Round 2, Day 4, Down in the Dumps

I've had three nights of the stims so far. My belly is sore. Much more than last time, or maybe I just don't remember it. Worse, I'm not doing very well. I'm much more emotional and depressed and hopeless than last cycle. I guess last time I was super hopeful and nervous, and the adrenaline kept me going. This time, after one failure, I am slogging through it, not feeling motivated and buoyed by hope. Just depressed and bitter and angry and sad.

It doesn't help that B has been in California since Friday morning. I've been alone since then, and staying busy with friends, but it's not the same kind of support. I am thrilled that K is pregnant, and we're emailing still, and even went for a walk on Sunday, but her pregnancy has made me more despondent about my own failure last time, and worried that if I don't have success this time, I won't have the support that I've had from her going through this the same time as me.

I did my day 4 bloodwork this morning and I'm waiting somewhat anxiously for them to call back. Hopefully the higher dose of Follistim to start will have made a difference and I'll have some more eggs this time. But it's really the ICSI that we need to work. That was really our problem last time (or so we think).

I'm just so weepy all the time. I read a magazine, I watch a movie, and I'm bawling all over myself. I'm having trouble sleeping because I can't turn my brain off from running in the same negative circles. I'm getting more upset about other things that wouldn't bother me quite as much. I think it's a mixture of emotions I'd be having anyway on a second IVF, plus the hormone swings from all the drugs. I have to remember that I am on a higher dose this time, and two weeks of Lupron at this point as well.

So, waiting on bloodwork, support group tonight, then B gets home very late. I'm glad he'll be back to be with me for the second half of the stims, and I hope that this cycle is the one for us. I don't know how I will get out of bed from now on if it is not. I really don't.

See? I'm hopeless and melodramatic. I realize it, but I feel unmotivated to try to be any different. Blegh.