Monday, March 11, 2013

This is what a broken heart feels like

On Saturday morning, bright and early, B and I woke up. Normally we'll sleep till 9 on weekends, or sometimes later. But not this morning. We were up and in the bathroom before 7 am.

The test was negative. As I suspected and expected it to be.

We went back to bed but it was hopeless to go back to sleep. All things considering, we had an okay day after that. We took a long walk in the woods, a nap on the couch together, and met friends in Raleigh for dinner. Another friend came over later that night and we shared a bottle of wine.

Sunday was not so good. Sometimes the first day isn't so bad, but then the shock wears off and it becomes more real.. the lack of hope. Sunday I did yardwork and then we went for another long walk. However, we had a horrible fight in the woods. I was asking to mourn the loss of our last opportunity to have a biological child, and he just wanted to try to get me to think more positively about our other options and life in general. He also said he would like more support for the stress he is under at school.

Bullshit. That is such bullshit. This blog is not a forum to complain about my marriage, but I am still very upset with him. I know infertility can cause many couples to become unhappy with each other, and can break apart some marriages even. I know all this, and we've been doing okay over the past two years. But for some reason, this time I really wanted to mourn, and I wanted him to do it with me. And he couldn't, or wouldn't.

This turned into a 7 hour fight. Well, most of that was not actually fighting, it was him hiding upstairs and doing homework, and me crying and being miserable everywhere else. We did make up before bed, kind of.  He did bring home veggies and chocolate to try to make up, but my anger and sadness were overwhelming.

Today didn't start off too much better. Actually, it was awful. I woke up so exhausted from not enough sleep, and went to the gym to try to feel better. Doing Zumba for an hour did help. But then I had to go to the clinic to do the obligatory blood test. I guess I was a little dehydrated, presumably from the Zumba but perhaps also from crying so much yesterday. Anyway, three nurses tried to get a vein, resulting in my being stuck five times. They even sent me away and had me drink water and come back, but nothing. No vein, no blood. At this point I was bawling. I mean, uncontrollable crying, right there in the blood lab. The main nurse finally consulted with the attending, who told me to just go on home. I guess the pee test I did at home is gonna have to suffice.

This experience was torture. My arm is full of pain from the five needles I had in my right vein, and I cried myself hoarse at the clinic, in the car, and when I got home. I called B and told him I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown and he better damn well stop bickering with me and listen to what I need. I need someone to tell me they know how much I've been through, and that it's been HARD. I do not know anyone else who has been through three IVFs, and I am proud of myself for doing it, and I could use more acknowledgement from him. And when I say I don't need someone trying to cheer me up, but just to listen and try to empathize, that's what I want. I think he gets it now, after calling him at work today and having another little talk.

Overall, I feel that my heart has been broken, stomped on, and broken again. I know some of this is the hormones that are still in my body, and some of it is the lack of sufficient sleep I've had for three nights now. But most of it is just the plain and simple fact:  I will never have a biological child. I am 32 years old and cannot conceive, despite three IVFs with ICSI, costing more than $20,000 and two years of our lives. We will never know if it's my egg quality or his sperm's inability to fertilize, but the combo of me and him will never result in good embryos. We are done with our IVF journey.

Of course, all is not lost. I still intend to pursue embryo adoption, and traditional adoption is that does not work out. One of these days, I will be a parent, and maybe then my heart will begin healing.

4 comments:

  1. Ohhhh, honey, honey, honey---I have been here! It is so painful! Exactly what you write, about needing him to mourn with you, needing to feel that he is in it with you, and he just simply is not. He tries. He comforts you. But he's unable to experience it with you. It can feel so, so isolating. DH has said to me: "I just don't want you to disregard, to look down on, the rest of our lives, to tell me what we have is not enough." And you feel like you are speaking two very different languages. Of course we recognize the richness of what we have. But isn't there a place for recognizing the deepness of the loss, of the pain--sometimes when I need validation, DH goes numb and neutral. He says and does all the right things, but I feel his numbness. Which makes me wail harder! And demand that my sadness be not only recognized, but felt. Now I am beginning to understand that that way of reacting is kind of crazy---what I feel is my business, and what he feels is his, and all we can do is be there for each other. We can't be the other person or feel what he/she is feeling. I'm training myself not to feel isolated by that. It's really f'ing hard.

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  3. Thank you for sharing your experiences. It helps me feel less alone.

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  4. I have this same problem. My husband and I were the perfect couple at first. We clicked right away and the chemistry was just crazy. But reality kicked in real soon and we started arguing a lot. Until now get into heavy arguments, where none of us is really listening and always out talk each other, until one day my husband left me it was like a dream, i beg and apologize for everything, he refuse for 1 year and 3 month, until i meet a man call doctor MACK online who is a great spell caster he cast a spell for me and told me that my husband will come back in 48 hours to beg me to come home, to my greatest surprise my husband come after 2 days of the spell and told me he is sorry, am so happy that i meet doctor MACK, if you need his help contact him on “DR_MACK@ YAHOO. COM”

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