Waiting is Hard

My friend sent me a video on self-compassion and it was really helpful to me right now. Especially right now, I can use a reminder that I often say things to myself that I wouldn't say to others... I should be kinder to myself, and work on being a good friend, or the friend I'd like to be to others.

 I'm okay sometimes, but I'm really depressed a lot of the time lately. A good deal of it may be the progesterone and estrogen that I am on (a patch and a suppository each morning- oh my god am I hungry all the time too!). But a lot of it is feeling like a huge failure. It's bad enough that I couldn't get pregnant after trying for over two years now, but now I keep telling myself that I am an IVF failure as well. Many of the women in the support group that I was close to all got pregnant from their first IVF- and meanwhile, my third one was pretty much a bust. Not having three IVFs work does seem to be unusual, and not what I had expected to happen. Of course I had the two embryos transferred on Sunday, but neither was good quality.

I don't test until the Saturday after this one, but I know I'm not pregnant. We've spent so much money and time and heartbreak on this. Sometimes when my grief consumes me, it's all I want anymore. I feel so burdened by the grief that I can't do much else to improve other areas of my life. I just feel trapped and sad and there is nothing I can do to change my basic biological inability to have what comes so easily to most people.  Of course we will adopt, but I feel so exhausted already, and adoption involves FBI background checks, a home study by a social worker, psychological evaluations, and upwards of $30,000 that we don't have just laying around. It could be years. It all feels so very unfair. I guess I need to take this to a professional, though even that seems a lot of work. But I will do it. For now, I just need to wait out the next 9 days and see.