Second Try

Last night I took my first Lupron shot. We're starting again. It's been four weeks since my negative pregnancy test. It's been a nice break, but I'm also ready to start again.

If we don't have success this time, I don't know what I will do. I really don't.

Things that we're doing differently:
-higher dosage of Follistim, right to start
-ICSI!!!
-I'm taking the whole week off of work during the retrieval/transfer time. I might work at home a couple of those days, but I am not going into the office. I will stay home and rest and try to be peaceful.

Probably the ICSI will make the biggest difference.

A Bit Better Today

Yesterday morning I was really blue, but the sadness has started to lift a bit. A few reasons for this:

1. The nurse called yesterday afternoon, and was actually friendly and helpful. Not the regular IVF nurse, but someone else. In any case, she told me she is renewing all my prescriptions because Dr. F has given the go-ahead to start the Lupron again in a couple of weeks. We'll talk to him on Friday about scheduling, due to B's trip to Cali and the possible need to delay for one week, but the nurse didn't seem to feel like this will be a major problem or cause a big delay. She said we might be able to start Lupron one week later or stay on it an extra week, or we could talk about freezing B's sperm so he doesn't even have to be there. Another idea B and I discussed is him just flying back Monday night instead of Tuesday night. There are options, and none of them are waiting a whole more month, so I feel much better. It's the waiting that is so hard, but having the broad outlines of a plan and the feeling of getting back on the horse make it all feel more.. pro-active.

2. We went out to a really nice dinner last night, because we had a Groupon that was about to expire. Last week we were way too sad to use it, but we were feeling ready by yesterday. We had drinks and dinner, and managed to get through almost the whole meal without discussing IVF or fertility. Then we came home and for the first time in about a month, felt like going to bed together. We'd been too depressed and preoccupied to really relax until yesterday. It was very nice, and helped me to feel close to B again in a way that I'd almost forgotten about. It's nice to feel like the pre-IVF me sometimes again.

3. A woman from the Resolve group emailed me, as she's about to start her first IVF cycle and would like to get some reassurance, since I just did it. She is also here in my town (most of my group members live further away) and so we're going to get drinks tomorrow evening. It's always nice to feel like I'm not going through this alone, so I'm looking forward to this, and having a new friend that actually understands this in a way that my non-fertility challenged friends and family never can.

I should get back to work now, but I am looking forward to meeting with Dr. F on Friday and getting a real plan. Till then, I'm staying busy with work and friends. It's going to be okay... and maybe the second time is the charm.

Down In the Dumps

It's been almost a week since my negative pregnancy test(s). I am pretty depressed.

I haven't wanted to talk to hardly anyone about this. I emailed my friends who knew, and my parents, and told them I don't want to talk about it. I haven't made an appointment with my therapist. I just don't have anything positive to say, so who wants to hear it.

On the up side, we have an appointment with Dr. F on Friday morning. Maybe I will feel more upbeat when we have a new game plan. But I just don't see how we can do anything soon, with our New York trip over Labor Day and B's five day trip to California the next weekend. I guess we will have to wait, and I just feel so hopeless and depressed when we're waiting. If B insists on going to this bachelor party and we have to wait another month, I am going to lose it. Maybe that won't be an issue. Scheduling and timing is always so dependent on my clinic.

I'm exercising, eating okay, and getting sleep. Doing all the things I should be, but just feeling angry, bitter, and hopeless. Easily irritated too. B's parents were here this weekend and I wanted to strangle them sometimes. But I normally feel that way, so I guess that's no big change. My mom and aunt arrive on Friday night. What a time for visitors.

Anyway, nothing else to say. I'm just miserable and sad and feel very hopeless about my life. B is about to start school in October and I thought I'd have a baby by now to keep me company. Everyone is having babies and posting baby photos on FB and I am still here, where I was 19 months ago. Life is so unfair.

Not Pregnant

I couldn't wait any longer, and I tested yesterday before going to the clinic for my official test. Both tests were negative. 

We are both really crushed. I know I have up to two more tries (bought a package) but I really had hope that this first time would be the magic solution. Instead, nothing went right, and then we had a surprise twist and they managed to get two embryos into me... and neither one worked. I spent thousands on drugs and have been shooting myself up daily for six weeks now, all for nothing. I have been trying to get pregnant for well over a year and a half now and I'm just really sick of it and angry and don't understand the unfairness of it all. Most things in life, if you want it, if you try, you can make some kind of changes. I feel so helpless with this, because I have done SO MUCH and gone through countless surgeries, invasive exams, and changing my life to accommodate shots and tests, and I have nothing to show for it at all, except a general distrust of many people and a growing bitterness.

