Options After IVF Failure

The last week has been tough.

I'm not even sure how to describe it. I've been really busy with a work-related conference and haven't had time to think over things too much, but when I do, it's not good. Yesterday was Saturday and I think I cried about five times. B and I are getting along fine, and he's been more supportive, but I think he just doesn't know exactly what to do. I'm not real good at telling him, because I don't know what to do myself.

One thing I have been thinking a lot about is next steps. What do you do after three failed IVFs? If I'd had even one great embryo, I might be willing to consider another round, with the third and final protocol available. However, it doesn't seem a wise use of money or time, considering the low yield, poor fertilization, and less than ideal quality of embryos.

So we are left with the following options:

1. Traditional adoption: sometimes I do feel drawn to adopt, and wonder if this is where I really was meant to end up. The physical process of pregnancy has never particularly appealed to me, and I am more interested in being a parent than in being pregnant. However, my concerns about the prenatal environment are strong. I worry about the long term effect of drinking and drug use on a child. Although I know plenty of adopted kids turn out okay, both B and I can list so many cases of adopted kids being messed up, and it often seems separate from their upbringing or other parental influences. Of course, what is nature and what is nurture, and how much is genetics versus the hormonal development in utero? There are no clear answers. But on a practical note, I get shaky inside when I think of doing a homestudy, compiling a website or portfolio about us, and paying $30K for this process. After the trauma of years of infertility and failed IVFs, I don't know how well I can stand up to all of this right now. Being examined and judged? It just turns me off completely, and I feel that my bitterness about the unfairness of life and fertility will be increased through this process. I am just not ready. If someone handed me a child, wonderful. But the rigors of adoption? Not appealing.

2. Using donor eggs: hmmmm. This is probably our first choice at the moment. Using donor eggs is usually an option for older women who cannot conceive using traditional IVF/ICSI. I seem to be an anomaly, being only 32 years old and not having premature ovarian failure. On paper, my AMH and FSH are fine (well, low for a 32 year old but not at all low for a fertility patient). This raises the perpetual question of whether it really is my eggs that are the problem, and not B's sperm that accounts for our poor embryo quality and fertilization rate. For this reason, I am not sure using donor eggs is for us. It is VERY expensive- but it would be amazing if we could get enough embryos for this cycle and for a second child in the future. We are meeting with my doctor tomorrow and I intend to try to see how good of an option he thinks this is for us. Even if he does encourage us to try it, we are only willing to do one of the refund programs. There is no way we are going to spend $22K-ish and have a failure. There are refund program where you can get 70% back if no pregnancy occurs. This seems a reasonable option, though of course I am terrified that we will get great eggs, and then have crappy fertilization. At least then we'd have some answers, I guess. This option does appeal to me in that we can use B's sperm and I would carry the child. We can control the prenatal environment, and we'd both have a biological tie to the child- his would be genetic, and mine wouldn't be genetic, but I would carry the child, and be able to breastfeed. It's so expensive- we would seriously be impacted financially, but we can do it if we are up for the risk.

3. Using donated embryos: a third option, and the cheapest but perhaps the lowest odds of success. Since I wrote about this at length in my March 5th entry, I won't go too into depth again. We are still interested in this option, but we're feeling overwhelmed at the details of actually arranging it. Using the self-match website brings up so many questions about logistics, and my clinic doesn't have any embryos available. The clinic in Cary that advertises "available embryos" actually has a one year wait. We do have an appointment in two weeks at a clinic in Raleigh that also says they have embryos available, but I'm half expecting that to be untrue as well. However, we will go, and see what they say. The low cost is appealing, but we also know the success rates aren't the 60% that donor egg carries. The women will generally be older, so there are lower odds, and they are leftover embryos so not as ideal as fresh ones from a donor who is in her early 20s. Anyway, it's still an option, and probably #2 on our list of most desired paths to take.

Overall, I am feeling very emotional, and I cry often, but I am doing what I can to take care of myself: spending plenty of time alone because I am not yet ready to talk to people about this, eating well, sleeping enough, and getting good exercise. Yesterday we walked in the woods again for over two hours, and today I plan to go to one of my favorite classes at the gym. Later, I'll make one of my favorite meals, tofu broccoli lasagna. All I can do is keep trying to be kinder to myself than I am used to, and being realistic about the fact that I need to keep moving forward.

IVF failure wasn't supposed to happen, not to me, not now. But I hope that one of these three options brings me to peace and brings me a baby. I know I am meant to be a parent and not to live child-free. I just have to keep figuring out how to get there.