Happiness and Hope

I have been meaning to update this blog for a few days now, but I've been so busy! Finally, today, I have some quiet time while my friend is at work.

On Thursday afternoon we drove down to Atlanta. It's about six hours away but we hit a terrible storm, and we stopped a lot for food, gas, and breaks. We also had some good chuckles at how stereotypical South Carolina was. All along the highway, there were signs mainly for girly shows, peaches, and fireworks. Also this, which B refers to as a sin against humanity (and if you've never had a boiled peanut before, there is no way to describe the hot, soggy, salty mess that I've been unfortunate enough to experience):

Friday morning we got up and B went to the clinic to give his "sample," and then came back for me. We returned to the clinic and met with my doctor. He is as nice and friendly and reassuring as he was on the phone. I can't say enough good things about him. The clinic was bright and welcoming, the nurse was super nice, and the doctor reassured me that a lining of 7 is just fine. He decided not to bother with a mock transfer since I've done IVF so many times before, and he'll be doing my transfer himself. It was a quick and pleasant appointment. Then B and I went to wonderful vegetarian cafe and enjoyed some delicious food, and then we went and were tourists downtown. We went to the World of Coke, which was cheesy and silly but sort of fun. I dislike Coke, but it was a good way to distract myself from anxiously awaiting the news.

On Saturday morning, the news came at 9:11 am. I had just woken up, and was lying there, stomach in knots. At my other clinics, I've always had to wait for what seemed like all day, and I've always gotten off the phone crushed and in tears. My first IVF we had 5 mature eggs and only 1 fertilized normally. My second IVF, we had 4 eggs and 2 fertilized. My third and final IVF, we had 6 eggs, 5 of which were mature, but only 2 fertilized. We've always had to do a day 2 or day 3 transfer, and the embryos were crappy quality.

This time: they thawed 8 donor eggs and SEVEN fertilized! Not only that, but they were looking so good, that the next day (Sunday), they called and left me a message that we are definitely on for a five day transfer!

This is amazing news. I can't even convey how excited I was to hear that 7 of the 8 fertilized. I was jumping up and down, crying with happiness, blabbering to the lady on the phone that I've never had more than 2 eggs fertilize. I was ecstatic and so is B. I just have never gotten good news when it comes to all my procedures and outcomes, and this was even better than I had hoped for. I was on cloud nine all day, and B couldn't stop hugging me and sneaking kisses on my cheek every few minutes. It was super cute and such an amazing feeling to finally have something to be happy about.

We spent Saturday with our friends, in a small town called Athens, Georgia. We ate at another fabulous vegetarian cafe, walked around the campus of UGa and just had a good time browsing through little bookstores, record shops, and vintage places.

On Sunday, yesterday, I missed my phone call, but the nurse left a message to say that things are looking good with the embryos and we are definitely on for a five day transfer! I had another great day yesterday with my friend- we dropped B off at the airport to fly home, and we went to the High Museum of Art and the MLK Memorial Site in Atlanta:

Later that evening, we cooked another delicious meal, vegetarian burritos and cilantro roasted potatoes and a nice green salad. My friend and I went to grad school together and cooking together has always been one of our favorite things to do:

And now, I am just sitting in her condo, finally taking some time and space to catch up on email, news in the world, and this blog of course. The magnitude of this news is still with me, as we have better chances of a successful outcome than I have ever had before. It is a relief and saddening what this donor egg process proves: it was my eggs all the time that were the problem. The horrible fertilization and division of the embryos has been totally opposite when using our healthy 23 year old's eggs. Mainly, it's a huge relief, because this means that unless I have some other problem, I have a very real chance of a healthy pregnancy and finally getting to have a child. A smaller part of me is still mourning that I couldn't do this on my own, at the young age of 32. I have always tested okay for AMH (a little low, but not horrible) and all my other hormones are fine. I did have moderate to severe endometriosis, but I had surgery and they thought that would make conception impossible. But, donor egg has proven to me that the eggs are what was stopping us from getting good embryos in my three IVF cycles.  It's hard to hear that it was me all along, but ultimately, it is good. In the end, I want a child, and I want to carry it and nurture it myself, and this miracle of donor egg is hopefully going to make that possible.

More news tomorrow when they call with a transfer time and an update on the embryos. Till then, I am just trying to enjoy my newfound happiness.