I didn't go to work yesterday and today I am working at home. I don't want to actually talk to anyone about this yet, so I'm just avoiding everyone. Eventually I'll feel better. It comes and goes. 

I know I should make an appointment with my therapist lady but I think I am not quite ready. I don't think there are easy answers for any of what I feel, and all I can do is be positive (hard right now) and try again, and also start thinking about an end date after which I need to stop trying, accept it, and move on with my life. In which case, I need to make some serious changes because it all feels rather empty right now, but I haven't had the emotional space to want to try to change it while dealing with all the fertility stuff. B and I started talking about all this yesterday, but it's not easy. Right now, I am just so tired, so angry, and so sad. 

Omg Less Than One More Day

It's Monday, 4:14 pm. In less than 24 hours, I will have my pregnancy test results.

I've been doing okay till today. Now I am nervous. Real nervous. My head feels a little buzzy. I bet that if I took my blood pressure it would be high. I feel on edge.

I am going in for the bloodwork at 9 am. I don't think I will test earlier. Although it would be good to kill the suspense, I almost want to prolong getting any bad news. Is that weird? At the same time, I am SUPER eager for it to be tomorrow afternoon already.

I still have all the same symptoms, nothing new. No spotting, no back pain, no cramps. Same old sore breasts, perpetual hunger, and mild fatigue. It's the progesterone, and that's all it is.

How do I get through the next 20-ish hours? 12 if you minus sleeping (if I can sleep)? And even harder, how do I get through tomorrow, from when I'm back in the office by 9:30 to when they call, which could be anytime from 11am to 1 pm or later. That is sure to be pure and utter torture. Maybe I should test at home tomorrow morning. I don't know.

Plan to stay busy tonight:
-make a nice dinner (roasted eggplant and chickpea dish)
-go for a long walk
-maybe watch something on Netflix
-try to relax!

Next time I post, I will be so sad or over the moon with happiness. I don't know if I have ever wanted anything so much in my entire life.

One Week Down, One Week To Go

I haven't been posting lately because I don't have much to say. My transfer was almost a week ago (last Thursday morning), and my test day is just under a week from now (next Tuesday morning). I am still doing Progesterone shots every night, which is a huge (literal) pain in the ass. 1 1/2 inch needles are just no fun. My tush is so sore that it's hard to lie down or get up from that position, and I can feel it in every step I take. Still, we are being good about taking hour long walks most evenings. I am avoiding my regular weights and cardio classes at the gym, so the walking is helpful in moving around and relieving stress.

Overall, my stress levels have been totally manageable. Because the progesterone creates pregnancy symptoms and I know it's just the medication, there is none of the hyper-analyzing and second-guessing that I normally have done during the two week waits. I know it's all from the shots, and so I don't freak out.

What I do: EAT. I am so hungry, and so often! Also, not to be gross, but they weren't kidding when they warned me about constipation. But, not so bad. The hunger and tiredness and sore boobs are more noticeable. Also, the morning sickness continues, though not every morning and not terrible.

B and I are just hoping and wishing so much for good news on Tuesday. Till then, I'll try not to dwell on things too much, and just hope for the best. Only six more nights and then... test day.

Transfer Day: Cautiously Optimistic

Yesterday was awful. The doctor was supposed to call in the morning, but I didn't hear from him till 1:55 pm. He sounded really sad, and told me that of the 6 eggs harvested, only 1 was fertilized. One! One! He said it is likely a sperm problem, and next time, we should do ICSI, but there is nothing they can do for us now. Instead of waiting for 3 or 5 days, since I only had one anyway, he asked us to come in this morning for the transfer.

Last night was pretty bad. We were both so sad. 

Anyway, I went in this morning and they told me they had some good news: after they called me yesterday, 1 more fertilized. It was super slow which isn't a good sign for implantation, but they transferred them both into me this morning. There was nothing to freeze at all.

So, not very great news, but at least we had something. I was a poor responder, and we have sperm problems that we didn't know about. Oh well.

That's my update. Kind of numb and sleepy right now, so I'm skipping work and vegging out on the couch. This progesterone makes me sore and tired and so hungry. But I am grateful and calm, and hope I can remain that way for the next 12 days.