sure I'll start counting the days till viability. It's very exhausting. The stress is wearing me out.
May you have an easier and spot-free pregnancy!
such good news. goody goody goody. stay away spotting, you are not needed!
Deletenever too soon to write a post---that's what our blogs are there for, to hold all of our anxiety for us so we don't have to carry so much of it around. (:
i can only imagine how exhausting and stressful it is! i'm sure i will struggle with much of the same issues with worry if this works out.
but you've got super-young donor eggs and that's hugely important. it's different this time, it really is.
hang tight. i bet your confidence in the pregnancy will burgeon along with the size of your belly. xoxox
I understand why you are stressed, and I hope you feel a bit more relaxed today. A lot of people have spotting during pregnancy. Maybe something is wrong, but it's a small chance. Your body needs you to get a lot of sleep right now.
ReplyDeleteOnce I told a therapist that I was mad at my body for getting migraines, and my therapist told me my body was probably mad at me from all of the stress. Remember - your body got pregnant in your first transfer of DE! Your baby looks healthy on ultrasound, is the right size, and everything looks great. Think of all of the women who can't get to this stage without something gone horribly wrong with the gestation. The point is that your body is doing a great job growing the baby so far. You are so close to 12 weeks. I think up till about 8 or 9 weeks is a much more critical point in a pregnancy. Good luck and take care!
Thank you. This is actually really reassuring, to be reminded of some of the things my body HAS managed to do right.
ReplyDeleteI try not to sound ungrateful. I know how lucky I am for getting pregnant on my first DE cycle. I am sleeping okay, I just need to work on reducing my anxiety. I was doing so well till this spotting started.
I completely understand -- I think we've got IVF PTSD, and that's only sort-of a joke. It's so easy to be angry at our bodies, but when we think of what we've put our bodies through with all of these cycles, we are asking a lot, and our bodies have really come through for us to to simply keep operating under these extremely stressful conditions. You are almost out of the 1st trimester -- your body has done well and everything has looked good in the ultrasounds -- just hold on a little while longer.
ReplyDeleteI will be sending good thoughts that the spotting stops and that the anxiety decreases. xo
I was wondering is there any way I can get the blog posts emailed to me or as they are posted, just to get a notification that a new post has been made. I don't get to check blogs near enough.
ReplyDeleteSo, clicking on "join this site" doesn't send notifications? I thought that's what it did, but I am not sure. I don't know that much about blogspot but can try to figure it out.
ReplyDeleteWait, there's also a "Subscribe to: Posts (Atom)" at the bottom of the homepage. Does that work?
DeleteI hope the spotting resolves soon and your body is more cooperative! I can totally understand feeling frustrated with a body that struggled to get where you are now, can't it just do pregnancy in a typical manner? Grrrr. I get it. Glad you aren't quite so zombiefied in the afternoons, too! I hope the second trimester is kinder and gentler to you.
ReplyDelete