Update During the 2WW

I'm not sure why I stopped writing two weeks ago. This blog has been so helpful in expressing my hopes and fears and frustrations during my fertility troubles. This cycle was really hard, much harder than the first one, so that might be some of it. I've also been busier than usual, both at work and socially. Finally, having K to talk to has made venting on the blog not as necessary this time around. We have a little email chain going around for five of us in the RESOLVE group, and having people to give me this support has been so invaluable.

To update: when I last wrote, I'd gone to the Thursday appointment and had a low number of follicles, and a very low estrogen of 120. My first cycle, to compare, it was 362 on that day. They upped my dose and told me to come back Sunday. I went, and still only had a sad four follicles of large enough size. That explains why  my estrogen had been so low the whole time. In my first cycle, I had 8-10 playing ball, and this time I had 4-5. Part of it is that the first cycle I had 11 antral follicles to start with, and this time I had only 8. So I had fewer to start with, and they grew more slowly, I don't know why.

I was crying after Sunday's ultrasound, after I'd been told to come back again the next day and to see my actual doctor, who would make the final call on cancelling the cycle or going forward with triggering. In the middle of crying, I suddenly see B's eyes roll back in his head and he slumps, slowly, to the ground. I began to scream and cry, thinking that with my luck, he surely was dead. It was horrible! He hit a table that hit a wall, plus I was screeching, so the door to the exam room bursts open and two more doctors rush in. So we've got me, hyperventiling and pants-less on the table, a fellow and a resident in the room, a doctor and a fellow rushing in, and poor B passed out on the floor. Well, of course he was okay. He came to, and they wheeled him out on a stretcher, deciding that he'd just had a vasovagal response and he wasn't going to die! We were kept there for another 2 hours or so, monitoring his vitals, but he was feeling better and we eventually got to go home.

What an ordeal.

So, we go back on Monday, and Dr. F is ribbing him a bit, giving him a "special chair" to sit on during my ultrasound. By then we could all laugh about it. One more crazy adventure in this fertility mess. Anyway, Dr. F did what I had always thought he'd do: let us trigger that night, since I had 4 decently sized follucles. My estrogen was in the 400s on Sunday, and had risen to 679 on Monday. So, we triggered Monday night.

I didn't get sick at all on Wednesday morning, unlike the first time around. I don't know if it's because I had less estrogen in me, or if the first time it was a lot of nerves that caused it. In any case, I was okay, and retrieval last Wednesday (September 19th) went fine. Dr. F was very careful, he told B, and managed to get all 4 mature follicles.

I got the call on Thursday morning that of the 4, only 2 had fertilized. This was lower than we had hoped. So we trooped back in, depressed and sad, on Friday for transfer. No sense in waiting for a three day transfer when we only had two embryos anyway. However, we got words of hope when we arrived. Dr. F and the embryologist- mostly the embryologist- explained that last time I'd had 3 cell embryos, and this time I had a 4 cell and a 6 cell. Much better!

Also, there was something different during this transfer. Maybe because it was Dr. F and not unpersonable, cold Dr. M, who did it last time. But this time... instead of being as scared, and being wary of pain from the catheter (which I never had), B and I actually watched the monitor screen. Dr. F encouraged us too. He explained each thing that was happening, and we saw the catheter slowly deposit the embryos into my uterus. B and I both teared up. Something felt so special this time. It felt really like our possible babies on that screen we were watching. I cried, and cried even more afterwards, as the embryologist told us we had such strong embryos, especially the 6 cell one on a day 2 transfer. She and Dr. F both held my hands, and wished me the best luck they could. The last thing she said to me, as I tried not to all-out bawl, was: "This is your time." Even typing this now, I feel tears coming. I know they did the best they could, and it's just up to luck and chance now.